South Park Unleashed: The Complete Series
by JVM-SP150
Summary: An archive of ten or so 'Kids as Kids' fanfics, all set in the same fanfic continuity. Join Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny Butters and more as they help Pip find peace in the after-life, get snowed in at Christmas, board a romantic cruise ship, analyze Cartman, and unravel a overly-complicated murder mystery. For them, it's all part of growing up in South Park! *UNDER CONSTRUCTION*
1. Introduction

_**Author's Note**_ **:** _Hi there! This is a long time coming. My name is John, and I've been writing fanfiction for a decade now._

 _The following is a_ _short_ _introduction I wrote recently to accompany the re-publication of ten or so fanfics from earlier in my fanfic-writing career. These fics were popular with some friends of mine who wanted them available again, and I sat on it for a long while. The next "chapter" will contain more details, including disclaimers and an index with summaries of each fic. The fics will be re-uploaded as I can reread and add commentary on them._

 _Please, leave a review if you read, and keep criticism constructive. Thank you!_

 **South Park Unleashed**

" **In The Valley of the Authors"**

 **(Re-Release Introduction)**

 _by John_

As the time rolled on during yet another boring lesson at South Park Elementary, the children of the fourth grade class sat at their desks, trying to carefully arrange their bodies in the way that either best prevented them from losing consciousness, or at least minimized the risk of being caught asleep during the lesson. For many, it didn't matter if they were taking notes absent-mindedly, doodled nonsense, or just held a hand to their cheek - anything that kept them awake and at least gave the false impression of attention was satisfactory.

"All right class, so as you can see, this is why sometimes when re-publishing their work, an author might add a crappy new introduction." Mr. Herbert Garrison said, turning away from the chalkboard and towards his students. A bald man in his mid-forties with large squared glasses, wearing a green collared shirt and dark green khakis with a belt, Garrison shrugged, "Now, are there any questions before we go to recess?" A hand went up, "Not you Clyde."

The bell rang loudly, and the kids jumped out of their seats suddenly energized by the sound, and they disappeared out the door without notice. "Finally!" Cartman exclaimed, jumping out of his seat, "Sah-crew you guys, I am going home!" he rushed out the door.

"Been a while since he's said that." Stan shrugged, looking at Kyle as they left their seat more calmly, "He must be really excited about the new Terrance and Phillip tonight."

Kyle took out his cell phone as they moved towards the classroom door, "I'm pretty sure we'll all excited, dude. I mean, can you imagine Phillip's Dad as Prime Minister of Canada? That'll be huge, and it'll give them a lot of oppurtunities for some meta humor at their own expense."

"Totally, dude, it's going to be fucking great." Kenny poked in, not appreciating the finer details of story and character development like his friends, "Think they'll have the hot Queef Sister in this one?"

"No w-way, they're really out of f-f-fo-f-f-focus this season." Jimmy told him as he shut the door behind them, leaving only one student in the room behind them.

As Garrison sat down and got comfy at his desk with a nice Harlequin romance novel, a grin spreading across his face as he re-immersed himself in Ariana's latest sexy affair when he saw a student approaching his desk. "Mr. Garrison, can I talk to you?" asked Butters Stotch innocently, pounding his little fists together. Butters was a nervous boy with a puff of blonde hair, usually wearing a bright blue jacket.

"Oh, well, uh, sure, Butters, I guess." Garrison put his Harlequin book down and pretended to be something of a professional, folding his hands together, clearing his throat, "What can I do for you?"

"Well, it's just that... I've been thinkin' about my writing career again..." Butters explained, taking a seat by the desk, "It's been a while now since my last book, and I was thinkin' maybe enough time's passed, and that I've matured enough as a writer, I could write something even better than that old thing I wrote before!"

"That's great, Butters." Garrison smiled, but it faded in an instant, "Now, what the hell does any of this have to do with me?"

"Aren't you an award-winnin' author, Mr. Garrison?" Butters asked, "I was thinkin' maybe talkin' to someone who knows so much about writing could give me some inspiration!"

Garrison froze a bit, "Me? Oh heavens no, Butters, that was a while ago." he dismissed with an awkward smile, trying to laugh it off, "That's all in the past now."

"B-but Teacher, you're an award-winning, best-selling author! That's somethin' you should be proud of! Aren't your parents proud?"

"Let's just say..." Garrison sighed, looking at the floor, "They're managing."

xXx

Mr. Garrison, Sr. stood on a crowded city bus in Arkansas, the balding sweater-clad man in his seventies letting out a long yawn, "Did I tell you guys my son wrote 'In the Valley of the Penises'?"

The entire bus collectively sighed, "Are we ever going to stop hearing about it?"

Mr. Garrison, Sr. had a smug grin, "I'm just saying, my son won last year's Gay Pulitzer Prize. He's really made something of himself."

"Here we go again..." a woman rolled her eyes and gripped her handbang.

xXx

"I don't understand, Mr. Garrison, you should be proud! Why don't you want to talk about writing?" Butters asked, "Is it because my last book sold so well in Japan? Maybe I can help you with a publishing deal-"

"N-no, Butters, it's not that." Mr. Garrison sighed and got out of his chair, approaching the window, "I... gave up on being on author. I let that dream go a long time ago." he looked out the window as his students played in the snow, seeming to weirdly dominate the landscape despite being one of a dozen classrooms in the Elementary School. Stan smiled and pushed Wendy on a swing as she giggled. Some things never change, he thought. "You have to understand, Butters. I didn't write for fame and glory."

"N-no, but you wanted to make a bunch of money, right?" Butters questioned.

Garrison noticed Cartman and Kyle arguing over a football, shouting in each other's faces. He shook his head, "Well, yeah, duh, but that's different." he shook his head, "Look, there's a lot of reasons I had to quit. People took my work and turned it into something that wasn't me. I didn't set out to write the next Great American Homo-erotic Novel, you know. Diana was supposed to be a lesbian for Christ's sake!"

"Well, sure, but I don't even remember writing my novel, and look what happened. My work means so much to so many different people for t-totally different reasons!" Butters explained, "That's important, too. Beauty being in the eye of the beholder and stuff."

Garrison shrugged it off, "Look Butters, that was a while ago now. I _used_ to be a weirdo who pretended to be all nice while venting his frustrations and latent homosexuality through puppets. That's all behind me." he shook his head.

"So?" Butters tilted his head.

Garrison turned to face him, "So? The point is that material isn't me. I know it seems like it's only been a short time, but I'm a different person now. I don't believe in the same things I believed when I wrote that stuff. I've learned new things, about the world and about me. At this point, it's just embarassing to look back on, and frankly, I could do ten times better now. Do you understand?"

"I-I think so..." Butters raised an eyebrow, rubbing his chin as he thought.

"Good, now go enjoy your recess." Garrison shrugged and sat back down at his desk, taking out a sticky note to write a short to-do list down, figuring all was said and done with.

"Teacher, I think people can understand that stuff is old, but that doesn't mean you should be ashamed of it." Butters told him, "Your book was a real inspiration to some people, you know. My dad read it and h-he said he really connected with it, like nothing else he'd ever read in his whole life."

Garrison raised an eyebrow, "You don't say, huh?" Something to remember about Mr. Stotch at the next conference... 'Stephen = Gay' he quickly jotted down. He was already pretty sure, but there was no doubting it now.

"Look, maybe it's not the best thing you've ever written, but you're gonna write a lot of other stuff, and if you're good at it, you'll always be getting better, so some day, everything you ever wrote is gonna seem real awful, even stuff you're proud of right now." Butters suggested, "That's part of the beauty of it. You grow with everything you write!"

"Maybe you're right." Garrison considered, pushing his glasses back up his nose, and sipping from his coffee mug, "Look, I appreciate the thought, Butters, but I'm happy teaching you kids every morning. This is where I belong. Not writin' steamy romance novels or inventin' stupid devices or tryin' to run for president. I'm already where I belong. The point is, I learned a lesson and I will never do anything as stupid as that again."

Butters got out of his chair, "Well, okay then, Teacher, I appreciate all the help. I think you gave me an idea for my next book anyway!" he smiled.

"And what would that be?" Garrison asked quizically as he took his notes.

"Well, I'm gonna call it... The Pee That Took a Poo!" Butters smiled at him eagerly.

Garrison sighed and sank down in his seat, rubbing his forehead in a dramatic facepalm, "...oh Jesus Christ."

 **The End**

After everything I write, I like to list out the continuity, trivia, and references... it's an old tradition I can't train myself completely away from.

 **Continuity/Trivia**

Mr. Garrison ignoring Clyde is, of course, a callback to _Bigger, Longer & Uncut_... and not a particularly clever one.

Phillip's Dad running for Prime Minister of Canada is a reference to Mr. Garrison's campaign for President of the United States in the 19th and 20th seasons.

Garrison wrote and published _In The Valley of the Penises_ during the season 4 episode " _Cherokee Hair Tampons_ ". Diana was one of his characters.

We last saw Mr. Garrison, Sr. in season 3's " _World Wide Recorder Concert_ ".

Butters' writing career, meanwhile, is all from season 14's " _The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs_ ".

Butters' Dad has been suggested to be attracted to men in multiple episodes, most notably " _Butters' Very Own Episode_ ".

Garrison showed a talent for inventing in season 5's " _The Entity_ " and ran a presidential campaign, as mentioned, in the 19th and 20th seasons.

 **Pop Culture References**

There were none in this chapter. :)


	2. Index, Credits and Disclaimers

**A/N:** _This is just a placeholder chapter to include the disclaimers, opening credits, theme, index, legal stuff, notes, etc._

 **South Park Unleashed**

 ***Index***

 _by JVM-SP150_

 **Disclaimer**

All characters and events in these fanfics - even those based on real people - are entirely fictional. All celebrities were impersonated... poorly. The following fanfics contains coarse language and due to their content should not be viewed by anyone.

South Park, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch, Dr. Randy Marsh, Mr. Herbert Garrison and all related characters are registered trademarks of Comedy Central and belong to them, as well as the brilliant minds of Matt Stone and Trey Parker. This fanfiction series was written purely out of love for the show, and no money is being made off of it, and therefore the use of copyrighted characters is fair use.

Additional characters belong to their respective owners, or otherwise specified.

 **Warnings and Credits**

The following fanfics were largely written between **April 2008** and **February 2012**. They are presented here in their nearly unedited original formats. As a result, these fanfics contain some content that could/can be considered, literally or hypothetically, misogynistic, racist, anti-Semitic, homophobic, hetero-normative, transphobic, abelist or otherwise offensive. These no longer reflect the views or beliefs of the author, and he would like to honestly and sincerely apologize for this content, and while this behavior is acceptable within the world of _South Park_ , he author will nonetheless avoid deriving humor from these topics in the future and never intended to write anything that could be upsetting or harmful to others.

It may be worth noting any commentary, act breaks, or reference lists compiled with each fanfic were written or re-written in 2016 in preparation for the re-releasing process. Spelling errors are sometimes corrected, and any edits more significant than that should be noted. I'm striving to keep them mostly in their original form, much to my embarrassment.

The principal author of all of these works, for better or for worse, is John ( _JVM-SP150_ ) but none of it could have ever been completed without the assistance and support of many others: Amanda (NoseBridgePinch / Joo Hor) Rachel (Mad_Cow5678) Mutt (Mutt_13) Shane (SouthParkUniverse) Wensleydale (Wensleydale Cheddar) Kitty (kittylovesvideogames) Amanda H. (Tweek's Panda) Carsen (DisneyChic01), Rae (Rachel C), and many, many others. Their invaluable assistance and friendship over the years has been greatly appreciated by the author.

 **Index**

The following fics make up the 'canon' of _South Park Unleashed_ and form it's continuity and sometimes serve for light story arcs. Those marked 'specials' are usually connected to outside events, such as actual SP episodes and holidays, and therefore not generally a part of continuity. A few additional snippets may appear here and there in these uploads.

The synopses are presented here for those who may just want to read one of interest and not the whole shebang.

" _My Name is Pip" (*Special!*)_

Pip's dead. Pip has met his fate at the hands of Mecha-Streisand trying to bravely save the town. After reflecting on his life, Pip makes a deal to return to Earth to fulfill his one dream. He turns to those who have hated him most to help him.

" _The Return of Towelie"_

Towelie's back. Towelie experiences a sudden relapse at school. The boys must conceal Towelie from school officials and the town. Towelie just wants to get a little high as he falls back into his drug habits.

" _I Love You Forever"_

Chaos is afoot. Stan and Wendy's date to the movies is threatened by a powerful villain. Professor Chaos is consumed by jealousy as he seeks to ruin Stan and Wendy's happiness. Kyle, meanwhile, is becoming sick of competing with Wendy.

" _The Man Behind the Mask" (*Halloween Special*)_

The boys go camping. The Marsh family takes the boys out for a camping trip at Camp Forest Green in New Jersey. Unable to accompany them to the state of his birth, Kyle is determined to save his friends when he discovers a shocking secret.

" _A Very Kenny Christmas"_

Stan and Cartman are snowed in. When a flash blizzard interrupts a quick present drop-off, Stan and Cartman are forced to celebrate Christmas with Kenny's family instead. Kyle, meanwhile, seeks revenge on Cartman for all of his misdeeds.

" _Rich Boy, Poor Boy"_

Kevin hits the jackpot. Ater winning a million dollars in a contest, Kevin Stoley and his sister shoot up in popularity. Cartman is eager to cash in on Kevin's newfound fame and fortune. Kevin's old friends don't want to see him manipulated.

" _Play It Again, Stan"_

The Marsh marriage is on the rocks. Stan convinces his family to join Kyle's and Wendy's on a Valentine's Day weekend cruise. Stan runs into romantic problems of his own as jealousy develops between Kyle and Wendy. Meanwhile, Stan and Wendy's parents meet.

" _The Last Episode"_

Loss hits the boys. When the final episode of Terrance and Phillip is announced, the boys seek new hobbies. Each of the boys turns to a new world to fill the incoming gap. Kyle creates a petition seeking to make sure the show stays on the air.

" _The Former Life of Stan" (*Special*)_

Stan's in an abnormal rut. Depressed and alone, Stan becomes embroiled in his father's latest mid-life crisis scheme to feel young again. Meanwhile, Kyle and Cartman's friendship thrives as they seek a new fourth friend to replace Stan as they engage in the latest online gaming craze. (Posted separately.)

" _Shark Zone"_

Stark's Pond isn't safe. Reports are surfacing all over town of strange activity and mysterious deaths in Stark's Pond. Craig and Those Guys decide to investigate when they discover a lead. Meanwhile, Kevin Stoley must defend his best friend's honor.

" _The Girl Who Loved Cartman"_

Someone's in love with Cartman. The boys discover a girl at South Park Elementary wants vengeance on Eric Cartman for the death of her father in an accident. Heidi Turner's pursuit of revenge leads her to discover the truth behind Cartman's origins.

" _A Marsh Family Thanksgiving" (*Thanksgiving Special*)_

It's Thanksgiving. Randy and Sharon are throwing a huge Thanksgiving celebration at the Marsh house, and they're inviting everybody. Stan doesn't appreciate the attention from Sharon's extended family. Jimbo's honorary nephew Kenny, is happier to partake. (Posted separately)

" _Meet the Samuels"_

Foster. Kenny's parents are arrested once again, and he and his siblings are placed in the foster care system. Their rich new family seems too good to be true. Cartman, meanwhile, is determined not to be the poor kid in school again.

" _You Won't Believe How It Ends"  
_

The boys have to solve a murder. A series of disappearances forces the boys to rejoin the South Park Detectives to help rescue missing friends and family. The boys put their individual skills to work to track down a mysterious Jigsaw Killer.

 **Theme**

(LES CLAYPOOL)

Oh, I'm goin' down to South Park

Gonna have myself a time.

(STAN MARSH + KYLE BROFLOVSKI)

Friendly faces everywhere!

Humble folks without temptation!

(LES CLAYPOOL)

Goin' down to South Park,

Gonna leave my woes behind.

(ERIC CARTMAN + BUTTERS STOTCH)

Ample parking day or night!

People spouting howdy neighbor!

(LES CLAYPOOL)

Headin' on up to South Park,

Gonna see if I can't unwind...

(KENNY McCORMICK)

I like girls with big fat titties,

I like girls with deep vaginas.

(LES CLAYPOOL)

So come on down to South Park,

And meet some friends of mine!

 **Cue the Show**


	3. My Name is Pip

_A/N:_ This was the story that re-launched SPU as we know it. I've since removed it's numbering and re-branded it a 'special' but... whatever, like it makes a difference to people. :P

 _Synopsis:_ Pip's dead. Pip has met his fate at the hands of Mecha-Streisand trying to bravely save the town. After reflecting on his life, Pip makes a deal to return to Earth to fulfill his one dream. He turns to those who have hated him most to help him.

 **South Park Unleashed**

" **My Name is Pip"**

 **(Season 1 *Special*)**

by John and Mutt

(Originally Posted May 12th, 2010)

My father's family name being Pirrup, and my Christian name being Phillip, my infant tongue could only pronounce both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So, I called myself Pip, and came to be called Pip. My parents died when I was but a young boy, and I have no memory of my mother and barely of my father. I was born in England but was sent to live with a foster family in the small American town of South Park for schooling. My preschool class was quite large, and most of the children I met there, I still knew till now. My foster parents weren't too terribly cruel. I was only beaten when I was a bad child, and they had a newborn girl who I consider my sister still. Anywho, moving on to my story... I've always enjoyed this little town of South Park. Why, what more could you ask for? Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation, ample parking day or night, people shouting "Howdy neighbor!".. and I could never quite understand Kenneth, unfortunately.

I met Eric, Stanley, Kyle and Kenneth... about two years ago at the beginning of the third grade. Even if they disliked having me around, they did enjoy my company I like to think. However, everyone called me fart boy and would fart in my face, or spit in my eye... it was all very sad. I was bullied quite a lot. The day I met those four, they sent me off from their lunch line, and then I cracked my noggin on a slide as they insisted I go. Nurse Gollum was not of much help, unfortunately - she bandaged me and then ignored me, unfortunately. I was also lit on fire by one of Eric's farts.

The year did not progress well. A mere week later my good friend Leopold broke my head again with a stick while we re-enacted a play for classes. And then two weeks later, I found myself unable to recieve a helmet for football. It was terrible, I was injured profusely in the games that evening. And then a few weeks later, I became a zombie. And then a few weeks later, things changed quite an awful lot!

Damien was the newest student at South Park Elementary - the son of the devil as he claimed. He was a petite boy in all black with long black locks that framed his young face quite nicely I think. I offered him some tea and crumpets. We played many fun games! Why, he even lit me on fire once. I seemed to have a strange tendency to survive a lot of injuries. My, well, Damien was my first real friend. Even though he despised me, he would hang out with me occasionally afterward. We had jolly good fun together. But he wasn't around as often after he beared his father's message. After that things quieted down until a few weeks later when we took a trip to a dig site. Eric asked me to play Roshambo for a Native American arrowhead and he won quite easily. He kicked me in the balls, and I couldn't get back up.

After that I was fairly free and well for a few weeks, and then I became the star of the Dodgeball team! It was under rather unfortunate circumstances. I kept losing control of the ball and hitting the other team... I don't know, it's just... when people call me French I lose my self-control. It's the only thing that really gets to me really. I try my best to be optimistic... I was told once as a little child by my father, the only memory I have of him, to always be the a good child, because when you're happy and optimistic, good things will always happen to you. Good things happen to good people... I tried to believe him, but it was hard to do so. I hurt so many of those little Chinese children... I apologize, I digress... moving on, a few weeks later I had a terrible issue that summer. Summer school sucked, and I had no parents and my foster family was busy, so I had to stay at the school. A while later I did allow Leopold to drag me to a party though, where me, him, Dougie and Stanley had quite a fun time indeed!

Leopold was very easily socially accepted, although he was bullied still, the others genuinely liked him. Few acts of cruelty still got me, but a few did. One notable act I remember is Stanley telling me to say "please hit me." I refused, but he asked me several times and I finally obliged. So he hit me. This game went on for a few days, but he thankfully forgot. I was forgotten myself, it seemed... there was that last incident in third grade when Eric hit me with a rock after winning that sled race and asked the others, as Leopold told me, if British people count as a hate crime. After we entered fourth grade, I was forgotten completely... well, almost completely. When Kenneth died, I was selected to be a possible replacement. I even made it to the final six, but I made a bad move. I asked for tea and crumpets at a baseball game, and Eric kicked me out of the group.

After that I kept quiet, very very quiet. Stayed at home, enjoyed my tea and crumpets and didn't talk to anyone. But one day, that all changed.

The ground was shaking, buildings rocking from one side to another. I looked outside to see a hole in the street and looked down the street to see a gigantic metallic creature... I recognized her immediatedly. The reddish brown hair, the evil scowl, the fiery red eyes, the huge robotic feet, the enormous spines and long tail... Mecha-Streisand was back! And she had changed much since I last saw her. She blew a fiery breath and I saw many people running... even jolly old Santa Claus! The huge nosed monster breathed fire at the buildings, and in the blaze, I saw the empty street of the town I loved. There was a lump in my throat, but I knew I had to do something as I wandered forward towards the beast, stopping a few yeards away, "Cheeri-oh!"

Streisand stopped and looked at me.

"My name is Pip. I would like to see if you wouldn't mind not smashing our little town to bits!" I stretched out my arms to illustrate my point. Streisand did nothing. "I know life is hard, Madam, but trust me here... I know what it's like to be hated by everyone around you. To have no friends... to be a complete social outcast. To be called fart boy and frenchie... to be kicked in the balls or lit on fire and nobody dousing you down with water. That's been my whole life, Ms. Streisand." she stood, "...I'll be your friend."

Mecha-Streisand looked at me, as if understanding. I smiled - had I really saved the town?

And then the ground shook as a massive foot appeared to my left. I turned around and began to run, hoping to escape a sealed fate under Mecha-Streisand's foot, "HAAAA-"

SQUISH.

A metallic foot stepped and squished my body and moved, leaving barely any blood or organs left. And the next thing I knew, I was on an airplane between an old man and a younger one. "Tally ho! My name is Pip."

"J. D. Salinger." said the older man.

"My name's Corey Haim." said the younger one.

"Oh dear! Aren't you two dead?" I exclaimed with surprise.

"Yes, we're all dead." said Lech Kaczynski - I'd seen him on the telly. He was the President of Poland who had just died! Dear, I wish I had some tea and crumpets to offer him...

"All right everyone, it looks like we are all ready to move on to the next plane of existence." said a pretty flight attendant. I appeared to be on an airplane. Quite odd indeed...

"I don't understand. Why am I here?" I asked Corey Haim.

"The same reason we're all here!" said another man who sounded terribly impatient.

"Mr. Newman, you stay in your seat!" the flight attendant said.

"Don't worry about Paul." Corey said, "You must be new. You're dead."

"But I'm only a fourth grader!"

"Happens to the best of us." Corey explained. "Anyway, we'll be arriving in Hell shortly."

"Oh, jolly good, my friend Damien shall be there!" I smiled, clapping my hands together.

"Sorry crew, there's going to be another delay, we have a new arrival on his way..."

"Awwwwwwh!" the others exclaimed.

"Oh dear, I would hate to see another child in pain!" I cried.

"So how'd you die, Pip?" asked Corey.

"Oh, I was crushed to death by Barbra Streisand."

"I died of pneumonia."

"No you didn't, you were on a drug overdose." accused Paul.

"Shut up, Newman!" Haim said.

"Ay, get your hands off me! Don't you know who I am?" cried a familiar voice.

"Mr. Cruise, take your seat!" said the attendant.

"I don't have to listen to you! I'm Tom fucking Cruise!"

"Hey Tom, remember us?" said Phil Collins, rising from his seat, still clutching his oscar. Wasn't he at that concert with Timmy?

"Yeah, bet you forgot all about us!" and there's Jared Fogle. Leopold had spoken of him once.

"It's not my fault the Ginger Kids planted bombs all over!" Tom yelled. Oh, I remember now! Phil Collins and Jared Fogle were killed in the terrorist attack by the Gingers before Mecha-Streisand attacked.

"All right, we're taking off." the flight attendant smiled. "We'll be arrived at the next plane shortly."

[Chapter/Act Break]

As soon as I stepped off the plane into Hell, I spotted him by the gate - he hadn't changed much in the year. Damien stood, as always his raven-haired locks framing his young face still, thick black eyebrows and black eyes staring back, "Hello again, Pip." He was in his usual black jacket and gray pants, staring at me with those fiery eyes I'd become accustomed to on my best friend's face.

"Cheerio Damien! I must say it's been quite a long time!"

"Yes it has. I came as soon as I heard you were coming." Damien said quietly, as if he wasn't so pleased to be around me, "I wasn't going to come down here, but I suppose I owe you. And if there's one thing even Satan's family refuses to break, it's a promise."

"Oh dear, what do you mean?" I asked, adjusting my bow tie.

"Pip, as much as I hate you, you were the first person to befriend me. Besides Kenny McCormick, you're the only person I've spoken to much. Thus, I am in debt to you, against my will." Damien explained. "But first, come, you need to rest. My cavern isn't far." after quite a long walk, we entered a large cavern and Damien entered, raising his arms and yelling some Latin to turn the, erm, 'lights' on.

"I'm not tired, Damien."

"Nonsense. Your eternal spirit just came down millions of miles. Can I offer you some refreshments?"

"Oh, perhaps some tea?" I asked.

"I'm not making tea."

"Oh... some crumpets then?" I suggested, thinking it was a good idea.

"Goddamn, you're a little fag aren't you." Damien quickly summoned a glass from another sub-cavern and it filled with tea, handed it to me, and quickly another floated to him.

"It is a common misconception that British boys are homosexuals, but alas, I am not. Why, I had a girlfriend once, in fact..."

"Estella Havisham?"

"Yes." I answered quietly. I hadn't mentioned her in quite some time. She was one of the few things that could bring out my negative emotions. Damien turned towards a hole in the cave that acted as a large window - one could stare out at the eternal hellfire that burned the damned.

"She is a dashing girl, isn't she? It's a shame she's still up there in Britian without you. I'll send her my sympathies over your death." Damien said, sighing, "I must admit I feel bad you were torn from the Earth so earlier."

"Because I didn't get to experience the fullest of life?" I asked.

"No, because, you didn't get to suffer the misery of teenage and adult life. You didn't even get to experience High School. No, no, you were saved from puberty, pimples, breasts, drinking, drugs, driving, peer pressure, experimentation, sex, heartbreak.. oh so many wonderful ways you could have been tortured..."

"Damien, I believe only women develop breasts." I said, not completely understanding what he was going on about.

"Sorry, I forget you mortals are only allowed to be male or female." Damien said.

"What do you mean?"

"We immortals can shapeshift and change our looks whenever we feel. Per example," Damien closed his eyes, raised his arms and grew into a similar form, but now was taller and had stubble. A slightly deeper voice spoke back, "Now I'm college-aged." then he put his arms out and closed his eyes again and was far shorter than me with less hair, "Now Imma pweschoower." Then he did it a third time and went back to normal.

"Oh, what jolly good fun!" I said, Damien nodding.

"But that's not why I brought you here." he said as I sipped my tea, "You see, my debt to you, as an immortal, would be eternal. So I've decided to do as my father did when he was in debt to Kenny McCormick, and I'll offer you a single wish."

"Hmm... well, there is one thing I've always wondered..." I said.

"What. Name it." Damien asked.

"Are you quite sure?"

"Yes godammit, what the hell do you want?"

"I want to meet my parents." I said.

"Your parents?" Damien raised an eyebrow.

"My father and mother died in South Park when I was a very young boy on vacation from England. I don't know my mother's name, but my father was named James Pirrup." I explained.

"James Pirrup... he wasn't Mormon was he?"

"No, my entirely family is Roman Catholic."

"Then he should be here." Damien put a hand on my shoulder and there was a loud POP as we reappeared in a different layer of Hell - this one was far more cave like, with less fire. I felt as if I was within the small planet of Mars in a deep red cavern, "He isn't far."

"Father? Father, it's your little Phillip!"

"Mr. Pirrup? James Pirrup!" Damien called as he kicked some rocks, when he tripped, "Ah, there he is." he pushed away a few crudely made bricks in the red wall and entered a small passage way to find a quite striking man. He looked similar to me, with long blonde hair, a thin face, and a small mustache. He wore a reddish suit and jeans and looked terribly frightened as he stood with his back to the wall in fear of the anti-Christ. "There you are, James Pirrup."

"Don't hurt me! Leave me alone!" Father put his hands forward for defense.

"Oh, don't grovel. I'm not my father, pathetic mortal. I'm just doing a favor." Damien moved aside and allow me to move closer to my father.

"Ch-cheerio, Father."

"...Phillip?" Father hugged me tightly, "Oh my God, son, I never thought I'd see you again!"

"Ugh, humans... so emotional..." Damien rolled his eyes.

"Well, Barbra Streisand killed me father." I explained quickly.

"Babs did that?"

"You're a friend of her's?" I said curiously.

"Yeah sorta... we were... close."

"They had sex." Damien summarized.

"Oh dear! Is she Mother?" I asked with surprise. Being killed by my own mother... dear I hoped it wasn't her.

"I... I don't really know. Son, when I was in South Park I... was not exactly the most honorable guy."

"This is the section for those who had lust as their biggest offense." Damien told me bluntly.

"Oh! Is Mother dead like you?" I asked, a bit saddened. Perhaps I'll never know my mother...

"No. She's still alive in South Park probably. Admittedly though, your mum is a woman of questionable morals..."

"Oh dear Elizabeth! This is like when Eric tried to find his father... father, you don't have a vagina by any chance, do you?" I asked, curious.

"Goddamn son!" he got up, "Who the hell raised you?"

"Nobody. I lived in the school because my parents were dead... at least that's what I had thought..." I cried. Damien was not paying attention anymore, and was playing on a PSP. "It's a shame now I may never know my mother, as grateful as I am to have met you, father." I smiled up at him.

"I love you, too, son." Father hugged me tightly still. "We'll find out who your mother is... somehow... some day..."

"Ugh, you're just going to keep whining, won't you!" Damien walked up, "Fine, I'll let you both back for twenty-four hours, and I'll go with you, but once you find out who your mother is, both of you are going back to Hell and staying there and that is final!" he said, eyes burning as he stared at us. I smiled at Father and hugged him tightly.

[A/N: At this point, I apparently switched from First Person POV to Third Person mid-chapter... eheh...]

Then a dark voice came on, "WHO IS PIP PIRRUP'S MOTHER?"

"Oh dear, not him again..." Pip sighed, remembering the voice from Eric's search.

"What?" Damien asked.

"IS IT PRINCIPAL VICTORIA?"

"Ohhh, I remember that chick. Dude, she was fuckin' great..." Father smirked, much to my surprise.

"OR IS IT LIANE CARTMAN?"

"Eric's mother? I don't think so." Pip said.

"Liane? Oh God, she was freakin' amazing... seriously! She's one of those women you just lose yourselves with, such a perfect-" Damien covered his mouth.

"No! You don't want to make your punishment worse, do you?"

"OR IS IT-"

[Act Break]

Back in the mountain town of South Park, the classic four boys were enjoying a mini-vacation. School was out for a few days and they had decided to find a peaceful spot to hang out, settling on a secluded lake surrounded by the mountainous forest. The boys sat relaxed as all four had a fishing pole sitting in the calm lake hoping to perhaps catch a bite. If they didn't catch anything it would have been fine anyway for now things were just perfect.

Cartman turned his head, "You know you guys... this is kinda peaceful really. Just us, you know, being friends. No celebrities, no Gingers, no Jew- oh right, Kyle, sorry."

"...thanks Cartman... I think" Kyle said.

"Hey I got a bite!" Stan smiled, trying to reel, "It's a big one!" Kenny grabbed Stan to keep him in the boat as he reeled.

"Wow that thing must be huge!" Kyle said commenting as he helps Kenny in keeping Stan on the boat.

Cartman lazily sat on his fat ass and just watched

"Heheh, that's what she said!" Kenny laughed as they finally fell back, pulling in a huge catfish.

"Holy shit dude, that one's huge!" Kyle said.

"It looks like it's gonna throw up..." Stan's eyes widened.

"Fish don't throw up..." Kyle commented "Do they?" Suddenly the fish lit on fire and disappeared, revealing a very discolored, half-eaten duo of Pip Pirrup and Damien.

"We need to fix this resurrection shit." Damien remarked, lighting himself on fire for a split second to recover back to his regular appearance.

"HOLY SHIT!" Kyle exclaimed

"Damien?! Pip?!" Stan asked

"Yes, it's a long story. Paddle us to shore and I'll explain." Damien said.

"No way, I'm not wasting my time on you buttholes." Cartman said. Damien set Cartman on fire with a smirk and Stan and Kyle paddled back.

"AAAHHH! I'M BURNING!" Cartman screamed

"I'll help!" Kenny said as he pulled out a stick and began whacking Cartman with it. "Remember this?!"

"FUCK THAT'S NO HELP!" Cartman yelled and jumped into the lake

"Well we're here." Stan said as they reached the shore "I hope Cartman can swim.." Stan added

"I don't..." Kyle replied rather coldly course who could blame him when all Cartman ever did was use him as a punching bag

Cartman crawled ashore, hypvenilating, "...f-f...ffffff..." he reached forward, "...fuck you, Jew..." and he passed out.

"I think he's dead.."Stan said

"Oh dear! I hate seeing another child in pain!" Pip cried.

"Shut up Pip." the others all said.

"So what's this about?" Kyle asked.

"I've been allowed to bring Pip and his father back for about forty-eight hours to find the identity of Pip's mother before I drag him to the first layer of Hell." Damien explained.

"To Hell?! You mean Pip died?" Stan asked

"When did this happen?" Kyle asked obviously they have not been paying attention

"You chaps...weren't even aware that I died?" Pip asked rather hurt that no one even noticed

"How do you think I feel sometimes...?" Kenny asked "Some best friends and sometimes they don't even give a shit when I die."

"The Mecha-Streisand attack on Friday." Damien said flatly. "But yes, Pip is dead. Unless his mother is a McCormick or something."

"Damn way to make us feel guilty Kenny..." Stan complained

"Uh I don't think Pip even has a McCormick relative.." Kenny replid "Least not that I know of"

"We have no idea who my mum is... but look, if you guys do agree to help me find her, you'll never have to see me again." Pip explained his bargain.

"Um sure?" Kyle said with indifference in his voice.

"Thank you! Now, how shall I discover my mum's identity?" Pip said, thinking.

"Well what is your last name?" Kyle asked

"Pirrup." Pip said

"See, the guy to see about that kinda stuff is Scott Tenorman." Cartman said - he must've gotten up a few minutes ago. He was fixing his cap and coat.

"You mean Mephesto?" Stan asked

"Who?" Pip said

"Mephesto the mad scientist on the hill." Stan replied

"Would you chaps mind taking me to him?" Pip asked quietly, Damien rolling his eyes.

"Do we have to help this Frenchie fag?!" Cartman complained

Damien's eyes and hands appeared to be on fire, though he himself didn't burn a bit

"Awww are you and Frenchie a couple? "Cartman mocked

"...when will you ever learn fat ass?" Kyle asked

"Rectus dormius tyrannus flamicus!" Damien raised his arms, and Cartman was again lit on fire, although this time, the fire was a vibrant, icy blue.

"AAAHH!" Cartman screams as he ran in circles

"Ahh quit being such a baby..." Kenny remarked

"Anyway let's go to Mephesto's."Stan said

"Lead the way, chap." Pip said as Cartman passed out again.

"Damn, more dead weight." Kenny sighed.

"He'll catch up." Kyle said.

xXx

Dr. Alphonse Mephesto was in his laboratory at a table, with a small animal in a tray, "Oh, don't fret." he told the small creature as it tried to run, "Poor thing, you don't realize how revolutionary you'll be to the scientific community." his small assistant, Kevin, a hairy tanned boy in an outfit similar to his adoptive father's, approached. "Hm, what's going on, Kevin?" he put down his instrument and picked up his cane, "Someone at the door now? We shouldn't even answer it... all I do to the good citizens of South Park is hurt them... the turkeys... the clones... I mean, look what happened when I had to explain Eric Cartman's father, Kevin?"

Kyle knocks on Mephesto's lab door. "Hello anyone there? Dr. Mephesto?" cried a voice from outside. Mephesto looked to his small assistant. Kevin simply moved a stool the door and hopped on top to look out the small peephole.

"Hey it's that weird short thing.."Stan pointed out

Kevin said nothing, looking out at them.

"Can you let us in...thing?" Kyle asked. Kevin blinked and looked to Mephesto,

"...oh, fine, let them in." Mephesto said. Kevin opened the top two locks then pushed the stool away, scraping the floor, and then opened the last lock and then the door. Mephesto watched apprehensively as the classic four, Damien and Pip entered.

"Mephesto we're here to find Pip's mom. " Stan told him

"Why I'll never know we don't even like him." Cartman grumbled.

"Don't you want to never see him again in your whole life?" Kyle asked.

"Oh yeah that'd kick ass!" Cartman exclaimed "Hurry up find his bitch ass mom!" Hearing this deep down Pip wanted to cry, he felt rather lonely but he didn't let his hurt feelings show.

"Ummm...s-sure..." Pip replied in a tone subtly not quite as cheerful as he normally was.

"Oh, for crying out loud, another DNA Test?" Mephesto gripped his cane tightly, "Fine, fine... do you have a DNA sample from your father?" he asked. Damien gave Mephesto a vial. "And now I'll need some of your blood, Mr. Pirrup."

"Oh, some of my blood?" Pip's eyes widened with fear, "Oh dear, you won't be sticking a needle in me, will you?"

"Shut up Pip." Stan said.

"Yeah don't be such a pussy hurry up so we don't have to put up with your faggy accent ever again!" Cartman shouted coldly.

"Oh right, you of all people are going to say that?" Mephesto rolled his eyes, "You cried when I told you your father was Jack Tenorman!" Cartman said nothing. "Now, which one of you is going to get a DNA sample from Pip?"

"Kenny can do it..." Stan said

"Yeah Kenny said he'll volunteer..." Kyle added.

"What the fuck I didn't say that!" Kenny replied

"Stop your bitching..."Cartman told him

"Ugh fine..." Kenny grumbled "I'll do it...asses"

"What do I have to do?" Kenny asked

Kevin handed Kenny a needle as Mephesto explained, "Get a small sample of Pip's blood." Pip backed away.

"Ok.." Kenny said as he walked over to Pip with the needle. Pip backed away further,

"Oh please, not the needle!"

"But I have to get a sample Pip!" Kenny replied. Pip sighed and put his hand out,

"M-make it quick." Kenny walked up to Pip and quickly sticks the syringe in his arm and pulls out a blood sample, Pip's eyes closed as his face crumpled with pain.

"All right, give me the sample and then you boys can come back in about an hour and I'll have the results."

"AN HOUR?! Why so fucking long?"Cartman complained as Kenny handed the sample over to Mephesto.

"It takes a while to analyze DNA results. Your lucky I'm not charging you the standard $3000"

"Ok what do we do for an hour?" Kyle asks.

"Let's mess with some of these stupid animals." Cartman went by the five-assked monkey cage while Mephesto was distracted.

"You think we should?" Kyle asked

"What's the worst that could happen?" Stan asked. As soon as the door was open, the five-assed monkey ran at Kenny.

"Oh dear!" Pip said with shock.

"He'll be back in a few hours." Damien sad indifferently. In an instance the monkey tore Kenny to shreds and he laid on the ground dead.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" Stan said.

"You bastards!"

[Act Break]

"All right John, you know what to do, right?" called Kyle from on top of the hill.

"You guys promise I won't get killed?" the boy, John Vanson, turned around, wearing a bright blue jacket and a yellow undershirt, with long messy brown hair, glasses, and a big grin.

"Promise." Stan said with an encouraging style. He, Cartman and Kyle were at the top of an enormous hill. John stood at the bottom with a stick and ran up to a large sleeping creature. It appeared to be a gigantic robot... with hair and a large mammalian nose, as well as enormous closed eyes.

"Wake up Babs!" John called, as he poked it with a stick. Giant red eyes stared at him. "Wake the fuck up!" he said, looking at Stan, "You guys, I don't think it's working..."

"Just make sure to press the button by her leg, buddy!" Cartman yelled, an evil smirk. Mecha-Streisand got up and stared down and John made a run for her leg, but was too late - her leg raised.

"Aw, don't make me go-"

STOMP.

"Awh, finally, I hated that kid!" Cartman cheered. Stan and Kyle hugged, but Mecha-Streisand looked them in the eye. "Oh fuck, the toxic fume spray! Go for her legs you guys!" they all jumped down into the valley, Kyle running towards Mecha-Streisand's leg and hopping on it. Mecha-Streisand hopped up and tried to shake him off. Kyle quickly moved to the back of her leg while she chased Stan and Cartman.

And then suddenly, she was gone, and singer Barbra Streisand stood in her place, "Where is it?"

"What?"

"The Diamond of Pantheos!" Streisand said.

"We don't have it, Barbra. We need you to come with us. There's a little British boy who may be your son. And he needs his mom right now." said Cartman.

"...Cartman? Is that you?" Kyle said.

"Shhh, Kahl, don't be a dirty Jew, I'm trying to mess with her mind and appeal to her love of children godammit!" Cartman said.

"...who do you think I am here, Miley fucking Cyrus?" Streisand asked.

"Oh for fuck's sake, time for Plan B." Stan said, "Damien!" Suddenly Streisand was lit with fire.

"AUGH! LET ME FUCKING GO YOU STUPID KID!"

"Agree to help us. It's one day you fucking big-nosed freak." Damien replied.

"Fine! Fine!" Barbra said and the fire disappeared.

"Now let's get togerher Pip's other potential fathers." Damien said.

"Damn Damien, you are bad ass." Cartman said.

"...Thank you, I think." Damien said.

"Let's hope Dr. Mephesto, Kevin and Terrence are taking care of the rest."

 _"The day is approaching to give it your best_

 _You've got to reach your prime!"_

Dr. Mephesto is looking in a microscope while Kevin switches slides every moment or so. Each slide has almost identical-looking DNA, until we see a very different one. Mephesto stops, thinking he's made a breakthrough, but Kevin reads the label: People v. Simpson, Crime Scene DNA. Mephesto's eyes widen and he looks both ways and hides it.

 _"That's when you need to put yourself to the test_

 _And show us the passage of time"_

The three boys and Damien are in Nurse Gollum's office, who's treating a crying Clyde. They go up and ask her some questions to her as she holds a clipboard. She nods, and then treats Clyde.

 _"We're gonna need a montage (Montage)_

 _A mom-finding montage (Montage)"_

Kevin is on the phone with Mayor McDaniels, who keeps talking for a few moments, probably whining that as a Mayor she has better things to do then he gives it to Terrence Mephesto who yells for her to come angrily, then hangs up leaving her in shock.

 _"And just show a lot of things happenin' at once._

 _Remind everyone of what's goin' on. (What's goin' on?)"_

The boys are speaking with Principal Victoria in her office with Mr. Mackey. They appear to be resisting until Cartman takes the picture of Victoria with Rosie O'Donnel off the book shelf and Victoria nods quickly.

 _"And with every shot, show a little improvement_

 _To show it won't take too long"_

Terrence is speaking with Ms. Cartman through a locked door as she finishes up with a client on the other side.

 _"That's called a montage (Montage)_

 _Even Rocky had a montage (Montage)"_

Kenny's parents are crying at his funeral when the boys ask them quietly. They exchange looks and Stuart yells but Carol shakes her head and gets up to go with them.

 _"In any case, if you want to go_

 _From just a beginner to a pro"_

An armed Officer Barbrady guards a tied up Barbra Streisand in front of a wall with many small glass tanks filled with Mephesto's genetic creatures.

 _"You'll need a montage (Montage)_

 _a simple little montage (Montage)"_

The boys are at Hell's Pass Hospital speaking with Nurse Goodly. who's using her mouth to give some flu shots. She agrees.

 _"Always fade out (Montage) into a montage (Montage)_

 _If you fade out it seems like a long time (Montage) has passed in a montage (Montage)_

 _Montage (Montage)"_

The potential mothers were all gathered in Dr. Mephesto's laboratory with him, Kevin, Terrence, the boys, Damien and Pip at front. "All right, all right, the DNA test results will be out any minute." Mephesto smiled triumphantly.

"Oh God, mam, I swear, if you fucked Pip's dad, I am going to make you eat grandpa." Cartman threatened.

"Poopeskins! No, bad!" Liane Cartman told her son.

"I am never sleeping around again." Barbra crossed her arms. The machine's DNA results came out,

"Pip Pirrup's mother is..."

BANG BANG.

"You missed this time, Ralph!" Mephesto said triumphantly.

"No I didn't." came a voice, and suddenly the lights were out.

"Dammit now I can't read the sheet. Why does this always happen during paternity tests? Nobody cares about multiple-assed animals but I'm telling some kid who their parent is and suddenly everyone wants in... Jesus Christ..."

"Ah, Mephesto... I've waited a long time for this." came a voice.

"...you!" Mephesto cried.

"Oh dear, who is it?" Pip asked.

"Shut up Pip!" everyone else called. Pip's stomach contorted again. Just keep thinking happy... he told himself.

BANG! Thud - Mephesto had fallen.. There was a shriek from an unrecognizable voice.

"It's okay, Kevin, daddy'll be okay." Terrence said, comforting his 'younger brother' "I know where the fuse box is. You guys stay here. I have the test results, don't worry about that."

"Okay, you know what, who's out there?" Cartman called, "I am not having this shit happen again, especially not for fucking Frenchie, he's not even a main character, he's fucking dead!" Pip reminded himself again things would end up good... they always do, he was a good boy...

"I'm not fucking stupid, you think I'm just going to tell you who I am? I'm an old friend of the Mephesto family. That's all you need to know." came the voice.

"Pip's life sucks already, why stall it? I mean, the kid's been a stupid pussy his whole life and still went to Hell, and refuses to stand up for himself or anything, the stupid French piece of-" Eric Cartman began.

"Oh... forget it! Just forget it! All of you! My whole life I've tried to be a good person. Just so people will like me. And you know what? It's all just been a waste of time. None of you care about me, or who my mother is." Pip cried out, and then there was a slamming of a door.

"...can the rest of us leave, too?" asked Cartman.

"No." said the voice, " Ralph is going to lock the door and keep you all here."

"No! You can't do that!" Damien cried.

"Yes I can." said the voice.

"No, Damien is right. You can't." came another voice.

"...oh no. Not you... fucking butthole..." cried Cartman.

"Where it the Coon now, Eric?" cried the boy perched in the darkness on Mephesto's desk.

"Where the fuck did you come from?"

"That's not important right now." the boy said.

"Mysterion, thank goodness you're here." Kyle said.

"Yes, thank goodness you're here." a man vaguely resembling Mephesto came up with a smirk, holding a gun, "The name's Ralph Mephesto." There was a small light on now from a lantern he had put down in front of him. "None of you are leaving alive. Me and my, ahem, associate, have plans for you. Now, now, all of you get on your knees and put your hands behind your heads!"

"...I hate this town." Stan nosebridgepinched.

[Act Break]

"Hello Ralph. Fancy seeing you here." Mysterion leaped down to face off Mephesto's younger brother.

"Don't forget you - I'm the one with the gun." Ralph said.

"A real man doesn't have to use weapons." Mysterion said cryptically.

"What do you know about being a real man, Broflovski?"

"Dude, I'm over here." the camera panned over to the actual Kyle.

"...the fuck? Then who's..." Mysterion waved. "Godammit." Ralph facepalmed. "Well, I've got the-" Ralph raised his arm - to realize his gun was gone. "Who-" Click.

"Get out of here, dudes." said a familiar voice.

"Oh, fuck this." Damien raised his arms and was engulfed in flames for a split second, and then was absent from the scene.

"...aw, godammit." Kyle cursed.

xXx

Pip was outside Dr. Mephesto's lab, sitting deep in the snow, for once looking quite sad, his head hung between his hands - he was near one of the hill's many dead trees. _Forget about them, ol' chap, they don't care about you..._ he told himself. He sniffled, _My existence has been worthless! No friends, nor family, nor love..._ he remembered his old life in England. Ah, but things just went downhill after Pocket contracted Hepatitis... he sniffled again, holding in a cry from the memory.

"Hey..." Damien appeared, "Hey Pip." he repeated quietly, a consoling look on his face as he sat by the British boy.

"Go away!" Pip cried angrily.

"Pip, dude..."

"I said 'go away!' You don't care about me - nobody does! My entire life I've been nice to everyone, pushing out every last negative thought in the hopes someone might like me... that I might have a real, honest friend... and look what it brought me? Crushed to death with no funeral, no idea who my mother is and only meeting my father in Hell! My entire existence has just been a big joke!" Pip said, and then he turned and glared, his voice cracking, "You had something to do with this didn't you? Don't think I forgot when you set me on fire! You and your father planned it, I bet - it's all just a big joke? You really ARE the anti-Christ, I suppose. I can't believe I ever thought for one moment you were my best friend." Pip turned away, a few tears rolling down his thin face as his self-restraint faltered...

"...you really think I'd do that?" Damien said, "Look Pip, you're right - I am the anti-Christ, and I was an asshole to you. It's just... well you said it yourself. You hoped people like you. That's why I lit you on fire. Just as you wished for acceptance, I did. And you were the passage to it. But you haven't been a joke." Damien said, uncharacteristically quiet, "Pip, there's something you should know..." Damien looked away.

"What?"

"It _is_ my fault you died." Damien revealed, Pip's eyes widening, "I always thought highly of you. You may have been annoying, but nobody kept a smile on their face the way you did, through all life's abuse. You really were the closest thing I had to a friend, as annoying as you were. I could barely stand you, but the truth is, there's nobody I'd sooner trust... I wanted to get you out of South Park, Pip. I wanted you to get away from the abuse. To live in peace. I figured if I killed you, you could stay in hell and live with the others. All peaceful. So when I let Steve Irwin and Michael Jackson back up from Hell for the lawsuit, I made a deal they couldn't go back unless they made sure Babs got you."

"...y-you're lying." Pip said, "You just want me to feel better so you can get the guilt off your shoulders granting my wish."

"Pip, I swear on my mother's life, that I'm telling the truth." Damien said quietly, "I know I seem evil, I should be... but we all have our soft spots, even my father. You're my only friend... I just wanted you out of your misery."

"H-how do I know I can trust you?" Pip said.

"The old Pip would trust anyone no matter what. You've got nothing to lose. Pip, I'm not saying this as the anti-Christ, or as the son of Satan, I'm saying this as your friend: Trust me."

"Damien..." Pip turned, tears down his face.

"Phillip." Damien replied quietly, and Pip moved forward and embraced Damien quietly. They stood there for a moment, in the snow, hugging, before Damien forced himself to break the silence. "I should also tell you - nobody can ever know about this little conversation, or a damn thing I told you."

"Of course..."

xXx

"Kevin!" Stan's eyes widened - Kevin Mephesto stood behind Ralph with a gun at his head, Terrence next to him.

"Thought we'd left you for dead, eh, Marsh?" Terrence smirked.

"Oh, thank God!" Nurse Gollum smiled, the potential moms at the back of the room now, having tried to keep quiet to avoid being killed.

"Why do you hate your brother so much dude?" Kyle asked.

"Alphonse has always been the smart one, the nice one, the good one, the smart one. That's why the story he made about Liane Cartman made so much sense - I only shot him under improvisation for the conspiracy. This time, well he got me involved."

"He who?" Stan asked.

"Well, it was-"

BANG

Ralph fell forward. "Kevin, what the fuck?" Cartman asked. Stan went by the body, examing his back.

"Cartman, you idiot, this is an exit wound, not an entrance wound. Couldn't have been Kevin, he was behind. And judging from where it went through, it narrowly missed his heart. He should be able to survive." Stan noted. "Never thought Uncle Jimbo's lessons would come in handy..."

"He's right." Nurse Goodly and Nurse Gollum approached, examing it. "Must be from a small pistol." said Nurse Goodly noted.

"Well then who could it be?" Kyle said. Terrence and Kevin ran over to crouch by Dr. Mephesto, still unconcience.

"He's still breathing." Terrence noted.

"I'll get to taking care of Mephesto." Nurse Goodly moved over by him, "Mary, come here." she said and Nurse Gollum approached.

"Okay, mysterious voice, who are you? We've had enough of this crap. I can get a real 'nam vet on you in like, a minute."

"Kevin might recognize me, don't you Kevin?" The voice returned, sounding closer. Kevin made an upset face.

"Don't let him get to you, brother..." Terrence said.

"I've known your father for years. Alphonse and I were once good friends, you see. Great friends. In fact, I introduced him to his wife." said the voice.

"...my m-mom?" Terrence said.

"Shame they divorced... but that's not important. You see, I just got out of prison..." came the voice.

"Show yourself, butthole!" Cartman cried.

"Fine." An old man walked out, with dark gray hair on his head and large blue eyes with a dastardly smile. He had a dark mustache. His eyes were half-lidded, his face wrinkly, and he wore a dark orange prison inmate suit and held a cane similar to Mephesto's as he stood up, "Remember me?" he smirked. Kevin hid behind Terrence.

"Leave my little brother alone!"

"Just tell us who you are!" Stan cried.

"The name's Dr. Arnie Abesacraben, University of California, Class of '86." said the man, smirking.

"What's your problem with my father?" Terrence asked.

"You'd like to know wouldn't you?" Abesacraben smirked, "Look Terrence, your father's been lying to you all of these years... or rather, to little Kevin."

"What about my little brother?" Terrence asked.

"Exactly!" Abesacraben said, "Here, I'll let some friends tell you... Primus!"

"Hey, it's that guy who always sings when we get on the bus!" pointed out Kyle. Les Claypool nodded, and cleared his throat loudly,

"In 1986, the University of Californa at Davis

Saw two of it's all-time brightest stars,

Dr. Alphonse Mephesto and Dr. Arnie Abesacraben.

Dr. Mephesto worked hard towards his thesis - his goal

Was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of Asparagus,

So that all Asparagus would grow to the same girth and length,

Giving Asparagus a much more pleasent presentation in the world's

Supermarkter vegetable bins.

Dr. Abesacraben's goal was to genetically create the greatest

Musical entertainer the world had ever seen.

Dr. Abesacraben knew that if he could assemble the right elements,

He could theoretically build a DNA structure that would ensure

His creation had talent far surpassing the average individual.

At the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that

Michael Jackson - in an effort to maintain his youthful look and

Feminie vocal characteristics - had his testicles surgically removed,

Thereby making him a modern-day castrato.

If such a rumor were true, Michael Jackson more that likely would have

Had some of his semen preserved before the surgery, to ensure his the

Future of his name and lineage.

Word came back to Dr. Abesacraben of a secret cold storage locker

Deep within the bowels of the UCLA research center, that not only

Contained four containers of frozen semen, but also held a pair of

Testicles, each was labeled with the name "Jack Michaelson"."

Darth Chef came forward, "I once heard a noise,

In the night the most sensual voice.

Song of love from a eight year-old boy,

Stuck in my head.

And this is what he said:

I am gopher boy!

Pondering reality!

I am gopher boy!

Who will buy my raspberries?"

The boys exchanged odd looks as Claypool continued,

"This had to be the seed of the king of pop!

Dr. Abesacraben was able to use his charm and and chissled Greek

Feature to woo a young lab technician by the name of Jennifer, who of

Course happened to have the proper access needed to obtain a small vial

Of the precious semen.

The search for the egg was a short one - Dr. Mephesto simply ran an ad

In the classified section of an airline music magazine. The ad read:

"Wanted: unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment. Donors must

Have musical background." With a pleathera of young, eager wanna-be

Music starlets willing to sell their eggs, the two doctors - after

Rigorous

Auditioning - picked... and purchased.

Dr. Abesacraben felt that it would be far less complicated legally if the

Fetus were brought to term in the womb of a non-human. He had long since

Secured the services of the University volleyball mascot, a llama by the

Name of "Missy".

When the baby was ready, the child was delivered via cesarean. It was a healthy baby

Boy; he was named Kevin."

Darth Chef came up again, "I once heard a noise,

In the night the most sensual voice.

Song of love from a eight year-old boy,

Stuck in my head.

And this is what he said:

I am gopher boy!

Pondering reality!

I am gopher boy!

Who will buy my raspberries?"

Claypool coughed, "Sorry... sorry..." he cleared his throat again,

"Kevin was a beautiful child. Dr. Abesacraben saw to it that Kevin was

Trained by the best in all aspects of performing. His voice was golden, and had a

Sweetness to it that most males lacked. He moved with grace, and was able to

Moonwalk by the time he was three. As Kevin grew in his talent, Dr. Abesacraben

Started noticing odd developments in his physical state. When Kevin lost his baby

Teeth, his secondaries came in with a vengance! They were at least twice

The size of a normal adult's, and the two in front stuck nearly straight out. Also

As Kevin reached his eighth year, he was the same size as the was when he was four. To

Top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous, even by adult

Standards.

It also dawned on the doctor that even trough all the years of hearing Kevin sing,

He rarely spoke, often choosing to communicate with various grunt and gurgles."

Darth Chef came up one more time, "I once heard a noise,

In the night the most sensual voice.

Song of love from a eight year-old boy,

Stuck in my head.

And this is what he said:

I am gopher boy!

Pondering reality!

I am gopher boy!

Who will buy my raspberries?"

"Others were noticing the changes in Kevin. Children began to tease him - to call him "Gopher Boy".

One day a bully by the name of "Big Roy" started throwing bananas at him.

Soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas.

Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy and bit three finger fingers off on his left hand.

Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state.

Dr. Abesacraben's actions were found out, but because there was no legislation

Concerning the genetic instruction of a human being, no criminal charges were brought forth.

The medical association's board of ethics stripped him of all his creditials, and his reputation was ruined.

In fact, his name became to synonmous with failure, that for years to come,

Medical students around the world were known to say in times of mishaps,

"Damn, I feel just like Abesacraben".

Dr. Mephesto immediately began procedings to adopt little Kevin.

Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned Asparagus,

It wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son.

They moved to Colorado where they live in relative obscurity.

Kevin is still a boy of few spoken words, sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles.

But on occasion, if you listen closely,

You can hear his sweet golden signing voice ring out into the night over the town of South Park." Claypool finished, coughing again, "Sorry, been a while since I had to sing so fast."

"Thanks guys!" Abesacraben said.

"We appreciate the gig." Claypool said as he, Darth Chef and the rest of Primus left.

"So you see, Kevin... I am your father." Abesacraben said. "Mephesto's been taking credit for your creation for years. The perfect pop singer... but you're mine now!" he smirked.

"No, he's not." cried Mysterion as he tackled Abesacraben, "That boy is legally bound to Mephesto! Kevin's not your's anymore!"

"Get off me, you fucking kid!"

"Oh, I'm no kid... I'm more powerful than you could possibly concieve." Mysterion smirked, as he held Abesacraben down. "Officer Barbrady, get him now!"

"But don't I have to watch Barbra Streisand?" Barbrady called, still watching Barbra from the beginning, "I don't even have my gun anymore!"

"No, no, I can handle Babs, you take Arnie." Mysterion moved aside as Barbrady came up and fastened restraints on Abesacraben's fingers.

"You're going downtown." Barbrady escorted Arnie out.

"You haven't heard the last of me!" he was dragged out. Damien and Pip reappeared,

"Looks like you guys fixed things." Damien said.

"Jolly good." Pip smiled.

"Alphonse'll be fine in a few minutes." Nurse Goodly told the others, "We've fixed his wounds fairly well, stopped bleeding. He'll be okay." Terrence smiled. Kevin still looked sad.

"Hey Kevin?" Terrence asked his little brother, "It doesn't matter if Dr. Abesacraben is really your father. 'cause you know what? Dad's been more of a father to you than that jackass was anyway." They hugged.

"Jesus fuck, remind me never to go to Mephesto's lab for a test ever again." Cartman said.

"Amen." Kyle said.

[Act Break]

"Wh-where am I?" awoke Dr. Alphonse Mephesto on the floor of his lab, as he was helped up by Nurses Gollum and Goodly, looking around, a hand on a bandage on the side of his face.

"You're in your lab, Dr. Mephesto. Your brother shot you again." Nurse Gollum explained.

"How are the Denver Broncos involved in this?" Mephesto asked.

"Oh, he was helping Dr. Arnie Abesacraben." Goodly said. Mephesto raising an eyebrow.

"Dr. Abesacraben? But he-"

"...Jesus Christ. Can we just finish this up already?" Cartman said. Mysterion, Cartman, Damien, Pip, Kyle and Stan sat by Mephesto, Terrence and Kevin as he the Nurses retreated. "I'm so sick of Pip this, Pip that - everyone cares so much about that stupid Frenchie, what about me? I'm complex, I'm interesting! I could be my own TV show if I wanted to!"

"Cartman, shut up." Stan said as Dr. Mephesto took the letter out.

"All right, the mother of Pip Pirrup is... say, did anyone see the 201st episode of Terrance and Phillip two months ago? That was really something wasn't-"

"Quit stalling!" Kyle said.

"Right, right... as I was saying, the mother of Pip Pirrup is... Principal Victoria!" Mephesto said, to wide mouths.

"Thank God. Can I go now?" Barbra asked, still arms behind her back as Mysterion guarded her.

"No you can't go." Mysterion scolded.

"Phew. I'm glad it wasn't me, I can't afford another kid." Carol said.

"Me neither. Why, Eric costs so much money by himself..." Liane noted.

"To be honest, I was looking forward to having a little boy around, even if he is British." Nurse Goodly said. Pip quietly walked up to his mother,

"Cheerio Principal Victoria. This explains everything doesn't it, I suppose?"

"Hello... son." Principal Victoria looked away, "What do you mean?"

"You said I had to stay at school all the time because my parents were dead. I get it now - you wanted to keep an eye on me, right?" Pip smiled at her.

"Well yes, Pip... I'm sorry Pip, you shouldn't have had to grow up without parents around." she said, kneeling down to her son. "I didn't mean to- it's just that... I had a husband when I ran into James, i-it was a fling. I was able to hide it all from my husband and I gave birth to you in England, but I had to set up the exchange student program and everything... it was a big cover-up. I'm so sorry..." she said.

"I... I love you, mom." Pip said quickly, hugging her.

"I, uh... yeah, you too, Pip." Victoria said, half-hugging back before Pip broke away.

"Well, now I've met you, mother. I suppose my time's up, Damien?"

"I'm afraid so." Damien said as Pip went by him, Damien raising his arms.

"Wait, Pip..." Stan said. Pip turned to the boys, "Look we learned something today... we learned a lot. We learned no matter how annoying someone is, it's rude to just hate them and expect them to change. People don't just change if you hate them. We need to accept people for who they are and can't just bully them because we don't like them. Everyone's a person and you should treat people how you want to be treated."

"Yeah..." Kyle said. Pip smiled.

"We were too mean to you all those years and we're really sorry for treating you like crap... Cartman."

"Thanks pussies." Cartman said.

"Well... tally ho everyone, I suppose." Pip and Damien went to the side, "I shall honestly miss you all."

"Goodbye, Mr. Pirrup." Dr. Mephesto said, with a small wave, Kevin bouncing.

Damien raised his arms and chanted and a sphere of light surrounded the two, Pip giving a final wave as the ball quickly shrank, taking them with it.

"Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go patrol the city." Mysterion said, heading for a window and hopping out into the night.

"So... you guys wanna go get ice cream?" Cartman said.

"Hell yeah!" Kyle said and the three boys shuffled out, followed by Liane and Carol.

"Say, any of you kids seen Kinny?" asked Carol

"Oh right, yeah, I'd like to thank all of you for your help but it's late and Kevin and Terrence need to get their rest. Good night everyone." Dr. Mephesto said, opening the door to his laboratory and letting everyone out, sighing, "All right kids, both of you get to bed! If your mother hears I let you stay up late again, I'll die without even reaching ninety!" Terrence and Kevin shuffled away, "All right, so let's see... human DNA... bear DNA... pig DNA... maybe I can splice a-"

"Hey what about me?" cried Barbra Streisand.

"Oh, I'm sorry, is someone here?" Mephesto looked both ways and went back to splicing.

"Damn you all!"

 **The End**

 _Author's Notes:_ Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!

 **Commentary:** When I wrote this six years ago, I thought I was at the close of my _South Park_ fanfic writing career. This turned out to be a rebirth instead, and lead to me creating this crummy series of fics. It was cathartic to write so soon after a character I'd really like died and try to tie it into that larger universe. For all of the many, many errors and flaws, this still almost feels like a magnum opus in that regard. I still miss Pip, but giving him a proper send-off left me feeling a lot better about that.

This was also the first fic where I really took advantage of the Mephesto family of characters, who I had largely avoided in previous fics since they weren't very current characters. I took very well to them and most of my efriends know now I sort of struggle _not_ to use them. It was also only my second time using Mysterion, only a few months before we'd find out his true identity. Kenny's early death was designed to setup that he could be Kenny without being definitive.

This fic is full of flaws, and I've already written half of a rewrite that's been on ice. A lot of the dialogue is clunky, or sounds as if cut from archived audio. I think today, making dialogue that read naturally is one of my more genuine skills, but that's not here. The plot is obviously super rehashy, and I've grown mostly past that, but I do fall back on it, as I've always been more of a reactionary writer, a fault I'm still working to correct.

I asked people to vote on my FFN profile for the identity of Pip's mother. Carol McCormick took an early lead, with the promise maybe I could use Pip again in future works... but Principal Victoria ended up winning.

 **Continuity/Trivia**

\- Some of the opening, like Pip's lines in " _An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig_ ", is lifted from the opening of " _Great Expectations_ ", Pip's origin novel.

\- The entire opening lead-in is basically a Continuity Cavalcade of Pip's appearances in the show. Hopefully you're not facepalming as much as I am.

Much of the fic overlaps with and takes place on the heels of " _200_ " and " _201_ " from Season 14, which had just aired a month earlier. There's dozens of references specifically to those episodes.

\- Continuity error: Pip frequently uses proper names here, like Stanley and Leopold. This is not accurate in most cases. Pip refers to Cartman as 'Cartman' and Joe as 'Joe'. I swear he's said Stanley, but mostly, he sticks to nicknames anyway.

\- The extended sequence aboard the airplane is a take-off on " _Dead Celebrities_ ", featuring celebrities who had also died around April-May 2010 and earlier, such as Corey Haim.

\- Jared Fogle and Phil Collins died in " _200_ " when the Ginger Kids' bomb went off, and Tom Cruise died in " _201_ "... of course, we've seen Jared since, in "Stunning and Brave"...

\- Estella Havisham was one of the featured characters in Season 4's " _Pip_ ", a take-off of " _Great Expectations_ " that featured either a backstory or alternate reality origin for our favorite little British kid.

\- Continuity error: ...speaking of which, his parents are given as Phillip Sr. and Georgina in that episode...

\- Turkeys and Clones are both references on Mephesto's part to season 1's " _Starvin' Marvin_ " and " _An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig_ ", of course. The latter is also where his son, Terrence, makes his sole appearance.

\- Mephesto charged three thousand dollars to test Cartman's DNA in " _Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut_ ".

\- The Diamond of Pantheos is used to activate Mecha-Streisand and her powers. It plays a huge role in "Mecha-Streisand" but is relatively minor in " _200"/"201_ ".

\- The Montage song should be familiar to anyone from " _Asspen_ " or from Matt and Trey's " _Team America: World Police_ ".

\- Yes, in dozens of episodes, there is a photograph of Principal Victoria with Rosie O'Donnell in her office.

\- Nurse Goodly appears in a few episodes working alongside Dr. Doctor, but was only prominent in " _Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut_ ". She's been retired from the show since around the fifth season.

\- Threatening to eat Grandpa? That's a weird reference to " _Scott Tenorman Must Die_ ".

\- 'Ralph' is the name I have applied for Dr. Mephesto's unseen brother who tried to shoot him (as he does "every month") in " _Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut_ ", and we discover is a Denver Broncos fan in " _201_ ".

\- Why does Ralph assume Kyle is Mysterion? The Coon trilogy hadn't aired yet, so Mysterion's real identity was unknown, but the alternate ending to " _The Coon_ " suggested Kyle had assumed the mantle, so I used that for a gag.

\- Steve Irwin and Michael Jackson, among others, returned to life for " _200"/"201_ " despite having previously died, so I tied that into the plot. :)

\- Damien swearing on his mother's life is a bit of a play on the fact we've yet to meet her.

\- Les Claypool, aka 'that guy who always sings when we get on the bus', and Darth Chef sing the song " _Mephesto and Kevin_ " from Chef Aid: the South Park Album, the origin of Dr. Arnie Abesacraben.

\- Cartman bragging about how complex and interesting he is was a bit of a nod to " _Cartoon Wars Part I_ " and he speaks similarly of himself to rib on _'Family Guy_ '.

\- 'Human DNA... pig DNA... bear DNA...' A FAQ at South Park Studios around this time suggested Mephesto had created Manbearpig in his absence. ;)

 **Pop Culture References**

\- Barbra Streisand suggests she doesn't love children by suggesting she's not Miley Cyrus - at the time this was written, Cyrus was still in her Disney phase and associated with family-friendly entertainment.

 _\- People v. Simpson_ , Crime Scene DNA is a reference to the famous O. J. Simpson murder case. Not very clever, I know.

 **Re-Release Edits**

\- Corrected spelling errors: Pip's surname, Mephesto's surname, Terrence's first name, a 'why' to a 'who' and some similar ones.

\- Retained the death of my old original character, John Vanson, over the original choice for that scene. This is his only real appearance in these fics.

\- Removed one part of the montage sequence for a joke that really went too far.

\- Changed 'Katherine' to 'Mary' for Nurse Gollum's correct first name.


	4. The Return of Towelie

**A/N:** _The April 2010 rewrite of my first fanfic ever from November 2006. Total garbage - skip this chapter._

 _No commentaries, no references - just garbage. I promised some people I'd put all this stuff back up, so here it is. Applies to future chapters. Unedited from Junior High School!_

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"The Return of Towelie"**

 _by JVM-SP150_

"Shut the hell up, fatboy!" yelled Kyle Broflovski, strands of auburn hair poking out from under a green ushanka, dark green eyes staring angrily at another boy a few feet away. He held books under his arms as he stood by his locker in the hallways of South Park Elementery School.

"Ay, don't call me fat you fucking Jew!" replied the fat, racist, foul-mouthed boy Eric Cartman just a few feet away. He was about twice as big as the other fourth graders, with brown eyes and brown hair that could look respectable if he combed it coming out from under a light blue beanie that his mom knitted for him. He took a small can out of his locker - never left home without his bear mace.

"Godammit you guys." a boy in a red poofball hat named Stan Marsh pinched the bridge of his nose as he opened his own locker in between the two. He had ice blue eyes and black hair barely peeking from under a the hat that Liane Cartman had also knitted.

"Oh, hamburgers, what was my combination?" said a scared Butters Stotch, his locker between Cartman and Stan. He had a puff of blonde hair on the top of his head with crystalline blue eyes and a naive but sweet smile. He wore a bright aqua coat that screamed, accurately, bike-curious. He opened his locker and a familar voice came,

"You wanna get high?"

"Oh no, not you again." Stan crossed his arms.

"Hey man, I'm outta slabs and money." a thin, fluffy dark blue towel stumbled out, his humanlike face smiling with bloodshot eyes, "I need more slabs man, you know where I can get- where the fuck am I?"

"Towelie, go home." said Cartman.

"No way, fatso." Towelie said.

"Okay Towelie, you want slabs, just go west. And keep going, no matter what." said Stan, moving forward. Cartman coughing,

"'til you hit the Atlantic ocean." he seemed to say.

"Atlantic? That's my favorite brand!" smiled the towel.

"Oh hamburgers guys, the bell's gonna ring soon!"

"Butters, shut the hell up." Cartman said. Kyle took Cartman aside, whispering,

"Dude, just get some grass outside and tell him it's marijuana."

"AY JEW DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! WHAT, BECAUSE I'M GINGER SUDDENLY I DON'T HAVE A SOUL?"

"Cartman, since when do you have morals?" Stan turned.

"What the hell's a Jew?" Towelie asked.

"Oh Jesus Christ." Cartman facepalmed as the bell rang.

"Oh hamburgers, we gotta get to class!" Butters said.

"Godammit Butters you were supposed to tell us when the bell was gonna ring!" Cartman yelled as the boys shuffled towards the classroom.

xXx

"All right everyone, please meet our new student Stephen McTowelie." said Herbert Garrison, a man with glasses in dark green jeans and a green shirt who seemed to be balding, as he sat at his desk.

"I'm on my last slab, man." Towelie said, dressed in a moustache.

"Does anyone have any questions for Stephen?" Garrison asked. A few kids raised their hands, "Yes Clyde?"

"I'm pretty sure that's a towel."

"No you're a towel!"

"You're just jealous because he's more attractive than you, Clyde." black-haired Wendy Testaburger cried, much to boyfriend Stan's anger.

"All right kids, settle down! Now Stephen, go sit by Tweek and Kenny." Stephen sat in an empty desk between the two boys - one a small boy with a face obscured by an orange parka aside a pair of blue eyes, and another with wild blonde hair constantly twitching.

"GAH! Hello, JESUS CHRIST!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Towelie asked.

"I-I have ADD, OH GOD." Tweek pulled some hair out.

"Mr. Tweak, is Mr. McTowelie causing you problems?"

"AUGH NO WAY SIR."

"Hey Mr. Gay, you got any slabs?"

"I'M NOT GAY! ...Anymore." Mr. Garrison said angrily.

"Yeah dude, he's straight now." Stan explained.

"Shut the fuck up, he's a fag." roared Cartman.

"Eric, if you ever say the F-word in my class again, I'll wash your mouth with soap!" Garrison threatened.

"...fuck." Garrison facepalmed, "Eric Cartman to the counseler's office."

"Don't forget to bring a towel to wipe up all the soap!"

"You go with him!"

xXx

"Now you see, violence is not the answer, m'kay? Nor is foul language or rude hand gestures. M'kay, you need to learn to manage your anger better. If you don't you could get into a lot of trouble, m'kay? And besides, I'm getting sick of seeing you in my office." said the large-headed counseler Mr. Mackey to the boy in front of him.

"Whatever." a boy in a blue aviator cap, Craig Tucker, flipped him off and ran out.

"Get back here you little son of a bitch, m'kay!" yelled Mackey as Cartman and Towelie entered, "Oh sorry... come in, m'kay." they sat. "Now, Mr. Towelie, you've left me with a terrible first impression, m'kay? And Eric, this is the 20th time this month I've had to see you, m'kay."

"Well, if you'll look at my carefully devised pie chart -mmm, pie - I mean uh, this is actually the nineteenth time this month, Mr. Mackey." Mackey nodded.

"Screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman stomped out.

"See Principal Victoria first, m'kay!" Mackey said, "Now Stephen-"

"Who the hell is Stephen? I'm Towelie, ho."

"M'kay, Towelie... I don't have a good impression of you so far."

"Leave the impersonating to me..." Towelie said, "I, uh, I can do Jay Leno. You know this? You hear about this?"

"You're gonna be a troublemaker at this school, and that's bad, m'kay."

"This is a school? I thought I saw an awful lot of pencils..."

"M'kay Towelie, I'll send you home, but I'm keeping an eye on you."

"Yeah sure, whatever."

xXx

"Dude, what the hell are we going to do?" Stan whispered to Kyle, "Towelie and Cartman've been missing for ten minutes."

"Hell if I know. You have any ideas, Kenny?" Kenny coughed loudly, "That's it!" Kyle raised his hand.

"Yes Kyle, what is it?"

"Me, Stan and Kenny aren't feeling too well."

"You boys sure you're not faking?" Garrison raised a cynical eyebrow, only for Stan to grab Wendy's hand, prompting him to vomit.

"BLUUUUCH!"

"Ew!"

"Sorry Wendy." Stan apologized.

"Stan, really now? You puke all the time." Garrison crossed his arms. Kenny then puked, some of it running down the inside and outside of his parka.

"Fine, go see Nurse Gollum, all three of you." Kyle, Kenny and Stan got up to leave, "Now class, can anyone tell me who Johnny Carson had sex with when he visited China in April 1972?" the three boys went into the hall and Kenny held his mouth.

"Dude Kenny, faking sick is a brilliant idea."

"I'm not fucking faking." Kenny said, holding in puke as dried puke covered his parka, inside and out.

"You're a great actor." Kyle said as he opened the door to Nurse Gollum's office.

"Hello boys, what's the problem?" she got up from her desk, "What's the matter?"

"Kenny's really sick and me and Kyle caught it."

"Nice try, boys. You've faked your last sickness."

"Dude, Kenny's really-" Kenny vomited.

"Dear God! Fine, I'll check you three out. It's the first time in months I've had a visit." Gollum dusted herself off, removing a cobweb complete with spider. She opened a drawer on her desk and took out three therometers and stuck them in each of the boys' mouths. "Well Mr. McCormick, you're burning. You need to go home." she waited a moment, "Broflovski, Marsh, you come out clear."

"We should escort Kenny home!" Stan volunteered.

"Fine, fine, just get the hell out of my office." she pointed to the doorway. Stan and Kyle left with Kenny, quickly turned out the doors.

"We got out of the school! No more school today, we got out of school!" the boys sang until suddenly they heard a familiar voice.

"I'm not fat, I'm big boned!"

"No you're just a fat kid. Hey everyone look at the stupid fat kid!" Towelie said.

Jimbo stopped by in his car and pointed, "Hey it's a stupid fat kid!"

"AY! At least I'm not a goddamn towel!"

"No you're a towel!" Towelie replied as Jimbo drove off.

"Hey Cartman." said Stan as he and Kenny approached.

"Tell this walking piece of shit he's a towel!" Cartman yelled.

"No you're a towel"

"Towelie," Stan nosebridgepinched, "You're a towel."

"No you're a towel!"

"Oh Jesus Christ." Kyle nosebridgepinched himself.

"Yes?" Jesus walked out.

"Oh sorry dude, don't need you."

"...oh, sorry." Jesus left.

"Godammit, how the hell are we gonna get rid of you Towelie?" Cartman questioned.

"Leave that to me." came a voice. They turned to see a blanket - but it was no ordinary blanket. It was fluffy and red, with a humanlike face and limbs, not too different from Towelie, but more muscular.

"Blankie, my arch-nemesis!" Towelie exclaimed.

"Godammit why does this shit always happen to us?" Stan cried.

"Blankie, you shouldn't have come you alcoholic!" Towelie accused.

"I'm not alcoholic... I just really like beer." Blankie cried.

"That's my dad's line!" Stan said.

"I just want my slabs..." Towelie sighed.

"Stupid towel..." Blankie muttered.

"No you're a towel!" Towelie cried. Kyle nosebridgepinched.

"Dammit man, I'm a blanket not a towel!" Blankie said.

"Just get out of here, Blankie!" Stan said.

"Not yet, you want some slabs Towelie? Follow me." Blankie lead him to a house.

"Finally, some slaaabs..." Towelie said as he was led in by Blankie.

"We better go with them." Stan sighed as they followed, and walked in to see Towelie with a bong,

"This stuff isn't working."

"Oh, it's working, let it do it's magic." Blankie smirked, sipping from a beer bottle.

"Hey, I don't feel so goo-" Towelie fell back, much to Blankie's smirk.

"Dude, not cool!" Stan said, grabbing Blankie.

"Yeah, you can't kill Towelie just cause he's annoying!"

"He's not dead, he's knocked out."

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters walked in his front door, "What the heck's goin' on in here, f ellas?"

"For the love of Christ..." Cartman facepalmed, "Towelie, let's get the hell out of here and leave Blankie with Butters."

"Blankie?" Butters asked.

"Butters, keep the blanket. After all you dumped this fucking towel on us." Cartman pointed out as the boys left, picking Towelie up. "Towelie, you okay?"

"I see a bong!" Towelie jumped out his hands, went under the Stotchs' couch and took out a large bong and got high. "Oh yeah, that's the stuff."

"Oh jeez!" Butters exclaimed, "You can't take that, that's my dad's bong!"

"Not anymore." Towelie said as he took a toke.

Blankie came back, sipping his beer, "You're tough, kid." he told Towelie, "But not tough enough." he said, pinning Towelie down, the bong falling just out of reach.

"Towelie, get him in the eyes!" Stan yelled.

"No, lemme get a little high, then I can fight better." Towelie reached for the bong.

"Not this time!" Blankie grabbed Towelie and tossed him into the wall.

"Guys, my parents'll be home soon..." Butters muttered.

"We don't care, Puff-puff." Cartman said as Towelie got up and jumped for his bong. Blankie grabbed it and ran out the doggie door, Towelie following.

"Godammit." Stan opened the door and ran out with Cartman and Kenny. Kyle put a comforting hand on Butters' shoulder,

"Dude, I am really sorry about this." Kyle said caringly, before running out with them. Blankie gave Towelie a swift oppercut but Towelie blocked it and kicked him.

"All right, that's enough." Cartman took out his bear mace and hit Blankie with it.

"Gah! I'll be back!" Blankie said, running off.

"Thank God we got rid of him." Kyle smiled.

"So man, where you gonna get me some slabs?" Towelie asked Stan and Kyle.

"I know where there's a lot of slabs." Kenny said

"Really Kenny?" Kyle facepalmed

"Why didn't you say so?" Towelie smirked. Kenny began leading them to his house.

"In the Ghetto, on a cold and gray Chicago morn' another little baby child is born... in the ghetto... in the ghettooo." sang Cartman as they crossed the train tracks.

"Shut up fatass!" Kenny said

"And his momma cried - cause if there's one thing that she don't need... is another little hungry mouth to feed... in the ghetto... in the ghettoooo..." Cartman continued as they passed the Warner household.

"Shut up fatass!" Kyle and Kenny said at once.

"People don't you understand, the child needs a helping hand, or he'll grow to be an angry young man some day... in the ghetto... in the ghettoooo."

"Shut up fatass!" all three boys yelled.

"You're not even gettin' the lyrics right, it goes like this..." Towelie said, clearing his throat as they stopped in front of the McCormick household, "As the snow flies... on a cold and gray Chicago mornin', a poor little baby child is born, in the ghetto, and his mama cries, cause if there's one thing she don't need, it's another hungry mouth to feed, in the ghetto... people, don't you understand, the child needs a helping hand, or he'll grow to be an angry young man some day, take a look at you and me, are we too blind to see, do we simply turn our heads, and look the other way?"

"That was beautiful, Towelie." Kyle said.

"Are we in funky town yet?" the towel asked.

"Uhh... no." Stan said.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we-"

"Goddamit Towelie, we aren't going to Funky Town!" Kyle said. Kenny went up to his door of a damp house that looked like it was built by teenagers with too much time on their hands with lots of windows, one with a bullethole. A rickety, undrivable old car was inf ront of it. Kenny knocked,

"Don't talk too much you guys." he said as a small peephole opened akin to the one at Dr. Alphonse Mephisto's lair,

"Name?" came the voice of what sounded like an old woman, emerald green eyes all that is visible

"Kenny J. McCormick"

"Age?"

"Nine years."

"Code?"

"Dolphin." the door opened and an attractive woman in her twenties with flowing red hair resting on her shoulders or going down to her lower back with a lime green T-shirt labelled 'I'm With Stupid' and jeans - this was Carol McCormick. She brought them past filth, sludge, and dirt-covered walls with blood and beer in the carpetting, and a tattered couch. A glass table without glass made another highlight. Urine stains by the table. Kenny's room's locked door.

The woman led them through a small door to a tiny basement the size of a bedroom - it was a drug laboratory. Stuart McCormick was by one table full of methamphetamine, and at another his son Kevin was managing bags of cocaine. Next to him, his younger sister Karen, only a second grader, was carefully watching over a marijuana supply.

"Here we are, kids." she said, handing Towelie a pipe.

"Mmm, thanks bitch." Towelie quickly got high. "Mmmm, good quality stuff right here."

"Hey, you gotta pay for that!" Carol said angrily.

"Up your's, psycho." Towelie ran off.

"Mom, he's getting away!" Kevin cried as the family chased him, before tackling him.

"Get off me you assholes." Towelie used his towel-like form to slide away.

"It's your fault he's gettin' away, Stu!" Carol said angrily.

"Shut up you stupid bitch!" Stuart slapped her. Kevin hopped on Kenny and went to grab Towelie, failing. Kenny lost his vision and began tumbling towards one of the tables, freeing Kevin just in time to land face first in a pile of crack cocaine. Kevin bonked his head on the desk.

"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed.

"You bastards!' Kyle yelled. He then followed Cartman, Stan and Towelie out. Kevin was only six, and remarkably slow.

"Get back here..." she stopped, trying to catch her breath, "stupid little... goddamn..." she collapsed forward, "dickholes..." The boys quickly ran, reaching Cartman's home.

"Oh hello Eric... you've brought some little friends today!" said the lovely Ms. Cartman, in a blue shirt and red pants that hugged the famous curves of her body.

"Yea mam, we have this hippie towel with us though."

"Just don't be late for dinner, poopiekins!" she went to the kitchen as the boys closed the door and sat on the couch when Mr. Kitty appeared.

"No Kitteh." Cartman said.

"Meow."

"No Kitteh!"

"Meow!"

"No Kitteh, these are Towelie's slabs!"

"Get off the cat, fatso! I'll deal with him myself." Towelie said.

"Dude isn't Mr. Kitty a girl? I mean Shelly told me she was in heat once." Stan said.

"No, he spit that stuff out of his ass, remember?" Kyle pointed out. Towelie ran over and punched Kitty, who slashed back.

"Godammit Towelie, you're gonna kill meh cat!"

"No, I'm just wrasslin' him." Towelie said, when suddenly Mr. Kitty shoots concentrated piss out, landing write at Towelie. "Woah, man, this shit ain't funny..."

xXx

Towelie found himself in space in a Firebird with rocket boosters. "What the hell?" he said as he noticed the planets around him resembled breasts. "I'm in tit space?" he said, "I'm gonna land her... fuck, can I drive? I'm probably too high..." he crashed on to a desert planet, shifting gears. He didn't drive for long until a tall woman with very large breasts in a cowboy hat and skimpy outfit appeared, smiling suggestively. "Is there a problem officer?" The woman just took his spot. "Oh crap, I'm going to jail for getting high and driving again aren't I?" she stopped at an enormous palace that looked as if made of breats iself, leading him in. Towelie looked around, when they reached the throne of a powerful man.

"So what do you think of my daughter's awesome rockin' tits?"

"I am so high right now... I have no idea what's going on..."

"Wait, you're that... towel. The orange kid mentioned you."

"No, you're a towel!"

"No, you're a towel!" the father replied.

"No you're a towel-"

"No you're a toooo-" Towelie's eyes opened as he looked up at Kyle Broflovski.

"Towelie dude, wake up!"

"I just had the weirdest dream. I should get high to celebrate." Towelie got up and began getting high again.

"Okay Towelie, we agreed to get you your weed, but we never said we'd let you come here and start smoking them." Stan and Kyle got down.

"I am so high right now... I have no idea what's goin' on..."

"Oh godammit, Towelie you have to LEAVE!" Cartman said, putting down his bag of cheesy poofs and stepping down off the couch.

"Hmm..." Kyle grabbed Towelie's slabs and laid them like a path out the door, one at a time, Towelie following to pick them up.

"Not cool man, not cool!" Towelie said, just as Kyle shut the door in his face.

"I'm sure glad that's over with." Cartman said.

"Eric, Mr. McCormick is on the phone, he says you owe him some money." Ms. Cartman poked her head out from the kitchen.

"Whatever, meem."

 **The End**


	5. I Love You Forever

**A/N:** _I barely remember this one. The 2008 version was about getting Stan and Wendy back together when they were broken up in canon. The 2010 version was about not sucking so hard. I guess I failed, 'cause it still sucks._

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"I Love You Forever"**

 _by JVM-SP150_

Butters Stotch was at his locker, checking down to see if she was nearby. He had planned it all out. He'd ask her to dinner and a movie. His mom gave him a whole bunch of ideas last night and they talked about it before his dear old dad got home - oh hamburgers! He pretended to be in his lockers, looking at his pretty little drawings taped up and taking out a book when he saw her down. He closed his locker and went over to the frizzy-haired blonde in the red jacket, "Hey Bebe!"

"Oh hey Butters, what's up?" she said. Bebe was a little busy getting her books, but put them in her bag and stopped. Butters turned red and pounded his fists nervously.

"W-w-well Bebe, I was just, uh, hopin' you'd like to go out for uh dinner and a movie tonight maybe? J-just us."

"Ech!" Bebe cringed a bit - Butters was nice but it was fairly well-known she had her eyes on a different boy, "I'm sorry, Butters I'm kinda busy tonight! Maybe some other time?" she said with a smile.

"Oh, uh, sure, that's f-fine then. Thanks Bebe."

"Bye." Bebe turned and left for the girls' bathroom. Butters sat down and sighed looking over to see his dear old friend Stan Marsh with his girlfriend Wendy Testaburger. Awh, they were always so happy together... Butters sighed - why did he never get a girlfriend? He never got to be happy. He was always just getting into trouble... it wasn't fair! He wondered what Stan and Wendy were talking about...

"I'm so sick of this, Stan." Wendy said angrily, rubbing her shirt, "You need to learn to control yourself! I'm sick of buying new jackets!"

"Wendy, I'm sorry, it's just I get so nervous around you and I lose control..." Stan said quietly, wiping the puke off his mouth and on to his sleeve while his girlfriend tried to get the puke off her face and jacket.

"Well, it's got to stop Stan. I love you but I can't take much more of this. Normal relationships don't involve puke, Stan!" Wendy said, crossing her arms.

"Wendy, I promise it will never happen again! I don't want to lose you!" Stan said sadly.

"Oh, it better not happen. Look, I'm hanging out with Annie after school. Talk to you later, okay?" Wendy said, giving Stan a little kiss on the cheek and walking off. Stan's cheeks expand with puke and he forces it down. Kyle Broflovski walked up to his super best friend,

"What happened with her, dude?"

"Kyle, I must never eat ever again."

"What!? Stan, that's crazy!" Kyle said.

"I love her, dude."

"If you try to stop eating, you'll starve to death."

"No I won't. I'll eat every couple days or something."

"You know that won't really help."

"I'm not going to sit here and watch you kill yourself, Stan, you're my best friend! You're acting like Kenny for Christ's sake!"

"Kyle, I love Wendy, I really LOVE her."

"You... you just can't understand that because you don't like girls!" Stan blurted, running off.

"Heheh, he's gay." chuckled Bill as he walked by.

"Yeah, he's gay!" Fosse added. "Huhuhuhuh!"

"Um, hello?" Kyle knocked at the door of Stan's house, for it to be answered by his mother, Sharon.

"Oh hello Kyle! Stan's not home right now."

"Hi Mrs. Marsh." Kyle said, noting how useful his self-control is - most kids would probably forget why they came over and drooled at Sharon's chest, but Kyle Broflovski was not sidetracked, "I was hoping I could speak with you and Mr. Marsh about... well, about Stan."

"Oh! Is something wrong?" Sharon asked her son's friend.

"Yeah. Is Mr. Marsh around?"

"Yeah. Randy!" Sharon called, closing the door as she lead Kyle inside to the kitchen. "Do you want a snack?"

"Uhhh, sure, yeah. I'll get it." Kyle said, quickly going to the refrigerator and seeing it filled with a lot of fruits, vegetables and dairy products. He took an apple and cut it into slices and put it in a small bowl and sat at the table with Stan's parents and grandfather.

"So what's wrong with Billy?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, you know Wendy, right?"

"Oh yeah, Stan's little girlfriend." Sharon smiled, "She's such a sweet girl."

"I'm worried about him. You see, every time he sees Wendy, he pukes." Kyle said, hoping they'd get the message from there.

"So?" Randy said. "I don't understand. What's the problem?"

"That isn't normal, Mr. Marsh." Kyle said.

"It's perfectly natural for a nervous young man to puke on a girl. I mean, I did it to my girlfriend as a kid." Randy noted.

Randy Marsh was walking out of the mens' locker room - aside longer black hair and a less tired face, Randy doesn't look much different than usual. He's walking out when he runs into a girl his age with flowing light brown hair, an exceptionally curved body with an ample chest and wearing a cheerleading outfit, "Hey, you're Randy, right? The new quarterback?" she said. Randy smiled, his eyes half-lidded as he chuckled.

"Uh, yeah, my name's Randy... you're uhh... ohhh... the head cheerleader?"

"Yeah, my name's Sharon Kimble. I don't believe we've met." she moved a bit forward putting out a hand to shake.

"N-no we haven't." Randy scratched the back of his neck as he put a hand forward to hers.

"So I was thinking-" BLAUGH! Sharon's eyes widened, "Ew! Sick, all over my GOOD cheerleading outfit, too!" she ran off, "Help!"

"So how did you get past it?" Kyle asked.

"What? Oh I dunno we kinda got used to it and then it just faded away..."

"Yeah, I think it stopped... just after we got married... Shelly was just born then, right?" Sharon noted

"This is a load of crap! What's this got to do with Billy?" Grampa said.

"Stan's been puking on Wendy for weeks and he's going to endanger his health!" Kyle said assertively.

"I don't know, I puked on Sharon for years and nothing terrible happened to me... well okay, a little indigesstion but nothing lasting-"

"No, he said he'd stop eating for good!" Kyle said

"What?" Sharon said.

"When I was overseas we got no damn food! That kid needs to learn to appreciate the finer things!" Grampa said.

Butters ran in his house smiling, "Oh Butters, your friend Dougie called, said something about hanging out today?" his mother Linda called from the kitchen.

"Yeah, Dougie's coming over mom, you don't mind do you?"

"Of course not, just play nicely Butters."

"O-okay mom." Butters ran up to his closet and pulled out his suit, quickly putting it on, "Haha, I am Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and doom!" he laughed as he grabbed his hamster tank and went out front, waiting for General Disarray.

"Hey Professor Chaos." Disarray arrived with a wave, "What's the mission today?"

"Today we're spying on Stan."

"What, why?"

"Because, uh, I heard Stan's uh, going to tell everyone my identity."

"What? He can't do that!" Disarray said in disbelief.

"So uh, let's go spy on him. I think he's over by Stark's Pond." Chaos said. Chaos and Disarray nodded and went to Stark's Pond ducking in the first bush they saw, watching Stan and Wendy over.

"Stan, what's wrong? Annie said it was urgent." Wendy said, arms crossed at her boyfriend.

"I can do it now." Stan claimed.

"...are you sure?" she asked.

"Well I'm not sure about now now, but real soon."

"You're not sure? Stan, Annie said you wanted me urgently. There better be *something* wrong!" Wendy said, a bit angry her boyfriend had interrupted her for nothing. Stan's blue eyes looked into her's and he leaned in. Wendy blushed and leaned in. She curled her lips for a kiss. Stan did the same...

BLEEEUUUCH!

"Ew!" Wendy wiped it off, "I knew it!"

"No Wendy, that should be the last of it, I swear!" Stan called as Wendy ran off, sighing.

"That does it, Stan. This is your last chance!" she turned back to say as she turned from Stark's.

"WAIT!" Stan said, "Meet me at the movie theater in one hour!"

"Fine!" Wendy said, leaving, going to change her clothes again at her house. Stan sighed, putting his hands in his pockets and leaving.

"You hear that General Disarray? We can make Stan miserable a-aa-a-at the movie theater tonight. We can make Wendy hate him and then my plan shall be complete."

"What's Wendy got to do with this?" General Disarray asked.

"All will be clear soon, General D-D-Disarray." Professor Chaos shuffled off.

The Testaburger parents were sitting on their couch eating popcorn and watching television when there was a knock at the door, "Samantha, could you get it?" asked the man, with red hair and a mustache in a dark blue shirt. His wife, a woman with dark hair in a suit, walked and answered.

"Randy, Sharon, what brings you here?" said Samantha.

"Oh hello Samantha. Look, where's your daughter?" Randy asked.

"Oh Wendy? She just left to meet your son at the movie theater." Samantha said.

"Oh crap!" Randy ran off, Marvin following with Kyle.

"Sorry Samantha, but Stan's trying to stop eating so he can kiss Wendy." Sharon explained before running after them.

"...those damn Marshes. Always getting into trouble." Samantha rolled her eyes and close the door.

"Two tickets for _Je Taime_ , please" Stan asked the bijou clerk, holding Wendy's hand tightly.

"All right. Enjoy the show." he gave Stan the ticket.

"Stan, how'd you know I wanted to see the movie?" Wendy smiled a bit.

"It's a romance movie. Girls like that stuff, right?" Wendy rolled her eyes. "I'll get popcorn." Stan said, going to the snack stand. Wendy shrugged and went to the bathroom. Professor Chaos gave General- just Dougie right now, a thumbs up, and Dougie approached Stan.

"Hey Stan, what's up?"

"Oh hey Dougie, I'm just going to see that dumb chick flick _Je Taime_ with Wendy."

"Oh, the one in Theater 14?"

"I thought it was in Theater 8."

"No, they moved it to Theater 14." Dougie insisted.

"Oh, okay." Stan nodded as he got his popcorn. Wendy came out,

"Oh hey Dougie. C'mon Stan, the movie starts soon." she said, Stan leading her to the fourteenth theater. The guard didn't pay much attention to their tickets as he took them and they sat, "I hear this movie's real romantic." she smiled.

"Yeah, me too." Stan said, faking enthusiasm.

"South Park Theaters proudly presents... a ROB SCHNEIDER production..."

"What!?" Wendy's eyes widened.

"...of THE STAPLER!"

"Stan, I thought you were taking me to see _Je Taime_!"

"I thought I was!" Chaos and Disarray chuckled as the couple argued. Stan couldn't believe Wendy refusesd to understood he'd given an honest effort, but Wendy as fed up with Stan acting like he didn't care. Chaos was basking in the glory of a successful plot. Towelie was so high he had no idea what was goin' on.

"Kids, kids, some of us are trying to watch the movie." Towelie said.

"You're the only other person here, Towelie." Stan said.

"Oh, that's right, I am... wait, the fat kid was here."

"Hey Towelie, I got the- aw, son of a bitch, Stan what the hell are you and your fuckin' ho doing here?"

"I don't know! They told me they switched theaters so _Je Taime_ was playing here."

"What? Mom took me to that movie, it's goddamn faggy." Cartman crossed his pudgy arms, "Besides, the chick dies at the end." Wendy's jaw dropped.

"Fuck you, Cartman." Stan said. Wendy took a piece of popcorn - and spit it out. "What's wrong now?"

"Ew! What is wrong with this butter?" Wendy said.

"Let me see..." Cartman took a piece and ate it, "Oh, it tastes like someone jacked off in it."

"...Cartman, how would you know what semen tastes like?" Stan crossed his arms.

"You put semen in their popcorn?" General Disarray whispered.

"I dunno General Disarray, I-I thought it was poison, honest, my dad told me it was and that's why I shouldn't drink from his special water bottle."

"...oh my God, Butters, that's disgusting."

"Butters isn't here, General Disarray."

"Butters?" Cartman rose up, "Butters, I didn't even notice you here! You like Rob Schneider movies? Pfff, you suck so hard!"

"I'm not Butters... I-I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of destruction and doom!"

"No you aren't, you're Leopold Stotch, bringer of lameness and dorkyness." Cartman replied.

"Stan, I love you, but I'm starting to really wonder if you love me back." she crossed her arms, "You never seem to be willing to spend time with me anymore and you always puke on me and you don't even know what movies I like or anything."

"I do, too! Wendy, you don't get it, please, I've been trying to be a good boyfriend to you but I've just messed up a lot - if you really love me, you won't care if I mess up - what matters is we're together." Stan said sadly.

"Yeah, Stan's right kids, both sides of a relationship need to make sacrifices for each other to work out. Like me and Marijuana - I take time out of my day to spend time with marijuana, and marijuana goes out of her way to make me happy."

"Shut up Towelie..." Stan said.

"I'm sorry Stan, I've been selfish."

"No, I have." Stan insisted.

"Stan, I'm sorry. You deserve another chance." Wendy smiled looking into his eyes. Stan looked back, smiling and leaning in. Wendy walked closer, leaning in as romantic music slowly came into their heads... their lips moved closer...

"Stan, don't do it!" Kyle and the Marsh family arrived panting, "You need to eat dude!"

"It's only been like six hours, Jesus!" Stan said.

"You haven't been eating?" Wendy's eyes widened.

"Yeah, I was thinking if I didn't eat for a while I wouldn't puke on you anymore and we could finally kiss."

"Stan... that's the nicest thing you've ever done for me but... you shouldn't hurt yourself just for me. God, I really have been selfish. Stan, I love you, if I'd have known..." she kissed Stan, who's eyes widened before he kissed back.

"Awwwwwwwh." Sharon and Kyle said.

"Dammit Billy, when am I gonna get some great-grandchildren?" Marvin asked.

"Grampa, we're nine." Stan protested.

"Still?"

"You know what, I learned something today, General Disarray." Professor Chaos said.

"What?"

"Girls suck. I can't even get a girlfriend! Even boring old Stan has one!" he cursed.

"Butters, this was about girls the whole time?" General Disarray said, pulling off his Disarray clothes, becoming Dougie again, "Why didn't you tell me? I could set you up with someone." Dougie offered.

"What?" Chaos said.

"Yeah, my sister's in the fifth grade, she can probably convince some girl to date you." Dougie shrugged.

"Awesome! But Operation Break Up Stan and Wendy failed..."

"You were behind this Butters!?" Stan said.

"Uh-oh.. n-no, the handsome and kind Butters had nothing to do with this. It was all me, Professor Chaos."

"Butters, cut the crap, we don't care if you're gay." Stan said.

"You don't?"

"No!"

"Oh that's good... wait a minute though, I'm not gay, Stan.'

"Then why are you wearing a gay ass tin foil suit?"

"Oh... right." Butters said.

"Anyway Stan, you and me have to get home." Wendy smiled.

"Why?"

"So we can cuddle and watch President Obama address the nation." Wendy smiled, dragging her boyfriend off.

"...well Kyle, you sure made a big deal out of anything." Randy crossed his arms, leaving.

"God Kyle, why did we ever listen to you!" Sharon walked out angrily.

Marvin moved by Kyle, struggling to say something, until a few moments later, "Fuck it, I can't spit anymore. You suck." he left.

"...son of a bitch!" Kyle cursed.

 **The End**


	6. The Man Behind The Mask

**A/N:** _I hate this one most of all of these - no, I'm not even kidding, even in a good mood, this is one I've tried hardest to hide... but I promised to bring it back... so..._

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ I don't own _South Park, Friday the 13th_ , Jason Voorhees, or any other copyrighted properties mentioned, they belong to their respective owners - Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Paramount Pictures and New Line Cinema in this case.

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"The Man Behind The Mask"**

 _by JVM-SP150_

"Jimbo, are you sure can watch the kids the whole weekend?" Sharon Marsh said, on the phone with her brother in law, an arm arm crossed over her chest with a skeptical look on her face. Sometimes she wondered why she even bothered asking if things would be okay - this was South Park. She knew everything that could go wrong, inevitably would. She was in her usual dress, a brown one with a fuzzy red trim similar to her usual shirt, along with a necklace and earrings. Her husband was next to her with a light blue suit and his black hair combed.

"Oh, it'll be fine, I'm just taking them to the old summer camp I went to as a kid, it's up in Conneticut. It was a world class, I tell you what." Jimbo said, "Besides, dad's coming with us."

"Howard, Cheryl, tie this rope up so I can finally die!" they heard Grampa's voice over the phone.

"Conneticut? You can't bring Kyle there." Sharon said, remembering the horrors she'd witnessed months before.

"Yeah, if that kid gets within one state of Jersey, he'll go crazy." explained Jimbo's brother Randy, who had his hairy arms crossed as well. The ignoramus was surprisingly serious for once.

"Aw, poor kid... so just me, the nephews, the girl and the fat kid right?" Jimbo asked.

"Ohhh... what about the boys' little friend Butters?" Sharon suggested, "I mean, he always seems to tag along them these days. Of course Stephen and Linda aren't exactly happy about him getting into trouble so often..."

"I guess he can come along instead of Kyle. Call Stephen and Linda and ask if Butters can come. You kids enjoy yourselves, all right?" Jimbo laughed, hanging up. He headed to the car, Stan, Cartman, Kyle, Wendy and Kenny following with sleeping bags.

"Oh, uh, sorry Kyle, you can't come with."

"What? Dude, I've been looking forward to this trip for weeks!" Kyle protested sadly, his leaf eyes widening with sadness.

"Aw, Uncle Jimbo, not cool." Stan said.

"Stan, your uncle is way cooler now. I didn't know he hated Jews!" Cartman smiled.

"...dude, fuck you Cartman."

"Wait, wait, why can't I come?" Kyle asked.

"'cuz you're Jewish." Cartman said.

"Dude, FUCK YOU." Stan said again.

"Now Stanley, watch your language until we're out in the woods where nobody can hear you, okay? And Kyle can't come because we're going to be very close to the state of New Jersey and-" Kyle hopped out of the car and ran into the Marsh household, past Randy who was coming out with Grampa in his wheelchair.

"Watch it, Bobby!"

"But dude, Kyle will be fine. We've been to New York before, that time with John Edward and the aliens-"

"Quit rehashing old stuff to save your boyfriend, Stan!"

"Boyfriend?" Wendy glared at Cartman, "My Stannie is straight and don't you forget it, fatass!"

"Uncle Jimbo, can we drop Cartman off in Chicago?" Stan asked.

"Why?"

"Dude, nobody gives a shit about Chicago." Kenny said as the two seats behind the three were quickly occupied by Marvin Marsh, Shelly, and Butters, who was smiling wide.

"Oh boy, I'm so excited for summer camp, fellas!" Butters said.

"You got the map, Ned?"

"Mm, have it ready." Ned explained.

"Good, let's go!" Jimbo waved as the car began driving off.

"Uncle Jimbo, are going to be hunting?" Stan asked.

"Nope, just spending a weekend in a few cabins at old Camp Forest Green." Jimbo smiled.

"Aw, dude that sounds gay!"

"AY, DON'T MAKE FUN OF GAY PEOPLE!" Cartman cried, everyone staring, "What?"

xXx

Kyle, on the other hand, was asleep when his phone rang. He got up and sleepily answered, "Hello?"

"AUGH! KYLE?"

"Tweek, what the hell, do you have any idea what time it is!?"

"ACK! KYLE I NEED TO TALK TO YOU IT'S SUPER IMPORTANT ANDSHITANDOHGOD MYHAIRISCOMINGOUTAGAINITSHOULDN'TDOTHATANDHOLYCRAP!"

"Dude, what the hell?"

"So me and Clyde were - ERK - up all night playing Spore, right AUGH!? And then we were looking up the cheats and it turns out the camp you're going to is-!"

"I'm not going to camp, dude, it's all up in Conneticut, it's too close to Jersey. Besides, the guys already left."

"What? B-but it's cursed!"

"Cursed, huh?"

"ACK TELL HIM CRAIG." Clyde's voice came on the line,

"Ever since 1958, Camp-"

"Dude relax, nothing bad is gonna happen... It's just a stupid vacation!" Kyle cried.

"But Ky-" Dialtone.

xXx

"Ay Kenny, don't eat all the potato chips!"

"I'm not, me and Butters are sharing!'

"Ay, why didn't you invite your hippie girlfriend? Stan invited his hippie!"

"Kelly's going to be there anyway, her choir is performing."

"Don't call Wendy a hippie, Cartman!" Stan hugged his girlfriend.

"I l-"

"BLEEEEEEEEEECH!"

"Ew."

"Sorry Wendy."

"MOOOM! Shtan'sh throwing up in the car!" Shelly whined.

"Stan, don't throw up in the car!"

"Damn your sister is a smart bitch!" Cartman cried.

"Shut up Cartman!" Stan cried.

"You shut up!"

"No, You shut up!" Cartman yelled.

"You shut up!"

"You tell him, Stan!" Wendy said.

"BLEEEEEECH!"

"Ew."

"Sorry Wendy."

"You shut up." Cartman cried.

"No, you."

"You"

"No, you."

"You"

"No, you."

"You"

"No, you."

"You"

"No, you."

"You"

"THE MALE ECHIDNA HAS A FOUR-HEADED PENIS!" Everyone looked at Kenny. "What? I don't like pointless arguements."

Suddenly the car came to a halt. "Mmm are we at camp already?" Ned inquired.

"Uh, yes, I'd like to order a double cheeseburger with-"

"Uncle Jimbo!" Stan cried.

"We're getting to you, Stan!"

"Hey I'm starving too!" Cartman cried.

"Nobody cares, Alfred!" Grampa said.

"My name's Cartman!"

xXx

Kyle was in the front room doing homework on the couch, racking his brain to find out how two plus X equalled five divided by four Y. He hated homework, but he knew he had to study if he planned to beat all six tests on Friday. Garrison could be a huge dick when it was the end of the quarter. At his foot, his genuis little brother Ike had his homework done for the month and was enjoying the South Park News, as hosted by Tom Pusslicker.

"In other news, Camp Forest Green, also known as Camp Crystal Lake is reopening after been closed down for over a decade. Dubbed Camp Blood by the locals, folks near and far are again remembering the terrifying legend that took place there once, a mother and son murder team who have operated there for years, killing hundreds and resisting arrest despite being in a relatively small enviorment. It remains to be seen, but I think anyone who even thinks of venturing into their turf is asking for it and if you plan on visting, whatever you do, don't make out there!"

"...didn't Sharon say your friends were going to Camp Forest Green?" Kyle's mother Sheila Broflovski said as she passed through the room with laundry, reading her son's thoughts.

"I'm sure it's a different Camp Forest Green." Kyle said, "I mean, this is the South Park News. Why would they be talking about a camp all up in Conneticut?"

"Oh, good point." Sheila said, going off to Kyle's room, "Why don't you try calling your little friend Stan and making sure everything's okay later, bubbe?" she called from the room.

"Okay, mom." Kyle said, returning to his homework, "I'll do it after dinner."

"Ring around the rosie!" Ike said loudly.

"All right Ike, you can watch CNN, but if I hear them say a naughty word again, you're losing cable privileges for today, you understand? That Anderson Cooper sure uses a lot of filthy words..."

"Mom, he was listing terms used to bully those gay kids who killed themselves."

"Oh, all right... supper'll be ready in five minutes." Sheila re-entered the room then went to the kitchen. There was a pause, "What what what? Killed themselves?"

"Aw, godammit."

xXx

"All right everyone, welcome to Camp Forest Green! Now, the choir'll be here tomorrow afternoon or so - until then just stick around the campsite or the campfire or something... uh, and everyone pick a cabin buddy." Jimbo said.

"Looks like I'm stuck with you." Cartman offered his hand to Shelly.

"Ugh, fine." she grabbed his hand reluctantly.

"Dad, you'll have to sleep alone." Jimbo replied.

"Goshdarnit, I always have to sleep alone, Ryan!"

"Now, the choir'll be here in an hour so until then we just have to stay around the campsite. Sit around the campfire or something, kids."

And they did so. The kids lined up around the campfire as it got dark and Marvin Marsh wheeled his wheelchair up, "So any of you kids wanna hear about the cuuurse of Camp Crystal Lake?"

"Sure, why not?" Stan shrugged.

"Decades ago, before any of you were even born - or Howard, for that matter - there was a camp here, see? It was called Camp Crystal Lake. And there were a bunch of counselers and a cook named Pamela Voorhees. Pamela's son was disfigured or retarded or something... hell, if I know, it's been over fifty years... anyway, Pamela's son Jason couldn't swim. But cause he was ugly or whatever, kids teased him, and so one day to prove em wrong, he went for a swim. And guess what happened?"

"He proved them all wrong?" Stan asked.

"He died?" Cartman asked.

"Did his mom have big tits?" Kenny asked.

"No, Yes, and no clue, George. I think someone told me once she looked like Betsy Palmer... anyway, so the son drowned to death because the counselers that were supposed to be watching him were getting it on. Then, a year later, those same two counselers were found bloody and dead."

"Did his mom do it?" Stan asked.

"I'M GETTING THERE, BILLY!" Grampa huffed, "So they tried to reopen the camp a couple times - poisoned water and shit happened. It wasn't until Nineteen Seventy-Nine the camp reopened for real... and all of the counselers were murdered, slowly, by a psycho killer with a machete! Ah, if only a psycho killer'd get me... the last one was named Alice and she found the psycho killer - it was that retarded kid's mom! She chopped the bitch's head off!"

"Wow. That story sucked." Cartman said.

"There's more! Five years later, they reopened it again and people started dying - again! Fucking idiots... this time it was the chick's son, who-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, didn't he die?" Butters said.

"Yeah, you can't just die and come back from the dead! That's impossible!" Kenny said.

"See, turns out, he was living in the woods the whole time in a shack, heh, he was alive." Grampa exclaimed, "So anyway, Jason killed em with a sack on his head-" Grampa ignored the laughter, "And then left the camp and went to a resort, killed all of them and got a hockey mask out of it, and got hit in the head with an axe. After that he was taken to the morgue and escaped. And guess what? He got out again! Until some kid chopped his face up with a machete..."

"I do not wanna meet the guy who does this stuff." Cartman said

"You wanna know what happened next?" Grampa asked.

"Aw, come on, there's More?" Stan whined.

"So some dude named Roy's son got killed at a halfway house and he killed a bunch of them, and then Jason came back, but it was Roy. Then the kid who chopped Jason's face up felt like chopping him up again, but lightening brought Jason back-"

"Aw, come on, this guy dies and comes back all the time! I mean, what the fuck?" Kenny pouted, "It makes no sense at all! Is he even human?"

"And then... well after that he comes back like, two more times and basically just kills people... finds a telekenetic girl, too... and then he goes to New York City... and then he gets blown up in an FBI sting and possesses people like a demon. That was fucking bizzare... and last time he was seen was here about eight years ago fighting a pedophile." The kids were speechless.

"This sounds like a really crappy movie series." Cartman said.

The group walked back to thier cabins as Stan held Wendy's hand, whispering "You don't really think that's all true do you?"

"Stan, your grandpa can't even keep everyone's names straight, it's just silly campfire tales, nothing to worry about."

"Yeah I'm sure that story is nothing but a load of bullshit..."Cartman grumbled as he walks to his cabin. The cabins were old and rather empty.

They arrived at their cabin and opened the door as Wendy sat back down. "This is pretty nice out here in the forest, so beautiful and peaceful. It's awesome they aren't seperating the sleeping arrangements by gender, come on and get some sleep Stan, we have a long day tomorrow." she smiled.

Wendy patted the sleeping bag next to her, but then hesitated, placing a bucket next to Stan's sleeping bag. "Just to be prepared." she explained.

In the next cabin over, Shelly was laying down groud rules with her bunkmate. "Listen stupid turd, I have no clue why they're making me sleep in the same cabin as you but no talking, no snoring and stay on your side or you'll be in a world of hurt, you got me?"

"You can't tell me what to do bitch!" Cartman replied.

In the next cabin from there...

"How the fuck did I get stuck with you?" Kenny asked Butters "I'm the only one not laying next to chick! I mean, Cartman at least has Shelly, even if she ain't much to look at... ugh, do you have to wear those fucking PJ's?"

"Eric was the only one left." Butters explained, "You don't like my bunny PJ's Kenny?"

"NO! BUNNIES ANNOYS ME BUTTERS!"

Kenny was stripped down to his hoodie and underwear, he shivered as he got into his borrowed sleeping bag. "At least you can afford pajamas, Butters, even if they are dorky, now shut the fuck up and lets get this night over with, maybe I can trade bunk partners with Stan tomorrow or something and lay next to a girl like a normal dude."

Butters immediately felt bad for Kenny, laying in his sleeping bag for a bit, "If you want Kenny I have matching bunny slippers you can wear to bed if you want to stay warm."

"Butters?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut the fuck up."

"So Kenny do you believe in that... Jason guy Stan's grandpa was talking about?" Butters asked

"How should I know, I never can believe what anyone says anymore. Why, do you belive it's real? I was at the campfire mostly for the s'mores and hot dogs we were roasting." Kenny said, rubbing a full stomach.

"I saw someone like that once..."

"Huh?"

"When we were in Imaginationland, I saw someone over seven feet tall and scarred with a hockey mask."

"Well that was Imaginatonland butters, you got the best look out of everyone there, I was...busy that whole time. As far as you guys all knew..." Kenny grumbled

"I didn't really think about that Kenny, where were you dude?"

"None of your damn business..."

"Kenny? Were you jacking your weiner the whole time we were in Imagianonland? You can tell me buddy." Butters gave a kind smile.

The cabin was dark as Kenny leaned over and punched butters in the side of the head. "Shut up and go to sleep butters, no more dumb questions for the rest of the night!" Butters wailed.

Stan was rolled over and asleep, his puking under control and Wendy dozing off when there was movement at the entrance to their cabin. Kenny entered in his underwear and hoodie and sat down between them. "Stan, we have to trade bunks, Butters is too gay to sleep with." he sent a wink over to Wendy

"Um, dude no way! I don't trust you. " Stan stirred.

Wendy sat up and rubbed her eyes, "If it bothers you that much Kenny, I'll go sleep in Butters' cabin and you two can sleep in here."

"NO!" both boys said in unison.

"Look, you can sleep next to my puke bucket." Stan offered as pointed to a corner

"Awh Stan, now it's like I'm at home again!" Kenny said as he went to curl up there.

"Well too fucking bad Kenny, you're not raping my girlfriend." Stan replied coldly

"Could you kids quiet it down? I'm trying to take my goddamn vitamins!" Grampa yelled out

Wendy stood stright up. " Rape? Who said anything about rape!?" she looked both ways, "Now look you woke your grandpa! I'll be extra safe from both of you and go sleep with Butters. Good night to both of you." she left.

"...AAAWW Wendy come back!" Stan pleaded.

"Damn it Kenny why don't you go bunk with Grandpa and leave Wendy alone?" Stan asked angrily.

"Kenny? Kennyyy?" Butters was calling outside

"What Butters?! What the hell do you want?" Kenny asked through the cabin.

"Where'd you go?" Butters asked quietly. "Kenny I'm afraid of the dark! I need someone to sleep with!"

"Dude I'm in Stan's cabin!" Kenny groaned as he walks out of the cabin. "Wendy's bunking with you now."

"Dude, Butters wants you." Stan laughed.

"Dude fuck you!" Kenny grabbed the puke bucket and dumped it on Stan's head, covering him in his own vomit.

"I get to bunk with a girl? Oh man, dad's gonna ground me!" Butters said.

"You're dad's not even here!" Kenny yelled.

Cartman popped out of his cabin in his teddy bear PJ's. "What the fuck is with all the yelling? I am trying to get some Goddamn sleep!"

"...Eeeeeeeewww Stan I don't think I want to sleep with you now you smell like rotten hot dogs and cheesy poofs." Wendy groaned just as she poked back in the cabin.

"Great, now I smell like Cartman's house! Okay, I'm off to take a shower, when I come back you better be in your own cabin Kenny or I'm kicking your ass, no excuses." Stan dragged his nasty sleeping bag out of the cabin and headed off to the lake to wash the puke out of his hair.

Treding through the vegetation of the woodland forest Stan reached the banks of the lake. The only lighting coming from the summer full moon. With little hesitation he bends over scooping the clear water and washing and rubbing his hair doing his best to get every bit of vomit and its scent out.

"That fucking asshole I smell like him when his shower didn't work and he couldn't bath for like a week.."Stan groaned as he looks up he was caught off guard by quick movement just out of the corner of his eye. "What the hell?! Is someone there?!" He asked but only thing he could hear were the calls of night birds and frogs. "Meh must of been a deer or something..."

xXx

Kyle was outside, walking to the basketball court, hands in his pockets. It had been a day since he'd last seen his friends, and he hated to admit it but he really did miss them - there was nobody to hang out with. He then noticed in front of him, Tweek, Clyde, Craig, Token, Jimmy and Jason playing basketball. Craig was blocking Clyde who currenlty held the ball. "Hey guys." Kyle said.

"...hey?" Craig said, raising an eyebrow.

"What's up?"

"Uhh... nothing... just, playing ball... I guess..." Clyde looked quizzical as well.

"Can I join?"

"K-K-K-Kyle, we uhh..."

"AUGH YOUR FRIENDS ARE GONNA DIE!" Tweek yelled.

"Dammit Tweek!" cursed Jason.

Clyde hesitated, but then passed the ball to Kyle. Kyle started to dribble but stopped and looked at the other boys. "Die? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"They're going to Camp Crystal Lake" Tweek twitched, "It's cursed! That's where the killer is!"

Jason quickly went over to Tweek and put his hand over his mouth, Tweek continued to twich and spaz with his eyes wide. Jason gave a nervous giggle. "You know that Tweek, always paranoid."

"Yeah but then in the end his Underpants Gnomes tunred out to be real." Tweek coninuted to talk in a muffled tone, Kyle strained his ears trying to diphicer what the other boy was saying and trying to concentrate on the basketball in his hands as well. He dribbled slowly and noticed the other group of boys all looked uncomfortable. Kyle quickly passed to Craig, who didn't notice at first, the ball sailing past the blue capped boy. Craig gave Kyle a quick flipping off but made no move to retrive the ball, Kyle crossed his arms and stared down the other group of boys.

"Alright, whats going on here? Cursed? Killer?"

Jimmy sighed, "J-J-J-J-Jason V-V-V-Voorhees."

Kyle saw the ball roll towards the street out of the corner of his eye. "Who's that? Aren't you going to get that?" Tweek's broke away from Jason and grabbed the ends of his hair. "He's the Crystal Lake Killer. He's killed over two-hundred people since 1984, everyone who trespassed within the limits of Camp Crystal Lake.. or who just screwed with him." Craig flipped Tweek off, with meaning for once.

Craig went to go get the ball as Clyde explained, "He's totally super dangerous, he carries a machete and wears a hockey mask and he's like a zombie thing." Kyle was staring to be on the panicy side himself but regained his composure as he saw Tweek rip out a bit of his hair. He could stay rational.

"we have to go out there and warn them then!"

"Oh no." Craig set the ball down and gave Kyle a double flip off. "You're not dragging me and my freinds off on another wild adventure."

"Well, we have to do something! Everyone I care about is in danger... and Cartman!" Clyde started to wail as Craig sighed and rolled his eyes,

"Face it Kyle, they're doomed."

xXx

The next morning the kids were sat around a table, Cartman, Stan and Kenny on one side opposite Butters, Shelly and Wendy, eating with Jimbo, Ned and Grampa. "So you guys hear about Christine O'Donnell?" Cartman asked.

"Son, we are not discussing at this table, ANYONE who opposes a good jacking off." Jimbo said.

"Amen." Kenny noted.

"So when's the choir coming?" Stan said.

"In about an hour. You kids wanna go canoeing or something first?" Jimbo offered.

"I don't think Cartman's ass would fit in a canoe..." Kenny commented

"HEY YOU POOR SHIT SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Cartman responded

"Canoeing sounds gay anyway..." Stan noted

"But canoeing's fun! I've done it before!" Butters replied

"Yep... what about a real boat?" Stan asked

"We can do something else, kids! Like uhh..."

"Mm, we could go a-huntin'" Ned said.

"Yeah, great idea, Ned!"

"Yeah lets go hunt a bear or something!" Cartman replied

"What?! Killing an innocent animal how barbaric!" Wendy protested

"Oh great here she goes with her hippy crap..."Cartman groaned "Look if you don't like it you can stay at the camp and bake a pie bitch!"

"We gotta thin out their numbers, Wendy." Jimbo explained, "If the population gets too big, they'll all start. Right Ned?"

"Yeah, like our Giant Panda hunt last week."

"Oh yeah, we bagged a crapload of pandas! Say, you kids enjoying your pandaburgers?"

"But they're population is only around 1,500 in the wild!" protested Stan, "And due, shut the fuck up about Wendy!"

"Woah Stan, buddy, relax, she's just a dumb girl! She's just acting weird cause she's not in the kitchen." Cartman said.

"Or the bedroom." Kenny added.

"Yeah, whatever Kenny said."

"Hey, our nephews' are growin' up, Ned!" Jimbo said.

"UGH! " Wendy groaned

"Look we can go fishing is that better?" Butters suggested.

"Sure!" Kenny said.

"Yeah let's go fishing!" Cartman exclaimed

"Still killing animals..."Wendy groaned

"Look Wendy give it a break...they don't care if they're killing animals..."Stan replied

"Yeah, who gives a crap about animals?" Cartman said.

"You're an animal too asswhipe..." Wendy replied

"Mm, how about we sing campfire songs?" Ned suggested.

"Idea let's go hiking!" Butters suggested.

"I can live with that." Jimbo said.

"Yeah, hiking's good, I need to keep my body in shape." Shelly smirked.

"Your body?" Butters questioned.

"Yes, my body." Shelly glared daggers.

"Pf, nobody cares how fat you are!" Cartman said and Shelly went across the table and punched Stan sharply.

"Uncle Jimbo!"

"Just eat your panda, son."

xXx

Kyle yawned, getting up and out of his bed, stretching and going to the bathroom and brushing his teeth, "Ah, it's a wonderful Saturday morning." he smiled, "Now time to get dressed." Kyle took his normal hat off and put on a cap that was oddly familiar. He then put a fake pipe in his mouth and changed into a Sherlock Holmes-style coat, "Elementery, my dear Watson." he smirked.

"Sherlock Holmes never said that." Ike muttered as he passed by.

"Shut up Ike." Kyle quipped as he went down for breakfast, pouring himself some milk and taking a plate as he approached his father at the table, reading the paper as he prepared to leave for his office, "Morning dad, mom. What's for breakfast?"

"Oh bubbe, it's your favorite." Sheila dropped the food on to Kyle's plate, a lightly toasted muffin with some kind of gooey yellow mass in between, "An egg and cheese muffin."

"No kosher bacon on it?" Kyle frowned.

"All out." Kyle's father Gerald reported, "So Kyle, what are you up to today? You're dressed different." he questioned.

"Tweek's coming over to hang out." Kyle explained, Ike nodding.

"Oh, that sounds good. How long will he be here?" Gerald asked.

"A few hours, don't worry." Kyle said, "We just need to get to the bottom of this mystery."

"Oh, a mystery. Have fun." Gerald said as Kyle dashed upstairs, reading the newspaper, "Huh, this election's looking tough, honey."

"Oh Gerald, why do you pretend to care? You're a lawyer for God's sake... what did Kyle say he and his little friend would be doing?" Sheila asked.

"Oh, he and Tweek read a mystery book or something and want to do some research." Gerald sipped some coffee.

xXx

An hour passes and the group find themselves in untouched wilderness. Surrounded by large trees with emerald green foliage and the clear, clean blue waters of the lake. "Wow this place is beautiful it's so romantic!" Wendy noted as she nuzzled up against Stan.

"It is." Stan smirked, swallowing his puke. Cartman was holding a fishing pole while Kenny sat on a rock sleeping. Jimbo and Ned sat on the side with Shelly, giving her tips on killing things that she claimed were not her brother. Butters in the meantime was wondering off as he spotted a group of colorful butterflies near the lake.

"Hello butterflies why you're all so beautiful and colorful."Butters distracted him when suddenly the butterflies disperse as if a predator had entered the area. "Hey butterflies where are you going?" That's when he noted a figure far off in the distant too far to make out who it was. The bushes rustled and Butters swore he could see a bloodshot eye staring at him. Just one. "...ummm hello? Is anybody there?!" Butters asked. A large, bloody machete suddenly came down, landing in the ground next to him.

Butters eyes widen with fear "WOA AAHHHH!" He starts heading back towards the group. "Guys?!"

"What the hell do you want Butters?" asked Cartman.

"I-I just saw something in the woods you guys! It was like a big ol' guy holding a big ol' knife!"

"...god Butters, you're such a fag, seeing big buff men in the woods all the time, you are so gay!" Cartman said.

"Eric, I thought you said that happened to you all the time." Butters said naively.

"...Butters godammit, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN." Cartman protested.

"All right Butters, what did you see?" Stan asked.

"It was this big guy with this one eye and he had a big ol' knife and he slashed it at me! I was so scared I ran off!"

"...Butters, you've been watching too many Horror movies.' Stan said.

"But guys-"

"No Butters, shut up." Kenny said.

xXx

Kyle sat in his computer seat, typing with lightening speed, deep in researching everything he could on Jason Voorhees and Camp Crystal Lake - the results weren't good. Worried and hand shaking he grabbed his cell phone and treid to get a hold of Stan.

"Uh, hello?" Stan answered a few feet away from the corpse, which Jimbo and Ned were inspecting.

"Hey Stan I have some fucked up news you might want to know. Tweek kept bugging me about some bad guy up in your area and to keep him quiet I did some research." Kyle explained. The reception on the cellphone wasn't all that good

"...what? A bad guy? ...oh come on, seriously dude, not you, too!"

"Dude I'm not one to believe in stories but apparently there's a legend about Crystal Lake. In the late 50s some kid named Jason Voorhees apparently drowned in that lake and two years later his mother killed two counselours in revenge." Kyle continued on, "The camp was shut down and a few years later reopened and his mother again when on a murderous rampage which ended with her being beheaded. Turns out the child may have not drowned and had seen the murder of his mother. He grew up and to this day kills anyone who goes near that lake...sounds stupid am I right?" Kyle asked

"Is my grandpa paying you? No, it's Butters, isn't it, that little asshole!"

"Wha...what are you talking about?" Kyle asked

"My grandpa told that SAME retarded story, and then Butters said he saw some dude with a big knife in the forest! I mean seriously Kyle, I thought you were my friend, dude!"

"Dude it wasn't me it was Tweek who kept bugging me! He wouldn't let up until he saw it that I Googled it! He's here now!" Kyle replied

"AAAGGHH BUT ITS TRUE! ACCKKK!" Tweek could be heard in the background

"Just be sure not to have Sex that's his pet peeve!" An unknown voice streamed in

"Dude, Tweek, fuck you, this is why we kicked you out of our group! All you do is tell stupid lies all of the time!" Stan cussed angrily. "So was this your idea or my grampa's? Or Butters?"

"My idea NO I read it in the Newspaper!" Tweek replied

"That stupid story is a convulted web of lies, quit believing Tweek, you're way smarter than him! Look, I have to go. Call me back when you have something important to tell me." Stan hung up.

"Bastard. Last time I warn him of impending danger... look, let's run to Clyde's, he'll let us use his computer. We can bring Ike along, too, he's supposed to be a genuis." Kyle said.

xXx

"Well boys, I think the choir'll be here any minute." Jimbo said, sitting in back with Grampa and Ned. Shelly was forced to sit with the other children, much to her anger, which she naturally took out on her poor, innocent brother, who still wasn't quite used to being bruised every four to five seconds.

"Hi, we're Getting Gay With Kids!" came out a pretty woman in her forties with neatly combed brunette hair and a wide grin, "I'm Miss Stevens, and we- hold on, aren't you the same little bastards who came to the rainforest with us?"

"What the Hell!? Why is SHE here?!" Cartman complained

"Oh fuck!" Kenny said.

"Hi Kenny! Long time since I've seen you! How you been?!" A little girl with blue eyes and long blonde hair in a ponytail stepped out in uniform, smiling excitedly.

"...hey Kelly." Kenny half-smiled beneath his parka, "It has been a while... uhh, I'm fine. Fine. You?"

"I've been good! Just touring with my group so are you guys staying at the lake too?" Kelly asked

"Uh, yeah, we are, for the weekend... I didn't expect to run into you again."

"Hey Kinny, it's your ex-girlfriend!" Cartman said, laughing.

As Kelly continues the conversation a brownish-red haired guy comes over. "Hey Kelly we need help setting up the camp babe."

"Sure Russell I be there in a bit." Kelly replied. There was a pause, as if the blonde had not even heard Cartman or Kenny, "Wha...Ex-girlfriend? You have another girlfriend?!" Kelly asked

Kenny shook Cartman, "You fucking son of a bitch I'll rip your fat fucking ass apart and build a fucking skyscraper with it!"

"Well hey she had to find out one way or another!" Cartman replied

"Dude Cartman, not cool." Stan said.

"What? Kenny's cheating on his girlfriend!?" Wendy cried.

"...well I guess that's not so bad...considering I've moved on as well so to speak..." Kelly replied

"What!?" Kenny's eyes widened.

"Yeah I should have told you sooner but I couldn't keep up with the long distance relationship you know." Kelly responded as the guy dubbed Russell came over

"Russell here is my new boyfriend."

"...What!?"

"...but you have a new girlfriend too right? So that makes us even." Kelly said

"...What!?"

"Kinny, you're free. Gulp some fucking air, man." Cartman said.

"I'll be back..." said a girl in the choir group with strawberry-colored hair. "I think I dropped my glasses..."

"Okay, Amy, come back quickly, we go on in three minutes." Miss Stevens said. Amy went behind a bush.

SPLAT! There was a blood all over the choir members.

"She's dead!" Russell exclaimed as he and Kelly rushed to the body,

"Someone cut her head off!" everyone exchanged confused glances.

"Hey, don't you kids worry, me and Ned brought our entire weapons collection." Jimbo said.

"You bastards! Dude was there like a bear in the bush!?" Stan asked

"I don't know, son." Jimbo said.

"Goddamn man, there's a killer on the loose!" Cartman exclaimed.

"Oh, will you people relax! Murders are easy to solve!" Wendy said, taking out a magnifying class, opening her bag and putting on a Sherlock Holmes-style hat, "I mean obviously it can't be any of us, and nobody else is camping here this weekend."

"You think you're so smart bitch who was it!?" Cartman asked

"Well, Miss Stevens, who hired you guys?"

"I don't know, some old man who lived in the biggest cabin. His name was Ellis or something." Miss Stevens shrugged.

xXx

"Be on your best behavior, okay Ike?" Kyle said as he, Tweek and his brother knocked at Clyde's door. Clyde's sister, Bonnie Donovan answered the door, smiling, her brown-black hair swept off to both sides of her face. She wore an orange dress. "Oh hello boys, you're here for Clyde aren't you? My is he popular lately! First his old friends, then that little blonde girl, then the poor boy in the crutches and now you. He's up in his room with his friends."

"Thanks Bonnie." Kyle said as he and Ike went to Clyde's room, seeing Clyde and Jimmy both present. "Where are the other guys? I thought you said everyone'd be here."

"Craig said he'd prefer to spend his weekends sleeping in and that he can care less if Cartman gets decapitated, and Token's family was invited to a party or something."

"We'll h-h-h-help you, K-k-k-k-kyle." Jimmy insisted.

"All right, all right... to the computer!" Kyle said, Clyde moving to his computer as it booted. There was a long pause.

"Uh, it say it wasn't shut off properly and if I press any button, it will cease checking the disk for problems..."

"AUGH! DON'T PRESS ANYTIHNG!" Tweek said.

"Dude, press a button, we don't have time for this crap." Kyle said.

"But-"

"Dude, lives are at stake." Kyle said.

"DON'T BREAK IT!" Tweek cried.

"But guys, I-" Clyde protested.

"Press something!" Kyle said.

"You guys are too late, it's checking the disk for errors... 1%... 2%... 3%... 4%... 5%... ... ...4% ...3% ...4%... 4%...:"

xXx

"All right, what's your name?" Jimbo said, angrily staring into the face of a man who was tied up. He was quite old, with a stern face and dark gray hair, and a pair of blue eyes. He was in a thick black coat.

"Let me fucking go!" The end of a rifle hit him in the face.

"What's your name?"

"Elias."

"Why are you here?"

"Dude, Uncle Jimbo, ease up on him!" Stan cried.

"No, it's a good cop, bad cop routine, Stanley." Jimbo said.

"So who's the good cop?" Kenny asked

"Ned... Ned?" Jimbo looked around, "Ned, old buddy, old pal, where are you?"

"Mm, over here." Ned walked out of a closet, "Mm, look what I found." Ned took out the murder weapon a - a large bloody machete labelled _Property of Camp Crystal Lake._

"You bastard killer!" Grampa said.

"Now look, I can explain." Elias said, "That belongs to my son. He's also on the camp grounds."

"Your son?"

"Jason." Elias said simply.

"You're Elias Voorhees?" Grampa said, "...my stars and garters, I haven't seen you since Korea!"

"Marvin, it's a shame we're meeting on these terms..."

"Dude, you gotta be kidding me..."

"Stan, we have to face it, the legend is true." Wendy explained, "Occam's razor. The story's there, we've had multiple unrelated sources corrobate it. As unbelievable as it is... it's all that works."

"So you work this place now?" Jimbo asked.

"Yep, just me. My wife's dead and my son went insane." Elias explained, "What's troubling you nice folk?"

"So we have to find Jason. Easy." Cartman said, "Everyone split up. I'll go with the fat ugly bitch, Kinny will go with the pussy, Uncle Jimbo'll be with Ned, Stan can go with Wendeh, Russell can be with Kelly, Stan's grampa'll be with Mr. Voorhees here, Ms. Stevens can go with-"

"We get it, Cartman..." they split off.

"Aw, but I brought the perfect torture device." Jimbo said as he took out an Ace Ventura Junior DVD.

xXx

"So what you're trying to say is we should all go to Conneticut, leave South Park free, and save a few kids from a serial killer?" said the Chief-of-Police of the SPPD, sitting behind a large desk, across a Jewish boy in a green ushanka, flanked by a slightly fat boy in a coat with brown hair, one in yellow and crutches and one in a gray shirt buttoned strangely with wild blonde hair.

"Yes." the three said.

"...that is one of the stupidest ideas I've heard in my thirty years as a police officer." replied the Chief.

"You have to understand, my friends are in danger, Jason Voorhees is going to get them! Can't you at least contact the Conneticut police and get it under control before something terrible happens!"

"Well I suppose I can do tha- Jason Voorhees?" the Chief got up, "My God!" he ran to the phone, calling up a number and dialing, "Hello, this is the South Park Police Department, connect me to the Governor of Conneticut." there was a pause, "Uh yes, this is Officer George Barbrady, Chief-of-Police in South Park... uhuh, mhm, yes right... all right... no, no, Jason... yes, all right I'll hold... n-no, I want a small shake please... uh-huh... okay..." Barbrady hung up.

"Well?" Clyde asked.

"A SWAT Team has Crystal Lake surrounded. Nobody's getting in or out without seeing those boys." Barbrady explained, "Jason'll get his body blown to bits, and finally!"

"...what!? What about our friends!?" Tweek asked.

"...oh gosh, I didn't think this through did I? ...you're gonna wanna call them."

"Can't you call it off?" Kyle asked.

"Too late, not once the Governor's involved. Sorry boys." Barbrady said as the boys ran off with their phones to warn their friends. Stan refused to answer, Cartman's phone was off and nobody had Butters' or Wendy's numbers. Kenny didn't even own a cell phone.

"Crap." Clyde said.

"Look, let's just get home and try again later." Kyle said.

"AUGH! OKAY!" Tweek said.

"IM me if anything happens." Kyle said as they split off.

xXx

"Oh Gosh geee there's a killer on the loose! What if he kills again?!" Butters asked Kenny clinging to him like a little kid would do his mother.

"Oh relax Butters you pussy." Kenny said, "There's nothing to worry about."

"B-b-b-but..."

"Butters, shut the fuck up." Kenny laughed, "We're perfectly safe. That Jason story is a load of bull if you ask me. It's like that time me and my dad read that Bloody Mary article online. Didn't work at all."

"It didn't?"

"Well Butters, do I look dead to you?"

"...I guess not." Butters heard something, turning around in the woods, "Mr. Voorhees?" Butters turned around.

"I gotta take a whizz. Hold on." Kenny went by a bush, Butters following, "Dude, I'm not gay. Let me pee alone." Butters nodded and moved away when suddenly his feet felt wet... he looked down to see a small stream of blood and turned around to see Kenny, decapitated.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" he heard Stan call in the distance.

xXx

Kyle was at home on the computer, when suddenly his eyes closed and he yelled out, "YOU BASTARDS!" before resuming what he was doing.

"Kyle bubbe, is something wrong?" Sheila asked from another room.

"NO, MOM." Kyle cried before turning back to his computer.

xXx

"Dude who killed Kenny?!" Stan asked bewildered as he examined his decapitated friend

"I don't know." Wendy said, "We need to find everyone else. Text the others or something!"

Butters poking at Kenny. "Wow dying while taking a piss...what do you think that's like?" He randomly asked

"It doesn't matter Butters, you crap your pants when you die anyway." Stan said.

"...say where did Eric and your sister go?" Butters asked

"They split up to look for Jason earlier. They went opposite of us. I guess I could try calling one of them but... crap I never added either of them." Stan said.

"I know Eric's number." Butters said.

"...Butters, you're a freaking creep."

"...well yeah" Butters dials Cartman's number.

xXx

"See anything, fat ugly bitch?" Cartman said.

"Quit calling me that, and I can't shee a thing." Shelly said, "Jusht endless foresht."

"Aw, shit." Cartman said, "We need to find something. Godammit, this is fucking retarded!"

"Shut up you shtupid turd."

"No really, it is. Why didn't Stan's uncle do a fucking internet search? It's a goddamn serial killer. That shouldn't slip through the cracks."

"I don't know."

"Hey, hold on." Cartman stopped and dashed between some strees.

"Come back you shtupid turd!" Shelly followed, only for her eyes widen, "Ish that a shtupid shack or shomething?"

"Yeah... looks old... let's go investigate." Cartman approached it slowly, just about to open the door... "CAN'T READ MAH... CAN'T READ MAH... NO SHE CAN'T READ MAAAH POOOOOKAH FAAAAAAACE." Cartman's voice began ringing loudly "Oh, uh, sorry, better take this." Cartman answered, "Stan, how the hell did you get my number? Oh, Butters, put him on the line. Yes, Butters, can I tell you something? Okay. FUCK YOU. Okay, put Stan back on the line... yeah... oh my God!"

"What?" Shelly said.

"They killed Kenny." Cartman explained.

"Bastards." Shelly replied.

xXx

Kelly looked by a bush, "See anything Russ?"

"No just trees and more trees and a squirrel.. where are the others?" Russell asked

"Probably still looking." Kelly shrugged, lifting a rock and watching some insects crawl away before replacing it, "I hope nobody else gets hurt." she said quietly, "I'm sorta worried... I mean, I don't want Ke- my old friends getting hurt."

"I'm sure they can take care of themselves...right?" Russell asked "...do you still like him?"

"...I- Of course not, don't worry about that, that's all behind me." Kelly gave a smile. Truthfully, Kenny was still on her mind rather often.

"You sure you can be truthful with me." Russell encouraged

"It's fine, don't worry... I just... it's weird, you know?" Kelly said, talking as much to herself as to him.

"...talk to me Kelly...tell me what's on your mind?" Russell insisted

"I don't know. I just... I feel guilty. Everything deteriorated so fast..." she said, "I really liked Benny but I knew it couldn't work but... I just wonder sometimes whether I gave him a real chance. Maybe I demanded too much? I mean, is a phone call every day a lot? I mean, he said his family was pretty well-off..."

"Perhaps maybe you should talk with him...tell him your feelings? Just to get it off your chest you know before well you can't even see him..." Russell adviced

"Oh Russ, you're so nice." Kelly said, "Most guys would kill Lenny before they even spoke to him, and you're practically encouraging me to get back together with him." she laughed.

"...so why did you leave him if you still feel attached to him?" Russ asked

"It was a long distance relationship, Russell. They never work out." Kelly said, "He could never seem to get to the phone or anything, and we never got to see each other, his family was always busy..."

".Hmm...sounds more like a cover up...maybe he was trying to hide somehting about himself?" Russ asked

"Why would he do that?" Kelly said.

"Maybe he was hiding something that he felt ashamed or embarrased of...you never know...what the who the hell is that?!" Russell suddenly staring behind Kelly. A tall, robust figure loomed over them with a circular saw roaring towards them.

"Oh, crap! Run!" Kelly ran off, stopping several yards way, "Russell?" she turned around.

"Save yourself Kelly! " Russell yelled

"Russell, come on, you can make it!" Kelly said with horror as she saw the large figure approach her boyfriend.

Russell shoved Kelly in front of him in a rushing manner. The two ran as fast as they could, Kelly jumping over a fallen log - but Russell tripped upon it, with with the figure looming. Blood spattered over everything, even Kelly as the circular saw sank through Russell's body. Kelly screamed, not wanting to leave her boyfriend behind but she had no choice if she wanted to live. She bolted through the forest as fast as she could, until she ran into someone.

"Kelly, dude, are you okay?" Stan helped her up.

"R-Russell... they-he... they got Russell..."

"They got Kenny, too." Stan said quietly.

"No! No, not both of them!" Kelly cried. "I wanted to talk to him!" She adds as she was in tears. "Who would do such a horrible thing?!"

"Jason." said Grampa, rolling up with Miss Stevens, "It had to be him. I told ya, Billy, Jason goddamn Voorhees was here!"

"...THE Jason from your story?!" Kelly asked

"That's the one." Grampa said, "I told you he was real! You kids need to learn to listen to yer elders!"

"So how do we get rid of him?" Wendy asked

"How the hell should I know?"

Hey what if we tried to make friends with him? You know maybe he's just lonely and mean because he has no friends..." Butters offered

"Oh yeah he turns a saw on us and you want us to make friends with him. SERIOUSLY?!" Stan replied

"Well it's worth a shot right?" Butters asks as he wonders off with his naive thoughts.

xXx

Cartman was looking around inside the small shack, "Eh, this little crappy house sucks. It's worse than Kinny's. The toliet doesn't even have plumbing." Indeed, the house was made of wood, hastily put together and only had what looked like a 'living room', a bedroom, a closet-sized room with some kind of shrine in it complete with someone's head, and a bathroom.

"Yeah, and in one of the roomsh there'sh a bunch of corpshesh." Shelly said.

"Pf, who cares about that? I can't find anything to fucking eat!"

"That doeshn't matter you shtupid turd! Hey, maybe this ish Jashon's house?"

"Maybe." Cartman shrugged, picking something up off the floor, "Ooh, this looks tasty... mm... tastes like chicken..." he said as he nibbled at it.

"Uh, Cartman?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you're eating a dude's finger." Cartman looked at Shelly, then at the finger he'd been nibbling on, then at her, then at the finger, then he slowly took another bite, chewing it even more slowly.

"Dude, you're fucked up." Shelly said.

"Ay, fuck you!"

"Godammit you're sho fucking shelfish!" Shelly said, approaching him.

"Well, you're a stupid bitch!" He stepped towards her.

"Well you're fat!"

"Well so are you!"

"Yeah, right! I'm totally hot, you'd be lucky to get with a chick like this!" Shelly said defiantly.

"Guys don't like fat chicks. Fat chicks suck in bed." Cartman said.

"What do you know, you're a little faggot!" Shelly said.

"Faggot? Oh yeah?" Cartman grabbed Shelly and pressed his mouth to her's for a moment, Shelly breaking away and spitting, "Told you I wasn't gay."

"Oh God... that was disgusting!" Shelly said, spitting. "Great, now I'll never be able to get a date!"

"Not like you could before, fatty."

"You're the fat one! You're wider than me! And besides, I'm totally hot. Stan looks like dad, so I'll look like mom, and everyone keeps telling me mom's hot. Therefore, I'm hot. You're not. End of story."

"Dumb bitch. You're not exactly a good kisser, either!"

"You were kissing me." she said, stomping off. Cartman rolled his eyes when he turned around, seeing a shadow in the woods, "Bitch, you want a piece of this?" he asked. The shadow disappeared. "Eh? That was gay. Get back here you stupid fag!"

xXx

Suddenly a Kiss cell phone ringtone was going and Stan answered, "Kyle? What is it dude? Make it fast, I only have one bar left."

Dude you have to get out of there before Jason Voorhees kills one of you!" Kyle replied with concern

"...dude, we know. We're looking for him to kick his ass."

"The FBI has you surrounded! So don't get shot!" Kyle added

"What?" Stan's eyes widened, "How did they get here?"

"OUR BAD." Tweek cried

"Yeaaah we called them in and as soon as we said Jason Voorhees they took off." Kyle replied

"...shit! Dude, how the fuck are we going to get out of here."

"ARGH JUST FLY OUT!" Tweek said

"Tweek you retard!" Kyle shouted

"How do you expect us to do that? Who do we know with an airplane?" Stan said.

"...wait... hold tight, Stan, I know exactly who can help you." Kyle said.

"Who?" Stan asked. Dial tone. "Fuck! My phone died!" Stan groans.

"Stan, there you are!" Jimbo said, joining the group, "I think just about everyone's here now except your sister, the fat kid and... that weird blonde kid."

xXx

In the middle of the forest, Butters Stotch had wandered a good lonely distance from the main group. He found himself picking some flowers and giving them a sniff. "Wow your're some lovely little flowers aren't you?" A large shadow came over him as he picked at them. He quickly turned around, his blue eyes widening at the sight of a man who was quite tall, with decaying blackened flesh. He only had one eye - the other seemed to be some kind of orifice. Most of his face, however, was shielded by a scratched up, darkened hockey mask, with only a single red chevron marking left on top - the other two had peeled off. He wore a green workshirt with pockets that was now faded and torn, with a large dark brown tattered coat over it. Finally he wore a faded yellow workbelt over some darkened gray khakis. On the workbelt were many weapons, but the one currently in his hand was a machete, blood dripping off the end of it.

"Hi there Mr. Voorhees! Isn't it just a lovely day? You should sniff this flower, it smells heavenly." Butters said, offering. Jason titled his head to the right, confused - people always ran and screamed at him, throwing things at him. What was different about this young boy. "Poor Voorhees all alone in the forest by yourself. You're not really evil are you? Just misunderstood and I bet everyone used to pick on you like they do to me forcing you into a life of evil. Well don't you want the flower?" Butters continued. Jason took the flower, looking at it for a moment, trying to give it a sniff, but putting it down and approaching Butters... not chasing, but merely moving closer, like an animal, hoping to inspect this intruder upon it's territory. Butters felt a bit tense as the figure approached after all this was the legendary Jason Voorhees and he didn't earn his bad reputation for nothing. At the same time the naive youngster didn't run like he probably should he wasn't quite sure what to do but hoped his friendly attitude would somehow give him a reprieve. "I bet you never had any friends have you?" Butters asked with true sympathy in his voice. Knowing what it was like to not have many friends himself. Jason stood quietly staring at the strange child with his only working eye. Seemingly listening and understanding every word but he didn't show much emotion. "...I could be your friend we'll have all sorts of fun boy howdy!" Butters said with a bit too much enthusiasim. "What do you say?" He asked extending his hand as a sign of friendship. Jason lowered his machete gently, heading for the boy's hand as if to answer his call...

"AUGH!" Butters quickly turned and ran as soon as the machete moved. Jason flails his arms and swung his machete angrily nailing an old tree in the procees seeminly an outrage of betrayal. As Butter's instincts tell him to run it triggers Jason's almost pretador like instinct to give chase. Butters ran towards the camp site, unwittingly leading the murderer to his friends as he stumbled, landing into the group, "Help!" he ran past Cartman.

"The fuck?" Cartman said, "Ay Butters, what the fuck are you doing?" he followed, unaware of Jason.

"I tried to make friends with him but he tried to kill me instead!" Butters replied

"With who?" Cartman asked.

"HIM!" Butters points behind him.

"Aw, dude, fuck!" Cartman ran following Butters as they ran into everyone else.

"What the hell's going on?" Jimbo asked.

"He's followed me! Jason is coming!" Butters tells them in a panic

"Guess he didn't want to be your friend?" Stan asked.

The group soon realized Jason was closing in on them

"You kids run I'll hold him off!" Jimbo yelled as he pointed a gun at the ever advancing Voorhees shooting multiple rounds with no results. His eyes widened with fear, "I-It's comin' right for us! For real!" Ned and Ms. Stevens held back. "Ned, go make sure the children are safe!"

"Mm, I can't leave you."

"Godammit Ned, I wish I could quit you! Get out of here!" Jimbo fired more rounds, Jason getting close, "NED!" Ned sighed and left with the children, giving a final look at his longtime companian.

"Aren't you coming ?" Kelly beckoned.

"He needs help! You children get to safety!" The kids ran, Jimbo blasting a final few rounds at Jason who was now only a few yards away. Miss Stevens stepped in front of him, grabbing a large branch off the ground and whacking Jason in the head. The murderer reacted in fury, plunging his machete into her chest, "Oh-" blood poured out of her chest as Jason let the body slide slowly off the machete, going to approach Jimbo.

"No, it can't end like this!" Suddenly, something Jimbo couldn't truly discern hit Jason from above, him looking up and around, but there was nothing in the sky, though it was hard to tell through the thick woods.

"Huh?" Jimbo tried to shuffle away as Jason tilted his head up before charging again, but alas Jason stopped again, looking up. This distraction was brief, as within a moment, Jason fell forward, with a girl around thirteen with long stringy hair and braces standing on his back.

"Get the fuck off my uncle you stupid zombie freak!" Shelly Marsh cried. Shelly promptly tossed a punch at Jason's arms and head. The surprise quickly wore off as Jason got up and began attacking Shelly back, the strong teenager a fair match for the mass murderer. She broke the machete on her knee as she punched him in the arm, Jason responding by grabbing her leg. "Run Uncle Jimbo, I'll be fine, this turd doesn't know who he's messing with." Jimbo nodded quietly running.

The kids reached the front end which was fenced off when Stan stopped, "No, remember what Kyle said? The FBI's going to shoot on sight.'

"JASON VOORHEES, THIS IS THE CONNETICUT STATE POLICE AND THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" called a man from outside, "EVERYONE ELSE, STAY WHERE YOU ARE. DO NOT LEAVE. WE HAVE ORDERS TO SHOOT ON SIGHT."

"We're fucked." Stan said when suddenly the wind around them began slowly moving... faster.. faster... dust and dirt were kicked up as something large landed in between them.

"Shitty Airlines, pleashe take your sheat." said Tuong Lu Kim, who was currently at the helm of the small, cheap airplane/helicopter-type craft that had landed.

"Hop on guys." Kyle said eagerly as they obeyed.

"What about Shelly?" Stan said. "And Grampa and Elias?"

"Dude, fuck her." Kyle said, "She beat you up for years. And your grandfather's always wanted to die anyway... and who gives a fuck about some old guy?"

"But she saved me." Jimbo noted.

"Godammit Stan, just leave your dumb bitch sister alone and let's get the fuck out of here." Cartman said. The plane slowly began lifting off.

"Shelly!" Stan called, his sister nowhere to be found as the plane moved higher.. and higher...

"All right, Shitty Airines, Conneticut to Cororado, reaving now!" Tuong said as the plane lifted off, "Hm, heavy fright." he noted as the plane went over the wall.

"Godammit I thought we resticted this air space!" a Conneticut officer yelled.

"Wait... stop here. We have to make sure Shelly gets out okay." Stan said.

"I rearry shouldn't... but fine. You pay eckshtra rater." Tuong landed the plane as everyone got off just behind the police. A familiar man stood at front of them.

"There you kids are!" Grampa said, "Elliot got us out safe." Grampa explained, "Where's Sheldon?" the FBI ambushed the doorway through the fence into Crystal Lake as Jason and Shelly fought hard close by to it, Shelly punching Jason as he kicked her. Shelly was able to get his mask off exposing his dark, decaying face - he lacked a nose and had a single orange eye, the other eye and that part of the scalp not even having broken flesh - skull could be seen with a split. His mouth had few teeth and was wide open as he glared daggers. Shelly suddenly stopped as her eyes widened at the site.

"HOLY HELL! YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A REAL TURD!" Jason's face is enough to make her puke and bolt at the same time... Shelly out of the way, the FBI fired at Jason as Shelly reached her family.

"Let's get the hell out of here." Grampa said, the family getting up on the plane as Tuong prepared to lift off. They watched as the FBI captured Jason, walking off with the murderer handcuffed.

"Well, that was certainly one crazy adventure." Stan said.

"You can say that again." Wendy said.

"Well that was certainly-"

"It's an expression."

"Thanks for coming out to save us Kyle, you're a great friend." Stan smiled.

"Any time, you guys." Kyle smiled. Kelly was crying still, along with a few other choir kids who'd survived the bloodbath.

"You okay, Kelly?" Butters aked.

"I'm f-f-fine" Kelly lied, drying her tears, "I just..."

"Aw, you're not fine, Kelly. You just lost your mentor-"

"Miss Stevens was a bitch anyway." Kelly interrupted.

"And two of your boyfriends and... that chick."

"It's okay... maybe I'm just supposed to move on. I mean, I made poor Russell suffer because I wanted Kenny back, but he's dead now..."

"Awh, okay. Good to hear you're happy, Kelly." Butters smiled.

"Thanks... uh, what's your name again?"

"We need to rose some weight. I say we throw off fat keed." Tuong said, nodding towards Cartman.

"Godammit!" Cartman cried.

 **The End**


	7. A Very Kenny Christmas

**A/N:** _And now, a terribly dated Christmas fic. It was originally posted Dec. 25th, 2010... and now, shit, it's almost June 2017, fuck._

 _Um, the bit about Kenny's mom being twelve... fucking gross. That's based on a fan rumor that is often distributed as canonical, as I too thought at the time. Not true. She wasn't twelve. But I guess it's canon here? Ew. Fuck._

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"A Very Kenny Christmas"**

 _by JVM-SP150_

Stan Marsh and Eric Cartman were walking along the streets of South Park, the little fourth graders holding a large number of presents. Stan could barely see past his tall stack of wrapped gifts, "Dude, are we close to Kenny's house?" Cartman rolled his eyes at what he percieved as his friend's laziness, his tough ego convincing him Stan was complaining because he was weaker and that if Cartman held the presents, he could do it easily. Because according to his ego, he's the goddamn Cartman.

"Hell if I know."

"Cartman, you're supposed to be watching for his house!"

"I'm texting Kahl."

"How did you get Kyle's phone number?"

"Bebe."

"How does she have his phone number?"

"Wendeh. And before you ask, you gave it to her you dumbass."

"Why are you texting Kyle?"

"I'm telling him to check his backdoor." Cartman chuckled.

"Cartman what did you do?" Cartman laughed,

"N-nothing, nothing, don't worry about it Stan..."

"What. Did you. Do?"

"...I didn't do anything Stan, God! I just want Kyle to make sure it's locked so he's safe from rapists and stuff!"

"Cartman, dude. Not cool."

"Whatever, Stan." Cartman chuckled as he sent his text and put his phone away.

"Again?" Stan nosebridgepinched, deciding it was fruitless - Kyle already knew what had happened and knowing Kyle, he'd beat up Cartman the next time the group met. "Cartman, do you see Kenny's house or not?"

"Yeah, I think I see it. All these poor houses look the same to me." Cartman looked at the sky, "Looks like it's gonna snow. Fuck."

"Cartman!"

"Yeah, yeah, follow me." Cartman lead Stan to Kenny's front door and they rang the doorbell. While their friend Kyle was watching relatives for a 'Post-Hanukkah Reunion' as his mother called it, Stan and Cartman were delivering presents from themselves and the Broflovskis. Normally their families didn't really care much for the McCormicks, but it was Christmas and they caved to help the less fortunate who at any other time of the year, would refuse the charity unless it was food.

"Hello?" Kevin McCormick answered the door, a boy of about thirteen with the messiest brown hair you'd ever seen in your life and a look on his face that was blank.

"Hi, I'm Kinney's friend Eric, this is my butler, Stan."

"Shut up fatass! I'm Stan and I'm one of Kenny's friends, too."

"Ohh... uh Kenny's in his room right now, I think he's busy but yeah come in." Kevin moved aside to let his brother's friends in. Cartman and Stan walked in, Cartman grabbing his nose.

"Gah, it smells like poor people in here!"

"We get that a lot." Kevin said, "Uh, do you guys want hot water or playboys or anything?"

"In the ghettoooo..." Cartman began to sing.

"Shut up fatass!"

"...I'll take that as a no." Kevin said.

"Cartman, can you spend like five minutes not thinking about yourself? Or is even that impossible for you?" Stan said, putting the stack of gifts down.

"Stan, do you know how selfish you are? I say a few little things and you just blow up." Cartman crossed his arms as if Stan was being the unreasonable one.

"Oh hey guys I didn't expect you this soon..." Kenny walked out, tossing aside a playboy with a hole in the middle of it. Neither Stan nor Cartman wished to know what that hole was for. Kenny had a Santa hat on over his hood as he went by his friends, "Goddamn that's a lot of presents."

"Kyle's mom got some stuff for your parents and brother, too." Stan said, "My parents were going to buy you more stuff but mom and dad had an argument and didn't get to the store."

"Oh, okay..." Kenny sat up, shaking one gift, "I can't wait to open these, dude! You guys always get me the best gifts for Christmas."

"Kinny, Kinny, are your friens here?" Kenny's parents walked out. Besides both wearing home-knitted Christmas sweaters - Carol's showing some reindeer and Stuart's a snowman - they looked as normal, "Oh good. There's a storm outside,." she reported sarcastically. "They'll have to stay here fer shel'er."

"Awwh, come on, no, I don't want to stay in no poor people's house." Cartman crossed his pudgy arms. "They don't even have a fucking Nintendo or an Xbox, they have a goddamn ColecoVision! A COLECOVISION! It's like they're not even human, Africa's ahead of them!"

"Well fine then, leave." Stuart said, reaching for a bottle of whiskey and being slapped away by his wife. He glared but said nothing.

"Ay, I do not need to take that from a jobless deadbeat!"

"Oh right, and you have a job?" Stuart said.

"I bust mah ass washing those damn dishes at the Olive Garden, then I take the mone' home AND YER STUPID ASS WASTES IT." Carol interrupted.

"I don't see you complaining when you've got your booze and weed - you were so high the other night you made these stupid ass looking sweaters."

"Hey! I made those 'cause I needed to give ya a gift and keep ya warm ya ungrateful son of a bitch."

"Oh yeah, this is what I think about your stupid sweaters!" Stuart grabbed a frayed end of Carol's sweater at the sleeve and started to pull, letting the yarn unravel, causing his wife to look horrified for a moment before narrowing her eyes and slapping him to prevent her being exposed in front of her children.

Stan kind of stood in shock at the scene while the McCormick children gathered around to watch the fun, Kevin holding a bag of burnt popcorn. Cartman laguhed along with them. "I know your poor asses don't have decent cable so this is what you have to watch for entertainment but Terrance and Phillip's Chirstmas Special is on so screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman went to step out of the house, his one Christmas charitable moment over and he can go back to his year round selfishness when a single bolt of lightning came down right on the McCormick family door step in the middle of the intense snowstorm. Cartman yelped in fear and ran back inside. "I could've gotten back without you Kenny, God, you're so poor you need to pretend you're helping people to make you feel better?"

Kenny went up to pull his friend back into the house. "That lightening always seems to appear right in that spot, always aimed for me it seems, watch out it almost got you." Kenny brought Cartman back on the couch, who crossed his arms again while Kenny sat by his siblings and watched with an odd, naive joy as Stuart slapped Carol in the side of the face and she grabbed his arm and stopped a well-aimed punch in the air. It was simple barbaric violence. Stan was covering his eyes - he didn't want to witness the violence. And his sane side didn't want to witness Kenny's parents unravelling each other's shirts.

Kenny sat down next to his freind and poked him with his elbow, "What the hell's wrong, Stan? Your parents fight all the time." he said.

"Yeah, but they never slap eachother or undress eachother in reataliation in front of the child- aww awwh!" Stan covered his eyes again as Mrs. McCormick's bra strap was exposed from her sleeve being competely gone. Cartman sat on the other side of Kenny and laughed at Stan covering his face.

"Jesus Christ Stan, you're such a fucking pansy. Can't handle a little violence! Hey look Kinney's mom is getting Kinney's dad's shirt off!"

A pair of faces turned up in the window, both grinning, "Hahaha, Cartman's gay, hahaha." Kevin went up to the window and slammed his firsts against it, Bill and Fosse running off giggling while Stan rolled his eyes at Cartman.

"You're such a homo Cartman, don't look at that." Stan nosebridgepinched.

"Ay! No I'm not, I was looking at Kinney's mom, she's like half naked i-its hawt." The entire McCormick children all stopped what they were doing and started at Cartman, who's chubby face was redder than a tomato. "What?"

"That's my wife you little asshole!" Stuart glared, forgiving and forgetting, "Come on Carol, go change." His wife simply nodded and did so, trying to hide as much of herself as possible. As their parents leaft, dead silence overtook everyone. Stan taking his hands off his face and looking around.

"Gee, nice one fatass." Stan rolled his eyes. Stan and Cartman scanned the home out of boredom when suddenly Cartman burst out laughing.

"Your tree is so fucking small and crappy!" Cartman laughed, getting up and examining it, "Isn't this that one that was in front of the grocery store and went missing?" Cartman roared with laughter, "Oh my God, I knew you poor assholes were thieves! I knew it! Maybe you guys can steal something useful, like some cheesy poofs or snacky smores, or you know something that's not a lame Christmas tree."

"My brother said he paid for it!" Kenny defended automatically, as if such a response had been embedded in his brain at the wait for some code word.

"You believe that shit Kenny? We don't pay for nothin' around here." Kevin said, munching on his burnt popcorn.

"Kevin Jesus, don't you have any decency!? We need to take it back." Kenny said, getting up, eyes narrowed. Despite his family's poorness, Kenny refused to let his family become a group of criminals. He dedicated his life to helping people and fighting for peace and justice - stealing Christmas trees does not fall under peace, justice, or helpfulness. It might fall under fighting but that was beside the point.

"Karen wanted a tree." Kevin pointed to the shy, quiet little girl behind him, who was peering out with green eyes and a small but innocent frown. She had long dirty blonde hair like her older brother and father.

"I don't care Kevin, it's still not right, we have to take it back!" Kenny protested. Lightening striking outside as if on cue.

"No Kenny!" Kevin replied. The little girl Karen just backed from her brothers and went to the corner with a teddy bear and an old doll that looked as if it had been built decades ago that now lacked hair and was missing at least one limb. She felt bad for starting the argument, too young to understand the blame game of her elders.

"Yes Kevin!" Kenny gave out that piercing glare - yes, THAT one.

Cartman, happy to no longer be the center of attention, sat down by Stan, "At least they won't be undressing each other in the middle of THEIR argument, heh?"

"...you'd like that to happen, wouldn't you fatass?"

"Oh pf, you're just PMSing cause your boyfriend Kahl isn't around." Cartman said, looking about, "Godammit, you people can't even afford cheesy poofs? I'm starving!"

The actual, single, straight Kyle Broflovski was at home, fresh from Toy Safari, his family having rushed home just before the storm began. He had gotten a few items for his friends, and was currently divided in which present to give his friend Stan. He had a Shane Fond action figure and a MacDonald Toys brand remote-controlled Jeep he knew was on all of his friends' Christmas lists. He'd also gotten some cheaper stuff for his other friends, but right now he was trying to decide what to give Stan.

He knew Stan wanted the car, and it was a pretty sweet toy - it was accurate and it was one of the fastest commercially available remote control cars. Plus the commercial said it could work on all terrain and something about assembly lines required. Whatever. On the other hand, he remembered Stan had really liked that Shane Fond figure, it had been on top of his Christmas list, and unlike the car, he didn't see fatass or Kenny asking for it. On the other hand, it was a cheaper toy and it was only an action figure. But it felt more personal.

Kyle's deep, deep thoughts were suddenly interrupted, "Kyle, your Uncle Murray, Cousin Kyle and Uncle Joseph will be here soon, you be on your best behavior young man!"

"All right, mom!"

"And for the love of God, don't say anything to Uncle Joseph about Christmas. He's so paranoid when it comes to you Kyle, he's afraid you won't end up an orthadox Jew like him."

"Aw ma, don't worry, I'll be fine!" Kyle said, returning to the gifts. Maybe he should give Kenny the figure? No, Kenny didn't like the Shane Fond movies much... but he couldn't give Kenny the car, it would make Stan think he liked Kenny better. Maybe he should-

"KYLE, GET THE DOOR!" came his mother's voice as he rushed out, unlocked and opened the door.

"Why Kyle 2, how are you my boy?" said Uncle Murray as he, his son and his brother entered.

"Hi Uncle Murray, Uncle Joseph, Cousin Kyle." Kyle greeted nervously.

"Hi Kyle 1... oh, you won't believe it, Bennigan's won't accept my coupons!" Cousin Kyle sighed, "And worse, my stocks are done a whole 0.000000001%! I'm going to go bankrupt!"

"That... sucks." Kyle said, with little idea what his cousin meant.

"Kyle, sit with us, talk with us." Murray took his nephew and sat him with them on the couch, "How've you been, boy-o, it's been a while?" Murray was a man in his fifties with gray hair under a blue yamulke, having a gray mustache and a large nose and wearing a tie and a business shirt, looking just like a stereotypical Jew. Cousin Kyle worsened the stereotype with curly brown hair in a small jewfro - not quite to the legend of Kyle's - with tiny eyes behind enormous glasses, and a tubby frame. Uncle Joseph had a hooked nose that made him look like a bird, with a scowling face and curly black hair under a black yamulke, wearing an outfit that looked like he'd been to a funeral.

"Uhh... well I was trying to pick out a Christmas present for my friend Sta-"

"Christmas?" Joseph roared as he got up, "You pagan! I knew your mother would corrupt your true and pure Jewish teachings! That woman... I knew I shouldn't have let my son marry a Jersey-"

"What what what!?" Sheila walked out of the kitchen with her husband, "What's going on here?"

"Well Sheila, it appears your son is still celebrating the pagan holiday about the talking shit!"

"Pagan holiday!" Gerald said, "His best friend's a Christian, and mine was in High School, too! I don't remember any of you objecting to Stuart!"

"That was different! You didn't buy him Christmas presents!"

"Up your's, Joseph." Gerald said, Sheila trying to move in the middle.

"Please, please, don't fight." she interrupted, "Why don't we all just have some latkes?" suddenly Kyle snapped his fingers, everyone turning,

"Oh crap sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I just figured out a solution - I'll give Stan both the Christmas presents." The various Jews around him then returned to their previous actions of arguing.

Stan stood as he looked out the dingy window pressing his nose to the glass. "It's really coming down out there, I can hardly see. I hope we aren't stuck here over night."

"FFF I don't want to sleep over a Kinny's house... I wonder if this is on purpose again. I wonder what poor people disease our parents want us to catch from them now. This crappy shack looks like it was built by a retard and a Jew."

"...well, a Jew WAS involved." Kenny noted.

"Kinney, you're Jewish?"

"Well yeah kind of but that's not the point..."

"Dude, if you're Jewish why the hell are we bringing you Christmas presents!?" Stan said. Kenny merely facepalmed.

"KIND OF."

"Yeah I bet the Jews set it up for us to be stuck here on Chirstmas eve as well, just mad our holiday is superior. Fucking jews, controlling everything."

Stan turned around. "I'm pretty sure the weather is not the jewish populations fault dude... why are you so bent on hating Jews anyway?" Stan asked

"That's what they want you to believe Stan, you're just blinded from hanging around Kahl too long." Cartman took a deep breath happy to go on a long jew hating tirade without stupid Kahl to inturrupt him when Stuart and Carol returned, clothes changed and bottles of beer in their hands.

"Kinny, can your dad drive me and Stan home or something?"

"Sorry kid, our car's been busted since about the Fourth of July." Kevin and Kenny stopped glaring at eachother and Kevin smiled.

"Yeah it makes a good guest bedroom when mom kicks dad out of bed when she's pissed off."

Kenny finally cracked a small smile and laughed as well, "Oh yeah, its nicer than my room, less vermin." Kenny sighed and grabbed a few gifts and started placing them under the tree.

"I guess it'll do for now, it's Christmas Eve after all and the weather is terrible. but first thing after Chistmas you go back to the grocery store and return it and apologize. Okay Kevin?"

"Sure dude." Kenny placed a few more gifts under the tree and grabbed a shiny metal oranment, shining it up with his hoodie sleeve, above the lighting cracked again and the lights dimmed as a few sparks flew out of the tree, Kenny jumped back and the room went completely dark.

"Oh my god-" Stan began.

"No dude I'm fine, just can't see shit." Kenny replied.

"Oh" Stan said

"goddammit carol where are the emerency flashlights i can't see shit in here." Stuart complained

Carol quickly grabbed a lighter out of her pocket and lit a candle on the table and lit a cigarette at the same time.

"Well, now what?" Kenny mumbled.

Cartman started groaning "God, worst Christmas ever - trapped in crappy house with Kenny's crappy family and my asshole friend Stan when I have a decent treeful of presents at home and cookies and pie and cartoons GOD I HATE YOU GUYS." Cartman ducked as not one but two wrapped gifts flew at his head. Both Kenny and Stuart glared at him angrilly. Carol took a drag of the cigarette and pulled her daughter close.

"I know how ya feel sometimes kid, ya know I di'n't used to live like this. Sometimes its crazy where ya end up in life." Carol took a sip from a bottle of scotch.

"What do you mean?" Cartman asked, "How do you end up in a fucking shitty ass one-story house with three bedrooms, one bathroom, two closets, a living room, and a kitchen, with a bunch of empty cabinents, a few boxes of frozen waffles, a black-and-white TV-"

"We bought a new TV months ago!" Kenny said.

"- a ColecoVision, a bunch of sleeping bags, one actual bed, and somehow, somehow, wardrobes for five people. How? HOW do you end up like THAT?"

"When I was jus' a kid I lived in Hollywood, Callihforny. Ronald and Helen Walsh were their names, and I was an only child. Dad was an actor, a big-time one. Why, he was boomin' in the early eighties... almost made it into _Back to the Future_ as that Doctor guy, but mom was pregnant at the time, had to pull out." she began, "My mom was a fashion model with a thing fer fur coats, 'specially mink. We owned the biggest mansion ya ever done seen, and you could get los' in there. I sure did. And nobody'd find me fer hours cause my parents were so busy... they barely even noticed me..."

"You were... rich? What the hell are you doing here?" Stan asked.

"When I was twelve I was at a party." Carol explained, "And you know, I was young and lonely, no parents 'round or nothin'. So I put on my shortes' dress, one of my mom's fur coats and went to a party not far off. And I saw a guy there givin' me the eye an' next thing ya know I wake up naked with Stuart over here and puked my brains out. My parents disowned me as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I haven't heard about dad in years, but I hear mom's been doing pin-ups again."

"Dude... that is-" Stan began.

"Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame." Cartman noted.

Stan smacked Cartman on the side of the face. "No not lame, that's kind fo cool about your dad but how."

"Let me finish!" Carol said, taking another swig. The McCormick children lined up and sat with more burnt popcorn, eager to hear more tales of granny and grampa.

"I love hearin' old stories." Kevin said, Karen nodding quietly.

"My family was religious ya see, so the first place I thought to go fer help was the Church, but nobody would help me besides a young man named Sebastian. He tried to give us financial support, he had a good heart the man, but he just didn't have the money to help us out. I didn't run into him again for a couple years, didn't even know it was him at first, he goes by Father Maxi now, hates when you call him by his first name." Carol took another drink, "I gave birth to Kevin at Hell's Pass Hospital on a cold November morning."

"Your lives suck." Cartman said, "You should just all kill yourselves!" Kenny turned around, when back by the couch, and popped Cartman in the cheek, "OW KINNEY DON'T BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!"

xXx

Randy and Sharon Marsh were responsible parents, dressed nicely for Christmas, wearing Santa hats, Randy wearing a fake Santa beard and Sharon wearing a hand-knitted Christmas sweater given to her by her son's little friend's mother. Because they were such responsible parents they were currently watching _Christmas Vacation_ at eight pm on Christmas Eve without knowing where their son Stan was. That was until quite suddenly a girl of thirteen years stood in front of them wearing her normal clothes, the only change being a santa hat, "Where's the turd?" she said with a scowl.

"You mean Stan? He left to drop something off at his friend Kenny's house."

"Dad, that was two hours ago! If Stan's not here, how am I supposed to deal with my anger?" Randy and Sharon exchanged looks of confusion. Randy looked at his watch,

"Oh wow it has been a while hasn't it? Sharon, call the Broflovskis, maybe Stan's with his little friend Kyle. I mean they're Jewish, they can't possibly be busy today. Don't worry Shelly, you'll have your brother to vent to soon enough."

"This damn movie always seems to get me tied up, it feels like it's only been minutes." Sharon said, picking up the phone and dialing the Broflovskis' number.

"I can't believe nobody's AROUND. They must all be celebrating Christmas. We could do whatever we want, dude!" Kyle told his younger brother Ike as they looked out the window at their town, not a person or car in sight, all shops closed. They were trying to ignore the chaos a few feet away as Joseph and Gerald, fighting furiously attacked the furniture. Sheila and Murray were tossing each other into walls. Cousin Kyle was sitting on the couch complaining about his stocks or something. The Broflovski Family Reunion banner was torn to shreds. Ike smiled, "So Ike, what have you always wanted to do when nobody was around?" Ike and Kyle thought, then pointed at each other as the idea simultaneously popped into their minds, "I got it."

Kyle's mother Sheila, however, broke from the fight, Joseph stopping as if nothing happened, and took the phone, "Hello Sharon, what is it? Hold on a minute - GERALD, GET DAD OUT OF THE BATHROOM, HE'S BEEN IN THERE FOR TWENTY MINUTES NOW... GERALD, TELL HIM TO JUST USE A GARBAGE BAG! I'm sorry Sharon, you were saying?"

"Is Stanley over there?" Sharon asked via the other line.

"Oh no. Is he missing?" Sheila asked, "Kyle and Ike were just going down to play at Stark's Pond. Kyle's such a good brother, he's even grabbing take toliet paper in case Ike makes ookies."

"Yes, he and his little friend Eric left a few hours ago to stop by that... orange boy's house and I haven't seen them in hours... don't let Kyle go out, there's a fierce storm outside, he'd get hurt. I even heard someone saw lightening by the McCormick house."

"What what what!? Those poor kids! That house doesn't even have a heater does it! Oh, we'll have to go pick them up!"

"Sheila, do you have any idea how harsh that blizzard is?"

"Sharon, I-" Sheila felt a tug at her skirt, "Hold on." she turned away, "What is it, Kyle?" she said to her son.

"Mom, I know it's cold outside and stuff, but can you drive me and Ike to Cartman's? We were thinking we could drop off some Christmas presents and maybe help clean up his house." Kyle put up his most sincere and charming smile. "Dad seems to have Uncle Joseph under control." Kyle motioned to his father, who was trying to tie up a large man with a hooked nose crying out something about CHRISTMAS, with Kyle's cousin Kyle helping out.

"Uh, okay Kyle, I guess if it's for a good cause I can drop you off at Eric's house." Sheila put back on the phone, "Look Sharon, how about I get the kids? I have to drop Kyle off Liane's for a while anyway, then I'll pick up the boys and drop them off at your house, is that okay?"

"Thank you Sheila, I really appreciate it, me and Randy still have to wrap some presents for Stan and Shelly. Has Kyle bought Stan a present yet? I knew he was having trouble..."

"Yes, he bought one earlier, poor bubbe got so stressed over it... all right Sharon, I'll get ready. Talk to you later."

"Thanks Sheila." Sharon hung up, as did Sheila.

"All right kids, get your coats on."

"Uh, mom, I'm always wearing my coat. We live in Colorado."

"Figure of speech, bubbe, help Ike get his on, let's get to the car."

xXx

Stuart McCormick was drinking heavily again, holding a beer in one hand as his wife finished her story and his son popped his friend, "Hey, it wasn't my idea to go to that stupid church." Stuart said, "See, my parents didn't give a fuck about religion. My grandparents immigrated here from Ireland in the forties because all of their potatoes died and in Ireland, potatoes were really important. So we moved from Kilkenny to Denver, and then my parents were born there in the fifties. I don't remember what happened to my mom, I think she became a prostitute or something, but my dad was a dick."

"H-he's actually not lying. His dad was a deadbeat drunken loser and-" Carol began, taking a sip of her own scotch.

"Hey, can we have something to drink too, I'm parched!" Cartman interrupted.

"Yeah, I'll go get you kids some hot water." Carol said, entering the kitchen. After what felt like hours - but was in fact approximately three minutes and twenty-four seconds - she returned with a cracked plate, upon which were several cups of hot water that looked child-size. Whether children's cups were all they could afford, or they genuinely had gotten five cups for their children, nobody questioned. Each of the McCormick children took a cup, as did Cartman and Stan before Carol returned to her husband's side, "Anyway... I'll let you tell them Stu."

"I don't... want to talk much about my father... but when me and my brother Luke were thirteen we ran off and went to Denver. Rumor had it was he looking for us so we hopped on a train car and jumped off in a quiet little white bread redneck mountain town. We were able to find a crappy motel to stay in for a few months while I started High School and met Gerald Broflovski."

"Dude, that's Kyle's dad." Stan said.

"We were the best of friends. Ate lunch together, worked on homework together, we were even building a clubhouse. A big old nice one too, better than those pussy treehouses you kids build now. It was on a big old vacant lot that nobody wanted anything to do with because it was by the train tracks - too loud for anyone. My mom's house used to be there but apparently she died or something while we were with dad... That was our pride and joy that clubhouse, we even pulled out one of Gerald's dad's old black-and-white TVs to put in it. By the end of our junior year it had a roof on it. A crappy one, but a roof. Ah, good times."

"Whatever happened to that clubhouse?" Kevin asked.

"You're livin' in it."

"Anyway, we were having tensions in senior year, you know, I was slacking off cause we were seniors, and Gerald was obsessed with the Ghetto Avenue Boys, and by the end of the year, his grades were higher than ever and mine reached a new low. I ended up getting accepted for South Park Community College, and Gerald was going to Rutger's. We had a couple fights, and then I got stuck with our cheesing ring, and next thing I knew Barbrady was busting me for possession of drug parapha... parapha... whatever you call it. So I had to pay a fine, couldn't live in the motel and was living in that shitty old clubhouse. I fixed the thing up, and didn't see Gerald again for years. By the time I was 21, the place was all fine and dandy, and I even got Barbrady to watch it while I pursued my dreams in Hollywood... and then I got into a big Hollywood party... okay, I snuck in... and got drunk, and the next morning I woke up next to a twelve year old."

"Why can't my parents have a detailed in-depth backstory like this!?" Stan said.

"Haha, God likes Kinney more than you!"

"Me an' Stuart, after the whole Church thing, ended up takin' our res'dence here. The McElroys left us a fruit basket though."

"Yeah, nice family, although I still don't get how one kid was white and the other was black-"

"Wait, McElroy, you mean Chef?" Cartman piped up.

"Yep, Chef... think he said Jim was adopted. We got involved into Jim's club for a while but... had to leave it because of some, ahem, personal issues. And then Kenny was born a year later."

"Dude, Kenny, your parents are fucked up." Stan said.

"This is bullshit. It's eight-thirty on Christmas Eve, I'm sitting on a couch with cat piss stains, drinking hot water out of a four-year-old's cup, wearing a fucking Santa Claus hat, and there's fucking lightening outside in a SNOW STORM." Cartman whined. "I'm in a fucking clubhouse built by a Jew and a retard!"

"I am not a retard." Stuart said, tossing his empty beer can at Cartman and missing.

"In the ghettooo... on another cold Chicago morn, 'nother little baby child is born... in the ghettooooo... "

"Shut up!" Kevin said angrily, crossing his arms.

"Don't fuck with my brother Cartman, Kevin's a tough ass. He's like Stan's sister." Kenny said, chuckling before Kevin gave him a light hit on the shoulder. "Ow!"

"...are there more stories?" Karen asked quietly.

"What, you wanna hear about our wedding?" Stuart chuckled, "That was nothing. I got your mother a ring and we got married right after we found out about Kev here."

"...where'd you get a ring?" Kevin asked, "We can't afford cable, but you could afford a ring?" Carol raised an eyebrow, holding out her hand - it was a nice ring, too, with a large diamond.

"...the, uh, the diamond's fake, but... uhh..." Stuart scratched the back of his neck.

"I know how he got it..." Kenny got off the couch, glaring, "You fucking stole it!" Kenny pointed at his father accusingly.

"Kenny, you have to understand, this was twelve years ago, it was a different time!"

"Different time? Our economy was BETTER than, prices were LOWER!" Kenny said angrily, "Is my whole family just a bunch of pathetic, petty criminals?"

"Just think Kinney in another ten years that'll be you - a hardened criminal on the street." Cartman jeered. Kenny launched forward and grabbed Cartman by the scruff of his coat,

"You're the criminal, fatass! At least I didn't kill my own father you fat fuck!"

"Kenny Kenny calm down!" Stan said. "It's Christmas dude, come on." Kenny was near red, it was near impossible to ignore the voices in his head to beat the living shit out of Cartman's ignorant brain. But Kenny was strong that way. He stared angrily in to Cartman's eyes before landing a very HARD punch before letting him go.

"Just be lucky I didn't kill you on the fucking spot." He grumbled.

"How about we work on the tree?" Kevin suggested, brightening a bit. Kenny's brother had seemed cold and distant so far, but he seemed to soften as he stepped towards the crappy little Christmas tree, with limbs that seemed to be in the wrong spot and missing leaves. "Where are all the decorations?" Carol took a large box and opened it,

"Here they are... not a lot I know. Uhhh... Kinney's friends, you wanna help or somethin'?"

"PFffft I'd rather decorate my toilet..."Cartman groaned

"Dude, not cool!" Stan wouldn't normally want to help but it was Christmas and he was stuck here, and Kenny's family wasn't that bad, at least not as bad as his family "Sure I'll help." Kenny opened the box and took out some bulbs, hanging a few on the tree. Karen put a few on the bottom herself, while Stuart and Carol began putting some crappy lights on, most of which looked broken.

Cartman just sat on his fat ass and watched. Fat ass was seemingly the mere hybrid of Scrooge and the Grinch when it came to helping anyone especially since it meant missing out on his own Christmas. The tree was mostly done in a few minutes, aside Kenny getting trapped in the lights and nearly strangling himself before his brother freed him. "Yeah lets not hang yourself on Christmas Eve...though that might be hilarious.." Cartman jeering onward despite the large knot on his face delievered from Kenny's punch. Stuart lifted his daughter and Karen smiled as she put an angel holding a star on top of the tree. Despite being short and crappy, the tree held up the grand ornament.

"How about a song?" Kenny said.

"A song sounds perfect. OHHHHHHH..." Stuart began.

"Oh no... not a song..." even Stan facepalmed.

"You never get along, but you can sing a fucking song?"

"... _YOU BETTER NOT LAUGH."_ Stuart sang.

 _"YOU BETTER NOT CRY."_ Carol smiled.

 _"YOU BETTER NOT POUT 'CAUSE I'M TELLIN' YOU WHY..."_ Kevin continued. _"SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN!"_ the family sang together now, much to Stan and Cartman's chagrin.

 _"He sees you when you're sleeping..."_ Kenny sang through his hood.

 _"He knews when you're awake."_ Karen hugged her teddy bear.

 _"Oh, he knows when you've been bad or good..."_ Kevin sang.

 _"So be good for goodness' sake, ooohhhhhhh,"_ Stuart sang.

 _"YOU BETTER NOT LAUGH, YOU BETTER NOT CRY, YOU BETTER NOT POUT I'M TELLIN' YOU WHY, SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN."_ they sang together.

"...this is fuckin' weak..."Cartman mumbled.

xXx

"All right Kyle, have fun at Eric's!" Sheila Broflovski waved from her car as Kyle and Ike stood at the Cartman doorstep, waving back. She was proud of her son and his selfless holiday decision to tidy up his friend's house and drop off gifts in such tough weather.

"Bye Mom." they said as Sheila drove away. They turned and Kyle rang the doorbell impatiently, smirking. Ms. Liane Cartman answered, dressed in her usual blue shirt and red pants.

"Oh hello there Kyle. Eric isn't home right now."

"Oh okay... could I come in, I have some presents to drop off." Kyle asked.

"Oh all right." Liane nodded and moved aside to let them in, Kyle thanking her and going straight for the Christmas tree, dropping some gifts. "Would you boys like some milk and cookies?"

"That'd be great, Ms. Cartman, thanks! I love your cookies!" Liane laughed, her mind in the gutter - what did you expect of South Park's resident whore - noting that he was quite a handsome boy and if he was just a little older she might be tempted to make him a man...

"I'll get right on baking them. You can play with some of Eric's toys while you wait." Liane smiled and went to the kitchen while Kyle smiled, opened Cartman's video game cabinet and began trying to make the tough, tough choice between a Wii, an Xbox 360 and a PlayStation 3.

xXx

The McCormick parents as well as Kevin and Karen (who was sitting on her mother's lap) were sitting on the McCormick couch watching the credits roll on their favorite Christmas now it was nearing nine o' clock, "I'm gettin' pretty tired." Stuart said, "Storm let up yet?"

"A little." Kevin said, checking the window.

"All right Kenny, me and your mother have to take your sister to bed." He picked up young Karen, who was trying to squirm out of her father's grasp, eager to escape and stay awake, "Call your grandpa and wish him a happy birthday and entertain your friends, okay?"

"Your grandpa's birthday is on Christmas? That's lame." Cartman muttered.

"It's a long story." Kenny said before going to the phone and dialling a number.

"I can't believe Kinney only has a fucking VCR. How does he even watch movies?" Cartman laughed, "He only has like four videos that aren't recorded by the family... hm, what's this?"

"It says _The Spirit of Christmas;_ Leopold Stotch, 2008. Huh." Stan thought as their thoughts were interrupted by a loud cry of,

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAMPA!" from Kenny's muffled voice. Stan shrugged and simply inserted the video into the VCR. A grainy image came up saying 'THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS' as they heard the voice of a younger Butters Stotch say the title.

 _"Fellas, I got the camera. Uh, a-and action!" he said as a grainy, snowy wonderland appeared on the screen. The camera moved around, shaking a bit as it focused on four boys around a small snowman made tradtionally with three large snowballs for the body and head, with eyes, a mouth and buttons made of cool and stick arms. "Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul, with a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal... there must've been some magic in the old silk hat he wore, for when they placed it on his-"_

As the kids sang, Kenny sat back next to his friends, "What are you guys watching?"

"The Spirit of Christmas." Stan said, "I think I remember this now..."

 _"Dude!" called a seven-year-old instantly recognizable Stan Marsh, black hair sticking out from under his poofball hat. The younger Stan was shorter and had a whinier voice._

 _"What?" said the boy in the yellow cap, around the same age._

"Is that Kyle? Where's his green duck cap?" Stan asked.

"I don't know, maybe it was at the dry cleaner's." Cartman laughed his ass off. "Who's the stupid fat kid?"

"Cartman, that's _you_."

 _"Don't put the magic hat on the snowman!" cried the young Stan._

 _"Why?" Kyle asked._

 _"'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to life!"_

 _Kyle thought long and hard - a few seconds by seven-year-old standards, "Cool!"_

 _"No, it's not cool! My sister - in, in Minnesota - put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!"_

"Stan, you have a sister in Minnesota?"

"No, Shelly was out of town that week in Minnesota visiting Aunt Flo." Stan said.

 _Kyle became impatient, "Fuck him! Let's do it anyway!"_

 _"Yeah." said the boy in the orange parka, which was quite large on the child, revealing a nose and mouth that a year later would no longer be visible on Kenny._

 _"They're must've been some magic in that old felt hat they found, for when they placed it on his head-" the boys sang merrily as they placed the hat onto the snowman's head. Immediatly, the hat began spinning and the snowman's face assumed an angry, growling look. Tentacles sprouted from underneath it as they reached forward and grabbed the poor little hooded kid and-_

The grainy film was suddenly too grainy for them to tell what happened. "Aw, dude, what happened?" Stan said, "What happened to Kenny?"

"Yeah, I don't remember what happened to Kenny that night myself." Both boys looked to their friend.

Kenny sighed, "...it's a long story. You guys wouldn't understand."

"Kenny, we-"

"Shut up you guys, it's back!" Cartman pointed as the scene returned, Stan and Kyle now sitting in the snow near the town.

 _"Dude, I told you not to put the fuckin' hat on Frosty's fuckin' head, now didn't I?" Stan came by and yelled._

 _"Well I'm sorry Mr. Rocket fucking Scientist! What are we supposed to do now?"_

 _"I don't know what we're supposed to do," Stan said, "Wait, I bet HE can help us!" Stan rushed away towards the South Park botique, Cartman and Kyle following him._

 _"Who?" Outside of the boutique was a large 'throne' upon which sat a plump jolly man with a large white beard, a fuzzy white cap, and wearing white-and-red robes - this is Santa Claus. Perched on his lap was a little girl with longe black hair in a pink beret, wearing a purple coat._

 _"Ho ho ho little girl, what would you like for Christmas?" he said._

 _"Well Santa, see, there's this boy, his name is-" the boys quickly ran over, "Ah!" she fell off Santa's lap and into the snow, and insult was added to injury as Stan puked all over her._

 _"Sorry Wendy!" he said, "Save us! Save us! Fuckin' save us! Save us!" he and the other four yelled._

 _"Whoa, whoa. Now tell me what happened slooowly," Santa said._

 _"Okay. We were just building a snowman...and all of a sudden... it came to life!" Kyle explained._

 _"I told him. I said 'Don't put the magic hat... on the snowman...' and he did it anyways... and... and then he..."_ the film became grainy again, "Godammit we need to ask Butters what the hell's wrong with his stupid camera..." the real Stan muttered before the scene rolled back, _"..and now he's gonna kill EVERYBODY!"_

 _"Did he look kind of like this?" Santa growled, his eyes going wild, his mouth being wide with sharp teeth, and tentacles spurting from his back._

 _"Yeah, kinda like that..." Stan smiled. Santa's hat came off, and the beard disappeared and it was quite apparent of Santa's true identity._

 _"Mm-hm, exactly." Kyle noted as Frosty's tentacles tossed Cartman away, the fat boy being stuck in the snow near some kind of rat-covered mass. The kids' eyes widened, realizing their mistake, "AAAH!" and they quickly fled, Stan pulling Wendy away._

 _"You know, I don't think that was the real Santa Claus," Kyle complained._

 _"No shit sherlock! You know, thanks to you there's not gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us."_

 _"Oh Christ." Wendy said listening to Stan and Kyle argue._

 _"Wait... Jesus!" They all lit up with the idea._

The boys watching the film laughed, "Did I really used to be that fat?" Cartman said.

"Yeah, you're even fatter now." Kenny laughed.

"I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body." Cartman growled, "I'd kick your ass if I wasn't laughing so hard right now."

"Shut up this is the best part." Stan said.

 _"Jesus we beseech thee in times of need..." the younger Stan said to a natvity scene by the botique. It was a simple one, with people and animals missing, but baby Jesus was there and that's all that was important._

 _"OK. Fucking Frosty, he fuckin' killed-" Kyle began explaining while Stan yelled in anger as stars appeared and the manger glowed..._

 _"Dude!"_

 _"...our friend..." Kyle continued._

 _"Dude! This is Jesus! You don't say 'Fuck' in front of Jesus!"_

 _"Is that so!" the boys' attention was diverted to the manger as Jesus appeared - brown hair and full beard and mustache, his normal face, with a baby's body. "Go Jesus!" both boys called as Jesus left his manger and went in search of Frosty. As soon as the titans met, Jesus simply threw his halo, sliced apart the wicked snowman, and killed him. "Our Savior!" they yelled as Jesus returned to the manger to rest up..._

 _"Phew," Stan remarked._

 _"That sucked." Kyle replied._

 _"I'm sure glad that's over with," Stan added._

 _"Yeah, but you know, I learned something today." Kyle turned to his friend smiling._

 _"Yeah - don't put the magic hat on Frosty!" Stan repremanded._

 _"No... I learned about the true Spirit of Christmas."_

 _"Really?"_

 _"Yeah... Christmas isn't about Frosty or Santa." Kyle explained as Wendy and Cartman rejoined them._

 _"You're right. It's about Jesus." Stan said, correcting his young Jewish friend and smiling._

 _"No no, it's not even about Jesus, either." Stan's smile faded._

 _"Well then what's it all about?"_

 _"Presents." Kyle put simply, smiling and turning his head._

 _"Oooooooooh!" Stan exclaimed._

 _"Ya see?"_

 _"Yeah."_

 _"Presents." Kyle repeated._

 _"Hey man, let's go home. I know where my parents hide my presents!" Stan exclaimed with happiness._

 _"Cool!" Kyle followed Stan as they trotted away with their friends..._

 _"T-the end." mumbled the young Butters as he held up a card with 'tHE EnD,' written on it._

"Dude, I remember that!" Stan said. "The good old days..."

"Yeah... dude, Frosty was fucked up." Cartman noted. Stuart and Carol returned, both in their pajamas with Stuart's hat looking lopsided

"All right Kevin and Karen are in bed and we're in our pajamas. Storm's going down, too... hey, you kids hear something?" Stuart said, looking around.

"I think I hear it, too." Carol said, hands meeting near her neck, her eyes looking around in fear.

"Did Santy Claus come?" Karen walked out, holding a teddy bear and in pajamas, eyes squinting. Kevin also walked out and as always, the McCormick home door fell straight down. The large figure of Sheila Broflovski stood there, entering with hands on her hips as if she'd just saved someone's life. Cold seeped in worse than before, but the blizzard seemed to go down and there was no hail.

"Sorry about your door." Sheila said, "All right Eric, Stan, we're going home soon."

"Well it was nice havin' you boys for the night." Carol said.

"What the hell are you talking about? The fat one just whined the whole time!" Stuart said.

"Stuart, it's Chris'mas, can't we just preten' we enjoyed it?"

"I'm terribly sorry. Um, Merry Christmas to you." Sheila said awkwardly, being Jewish and not knowledgable of this whole Christmas thing. "Poor dears..."

"Yeah, I should get home 'cause you know I learned something today... Christmas isn't about Santa, or Frosty, or Jesus... or even presents or giving. Christmas is about family. It's that one day of the year when you're more than just a bunch of poor idiots stuck together against your will. It's about sitting around and singing and decorating a Christmas tree and just being nice, even when things really suck. That's what the McCormicks taught me - even though their lives are so fucking lame that I'd kill myself in their position, they still have the heart to pretend for just one day a year that it's all okay." Stuart and Carol exchanged worried, confused glances, "I can't wait to get home and spend my Christmas with my mom."

"How mature of you, Eric. Come on, let's get in the car." Sheila said when Kyle and Ike appeared at her feet.

"Hi mom, we finished."

"Kyle!" Stan smiled, ran forward and hugged his best friend happily, with Cartman simply laughing and pointing.

"Merry Christmas you guys." Kyle said. The kids all turned to Kenny.

"Thanks for keeping us safe at your house, Kenny. Even if it was cold as fuck at least we didn't get hurt." Stan said. Kenny nodded.

"Anytime you guys. Merry Christmas." Stan and Kyle waved goodbye and joined Kyle's mom in the car.

"...adios, you poor pieces of shit." Cartman waved before joining them.

"Cartman, you just made that speech up so you could get home quicker, didn't you?"

"...yes Stan, yes I did." Cartman admitted as the car finally left and began heading home.

"All right kids, your friends are gone, now everyone get in bed or Santa might not come this year!" Stuart threatened.

"Santa's a goddamn cheapskate if he doesn't come two years in a row." Kevin hopped down the hallway, followed by his sister and brother.

"All right, the kids are taken care of... when do I unwrap my present?" Stuart winked at his wife who rolled her eyes.

"Tomorrow Stuart, I'm tired."

"Aw, dammit."

xXx

A loud blaring alarm went off in the Stotch household at 7am on the morning of December Twenty-fifth. Butters Stotch hopped up, ran to the bathroom and brushed his teeth and sang a song about not wanting cavities before going to his room, getting dressed and walking to the Christmas tree, sitting down, smiling and waiting for his parents to awake. They'd taught him not to wake them up. So he waited patiently...

Stan woke up quietly, fresh off a dream about him and his girlfriend going camping, and looked at his alarm clock - 7:15am. Christmas morning! He smiled, hopping off the bed and rushing to his parents' room, knocking. He was answered by his father, who had a grin on his face, his hair messy, still wearing his pajamas, "Shaaron! It's Christmas!" he called. The Marsh family quickly gathered and went down the stairs, crouching by their tree and smiling as Stan took the first present, wrapped in reindeer, and handed it to his father, "From Sharon, to Randy..." he quickly unwrapped, it "Ah! A new watch, kickass!" Randy hugged his wife as Stan handed him another box, "This one's from Stan..." he tore the wrapping paper away as he came face to face with a new leather coat, "Aw, thanks Stan!"

"Any time, dad!" Stan said as Shelly passed another large box, Randy tearing it open,

"Shelly! A new coffee maker! This is exactly what I wanted!" Randy hugged the box as his daughter rolled her eyes and took her gifts. "Open mine first!"

"Shadie Dakota: The Complete Firsht Sheashon!?" Shelly smiled, "Thanksh dad!" she put it on the table and tore open the next gift, from Stan, "Britney Shpearsh' _Shircush_? ...uhhh, thanksh turd." she said, placing it carefully on the table, not willing to admit her appreciation.

"All right, all right, now mine." Sharon insisted as Shelly tore off some snowman wrapping paper to access a new purple dress. She smiled a bit, "Do you like it?" Sharon asked.

"Yeah, it's great." Shelly reported, "Now open mine!" Sharon didn't need much effort to open Shelly's gift - a mystery novel. "I knew you liked her lasht one, sho I tried to get you the new one." Sharon thanked her and turned to her gift from her son, revealing a shoe box under Mr. Hankey wrapping paper - inside were two simple, brand new shoes.

"Thank you, Stanley! I've been needing some new shoes!"

"Yeah I know, dad took me to P- uh, the store, and I bought them myself." Stan smiled "Oooh, open dad's!" Sharon quickly unwrapped Randy's before opening a box revealing... a lingerie. She picked up the lacy black bra, a partially transparent cloth hanging below. There were bottoms she didn't even want to look at. "What the hell is that?" Stan asked in surprise.

"Nothing Stanley." Sharon put it away and glared at Randy a bit, who had a look on his face that made her question her marriage for the millionth time, even though she knew that'd be put to rest soon, somehow. "All right Stanley, open your gifts... my, you have a lot this year!" Stan took up more than a quarter of the tree, his family gifts wrapped in identical Santa Claus-themed wrapping paper. His friends' had put their's in various gift bags. Stan quickly unwrapped a large rectangle from his father,

"Wow, a John Elway action doll!? For real!? I've been wanting one of these all year!" Stan smiled, his father smiling back, happy he'd picked a good gift. Sharon was a bit annoyed at her son not thanking his father as he went for her gift, a smaller rectangle that Stan hugged when he discovered it was the game Empire: Total War. "And Shelly got me... uh, a scarf? Nice." Stan lied as he looked at a scarf that he'd probably like more if it wasn't from his sister. "Thanks you guys." he said, quelling his mother as he went for the bag from his friend Kenny, which was torn and ragged, "Oh, some ramen, cool..."

He went for the next item, the only friend-wrapped gift - Butters had tenderly wrapped his present in snowflake paper. Stan unwrapped a copy of _Call of Duty: Black Ops_ for the Microsoft Xbox 360, "Kickass!" he cheered with glee, then going to his girlfriend's bag, which had hearts on it - it was a pretty kickass T-shirt, and Stan would swear on his life he was not just saying that because it was given to him by the love of his life. Finally, a huge bag from his super best friend in the entire universe Kyle - he took both toys out at the same time - a remote-controlled all-terrain Jeep from MacDonald toys AND that expensive deluxe Shane Fonda action figure with quick draw action. "Dude! I gotta give Kyle like four thank-you cards for all this!" Stan said.

"There's one gift left, Stanley." Randy smiled as they took the last small present, "You give it..." he handed it to Stan, who turned away,

"Sparky! Sparky, here boy!" The dog approached, wagging his tail madly, wearing his pink bandana as Stan unwrapped the item and tossed it to him, Sparky quickly hopping up to bite the chewtoy. "Merry Christmas Sparky!"

xXx

Butters Stotch was still sitting by the tree, now having been up for forty-five minutes. His belly gurgled for food, but he sat patiently, knowing his good ol' parents would be up at any moment. Then they'd open their presents together. It'd all be one of those picture perfect Christmases. He wondered if jolly old Father Christmas himself Santy Claus had stopped by...

The Broflovski family sat at a long table as they ate their breakfast. The Schwartz sat on one side with Uncle Murrary and Uncle Joseph, who'd calmed down over the whole Christmas thing over some earl gray tea and Shakespeare. Opposite them sat the Broflovski family itself, Sheila smiling at her little bubbe, "Oh Kyle, I'm so proud of how charitable you've been, spending your free time yesterday tidying up Eric's house. Liane called up even to tell me what a good boy you were. I hope Eric enjoys his presents."

"Thanks mom. I left him the presents he deserved, don't worry." Kyle smiled, him and Ike exchanging smirks.

xXx

Butters gently pounded his fists together, it was almost eight-thirty now - maybe his parents had simply forgotten it was Christmas? Yeah, maybe that was it. Would they mind if he watched TV? Oh right, no TV when mom and dad are asleep... maybe he could open one present without them? No, no, that'd be bad...

"Mam, mam!" Eric Cartman was dressed in a Christmas sweater with a sleigh and reindeer, not wearing a hat, his hair nice and combed as he rocked his mother awake, "Maaam, it's Christmas!"

"Mm, morning hon." Liane got up, stretching, "Give mommy a few minutes to get dressed and freshen up." she said, holding the blanket over herself as Cartman left, waiting eagerly but impatiently. Liane put a robe on over a red silk nightgown, she pulled the UltraVibe 3000 out from her blanket and placed it in her closet, then went downstairs to find Eric shaking his presents, "All right Eric, open away." she smiled as her son tore open the first present in record time.

"Fuckin' A! A PlayStation Move! Awesome!" he cheered, tossing it aside and moving to the next one, "Hell yeah, a Kinect!" he explained as he tore the unwanted, clearly in the way paper away, "Oooh, Kinectimals!" he said, opening the individual items now, "Dance Central? Godammit, mom what are you trying to tell me? Were you gonna get me fucking slim fast?" Liane sighed and sat on the couch. "Here mam, here's your present!" Cartman said, puttong on his innocent face as he handed her a poorly wrapped gift.

She smiled and opened it to reveal an umbrella. It was cheap, but she appreciated when her poopekins got her anything. "Thank you poopekins, you're so considerate of mommy! Merry Christmas!"

"Shut up and help me hook this Kinect up."

xXx

"Butters, I told you not to fucking talk to daddy until he's had his fucking coffee!" It was nine-thirty-four in the morning, and Stephen Stotch was already telling at his son as he pressed the 'on' button for his coffee maker, wearing a dirty stained robe. His hair was messy and he had a death glare on his son, who was so happy with Christmas cheer, he just pounded his little fists.

"Aw, dad, I got you so many presents this year, it'll be swell!"

"Go bother your mother, I need my coffee, Butters!" Butters nodded and went to his mother, who was in her pajamas still, not wearing her usual makeup, her hair looking messy as well.

"Good morning Butters." she said kindly to her son.

"Merry Christmas mom!" he hugged her, Linda taken aback,

"Oh, uh, merry Christmas Butters..." she said distantly as Butters pulled her to the tree. Stephen joined them after a moment. "Who's going first?" Stephen mumbled and opened something,

"Thank you Linda... I've always wanted weights..." he said with annoyance before going to a gift from Butters, "Oh, a new robe? Thank you, Butters." he sighed, "Oh, what's this?" he opened his next gift from Butters quickly and carelessly "...another tie. Just what I need, another tie! You're grounded Butters!" he commanded.

"Awh, shucks... can I at least open my presents, dad?"

"After your mother! Go on, Linda." Stephen commanded. Linda nervously opened a small box from Stephen. "Do you like it!?"

"Of course I do, it's a very nice ring, Stephen." Linda said, before unwrapping something from Butters. She smiled as she took out a nice, elegant pink dress, "Thank you Butters." she said genuinely as she looked it over.

"Of course, mom. Don't forget the other one!" Linda nodded and took out another small gift, unwrapping a manicure kit, "D-do you like it mom? I was trying to be r-r-real careful this year, honest!"

"It's great Butters." she hugged her son, "Where's Butters' present, Stephen?" she asked.

"Right here." Stephen tossed a card towards Butters, who picked it up and smiled.

"Wohoo! A gift card to Toy Safari - gosh, it's a whole ten dollars, too!"

"There's another present under the tree..." Linda said, raising an eyebrow.

"Santa!" There was a faint twinkle in Butters' Stotch eye as he grabbed a large box, wrapped neatly with plain blue paper, and a red ribbon and box, with a tag saying 'From: Santa, To: Butters' written in crayon. Butters quickly unwrapped it, smiling as he carefully removed the ribbon, "Oh Gosh, look mom and dad!" To their astonishment, Butters had recieved a brand new Nintendo Wii.

"How-" Linda looked ot Stephen for an answer, but he nodded unsure.

xXx

Despite it being past ten in the morning, the McCormicks quickly, wordlessly and rituallistically surrounded the family 'Christmas tree', which was more so than ever packed with presents. Rather than wrap individually, each person had a bag with gifts inside it, each tagged. They looked at each other, accepting this family tradition again, exchanging numerous glances before eyes settling on Stuart, who picked up his garbage bag and pulled out a coffee mug with a tag saying 'from Kenny'. It was one of those common '#1 Dad' mugs and while Stuart and Kenny both knew he was far from a #1 father, he accepted the gift with a nod and a smile.

Next he pulled out a box containing a telescope with 'From Kevin' written in pen on it. With another nod and a smile towards his eldest son, Stuart examined the box - it was a kid's telescope, but it was more expensive than most items on the list. He looked it over and set it aside before taking out another box, with 'Carol' written with a heart on it. Within the box was a small cooler - big enough to hold a few cans or bottles of beer at least. He gave his wife a hug, smiling and nodding. The final gift he pulled out was a piece of paper with crayon drawings. A pink skinned man was depicted wearing a large red hat, smiling with blue eyes, long brown hair and a blue mechanic's suit. Although poor by most standards, it was impressive for a girl Karen's age - and her signature was flawless cursive. "Thank you all." escaped his mouth.

Next, eyes landed on Carol, who took her bag and quickly reached in, pulling out first a rolled up rug. It was red and fluffy and more comfortable than her bed. Carol smirked, "Thanks Kevin." she said, her voice low as she went for her next gift, a small box with 'FrOM KeNNY' written on it. She quickly opened it to see a homemade necklace. Although most mothers would find it poorly made crap, it was impressive work for a McCormick, and Carol was delighted to have some jewelry she could call her own. She hugged her son, thanked him and next took out one of Karen's pretty drawings - it showed her in a pretty green dress dancing on the ice with a bunch of little penguins. Besides that she didn't own such a dress, and her hair wasn't quite that long, it was an accurate drawing. "Thank you Karen." she smiled, pulling out a final box, listened from her husband. She gently removed the box top and could have cried with joy at a pretty lime green dress reminescent of the drawing, "Thank you very much Stuart!"

After dues were given for Carol's gifts, the line continued by age as Kevin took his garbage bag of gifts. He first picked out his sister's drawing - he was a construction worker, telling other construction workers what to build. In the background, stick figure construction workers built a nice house, while in the foreground was a very detailed (for Karen's age) drawing of Kevin, standing and smiling in a construction hat and uniform. After thanking and hugging his sister, he pulled out a gift from his brother - a small stack of baseball cards, with a 'From Ken' post-it attached. "Thanks Ken." he said, putting them in his pocket as he took out a pair of thick, furry winter boots, smiling - this would definitely help him with the cold, "Thanks mom!" he smiled before taking out the last box and opening, to his joy - a small pocketknife from his father. "Dad?"

"I want you to have it son." Stuart said, smiling - this was the same pocketknife his father had given to him over Luke when he turned Kevin's age, that his father had gotten from his grandfather... Kevin smiled, putting it in his pocket. Next Kenny allowed his sister to go first, and Karen smiled quietly as the young girl took her bag. She pulled out a small item - a bracelet. It seemed like nothing but to her it was a little treasure, and she nodded in thanks to her brother Kenny. She pulled out a book with a tag from her father and smiled, squinting to read the title ' _Fairy Tales For The Young and Young at Heart'_ she placed it down gently, nodded in thanks again and pulled out the next item - another book, this one with a few crayons attached in a plastic tray. It was a little coloring book with a grinning elephant on the front. She thanked Kevin with a nod, and then picked out the item she'd felt first but wished to save for last - a fuzzy penguin. "Your mother and I thought your Teddy bear could use some company." she smiled and hugged the penguin close with her teddy and hugged her mother and father.

Kenny took his garbage bag and looked around before taking out the first item - a journal with a tag from his father. He wondered what to do with it - draw? Record his nights out as Mysterion? Log his netherwordly adventures? "Thanks dad." he said as he put it aside, deciding not to overthink it. Next he pulled out something large and orange, "Thank you mom." he said appreciatively as he looked at the new orange coat she'd bought him. Next was a box with 'FRAGILE' written on it and 'from kEvin' scribbled in blue. He quickly opened it to face a small snow globe with Santa and Frosty inside, "Thank you." he said to his brother. Next he took out the picture from his sister - it was a drawing of him in his mother's arms with his family and he understood what Karen ment by this, and smiled, "Thank you Karen, very much." he said as he pocketed it.

Butters' bag contained two Terrance and Phillip toys, complete with electronic voices and fart sounds. Kenny was delighted enough with these, but he became far more interested in the Hustler copy Cartman had shoved in with it, barely tagged. His mother forced to him to put down the filthy magazine until after gift-giving was over. Kenny next opened the thick tome Kyle had gotten him - _World Religions,_ with a picture that looked suspiciously similar to the Super Best Friends. Kenny smirked at the book, pushing it aside for his final gift - he quickly removed Stan's item from the bag and cheered with joy ("WOOHOO! FUCK YEAH!") at a DVD copy of his favorite film of all time: _Heavy Metal._ He smiled and twirled, doing his little victory dance, hopping up and down while moving his fists down and back up on either side in a half-circle formation.

"...does anybody have a DVD player?" Carol asked.

"Godammit." Stuart sighed.

"Wait Eric, I forgot, your friend Kyle said he left you one more present outside the door."

"Oh really?" Cartman said, going to the front door, and opening it and his smile turned to grimace, "Aw, what the fuck! Someone took a huge fucking dump out - oh my God!"

"HOWDY HO!"

 **The End**

Kenny looked up at the words 'The End' on the screen and cheered with joy to be alive.


	8. Rich Boy, Poor Boy

**A/N:** _And here's my crappy, infamous Kevin Stoley fic that probably has my friend Rory rolling over in their metaphorical grave. I breathed a lot of life into background characters no one cares about here. Thanks to Mutt for some assistance on this one.  
_

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"Rich Boy, Poor Boy"**

 _by JVM-SP150_

The Stoley dining room wall had a bright sky blue wall - much like the colors of the shirts of many in the room. Six people were seated at the table eating - a boy with a mop of black hair named Kevin, who was forking down some meatloaf. He wore a sky blue jacket with a red trim, and next to him sat his similarly dressed sister Esther, who wore a sky blue jacket with a frilly pink trim. Although the siblings looked alike and acted somewhat alike, they had been steadily growing apart over time. Across from them sat an old couple, one with balding black hair in a uniform labeled 'City Wok' and an older looking woman with black hair in a dress. Finally, on opposite sides sat a woman in her late thirties with black hair to her shoulders and a calculating look on her face in a sky blue shirt and pink pants. Opposite her a man with black hair and a very American look, in a business coat.

"So kids, how was school?" asked the father, Nicholas in the business suit.

"Oh, it was okay today. We did a project on comic books. Me and Red spent recess playing Jedi again." Kevin answered.

"Yeah, I did pretty good on my project. I stayed in for recess to make sure it was extra good. Mr. Garrison said I was the best artist in the whole fourth grade." Esther smirked.

"Tabby, what's the matter with the meat loaf tonight? It's stale. You've done much better work." he said, lifting his fork and eyeing it suspiciously as if he'd poked some alien lifeform.

"It's perfectly fine, Nick, maybe all that international cuisine you eat spoils you too much." muttered his wife dryly in defense of her work.

"Uhh... I got an A+ on my spelling test." Kevin interrupted, hoping to end the argument.

"That's good." replied Nicholas, "Good to hear you're keeping up with your studies."

"Yeah, you need to keep up so you can take care of us in our old age." Tabitha noted.

"...it wasn't an A+ it was an A-." muttered Esther, who was promptly shoved by her brother, "Hey! I'm just being honest."

"I wasn't trying to brag!"

"That doesn't make it okay!" Esther protested.

"Oh, we have mail for Kevin." Tuong said, taking out an envelope, "Shays you won contesht or shomething."

"A contest?" Kevin took it, opening it, "Oh my God!"

"What?" Esther asked.

"Remember that contest I entered at ? The one with the million dollar prize?"

"Yeah?"

"I won." Kevin smiled.

"HOWY SHIT NO WAY!" Tuong exclaimed. "We have 10 million dowar?!" Tuong suddenly got up and started breaking things out of enthusiam

"Oh my God, awesome!" Esther smiled.

"...so this means you'll get a job soon, right?" asked Tabitha.

xXx

Mr. Garrison's Fourth Grade Classroom was busy as the kids began getting in their seats for the day's lesson. Kevin Stoley took his seat in the middle, having collected his money the previous night after dinner. Maybe he should give some away? Just to his friends? Maybe everyone?

entered the room with the day's plans. "Good morning class, first thing first everyone turn in your math homework from last night."

"Shit homework what fucking homework?!" Cartman gasped.

Kevin took out his homework, leaning a bit, "Hey Red, you won't guess what happened last night." he said quietly but with excitement.

Red sifted through her folder a bit before pulling out her homework as she responded. "What?" She asked quietly

"I won the contest. A million dollars, dude." he smirked.

"Whoa no fucking way!" Red replied a bit of a louder tone then a whisper causing a few heads to turn. She quickly covers her mouth. "Sorry" She lowered her voice. "No way..." She repeated

"It's true!" Kevin said, smiling, "A whole million dollars! And I don't have to it share it with anyone!" he said, "...You can have some if you want though."

"Is there a problem Kevin?" said suddenly noticing that the two students weren't paying attention.

"Ok then pay attention!" demanded as everyone passes in their homework. "Today's lesson is very important..." he said, turning around, "Now can anyone tell me in what episode of Desperate Housewives..."

"So dude, a million dollars? What was the contest about again?" Red whispered.

"Well I entered a couple... there was one about building Jabba the Hutt out of toothpicks, a 5,000 word essay on who shot first, oh, and there was one for anything at all that justified the use of Jar-Jar. I entered all three."

"You did?"

"Yep. And I WON."

"How?"

"Easy. I was the only person who entered the Jar-Jar one." Kevin said, taking notes.

"How in God's name did you manage that?" Red asked.

"You see, I just wrote about how Jar-Jar's important because in Episode-"

"Mr. Stoley, what's so important you have to interrupt my class? This is important! Do you have any idea how important the plot of the fifth season of Desperate Housewives is to getting an A on your exams!?"

"Well, no I-"

"Oh, so now you have to smart mouth me? Why don't you come up here and tell us what's so important for Miss Tucker to know?"

"Haha, Kevin's talking to his dumb little ginger girlfriend!" Cartman laughed.

"Shut up fatass!" Red and Kevin said simultaneously. Kevin took the stand, "So, uh, I entered a contest at and I won a million dollars because I justified Jar-Jar's existence-"

"A million dollars? Uh, sorry what I said earlier, brah!" Cartman apologized, thinking, "Maybe if I'm nice to him he'll let me use his money and I can be rich, too!"

"...uhh, Cartman, you're saying that out loud." Kyle said.

"FUCK YOU KYLE YOU STUPID JEW."

"Well its true fatass, you just ripped on him like five seconds ago and now you wnat to be nice to him for the money."

"Nuh uh! I was just pointing out and helping him along to the front."

"And you just stated-"

"NO!"

"YOU JUST SAID FIVE SECONDS AGO YOU'D TAKE HIS MONEY!"

"LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, KAHL!" Cartman said, putting his fingers in his ears.

Kyle was turing red in the face when Stan leaned over and tapped his best freind on the shoulder. "Kyle? Just let it go."

"But he's using him!"

"Just, don't let it bother you dude." Kevin had been cut off mid sentance by Cartman and kyle's outburst, those two always seemed to be the center of attention, no wonder he was always in the background. He looked over to his sister, who was drawing in a notebook, Red however gave him a reassuing smile.

"Kevin, I think we've heard enough. Obviously you cheated because Jar-Jar cannot be justified. Now get back to your seat while Mr. and Mrs. Broflvoski argue." Mr. Garrison said, "Now class, we're done with Chick shows, let's start doing some Math problems." Kevin quietly sat back down in his seat. ignoring the teachings of Mr. Garrison, he pulled out his Star Wars wallet and took out his debit card in his hand, turning it over in his lap, he looked up agian to see the entire class was turned aorund in their seats looking at him. Well, he was always a nice guy.

"Say Kevin, have I ever told you how much I, uhhh, admire you?" Cartman said, "'cuz I totally think you're like, awesome and stuff."

"Shut up Cartman!" Kenny said, taking the reigns of voice of reason with Kyle quiet.

"Kinny, you prick, you just wanna be Kevin's friend cuz you're poor and stupid!" Cartman said, "Sorry Kev, Kinny's just being a prick." The bell rang loudly and Kevin grabbed his books and shoved the wallet in his back pack, heading out the door. He was usually followed by his posse of Red and Bradley and noticed Cartman was trying to shove his freinds out of the way to walk next to him out the door.

"So, uh, Kevin, can I carry your books for you?"

"...thanks Cartman, but it's, uh, fine." Kevin said, a bit puzzled. He knew Cartman was up to something, but it still was odd to see Cartman acting so kind.

Kyle rolled his eyes in disgust and pushed past both of them out the door but Stan hung back. "Hey Kevin, we were gonna get together a game of football in the playground if you wanted to join us!"

Bebe and Heidi passed by giggling to eachother. "That Kevin Stoley sure is cute!"

"I know Heidi, he's got such a nice ass! See you later Kevin!" Bebe winked and both girls headed down the hallway

Cartman took off his hat and licked the back of his hand to slick down his hair, attemping to give Keivn his most angelic smile. "You know you can always hang out with us, even Stan's cool with it, right stan?"

"Yeah sure dude, you've always been cool Kevin." Stan said this as he looked away from him and put his hands in his pockets. Wendy came out next with Red following her. Red broke away and went up to her best freind.

"Hey Red." Kevin greeted, smiling at his best friend, "Sorry about Cartman."

Cartman was still trying to win Kevin over with a smile, Stan grabbed his freind by the sleeve and pulled him down the hallway "Come on fatass, leave them alone! We'll save a spot open for you okay dude!"

Kevin just stood numbly in the hallway and Red gave him a smile and a laugh, 'That was...interesting." Esther had taken her time gathering up her books and witnessed the whole exchange.

"Yeah dude, hell has frozen over, you're popular! But Kevin," Esther poked him in the chest. "Don't forget who your true freinds were first." Kevin nodded,

"I won't, I won't just that..." Kevin looked down the hallway. "You think Stan and Cartman would play lightsabers with us? Cartman would make an excellent Sith Lord." Bradley entered the hallway, or more like pranced in, "Hey, I thought I was your best Sith Lord!"

"You are dude, just, sometimes you can be too..."

Bradley did a pirouette and stopped right in front of his freind. "Too what?"

"Ummm...nice." Kevin admitted, "Closest thing to a Sith Lord we can get is Terrence, Bill and Fosse..."

"Whatever you say, Kevin! SHABALADOO!" Bradley took off down the hall, leaving Kevin alone with Red. She gave her typical shy smile and walked next to him at a steady pace. "So Kev, a million dollars and all this pressure, what will you do? What do you want to buy first?"

"Well the first priority would be to my family, they wanted some money for stuff around the house and to remodel the buisness. And anything Esther wants of course... but after that whatever's left will go to my freinds."

"Yeah that's nice about your family, but what about YOU Kevin? What do you want?" Red asked.

"Anything you want Red? Is there somethng you couldn't afford that I could possibly get you?"

Red stood in the hall and grabbed Kevin by the shoulder, her green eyes looking into his small dark ones. "But nothing for yourself? Not Star Wars stuff, or a new game system or something?"

Kevin looked away and blushed "Well maybe... this is going to be dorky, but they made a real lightsaber from Japan, it can litereally cut though objects and everything... some techonology that's probably illegal here in the States, it's like 2000 dollars, a pipe dream."

"Until now, is that right?" Red smirked.

"Yeah Red, I never realized, I can afford that now! I can afford anything!" Kevin smiled. The two continued walking and stepped outside into the chilly air - the playground was usually filled with all the shouts of the children except today was a bit different, everyone seemed to be shouting Kevin's name. Kevin raised an eyebrow, a bit flustered from the sudden recognition. He kinda figured he wanted to stick with his usual friends, but then again, this might not last. Maybe he should take advantage of the situation?

"Hey Kevin, Kevin, come here, play football with us!" Cartman said, waving him over, "We left a spot open for you just like we said!"

"Yeah, I was gonna play but Eric volunteered I stay out." Butters said, sitting on the sidelines, "But that's fine. I can play in the snow! Loo loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo loo, you've go some too..."

Kevin gave Red a look and she smiled and went off towards the girl territory of the palyground and Kevin happy jogged over to the playing field. Stan stepped forward. "Alright Kevin is on my team." A blue gloved finger flipped him off.

"Says who? Kevin should be on our team." Craig gave Stan another finger when Cartman came between them.

"We need Kevin on our team, so we can be the kewlest and be sure to win."

"Your team isn't that good, your fatass can't run, Kyle throws like a girl and Kenny is scrawny. The only decent player you have is Stan... and Kevin of couse. We need him lardass." Kevin rolled his eyes, the kids were acting a bit juvenile, but he figured for once he'd take in the attention.

"Look guys..." Kevin took some of the money he'd taken out in cash earlier and handed each of the kids $50 each, "There. Now stop fighting. This is why I don't normally play Football with you guys. It's just a game."

"Yeah Kevin's right, football's stupid, let's play uhh... what does Kevin like playing?" Cartman asked.

"Star Wars." Kenny said.

"Jeez Kinny, you're such a dick, you just love taking advantage of Kevin! He's a nice guy, okay? I know your family's poor but if you want charity you shouldn't pretend to be someone's friend over it!" Kyle bunched his fists into frustration but Stan gave him a hard look, and Kyle walked off towards the swings grumbling to himself.

"Uhh... you guys can stay here... maybe I'll just go play with my normal friends." Kevin said.

"No, no Kevin, play with us." Clyde protested. Kevin decided he could take one day of popularity,

"Uhh, I guess we can play Star Wars." he took out his toy lightsaber, "Anyone else have one?" Clyde took out one, as did Token. The other kids picked up sticks. "Uhh... Craig, Clyde, Token, Jimmy, Tweek, you guys can be the Sith. Me, Eric, Stan, Kenny and... uhh, Butters I guess you can come back."

"Neat-o!" Butters joined the group again. "So we're Jedis right?" he said, taking out a toy lightsaber as well.

"Yeah, we're the Jedi!" Clyde cried.

"Heheheh, Star Wars is gay." Fosse said on the sidelines.

"Huhuhhuh, yeah!" Bill replied.

Kyle shrugged and went over by the swings, which Red, Bradley, Terrence and Esther were currently using, "Um, hey." Kyle shrugged.

"Hey Kyle." Red and Bradley said nearly in unison.

"Greetings Plebian." Terrence said. Why do these dorks follow him around? Right, right, the genuis intellect. Kyle's hands were in his pockets as he confronted the group. "Well you came all the way over here! Speak!"

"I don't know. I know you guys are Kevin's friends but you seem so... I mean he's ignoring you guys and just using his money to buy friends! Doesn't that piss you off?"

"Me and Kevin are not friends." Terrence clarified, causing Kyle to simply roll his eyes at the alleged 'genuis'. "He's merely a tool."

"Red, Bradley, you and Kevin are like me, Stan and Kenny, but you guys don't care that Kevin's practically abandoned you. And Esther, he's your brother!"

"You can make friends and lose friends. You can't lose your brother... believe me, I've tried." Esther said.

"Look Kyle, let Kevin have his fun." Red said, "It won't last. The other kids'll go back to hating him eventually when he doesn't put out all the money they want for their stupid stuff. Kev's a nice guy, but he isn't that nice. Besides, we all live pretty close."

"Yeah, we could probably meet up at the middle of the night if we wanted to." Bradley nodded, "Well I mean they could, I have... I need my sleep." Bradley said - despite the fact pretty much the entire town was well-aware he was the superheroic Mint-Berry Crunch, he tried to keep it a secret best he could.

"It's happened before." Red said.

xXx

Tabitha Stoley wiped her eyes as she woke up, hearing noise in the other room. She grumbled as she got up, stretching in her sky blue pajamas because that family fucking loves sky blue godammit. She walked across the hall and knocked on her son's door, "Kevin! What's going on in there!?"

"Nothing, mom!" came her son's voice as she pulled on the doorknob,

"Kevin, let me in this instant! I will pick that lock!" she threatened.

"J-just a second mom!" Tabitha quickly picked the lock to open and see three ten-year-olds holding lightsabers. A boy in blonde hair with green pajamas with what looked like mints and berries on them was holding a red one up on the bed, and down her own son in Star Trek pajamas was holding a green lightsaber and a girl with red hair, and green eyes in purple pajamas held a blue lightsaber, the two other kids pointing their weapons at the blonde boy.

"Kevin J. Stoley!" Kevin put the lightsaber behind his back.

"Aww, shit!"

"Less lightsaber games, more making grandchildren!" she ordered, hands on her hips. Kevin exchanged confused glanes with his friends, "Ginger girlfriend right here! Want me move blond pissy-pants boy?"

xXx

Kyle blinked and looked between Red and Bradley as the retold the story of spending that night at the Stoley house. "That bad eh? Well if Kevin is buying freinds he probably won't have trouble in that department, but really. We are in fourth grade."

"You can never start too early, at least according to my mom." Esther said rolling her eyes. She poined across the playground "Speaking of Kevin needing people to make babies with." A battle of epic proportions was going on in the middle of the once football field when a pink paper airplane landed on the feild. Craig had just done a badass Sith Lord move - it turned out was a pretty fun game after all - when he stopped to pick it up.

"Kevin dude, this has your name on it... and lipstick marks."

Kevin had been on a fan rant expalining the Force in detail to Stan, Cartman, Kenny and Butters, when he turned around. "For me? What does it say?" the boys dropped their weapons and gathered around as Kevin opened it up.

"It says 'Meet behind the portables in 5 minutes... alone.' What does that mean?"

Clyde stepped forward after making the necessary sound effects to power down his lightsaber. "It means dude, you're suddenly first on the list. Good job!" Kevin nodded,

"Guess I'll be right back." he said, walking by the portable toliets with the note, looking around, "Hello?" he said, now behind them and invisible to the rest of the playground.

"Over here." Said a voice. Kevin carefully made his way around a corner to be face to face with the frizzy blonde hair and wild blue eyes of Bebe Stevens, grinning wildly.

"Oh! Hey there Bebe."

"Kevin! how are you!" Bebe gave him a smile and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Uh, I'm fine... you wanted to see me?" Kevin raised an eyebrow, perplexed at the idea of being alone with another girl - Red and Esther do not count in this case.

"So I was thinking we could hang out or something..." Bebe replied

"...but you don't even really know me...least I don't think.."

"Course I know you Bradley!"

"...Kevin..."

"Oh, right."

Kevin grew silent and Bebe tried a different approach. "Kevin, close your eyes." she smiled.

"Um, why?"

"Just do it silly!" Bebe smirked. Kevin shrugged and obeyed, and Bebe put both her hands on his sholders and was leaning in for a kiss when Heidi Turner rounded the corner and came upon them

"THERE HE IS, BEBE IS TRYING TO GET TO HIM. I LIKED HIM FIRST YOU SLUT!"

"Nuh, uh! I liked him first Heidi, I called it back in class!"

"You're just a slut and like anyone with a pulse, you were going on about Clyde Donovan this morning."

"I'll make you eat those words bitch."

"Bring it out on the playground, I'm not afraid of you!"

Suddenly before he knew it a circle had formed around Bebe and Heidi and he was pushed back into the crowd, the voice of Eric Cartman could be heard from the other side of the playground.

"CHICK FIGHT!"

Kenny stepped up next to Kevin. "Jesus Christ dude, you have chicks fighting over you? If you get the winnner can you pass the loser onto me?"

"...uh, sure, Kenny." Kevin said, shrugging. He should do something shouldn't he? He can't let the girls get here, right? Right?

"Dude, are they fighting over you?" approached Bradley, raising an eyebrow.

"...yeah, somehow. I went from being invisible to being Justin Bieber." The school children circled around and cheered as Heidi pullled Bebe's hair and Bebe's hand went to her opponents forhead, trying to pull her back, or maybe scratch out her eyes, Kevin wasn't sure. He was beginning to sense a trend and stepped up between them. "No fighting girls, please this is silly." Kevin reached into his wallet once again and handed each girl fifty bucks. "There's someone else I like anyway, now can we all just get along?" Kids began lining up for their cut of the cash. Esther noticed from across the playground and stepped up in front of her brother,

"Mr. Stoley is very busy, let me speak with him, please." she grabbed her brother by the collar of his jacket, hid a scowl behind a fake smile and pulled him by their group of friends at the swings, Bradley, Red, Terrence and the others standing around them, "Kevin, the fighting's just going to get worse now! You can't just shell out fifty at the drop of a hat, dude!" The children watched before slowly scattering. Heidi and Bebe going their opposite ways. Only two children remained - Cartman, searching for Kevin before spotting them, and Kyle, who was already on his way. Esther held up her hand, "I said no one talks to Kevin now." she commanded, narrowing her eyes.

"Who's gonna stop me bitch? Go paint some more faggy pictures." Esther said nothing, just raised an eyebrow, a tense but simple glare, "Art is for queers anyway. I knew you were a dyke, I called it."

"She said fuck off fatass!" came Kyle's challenging voice as he stepped up.

"Screw off Jew, this is between me and my buddy Kevin!"

"Like Kevin wants anything to do with you!"

"I'm sure he wants plenty to do with me, I'm like the coolest kid in school." Cartman said.

"No dude, Craig's the coolest kid in school." Kyle said, pointing towards the Elementary school building. Craig stood there talking to Clyde, raising an eyebrow at Kyle and Cartman, flipping them off, then going back to discussing something with Clyde.

"Whatever Jew, are you just jealous my buddy's rich now? Why don't you mind your own goddamn business?"

Kevin stepped forward once again, trying his Let's All Get Along™ technique, taking out two fifty dollar bills. "Come on guys..." he said, and the two boys stopped staring each other down, Cartman's antagonistic glare turning to a grin of pure joy as he held out his hand. Esther took the money, stuffing it in her pocket. Kyle's fists unclenched, and he quickly regained his composure.

"What did I just tell you Kevin? You can't solve your problems just by throwing money at them. That's what the Kennedys did and look where they ended up." Cartman glared at Esther,

"Ay, that was mine ho!"

"Why do you think Esther's more assertive than Kevin?" Bradley asked Red quietly, her shrugging.

"I don't want your money, Kevin. It's wrong." Kyle said simply.

"Your loss jewboy - I'll take his fifty Kevin, don't worry, just tell your bitch sister to give it."

"Uhh sorry dude, Esther has to get her way. She's uhh..." he gave Esther a quick 'I don't mean this' look, twin telepathy allowing her to understand, "She's a total bitch about this kind of stuff."

"Ugh. I'll IM you on Facebook later Kev, I'm going to go play football with the guys as long as your dyke sister's playing bodyguard." Cartman rolled his eyes, hopping away.

"I'm sorry dude, you don't deserve all this shit. People should like you for who you are, not how much money you have." Kyle said simply.

Esther slowly came out of her stiff pose, "Fucking asshole... I'm not a dyke." she thrust out her hand at her brother. "Give me your wallet please, I don't trust you with it as a conflict resolution device..." Kevin nodded solemnly and obeyed, handing it over, the silver Star Wars logo glistening on the front.

"Esther, I'm sorry."

"It's fine. If Kyle has to be an asshole to keep Cartman away, I'll be a bitch since you're so easily taken advantage of."

"It was a good idea, Kevin, it just doesn't work that way. Greed just causes more greed." Kyle nodded. "Look I'm gonna see you later, dude. Good luck." Kyle said, his work here done, before he left.

"That Kyle kid is pretty smart, isn't he?" Esther said, "Smartest kid I've ran into around here besides Wendy."

"That plebian is nowhere near my levels of intelligence." blasted Terrence Mephesto triumphantly, dirty and nerdy as always. Kevin's friends questioned for the zillionth time why they hung around him.

"Oh relax Terry, she menat besides you." Kevin rolled his eyes.

Terrence rolled his eyes, "One day, Stoley, one day."

"So now what?" Kevin asked.

"Uhh... how about we play more Jedi Knight?" Bradley said

"Sounds good to me." Kevin opened his coat and took a toy lightsaber out of his inner pocket, activating the weapon, as did Red, Bradley and a reluctant Esther. Terrence took out a smaller cane resembling his father's, "One, two, three go!" The money out of the equation, the rest of the playground stopped caring about the epic battle of Jedi against Sith, the other boys resuming their football game, while Jedi Master Stoley lead his forces against Darth Mephesto.

xXx

The next morning, there was a loud blaring. Kevin rolled around in his blue bedsheets, groping for his alarm clock to snooze and get another nine minutes to rest. But the clock felt unusually... bugly today. Kevin quickly retracted both his hands and slowly opened his sleepy eyes - whatever sight he first saw, it horrified him as he sat up, eyes wide with terror, "Cartman, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"Hi buddy! Thought I'd bring you some breakfast!" Cartman smiled wide, in a scary way that reminded Kevin of the Joker himself. Cartman hed a small plate with two pop-tarts - his idea of a 'special breakfast' it seemed.

"Uhhh... thanks Cartman." Kevin said reluctantly, taking the plate and looking down. It didn't look bad he supposed. And it's probably more than anything Cartman's done for anybody. "...how did you get in?"

"I climbed in your window of course. Its how I sneak into Kyle's room." Cartman replied as he pointed to an open window. The cold wind blew past Kevin's Star Wars curtains, invading his room. Kevin got up and closed the window.

"Dude, don't sneak into my house. Seriously. It's creepy." Kevin crossed his arms, "Thanks for the breakfast though, I guess. I'll get my keys and let you out the front door."

"Um okay, so any plans later dude? Maybe I could catch you some other time. "Cartman offered, putting down the plate as he got up and wrapped a shoulder around Kevin in a friendly manner.

"Uh, no, I'm good. Thanks." Kevin said, "Could you go out in the hall dude? I have to change."

"Sure I'll wait up!" Cartman said as he waddled out of the room. Kevin closed the door, locked it, shivered and changed out of his Star Wars pajamas into his regular clothes - a green Star Wars T-shirt and dark gray pants, before putting on his trademark jacket. He combed his hair, then opened the door reluctantly.

"I was hoping I could you company on the way the school bus. Just because I'm your friend..." Cartman greeted with that ever-awkward smile. His facial expression gave away his true intentions, the deviousness clearly visible in his eyes if hidden in his smile.

"Uh no, I'm walking with Bradley today. And maybe Terrence if he's in a good mood."

"Any room for one more?"

"Uhh.. wouldn't you rather walk with Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters like you always do?"

"Meh, those guys are fags but you you're awesome." Cartman replied with that fake smile, approaching Kevin.

"I'm awesome?" Kevin's facade of calmness disappeared, a serious look on his face, brown eyes narrowed, "Nobody's ever told me that. Not even my best friends. Okay Cartman, it's the money, isn't it? That's what you want?"

"...what are you talking about...I just want to hang out with you!" Cartman said, attempting to lie and cover it up, but alas, it was obvious his true intentions.

"Sure you do. What about 'Kevin godammit' 'Kevin, Jesus Christ!' 'Ay, it's the chink kid!' I know why you're here. Leave."

"Hey hey when have I ever picked on you? Maybe there was that ONE time..." Cartman replied. Kevin's eyes just narrowed his expression clearly showing he wasn't going to be fooled by his bullshit. "AY WELL FUCK YOU! I offer you to be your friend and you just blow me off. Ha! CHINK!" Cartman blares as he charges out the door and closes it behind him. Suddenly there was a knock. Kevin answered it reluctantly.

"Hey Kevin buddy yeah sorry for the outburst. But yeah I'm willing to let it go what do you say?" Cartman asks

"I'm not given you any money..."

"WELL FUCK YOU GEEK!" Cartman finally left the house through the window. Kevin closed it, then left the room and went down for breakfast. His family was already there, sans uncle and aunt, thank God.

"Kevin, we heard yelling what was going on?" asked his mother.

"Oh nothing, just that fat kid from school again." he said, "The one that always uses our basement."

"Oh, right, him."

xXx

Cartman, Stan and Kenny stood in front of the bus stop, smiling, as Kevin stepped between Stan and Cartman. There was a pause before Kevin stepped forward, "This... this isn't right."

"What do you mean, Kevin, of course it's right! No Jews, just you!"

"I'm not your friend. I'm friends with Red and Bradley. Please just leave me alone." Kevin turned to leave.

"Hey, what did we do?" Stan asked.

"Nothing against you guys, just Eric." Kevin walked away.

"Can we call Kyle back now?" Stan asked.

xXx

Kevin sat on the bus at an empty seat, glad he could have the extra space. This happiness was momentary, for suddenly, Kevin was pushed against the window. "Cartman!"

"Hey Kev, buddy, what's up?"

"That seat was taken!"

"Gee, I don't see anyone's name on it."

"Actually Red wrote her name there in Sharpie the other day."

"Gee, really? That's too bad."

xXx

Kevin approached his locker, opening it and grabbing his books. He had been alone and made sure of it, but in a second he felt a tap on his shoulder, "Go away, Eric."

"Not Cartman." He turned around to see his best friend Red Tucker laughing at him. Ah, such is life. Kevin smiled though, glad to have company that would make Jabba the Hutt blush. "Hey Kev. So Cartman's stalking you?"

"Suddenly I'm a light and he's a fly." Kevin said quietly, "It's scary, dude. He even showed up in my room with breakfast. I'm getting kind of worried." he closed his locker, books in arm. Red opened her's.

"Did you tell him to fuck off?"

"I was going to but he pretended I was insulting him and ran off." Kevin shrugged, "I swear, he's going to do something screwed up."

Red ran a hand in her smooth hair, "Oh, don't worry about it dude. You'll think of something."

"I don't know..."

"Maybe Mint-Berry Crunch can help!" Red and Kevin turned around to see Bradley standing in the hallway in Mint-Berry Crunch's pose, although in his normal clothes.

"N-no Bradley, I don't think we need Mint-Berry Crunch's help." Kevin said.

"Nonsense, I'll get you right on the line with-"

"We don't need Mint-Berry Crunch's help!"

"Kevin, I heard you needed help, what's wrong, buddy!?" Cartman appeared, wrapping an arm around Kevin.

"Nothing, Eric." Kevin gritted his teeth.

"Is that soulless Ginger bothering you? Or the Superman rip-off kid?"

"N-no Cartman. I'm fine." Kevin mumbled.

"Here, let me get rid of these assholes." Cartman smiled, "Hey Bradley?"

"Yeah?" Bradley returned to a normal position.

"Esther needs help with... I dunno, some shit."

"Esther? Oh no!" Bradley ran off to find his friend's sister - that, and Kevin was quite sure by now Bradley wanted to get in his sister's pants. (Naturally, one would expell thoughts of their best friend triyng to fuck their twin sister.)

"And how do you plan to get rid of me?" Red crossed his arms.

"Hey Ginger. You're a skank." Red did not move. "You're a ho." Nothing. "A bitch." Nothing still. "A whore." Red slapped Cartman. "Ow!" he rubbed his face, "Can't you leave my buddy alone, you dumb bitch?"

"Kevin doesn't want to be left alone. For what you know, I'm his best friend." Red narrowed her eyes.

"You wish! I'm Kevin's real best friend." Cartman laughed, "Besides, why would he be freinds with a girl? That's totally gay!"

"Heheh, totally gay, heheh." Fosse and Bill laughed together as they passed by... but where Fosse and Bill were, Terrence Mephesto was not far. Kevin silently prayed his friend and enemy would appear. "Yeah, heh, gay."

"Red's my best friend Cartman, leave." Kevin glared.

"No! I'm not letting a skank take away my best buddy!" Cartman said, "She's brainwashing you!" Kevin grit his teeth and clenched his fists in place.

"I can't take this much longer." Kevin said, making a beeline for the mens' restroom. He made his way to a cubicle and sat. He did not have to go - he just needed to be alone. Unfortunately, the Force was not happy with Kevin apparently, as he suddenly heard a voice.

"Hey Kev, you in here?"

Don't answer...

"Kev, bro, come on..."

Don't answer...

"Kevin, come on, man, you in here or not?"

"Cartman, some of us are trying ot pee!" That was Kyle's voice.

"Shut up Jew! You're just jealous because Kevin likes me better."

"Will you put a sock in it? Kevin doesn't like you, dude, nobody does, he feels sorry for you and can't tell you to fuck off because he's too nice of a guy to tell you to fuck off like I would. Now quit trying to take advantage of him for his money!" Kyle said. Kevin couldn't help but feel a sense of thankfulness towards the young boy currently defending him even though he wasn't even present.

"Screw you, Kyle! Kev thinks I'm totally tits!"

"No, he thinks Red is tits. You're the guy who used to think they were dating, remember? All those times you said 'hahaha Ginger and Chink are dating'" Kyle put on his best Cartman impression, "Well, fatass, this is your payback for making fun of him all these years. He has a million dollars. You don't. Get over it." Kyle said.

"Wow, you really can't do a good impression of me, can you?"

"No, but Stan can do a great one actually." Kyle said, before shaking his head, "Not the point though. Get over it." Kevin heard the footsteps of Kyle leave. After a moment, he heard Cartman leave. Phew.

And then the bell rang. Shit.  
xXx

"All right class, today we're going to be covering the works of Jim Carrey. Now can anyone tell me why none of Jim Carrey's movies have good sequels? Anyone? C'mon child- Eric, what the hell are you doing?" Herbert Garrison put his hands on his hips and raised his eyebrow, a bit sick of the constant shennanigans in his classroom.

"Oh, I was just going to share cookies with my buddy Kevin." Cartman smiled, taking out a plate of cookies in plastic wrap... although there was a tear and a few cookies were definitely missing.

"Damn it Cartman stop kissing Kevin's ass, everyone knows what kind of bullshit you're pulling." Kyle groaned

"How dare you?! I am NOT kissing his ass I'm trying to be a good caring friend isn't that right buddy?" Cartman turns to Kevin "I even made your favorite double chocolate peanut butter chip.."

"How do you know that's his favorite you hardly even know Kevin. You sure that isn't YOUR favorite?" Stan inquired

"Actually, for your information, Kevin hates peanut butter cookies." Red smirked.

"Yeah, his favorite cookie is Golden Double Stuf Oreo." Bradley noted.

"You guys are liars." Cartman crossed his arms, "Kevin loves peanut butter cookies, right?"

"Eric, Jesus Christ, can we get through one lesson without you arguing with someone? You're even stupider than Clyde."

"Hey!" Clyde piped in.

xXx

"Bradley never told you what happened to your brother!" said a nine-year-old boy in a dark brown robe, his identity unknown to those around him.

"He told me enough." came a girl on the ground, black hair messy, brown eyes wide and a pained look on her face. Her hand was retracted into her sleeve, giving the appearance of a missing arm. She had a sky blue jacket on and pants. She backed away. "He told me you killed him."

"No!" the cloaked one stepped forward, "I am your bro-"

"Kev, my man, what's up!?" the hood fell bac fell to the ground, revealing the boy to be a shocked Kevin Stoley, now being squeezed to death by a massive tub of lard, er, Eric Cartman.

"Hi Eric." Kevin said with annoyance.

"Sorry you have to play with these dorks. Why don't you come play Americans vs. Bosnians with me, Butters and Kinney?"

"I'd prefer to play Star Wars. Or Star Trek. Or-"

"Yeah, but in Americans vs. Bosnians you get to kill people.." Cartman smirked.

"Eric, please, let me play with my real friends. I'm sick of you trying to win mee over for my money." Kevin crossed his arms, getting progressively annoyed with Cartman's behavior.

"You're playing with a kid who's half-cereal, your sister, two idiots, and the kid with more than one ass."

"Hey, that rumor is not true!" came Terrence Mephesto's voice. He was dressed in Darth Vader's familiar armor, two Storm Troopers at his side as they stood on the sidelines, Bradley Biggle wearing a Jedi robe. They seemed to be waiting their turn. Scott Malkinson was nearby as well, although he wore no costume.

"Heh, that rumor's gay." came one of the Troopers.

"Totally gay." said the other one.

"Look Eric, I'm sick of this. Leave me alone. Go play Americans versus Bosnians by yourself!"

"Well, I, uh... That's fine! I love playing with myself! I play with myself all day long!" Kenny laughed, "What?" Kevin turned and resumed his game with his friends as Cartman finally left - for the moment.

"I'm getting sick of him." Kevin mumbled as he put his hood back on.

"Heheh, he's gay."

"Totally gay."

"...for once, I'm not going to argue with the dorks." Esther said, "Look, he's gone for now. Let's just play duel some more..."

"Okay... but this time let's play one of the new ones. Let's play Revenge of the Sith, Terrence can be Anakin."

"Why him? Wouldn't you want to be Anakin?" Bradley asked.

"Oh, but Terrence's acting matches Hayden Christensen's..." Esther pointed out, a mischevious smirk on her face.

"Really?" Terrence smirked at his abilities, Bill and Fosse chuckling.

"Yeah, you're a horrible actor." Esther replied.

"Remind me to get dad to splice your genes with one of his monkeys..." Terrence mumbled.

xXx

"All right class, don't forget to finish your homework for tomorrow, a one hundred page essay on what friendship means to you. I know it has nothing to do with any of our current assignments, and it's placing may seem oddly convenient to some of you, but if you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly the best at what I do, so give me a break." The bell rang, "See you little bastards tomorrow morning." The kids rushed out of the classrooms, charging into the halls. Stan quickly met up with Kyle, Kenny and Butters by their lockers. Cartman was nowhere to be found.

"Dude, Garrison gives such weird assignments." Stan commented, rolling his blue eyes as he got his backpack on, "I mean what are we supposed to write about?"

"I-it's not that bad, Stan. I j-just wrote about my old friend P-Pip before he died and stuff." Butters noted as he put on his Hello Kitty backpack, smiling at Stan with all the joy in the world. Stan rolled his eyes again. The kids, all in their backpacks, began heading for the doorway.

"I already finished my paper Stan, just wrote about our close friendship between us, you know?" Kyle nodded.

"Yeah, that's what I was going to do. Hey, who'd you write about Kenny?" Stan said, looking to the parka-clad boy. Before Kenny could answer, Kyle noticed Cartman in the distance by Kevin's buddies again, just outside the door to the right. He couldn't hear anything, but Kevin, Esther, Bradley, Terrence, Bill and Fosse had Cartman in front. He was talking, but the others look displeased.

"Aw, godammit, hold on you guys." Kyle said, sighing as he approached them. "Cartman, this is getting just sickening here. Stop bothering Kevin!"

"Godammit you stupid Jew! Stop invading my privacy! Kevin is my buddy, not your's! Stop being so jealous!" Cartman crossed his arms.

"Bill, Fosse, grab him!" As instructed, Cartman's arms were grabbed by the two henchmen, who looked at each other and laughed.

"Heheh, we were helping Terrence a-and now we're helping Kyle."

"Heheh, that's gay!"

"W-what!? I thought you assholes were on my side!" Cartman said angrily.

"All right, I have to uphold my end of the bargain." Kyle said, taking out a small box.

"Heheh, thanks Kyle!" Bill said as Kyle handed it to them. Bill ripped it open and took out a stick of gum, popping it into his mouth, "Oh God! Heuhuhuh!" Fosse took a stick as well before pocketing the gum.

"You guys sold me out for gum!? Pussies!" Cartman said.

"Guys, guys, please!" Kevin finally invaded, having tried to keep quiet, "Kyle, I appreciate your help but I can handle this. Eric, quit trying to get rid of my friends!"

"But Kev, we're best buds, come on bro! Tell these stupid dorks to let go of me so we can hang! We can go home and watch, uh, Star Trek. That's the movie you like, right?"

"I do like Star Trek..." Kevin began, Cartman glowing, "But I never said that in front of you - you're thinking of Star Wars and making a mistake because you don't know me."

"Heheh, Cartman's gay, heheh." said Fosse.

"Heheh, yeah."

"How do you guys have such tight grips!?" Cartman said, struggling, "Let go of me!"

"Heheh, no." Bill said.

"Terrence? Bradley? Esther? We've always been buds you guys?"

"A plebian such as yourself would wish that, but our only connection is my father feels responsible for you. That is nothing I need worry about." Terrence Mephesto replied, "Besides, I lost the science fair to you assholes, so fuck off."

"Us, friends? Yeah. We're about as friendly as America and China themselves." Esther rolled her eyes, "Come on, you expect my help?"

Bradley was the one worried, thinking - "Mint-Berry Crunch always helps those in need when they call for help - but this is Eric Cartman, one of the greatest assholes the world's ever seen, much less a foe of Mint-Berry Crunch's buddy Kevin. Nonetheless, Mint-Berry Crunch has vowed to help all in need and-"

"Bradley, you're doing your internal monologues out loud. Again." Kevin pointed out.

"Aw, shit!" Bradley said, looking to Cartman.

"...One of the greatest assholes the world's ever seen, huh?" Cartman scowled. "Kahl, I'm sick of you trying to control my life! Bill and Fosse, you dumb asswipes, let me go!"

"He asked if we should let him go? Should we do it?" Bill said, "I mean, he did ask and stuff." Fosse simply hit Bill.

"No, you idiot!"

"B-but we already got our gum!" Bill rubbed his head, letting out a small moan of pain. Cartman's hand was free now, as he grabbed his bear mace.

"Good point." Fosse said, letting go. Cartman pointed his bear mace and quickly sprayed at Kyle's face, forcing him back, falling. He then sprayed Bill and Fosse. "Aw, that's gay! No!" they fell. Kenny ran up to intervene, but Cartman quickly sprayed bear mace, hitting him right in the eye.

"Oh my God, Cartman killed Kenny!" cried Stan from the distance with Butters.

"You bastard! My eye!" Kyle punched blindly in the air, narrowly missing Cartman. "Aw, shit! Cartman you dick!" Cartman smirked, pocketing his can of bear mace, and grabbing Kevin and Esther's arms and trying to shuffle away.

"You shall not pass." Terrence stepped in front of them.

"Oh, really boy with many asses?" Cartman said, "I'll roshambo you to pass!" he said, eyes narrowed. Kevin and Esther exchanged fearful glances.

"Don't do it, Terrence!" Kevin urged.

"Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how pathetically simple it would be for me to win ANY game against you? All right, how do you play this childish game of Roshambo?" Terrence asked.

"Like this!" Cartman kicked Terrence right in the testicles, the boy's brown eyes widening, a moan escaping his throat as he collapsed. Now four had fallen to Cartman, all in front of the school. Nurse Gollum certainly had much work to do. "Now let's get to your house, Kev, then we can hang out without these assholes!" Kevin looked in horror at the demise around him at the hands of Cartman.

"Dude, look what he did to Kyle!" Esther said, eyes wide, looking at the Jewish boy sadly.

"Hey, where's Bradley?"

"Aw, crap, I forgot about him. Where could he be?" Esther and Kevin were being half-dragged by Cartman, not able to get the best look around.

"Haha, I'm gonna make it, I-" Cartman stopped in his tracks, "...the fuck is this!?" he said, looking in front of him. Kevin and Esther turned to see Cartman blocked by a blade of pure energy.

"It's a lightsaber, Cartman." smirked Red, holding the blade.

"Is that what I think it is!?" Kevin exclaimed, eyes wide.

"The only real, working lightsaber in existence? Yep!" Red smirked. "Esther and me bought it after school yesterday for you with your money since we knew you wanted it but were too busy giving your money away to go for it. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I figured it might come in handy."

"A real lightsaber!? Haha, you stupid bitch, lightsabers are fake. They're invented by that dumb rapist George Lucas to make money. Watch." Cartman waved his hand through the beam. "See, nothing?" he tracted his hand only to notice his pinky was now missing. "...the fuck!? What the fuck!?" he stared, stunned.

"Are we still buddies, Eric?" Kevin asked, crossing his arms. Kevin stared, looked at his hand, then turned around and ran back towards his house.

"MOOOOM! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAM! MEEEEEEEEEEEEM!"

"Guys, guys, it's going to be okay! I got Officer Bar- aw, crap!" Bradley stopped, Officer Barbrady right next to him, the plump police officer looking around.

"Where's this, uh, evildoer, little boy?"

"He was right here, Officer Barbrady, honest!"

"You shouldn't play tricks on police officers, little boy!" Barbrady scolded, "I have to get back to the Station." he said, leaving. Bradley frowned.

"I... guess I'll be seeing you guys around... shablagoo!" Bradley turned around and began walking towards home.

"Bradley, wait!" Esther shouted, "I'll see you guys later, I better make sure he's okay." she rolled her eyes and chased after Bradley. Kevin and Red were now alone. Red pressed a button and retracted the glowing blade into the metal weapon, holding out for Kevin. He smiled at her and silently took it, eyes widened when he realized it was much heavier than anticipated, then he adjusted it to his belt.

"Red, thanks, I-" a hand was on Kevin's mouth.

"Don't mention it, Kevie. Anything for my best friend." she smiled. He tried to start again, but she silenced him once more, "Kev, you needed my help, I helped you. That's what friends are for. No need to thank me." she smiled, "I'll see you later." she said as she left.

"You know... I learned something today..." Kevin said, smirking, "I'll save it for the paper." he said, walking home.

xXx

"...and that's why Wendy is my best friend in the whole world. Thank you." Bebe Stevens bowed, handed his teacher to Mr. Garrison and took his seat.

"Thank you, Bebe, for your little paper. Not as homo-erotic as Stan or Kyle's, but then again I don't think any of you can hold a candle to that. Next is... let's see... Stevens, Stoley, Stoley, Stotch... all right, next is Kevin." Kevin got up to read his paper, facing his audience - Kyle is bandaged up, with blisters, but his eyes seem okay now. Bill, Fosse and Terrence are in the other class and not present.

"Not too long ago, I won a contest and got a million dollars. At first I was happy with the newfound popularity I got - I had a chance to meet new people and hang around with a whole different group. It was nice at first. But things got sour quick - and next thing I know, my real friends are getting pushed to the side for the new guys. I was abandoning traditions with my old buddies in favor of the other kids. When one of my new friends got out of hand, none of my new friends cared - but my old buddies came to attention. A few of them" he paused for a second, Kyle rubbing his bandage, "Tried to help me and got hurt. And one of them went through a lot of trouble just to make sure I came out safe and okay." Kevin smiled and nodded subtly towatds Red. "I learned something yesterday, and that is that true friendship is about who you trust. When I was in trouble, my three best friends saved me, and some of them got injured in the process. A few of them nearly got killed. Not the people who want to play football with you because you have money. When you're at the end of the universe, the people who follow you there are your friends. That's what friendship means to me. Thank you." Kevin said, nodding and handing Garrison the paper before walking back to his seat, ignoring the angry glare from Cartman, who's hand was bandaged up.

"Well, I stand corrected, Kevin, you did manage to hold a candle to Stan and Kyle's homo-erotic papers. Unfortunately, there's are still gayer." Garrison filed the paper, "Next is Esther Stoley..."

Kevin sat, stealing a sad glance towards Kyle, who forced a smile back - apparently the bear mace had narrowly missed his eyes, sparing him from possible blindness. He then glanced at Red and Bradley, and they all smiled together.

 **The End**


	9. Play It Again, Stan

**A/N:** _The closest thing to 'good' anything I wrote for SPU ever was... but still pretty awful. I really made Stan and Kyle dicks, didn't I? Special thanks to Ama for helping out a lot on this one.  
_

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"Play It Again, Stan"**

 _by JVM-SP150_

"Randy Marsh!" Sharon Marsh stood in her pajamas - which, to her husband's regret, were actually quite baggy - with half-lidded, blue eyes staring with anger at her husband, her brown hair wild and her arms crossed.

"I said I was sorry!" Randy said, hands together. He was wearing simple blue pajamas, his black hair neat yet messy as always, his brown eyes looking away, wide with worry.

"I can't believe you gave us food poisoning again!" she said angrily, "You gave little Stanley salmonella last month and last week you sent Shelly to school with sex jelly in her sandwhich! You know, for a geologist, you're not exactly smart!"

"Yeah, well, uhh... your hair's colored like shit." Randy said defiantly, as if this was a genuis, master insult.

Outside the door, sat their two children. "Again with this?" said Stan, in his usual poofball hat, black hair spilled out and Terrance and Phillip pajamas on. Next to him was Shelly, in pink pajamas with messy, stringy brown hair and brown eyes.

"Sheemsh sho, turd." Shelly sighed, weakly waving her arm in the air. She seemed to lack even the enthusiasm for her favorite passtime, "Itsh getting kind of annoying."

"Yeah, I mean once a week wasn't that bad, we just didn't get dinner one night a week. But now..." Stan noted.

"Well maybe if Roy was so much better you should have married him!" yelled Randy.

"I did!"

"God, this is almost as bad as that time I slept over at Kenny's House." Stan sighed.

xXx

Stan was sleeping in a Terrance and Phillip sleeping bag on the floor next to a mattress and blanket - lacking a pillow - where Kenny slept, orange hood to the side. The room was extremely dirty, the only clean items being a few posters on the wall of scantily clad women, some orange curtains, and a closet.

"Where've you been all day?" came a scratchy voice with a southern accent from the other room. Stan immediatedly recognized the voice as Kenny's mother.

"Wh-where've you been?" came another voice, from the same viscinity. Kenny's father, Stan could tell.

"I've been here at home, you drunken piece of shit!" Stan's eyes opened and he sat up. "Where were you, did you get lost at the liquor store? Or were you arrested again?"

"Shut up you fat cow! Maybe if you weren't such a bitch I wouldn't be running off all the time!"

"Fat cow? So all of the sudden I'm unattractive?"

"I only had sex with you 'cause I felt sorry for you!"

"Put a sock in it you prick! You're not the one who's been in them magazines!" Kenny looked away with a creeped out expression towards his dresser. Stan stared toward the wall, looking quite scared.

"Yeah, well unlike you, I'm not a whore."

"Oh right, 'cause you totally know what a fuckin' flirt y'are when you're drunk. Do you know how many times Liane Cartman's called me saying you came over when ya drank?"

"Yeah, and you've never slept around?"

"Shut up and go to sleep!" came a screeching female voice, and for several moments, Kenny and Stan heard nothing.

"Thank God for my sister." Kenny mumbled as the two boys went back to sleep.

xXx

"Think maybe Grampa will shut them up?" Stan asked. "I mean, it's been like fifteen minutes now."

"Grampa doesn't give a shit, Shelly..." Stan sighed. "And me and the guys were gonna go set cow crap on fire tomorrow... godammit."

"You're shcrewed, turd" Shelly said, "At leasht I have earmuffsh." Shelly smirked, going to her room, closing and locking the door. Stan sighed,

"I hate you, Shelly." he said as he went to his own room, laying down in his bed, trying to close his eyes.

"...yeah, well you have a guy hairstyle!" came Randy's voice.

"It's not a guy hairstyle! Like you'd know a thing about hair!" Stan heard his mother reply.

"I do too know about hair! I grew this mustache after all!"

"Oh, put a sock on it. You barely even know Geology. How many times have you lost your job? How many times have you got it back without even telling us how?"

"Oh sure Sharon, bring that up again. Assuming that is your real name!"

"You're the one who gets all hot and bothered when he's cooking!"

"At least I don't leave my tampons where children can see them!"

"My tampons are a problem? What about your thong!"

"Maybe I wouldn't wear a thong if you'd actually have sex once in a while!" Stan rolled over and covered his head with his pillow.

xXx

The next morning, Farmer Carl Denkins' Ranch was a bit rowdier than usual. Luckily for the rest of town, Denkins was out for the day - so his ranch could play it's regular role as a playpen for the children. Four boys sat in the cows' pen, gathered around a large pile of shit. Eric Cartman was fat as always in his usual outfit, cap and all. Next to him sat Kenny, still in his parka, blue eyes watching the sight in front of him. Next to Kenny sat Tweek, a boy with twitchy blonde hair in a gray misbuttoned shirt. Then was Kyle, who wore an orange jacket with a green ushanka covering his auburn curls, with brown eyes. Last, in front of them was Butters, who had a puff of blonde hair and wore a light blue jacket as he stepped forward, then took out a lighter and lit the cow shit on fire.

"Dude, that one was awesome." said Kyle, smiling.

"AUGH! What if we get caught you guys? What if the farmer tries to shoot us? Oh Jesus!" Tweek said.

"Tweek man, you gotta lay off the coffee." Cartman rolled his blue eyes. Kenny just laughed as Stan finally walked up, half-lidded eyes with bags under them. His shirt was misbuttoned, he only had one glove and hair was out from under his beanie. He must have dressed quite hastily.

"Dude, you don't look so good." Kyle said.

"Yeah, yeah, worry about your stupid boyfriend, Kyle..." Cartman rolled his eyes.

"Oooh, Eric, you didn't tell me Stan and Kyle were boyfriends. Oh jeez... poor Wendy..."

"We're not, Butters! I don't know why everyone keeps thinking we're dating! Can't two guys just be platonic super best friends?" Kyle said angrily.

"...no." Cartman answered, "As soon as High School rolls around, you and Stan will be making out non-fuckin'-stop."

"AUGH! Being gay is way too much pressure, man. I mean Christ, it's hard enough with girls already!"

"I'm sorry, guys." Stan finally spoke, his voice weak, "I got no sleep at all last night. My parents kept fighting."

"They did? Why?" Kyle asked.

"Ooh, my parents used to fight all the time. A-and then my dad went away for a few days..."

"...yeah whatever Butters. Continue Stan." Cartman said.

"I don't know what to do, guys." Stan said, "At this rate, I'm never gonna get any sleep."

"I think I have an idea, dude." Kyle said, "My parents are taking my family on this cruise. It's for the weekend before Valentine's Day."

"Is it expensive?"

"Nah, my mom said it was pretty cheap for a cruise."

"Oh boy, you two are going on a cruise together. Is it the Love Boat?" Cartman asked, laughing.

"Shut up fatass! The only reason I'm telling Stan about this is so his stupid parents make up!" Kyle insisted.

"Whatever. Screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman said, pointing off as he left towards his house. Tweek, Kenny and Butters sat next to each other now.

"Thanks for the advice dude... hey, it's a romantic cruise, right?" Stan said.

"Totally. Dad kept saying about how it might help him with his nerection problem."

"...that again?"

"Yeah, he has this nerectile infunction and it comes back every few months."

"Lame... maybe I can invite Wendy, dude."

"You're still worried about that? Didn't you two make up like three weeks ago." Butters said, remembering the events not too fondly.

"Well yeah I guess, but I dunno, I'm still kinda worried..." Stan said.

"It can't hurt. Besides I'm sure Wendy's family would like a getaway, too." Kyle noted, smiling at his super best friend.

"Ah! Jesus, a Cruise would be-"

"Let me guess Tweek, way too much pressure?" Kyle said.

"- no, I was going to say it'd be a perfect oppurtunity to get away from the Underpants Gnomes." Tweek twitched, "Gah! But I couldn't go. My parents wouldn't have anyone to tend to the coffee shop."

"I'll go talk to my parents about it. Thanks Kyle." Stan smiled, running off.

"...so, uh, what now?" Butters asked. Kenny took out a lighter, ran forward and lit another pile of cow shit on fire, and the boys cheered once more.

xXx

"Mom, Dad..." Stan entered the kitchen. Randy was reading the newspaper and drinking a beer while Sharon cooked lunch - both stealing angry glances towards each other. Shelly sat as well, her iPod on, Britney Spears blasting. "I had an idea to um, fix your issues and stuff..."

"There aren't any issues at all, Stanley." Sharon said angrily, blue eyes focused on her cooking. Her voice was almost screechy - it was clear she was lying just by the tone of her voice, much less the violent way she broke open the eggs.

"What the hell gave you that idea?" replied Randy, slamming his beer bottle on to the table.

"N-nothing, I was just thinking, there's this cruise coming up and it's cheap and stuff and I thought it'd be perfect for you guys." Stan said, taking out a brochure.

"A cruise, huh?" Randy snatched the brochure to take a look. He raised an eyebrow, "That actually is pretty cheap. The ship must be a hunk of junk. Two days in the open sea, huh? Doesn't that sound nice, Sharon?" he gritted his teeth as his wife grabbed the brochure.

"Oh wow, that is a good idea, Stanley. We could all get away from this town for a while." she said with a half-smile, "Shelly, would you like to go on a cruise?"

"Whatever, mom." Shelly did not want to be interrupted from Ms. Spears' voice right now.

"Great. We'll buy tickets right away!"

"If you know how, you stupid cow." Randy said nonchalantly.

"Gee Randy, thanks for your vote of confidence." Sharon said sarcastically. "Thank you, Stanley." she said, only to notice their son no longer standing where he was. "Stanley?" Stan had taken a seat at the table and fallen asleep.

"That's your fault." Randy added.

xXx

"Wendy, are you there?" Bebe Stevens' voice asked, curly blonde locks spilling over a red-and-gray jacket. She stood in her room, blue walls and pink carpet. She had her cell phone to her ear, "Godammit Wendy, answer right now!"

"Bebe, relax, I already answered." came Wendy's voice. She was in her pink room laying near her poster of Nicholas Hoult. Her silky black hair was mostly hidden under a beret, the rest of it resting down her back and on her shoulders. She wore her normal purple jacket and yellow skirt. "What is it?"

"So Red told me that she heard from Craig that Tweek found out Stan's taking you on a cruise!" Bebe replied.

"Yeah, he just called about it. My parents are taking me though, it was just Stan's idea."

"Wendy, you are so lucky! I wish CLYDE would take me on a cruise." Bebe said with clear jealousy.

"I've already packed. It's really exciting, isn't it?" she said, a suitcase next to her with clothes, books and a journal.

"It is! I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks Bebe. I'll try to text you from the cruise if I can." Wendy said, smiling. Bebe squealed.

"You are the best friend ever, Wendy!"

"Yeah, yeah." Wendy rolled her eyes.

"So what are you packing?"

"You know, clothes, a nice dress, a journal, World History 101, a Valentine's card for Stan, a scrapbook... I'll probably pack some more books. And an iPod of course. Who doesn't have an iPod?"

"I don't think Kenny has one..."

"Wendy! Bedtime!" came a woman's voice from outside Wendy's door.

Wendy turned away, "Okay mom!" she returned to the phone, "Gotta go, Bebe, talk to you tomorrow!"

"Later!"

xXx

The ship was rickety and old. Nonetheless, she maintained a very clean appearance - for many, it was hard to tell the SS Cruiseship was nothing more than your average cruise liner. It took some good janitors to keep such a ship in check, and thankfully, it worked out quite well. She was nearing the end of her service regardless - the Captain guessed this would be her final voyage. The officers waited as people boarded.

"Hey, wow, it's crowded on here." Randy said as his family was huddled together in the middle, "Must be since it was so cheap I guess. "

"Hey, Randy, over here!" the Broflovski family was crowded over as well about fifteen feet away, again huddled within several

"Hey, isn't something missing?" Stan said.

"Yeah..." Shelly looked around.

"Oh my God, we forgot dad!" Randy exclaimed loudly, shocked beyond belief at his own stupidity.

xXx

"Billy? Billy, have you seen my rope?" came the old voice of Grampa Marvin Marsh, with more wrinkles than a prune as he wheeled around the Marsh home, "Billy? Howard?"

xXx

"All right everyone, I am Captain Marples!" came the voice of a man on top of several crates. Stan questioned the logic of such a situation. He wore a traditional cruse ship captain uniform, a lopsided white cap with black rim over sandy blonde hair, blue eyes and chiseled features staring forward. He seemed to be a man of great dicipline, and he seemed quite young for such an old ship. "This ship belongs to me. Please go to your assigned cabins and prepare for the voyage. There are a lot of people aboard, but let's all try to be respectful of those around us, ya?"

"Aye, Captain!" Randy said, saluting. The rest of the crowd stared at him.

"I will be in my quarters for now, and I apologize in advance for any turbulence we experience. This is an old ship, mates, there is not much time left for her. Any questions?" A hand was raised. "Yes?"

"Where's the mini-golf?"

"That's on the SS Expensiveshit, you must be on the wrong ship, my good man." Maples replied, and a small flood of people left the boat. Suddenly it was much more roomy, though still there were a fair amount of people. Several people let out a breath. A few children had nearly suffocated, including Ike, who spent the next several minutes taking deep breaths. "Now, I said find your cabins."

"Hey Stan, didn't you say your little girlfriend was on here?" asked Sharon.

"Yeah dude." Stan noted.

"Looks like we'll finally get to meet her parents." Randy said, "I wonder what the Testaburgers are like..."

"We'll find out later, let's just find our cabin." Stan said, crossing his arms, not in the mood to think about his girlfriend's family. He didn't go around the Testaburger home too often, and when he did, he didn't prefer to stay long. He didn't anticipate this challenge.

"We're in Room 138." Randy noted, taking a key out of his pocket. "You see it, son?"

"No."

"There it is, dad!" Shelly smiled, pushing several people out of the way and running for a door. The people got up, shot looks, then went on their merry way as if nothing had happened. Nobody messed with Shelly Marsh, it seemed. The Marsh family quickly caught up to their daughter, Randy putting the key into the door and opening it,

"Wow, three beds." Randy said, laying on one. "Which one of you kids is sleeping on the floor?"

"What?" Stan exclaimed with anger.

"Stan, your mother's ass is too big and there won't be enough room for both of us on the bed." Randy explained.

"What!?" Sharon crossed her arms, "Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of your internet porn!"

"Jesus watches porn, I suppose we should convert to Scientology!" Randy accused.

"Aw, Christ." Stan nosebridgepinched. Shelly, noticing their parents distracted, raised her arm, "You can have the bed." Shelly lowered her arm, feeling defeated. If Stan felt like shit and was ready to be attacked, there was no point in attacking. She went to one of the beds as Stan laid in a corner.

"...Godammit."

xXx

"I'm on a boat-" Randy Marsh was cut off by his wife's hand. Her blue eyes met his brown, and she removed her hand.

"What did I tell you about singing that song?" There was a long pause.

"...I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Everybody look at me, 'cause I'm sailing on a boat! I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Take a good, long, look at the motherfucking boat!" Randy smiled.

"Are you guys sure it's safe to walk on this deck? This boat seems old." Stan said.

"Well, we should meet our... cruise-mates, whatever." noted Randy out loud, "Hey, look, I think I saw a sea turte!" Randy ran to the side of the boat, peeking over the railing, "Awh man, it's gone."

"Of course you'd think you saw something." Sharon rolled her eyes, crossing her arms.

"Shee you later, turdle-dove." Shelly punched Stan and ran off. Stan rubbed his wound and ignored his arguing parents and went to find Kyle or Wendy. He thought quickly of the various places on the ship and then snapped his fingers - of course.

xXx

The cruise ship had a a small library. The furniture was wooden and there weren't many books - most revolving around marine life, the ocean, ships and the like. It was far from the big expensive libraries Kyle often fantasized about, but it quelled his desire for knowledge, reading and peace. He was almost alone, but he didn't need to worry. Wendy was reading not far, but she was a mature individual at least. But to his surprise, her parents were there, too - Deborah was reading a book on city planning, and Sean was reading a book on... Kyle couldn't make it out. It was all quite peaceful. Just how Kyle liked it.

"GAH!" Kyle hopped up in his seat, landing, and turning, "What the he- oh, it's just you, Stan." he said, "'sup man?"

"I'm bored. I've never been on a cruise before dude. I don't even know what to do." Kyle shrugged, "Well what kind of stuff's on here?"

"There's an Arcade, an Aquarium, a bowling alley... there was a basketball court but apparently they had to close it."

"An Arcade? Let's go." Stan smiled, "Oh, uh, hold on... I'll meet you there in five." he said. Kyle nodded, shrugged and left as Stan approached the Testaburger family, "Hello."

"Oh, hello..." Sean said, raising an eyebrow. Wendy smiled and got up to hug him,

"Hi Stan!"

"BLEEEAUGH!" Vomit quickly covered the two children to the shock of Wendy's parents. "Sorry Wendy."

"It's okay." Wendy turned, hand on Stan's, "Mom, dad, this is my boyfriend, Stan."

"...I don't think he should be spending time with you if he's sick, Wendy." Deborah noted with concern at her daughter, who did not seem to even notice the fact the remains of a hearty breakfast now covered her cap, face, hair, and body. Yet her mother was distressed by the sight of her daughter covered in bits of egg and bacon.

"He's not sick. That's just how he says 'I love you'. Right Stan?"

"BLEUGH!"

"Hey, there was a guy at my school who did that, Randy." Sean laughed a bit. "He was pretty stupid, kind of a big bully. One of the football players with that Quib guy. He used to smoke weed constantly... what do you remember, Deborah?"

"He was pretty good in bed."

"What?"

"What?"

"Hey, m-my dad's name is Randy." noted Stan out loud nervously. He immediately wished those words had not left his mouth.

"...what did you say your last name is?" Sean raised an eyebrow as he looked at the boy. His wife and daughter exchanged looks of nervousness as he closely studied the boy. Stan felt the eyes on him like daggers.

"Randy Marsh."

"Oh ho ho Randy Marsh is your father? Wow do I feel sorry for you." Sean said, putting a hand on his face. The poor kid.

Deborah slapped her husband lightly on the arm, "Oh come on Sean, Randy was so great to me in high school, I'm sure he's matured since then. He managed to marry and have a son! I'm sure your dad is a great guy Stanley."

"Oh really he was the biggest asshole in High School!" Sean replied

"You knew my father?"

Deborah laughed again. "Knew him! We dated throughout junior and half of senior year! I always wondered what happened to Randy. I had no clue your boyfreind's last name was Marsh Wendy!"

"Well you never ask me about my boyfriend." Wendy replied

Sean crossed his arms. "I never liked the idea of my little girl dating so young." He pointed a finger in Stan's terrified face. "I have my eye on you young man!"

"Uhhh... 'kay. You know she dated Token that one time too so it hasn't always just been me." Stan said quickly, again regretting his words.

Wendy looked shocked. "Stan! Don't worry, daddy, Stan is a prefect gentleman to me!"

"He better be or I'll have his hide." Sean gave Stan a dirty look. Deborah patted her husband on the arm again.

"Shh honey, they're only nine, nothing bad will happen. Go back to reading your copy of Lord Of The Rings."

"Oh I love that movie!" Stan piped up, smiling.

"No sucking up to me young man! I'm sure you're young and innocent now but once you hit puberty I know exactly where your mind will be!" Sean was glaring at the boy he sure hoped was not his future son-in-law. Stan wanted to run the hell out, but memories of his girlfriend kept him firm in place.

"That's okay Mr. Testaburger, I already went though puberty!"

"You don't think with your dick do you?!"

"No sir I think with my heart." Stan said

"Oh Stan you are so sweet!" Wendy gave Stan another kiss on the cheek, and he promptly threw up on her again automatically.

"BLEUGH!"

"Good, otherwise I'd have chopped it off. You seem like a nice, mature , boy... a bit of a weak stomach though." Sean commented, seemingly won, but defenses still ready should he step a toe out of line.

"He thinks with his heart and his stomach sweetie! It's cute!" Deborah smiled, trying to find the best in her daughter's boyfriend.

"Yeah, you thought it was cute when that asshole Randy would do it to you in high school, too. I'm so glad you're not with that loser anymore." Sean said to his wife dismissively.

"So what is your mother's name, Stanley?" asked Deborah.

"Sharon, the woman who married that loser. My mom." said Stan.

"What? Sharon Kimble?" Sean said, putting his book down, green eyes with shock, "Tell me you're kidding!"

"What does it matter to you?" Stan asked.

"It's nothing, just, uh, Sharon Kimble was the head cheerleader in High School. Smart girl, too." Sean said. "It's nothing."

"Oh no, don't tell me... aw, AWH!" Stan nosebridgepinched. He did not need to think about his parents fucking his girlfriend's parents.

"Look, it was a... different time..." Deborah said, looking away, hands together.

"Is that what this is- aw, no, I wasn't involved with Sharon, I just..." Sean grumbled, "Nothing, I just really really liked her."

"No offense Mr. Testaburger, but a lot of guys really really liked my mom." Stan said, "I mean, sometimes I still spot guys gawking at her in the super maket."

"When your mom started.. developing in the fourth grade... I... I was like a different person." Sean insisted, suddenly quick to cover his own perverted tracks.

"Dad!" "Sean!" both Deborah and Wendy looked horrifed and Stan's face started to turn green again.

"How dare you objectify Stan's mom back then dad!"

"I couldn't help it, I was only nine! And I know exactly what I wanted to do then - you may think you have me fooled Stanley Marsh, but I was once in your shoes." Sean narrowed his eyes at Stan.

"Look dude, I don't like Wendy like that-" Sean's glare was still intense, "I mean, I do, she's pretty and all, but-" No change. "Aw, godammit, I can't win can I?"

"WENDY MARIE TESTABURGER I FORBID YOU FROM SEEING THE OFFSPRING OF RANDY MARSH AND SHARON KIMBLE!"

"You can't do that daddy! You can't!" Wendy looked horrified, holding her two hands together, her brown eyes staring at her father with fear.

"Wendy, go back to the room and... just take a shower. Don't get any ideas about that Stanley either." ordered Sean. Wendy's face crumpled up as if she was going to cry as she bolted out of the room.

"Wendy, wait..." Stan sighed.

"The thought of my little girl walking around covered in puke and liking it, its disgraceful." Sean shook his head.

"Now Sean be nice. I'm so sorry about that Stanley. If you want introduce your parents to us sometime before this is over okay?" Deborah said, hoping to diffuse the situation. She'd wanted to be a social worker as a little girl, she felt bad to see her husband go off like this.

"Yeah, okay..." Stan mubmled, his blue eyes staring away towards the girl he could not see.

"Come on Deborah." Sean said, taking his wife's arm and moving away from Stan, out of the library, and into the hallway. Stan stood there, staring forward where Wendy had been, and he felt the song pouring into his head again.

"Thank my lucky stars...  
Here before me now...  
Is everything I'd ever hoped for...  
Saw it in the wind...  
Knew it in a glance...  
The only thing I think I'd die for...  
I can't stop now...  
My heart's awake...  
I feel your arms...  
My arms to take...  
So this is why I'm alive..."

xXx

Shelly Marsh sat by the luxurious pool in the sun, she still wore her jacket as she looked across the pool at some sunbathing women wearing bikinis. She was a bit too embarassed with her appearance to be seen in public in a bathing suit like that. Ever since her headgear had been installed her self-esteem had went down the toliet. She sat back in her chair putting her sunglasses on her head pretending to take a nap.

A waiter apporached her, "Excuse me miss, can I get you anything?"

Shelly thought for a minute when another employee ran up to the waiter, "Hey Larry. You remember that guy in the bar, the one with the black moustache? He's not allowed to be served there anymore, just a heads up."

"God, there's always one stupid drunk on the cruise who ruins it for everyone isn't there?" the waiter looked down at Shelly.

"Are you here with family, miss?"

"My familysh dead." Shelly quipped sarcastically. She had not thought it out, there was no premeditation - the words came out. Unlike her pussy brother, she didn't care though.

"I'm so sorry to hear that! Are you from the charity? The one offering free cruises to orphans?"

"Sure I am." Shelly said, not really giving two shits, deciding to humor them. She enjoyed screwing with people's heads, and this was a perfect oppurtunity. "My dad got too drunk onshe behind the wheel and crashed. My brother was in the car and died inshantly. Mom killed hershelf becaushe she couldn't take the pain." She kept her pokerface up, although she really wanted to laugh at the idea of Stan being a bloody mess on the pavement.

The waiter shook his head. "You poor thing, you've been through so much. Anything you want on this cruise is complementary okay? I'll bring you anything you want."

"Really now?" Shelly sat up, sunglasses falling down her nose slightly, an eyebrow raised. She applied a fake sweetness to her voice, "Gee shir, thatsh really nishe of you."

"And your room miss, how's your room? I know the charity gives private luxury suites to all of it's children."

"It was fine, ooh, but I seem to have lost my key, can you make me another copy?" Shelly asked.

"Yes, I'll bring it to you immediately, miss!" the waiter nodded, rushing off. Shelly smirked and put her arms behind her head - she could get used to this.

xXx

"I just don't know what to do, dude."

"Uh-huh." Kyle Broflovski loved arcades. He also loved Battle Growlers V. But most importantly, he loved kicking Stan's ass at Battle Growlers V. Kyle's Alpha Velociraptor was slashing, bitching and positively destroying Stan's Spinosaurus, and Stan was barely moving the controller, his eyes not focused. Kyle had to feign interest in his friend's romantic problems - Kyle could care less about girls or romance since his girlfriend was deported to Yardale by her parents. Assholes.

"I love Wendy, and I don't want to lose her, but her parents won't let us be together."

"Yeah, right."

"I figured you might have an idea what to do. You're the smartest person I know besides Wendy." Kyle paused the game turned around and glared.

"BESIDES Wendy?"

"Dude, I-"

"Look Stan, you're letting your love for Wendy get in the way of things and blind you. Being on a cruise is about having fun. Quit whining and just try to enjoy yourself. Wendy's parents will get over it. Jesus Christ."

"You don't get it Kyle! Her parents hate mine without giving me a chance! It's like Romeo and Juliet." Kyle did a combo move tearing the head off Stan's Spinosaurs. He sighed and put down his controller.

"You are such a fag when it comes to your girlfriend, dude."

"It is dude, it's like Romeo and Juliet, just on a boat." insisted Stan.

They heard the door open as Randy appeared, I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat, look at me motherfucker hanging out with my son and his freind on a motherfucking boat!"

"Dad!"

"Hi Mr. Marsh." Kyle greeted.

"Stanley, you haven't seen your sister around have you?" he asked.

"Can't say that I have... hey dad can you do me a favor?" Stan asked hopefully.

"Kyle, have you seen your dad around?" Randy ignored his son's plea.

"Dad! Don't have any more drinks now! I want you to meet someone kind of important to me." Stan said nervously.

"What, is Brian Boitano on the boat? I"M ON A BOAT IM ON A BOAT WITH A MOTHERFUCKING FIGURE SKATING STAR!" Kyle snickered at Randy's behavior - if it was his dad doing that he would be mortified, but it was helping Stan shut the fuck up about Wendy and crappy Shakespeare plays and stuff. Like Wendy could ever be smarter than him.

xXx

Shelly had asked for the most expensive restaraunt on the ship and by God they listened - Le Merde practically charged an entrance fee. Shelly was sitting with an attendent who was to cater to her every whim - at first it bothered her she'd be followed the whole time, but she grew to like the idea of having a minion. "Sho, what'sh the most expenshive item on the menu?" Shelly asked the attendent, who's name was of no importance to her.

"Little Tortured Baby Cow Chops, ma'am." he answered, flashing his best smile.

"Oh, schweet..." Shelly said, "I mean, uh, my brother loved little tortured baby cow shopsh before he was, uh, killed..." she lied, a part of her wanting to eat it just with the knowledge of how pissed her brother would be if he knew.

"All righty then." the man said. Shelly suspected slightly if he was Mormon, but this was interrupted as a waiter approached.

"Hi, what would you like?" this waiter made no attempt to fake a French accent. Cheapass. That was coming out of his tip.

"I'd like two platesh of Little Tortured Baby Chow Chopsh, pleashe." Shelly smiled. "Oh, and for an appetizer, the chicken caesar salad."

"Oh, it'll be right here!" the waiter nodded, writing down her order and dashing off.

"I'm really sorry about your brother." the attendent said, "How old was he?"

"Oh, he was nine.' Shelly replied.

"Too young for such a tragedy, you two must have been so close."

"He was a stupid turd."

"Awh," the man said, "You don't need to hide your feelings, Shelly, we all deal with the loss of a loved one."

"No really, he WAS a stupid turd."

"That's not a very nice thing to say. What happened? Was your mother involved?"

"Yeah she was driving. Dad drank himself to death..."

"You poor thing, you've been through so much." he said consolingly.

xXx

Stan rapped at the door to the Testaburgers' room, awaiting an answer. Godammit, why was Wendy's father such an ass. Kyle had tagged along for the ride with the Marsh males.

"Hello?" Wendy's mother Deborah answered the door smiling, "Oh Randy, hello! Long time no see!"

Randy was busy singing the I'm on a boat song to whatever they were passing on the way to the cabin, as if life depended on it, but he stared in shock when he saw Deborah, even dropping his beer can to the floor. "Debbie Simmons, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, me and my husband were on the cruise. You remember Sean Testaburger?"

"Oh, Sean? That one nerd who practically lived in the library?" Randy laughed, "Awh, me and the guys used to throw rocks at him all the time outside of class. And that time in the library we stole his book and gave it back to him like three weeks after it was overdue that was classic. Whatever happened to that buttmuch anyway?"

"I'm right here." Sean said, appearing behind his wife. Randy's laughter stopped immiedately, "Hello Randy."

"Oh... uhhh hey Sean." Randy scratched the back of his neck, "How are you and Debbie?" There was a pause. "Debbie, how's your sister?"

"She moved to some Rhode Island town years ago, got a job in broadcasting. She died last fall. Long story." Deborah replied, as if there was no tension in this situation. "We miss Aunt Diane, don't we Wendy?"

"Yes mom." Wendy said blankly, focused on getting a glimpse of her boyfriend.

"I'm so sorry for your loss Debbie." Stan was kind of shocked how his father kind of straightened up and was actually acting... like an adult. He supposed there was a first time for everything though.

"Funny how we run into you. What's the occasion, Stanley?" Wendy pushed through the crowded doorway to her cabin and grabbed her boyfreind's hand, met with a prompt spray of puke to her face.

"Stanley? This is your girlfreind? Debbie Simmons' daughter? GOOD JOB SON!" Sean Testaburger looked like he was about to shoot something, while Debbie looked either pleased or embarassed. Or possibly both.

"No." Sean said, pulling Wendy back, "No daughter of mine is dating a Marsh child." he insisted, glaring at Randy.

"What? Nothing's wrong with me or my son, isn't that right Stanley?" Stan bent over and puked again. Kyle faceplamed, this was just embarassing.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about!" Sean said, "Not only is he the offspring of a jock asswipe, but he keeps puking on my little girl! Do you know how many showers she has to take? How many new sets of clothes she's bought?"

"Daddy, I told you it was fine! I don't mind taking lots of showers, and Stan eats pretty healthy so the stains come out of my jackets pretty easily!" Wendy protested solemnly.

"It's the principal of the matter is what's wrong with it!"

"Oh, so now you don't like what I allow my son to eat, is that right? Just go back to the library again nerd!" Randy said angrily.

"Being a nerd gave me my career." Sean crossed his arms.

"Oh yeah? Well I'm the most trusted scientist in the entire town!"

"That's because the other scientist just adds more asses to whatever the problem is!" Sean said.

"Stop!" Kyle stepped in between the warring parents, "Isn't it childish to let a feud from what, fifteen years ago come between your children? Stan hasn't bullied anyone - except Pip, but everyone bullied Pip, that's different - and Wendy's a smart girl who can make her own decisions. You can't just block your kids from seeing each other over some silly crap from when you were a little older than them. It's not fair to them." Kyle said.

"See, this is the kind of boy Wendy should be dating! A nice, smart Jewish boy." Sean said, crossing his arms.

"What!?" Stan's eyes widened, jaw dropping instantly at the mere idea of his best friend and girlfriend as anything aside that.

"But we're Catholic dear..." said Deborah.

"What does that have to do with anything? You know Jewish boys are the guys every girl goes for..." Sean replied, "Besides he's smart, and he doesn't vomit on everything." he glared at Stan.

"Dude, no way, that's Stan's girlfriend." Kyle said, "Besides, my mom would have a cow. She prefers nice, Jewish girls. I don't want her to start another war."

"Your mother started a war?" Deborah said.

Kyle sighed. "She was the starter of the Canadian American war a year ago, and it's a sterotype to say all girls go insane for Jewish guys. It gives me a headache." Kyle took off his hat to rub his head and Deborah rushed up to him.

"Your hair is so cute Kyle! So red and curly!" She patted him on the head and he made a distaseful face and put his hat back on. Sean was mulling over the detalis in his head.

"For the love of Jesus..." Stan facepalmed.

"Your mother was Sheila Broflovski? She's not married to Gerald Broflovski is she?"

"Yeah my dad is named Gerald!" Kyle said.

"Hey, my best friend is named Gerald! Do you think they're related?" Randy interjected.

"I see his ads on television all the time! He always takes high-profile cases, I follow him in the paper. I've always been a fan of your father, Kyle." Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose.

Sean glared at Randy. "Except for that whole cheezing incedent. I can see how freindship can change you." Sean glared at Randy and Stan again.

"Come on!" Stan glared.

"Wow Stan your dad is an epic failure."

"Yes Kyle Broflovski, I can see you're a very intellegent and well adjusted young man - the very type of person who should be hanging around my daughter. I would be so dissappointed if my daughter ended up with the last name Marsh." Sean said.

"And it would be so cute to have red headed curly hair grandchildren." Debbie said. Sean glared slightly at his wife.

"Whoa whoa whoa there Sean, my son is nine years old, he should't have to worry about being tied down until he's at least 18." Randy said.

"It's puppy love Mr. Testaburger. Maybe you should see how it rides out pehaps?" Kyle said again, slightly defensively, as Stan and Wendy both shot him dirty looks.

"Daddy I love Stan, you can't keep us apart!" Wendy rushed up to hug her boyfreind around the neck but he threw up again, the vomit going down her back.

"That does it! Wendy should be enriching her mind with a boy like Kyle, not scrubbing stains out of clothes with a boy like Stan!" Sean Testaburger tried to pry his daughter off Stan as the boy continued to puke.

He grabbed hold of her by the sholders and dragged her back into the cabin despite Wendy's protests. "But but we've been in love since kindergarden!" Wendy protested.

"There's nothing wrong with my family, I need a beer." Randy grumbled and he took off. Kyle looked over at his friend, putting a consoling hand on his shoulder.

"Damn dude didn't know your stomach could hold so much. You finished yet?"

"Yeah, I think so." Stan gasped.

"Good, because I wanted to check out this new game they had in the rec room."

"God, you just don't care about anything Kyle, do you!" Stan turned, shouting, "My life is on the line here! You want Wendy for yourself, don't you?"

"No! I want to play fooseball with my best freind." Kyle said, somewhat annoyed, with a hint of betrayal - he didn't like this.

"Yeah, well maybe you should find someone new to play with because I sure as hell won't let Wendy's asshole dad keep us apart!" Stan ran off in the opposite direction, stomping his feet.

"Godammit..." Kyle mumbled under his breath. "Liking girls is for pussies anyway! Go off and be mad, I'll play fooseball with my genuis brother!" he shouted, going off to the deck, looking off into the peaceful calm ocean. "Ugh, I hate girls. All they do is mess things up."

"Heheh, Kyle's gay." Kyle looked down to see a small raft with two boys on it, drifting past the boat. "Yeah, totally gay."

"Bill and Fosse? What the hell are you assholes doing here?"

"Heheh, we're goin' on an adventure, heheh." Fosse said, spindly hair wet over his face.

"Adventures are gay, heheh." Bill giggled with his brother.

"What?" Kyle said.

"It's a long story, heheh." Bill said.

"Maybe we'll tell you sometime, if you're cool enough, heheh!" Fosse laughed as the raft slowly moved past.

"...aw, fuck." Kyle said, before shouting, "Good luck with your adventure, assholes!"

xXx

Shelly Marsh sat eaglespread on the bed in a nice, fancy private room. She had a bed complete with canopy, two dressers and a doorway, with pink walls and a gray carpet. There was also a large mirror and a huge walk-in closet. Not to mention an entertainment center complete with a flat-screen HD television. She held the phone to her head, wearing pajamas, "You have no idea how aweshome it ish, Kevin." she smiled, "I have my own attendents and everything. They don't question a word I say. Lishen to thish..." Shelly pressed the speaker phone button and turned to two attendents, "I want all of the cheeshe on the entire ship. Not a crumb out of plashe."

"You poor dear, of course!" the attendents ran off.

"What'd I tell ya, Kev?" Shelly chuckled, "Jeez, I gotta go through this phone, there's like four Kevins in here." she chuckled, "I'll call you later, I jusht had to tell shomeone how fucking aweshome thish ish."

xXx

"This land is your land!"

"This land is my land!"

Randy Marsh and Gerald Broflovski had drank far too much, and at this point the ship's barman was getting kind of sick of these two middle-aged men asking for more rounds and then acting like pretentious assholes who owned the place. "Hey Gerry, you know I used to think your wife was like, cool and stuff."

"Yeah... me too. HAHAHAHA." Gerald laughed loudly, putting an arm on his friend.

"Yeah, like you'd ever say anything bad about her within earshot of her, you are so whipped Gerry."

"At least I never seperated with her, she stuck with me through the ups and downs of my career."

"...I know." Gerry admitted, laughing his drunken ass off, "Barkeep, another round!"

"Hey, it was fighting that got us on this cruise together! And at least I'm not whipped!" Randy finished the rest of his beer and called for another one, he got serious for a moment without a drink in hand. "I think Stanley might be getting too serious about his little girlfriend."

"Please the boy can't even get near her, and all children need to know a bit about love and realtionships, it's what I've taught Kyle and Ike."

"Yeah, but the girl's father dissapproves of the relationship. I think he has a grudge against me for never getting laid in highschool, doesn't want my son to date his daughter... there's nothing wrong with my son or my family."

Gerald rolled his eyes and passed Randy a bottle of whiskey. "Shut up man, I thought we'd come here to talk about man stuff, like cars, or chicks who are not our wives, or the horse races or... kittens. have a shot you'll feel better."

Randy took a shot. "I'm proud of my son dammit! The boy has good taste! You remember Debbie Simmons from highschool right?"

"Debbie Simmons... she was- oh, now I remember. She was nice-lookin' for a kinda nerdy-ish chick. One of those girls ya hear looks better with her clothes off, heh." Gerald chuckled.

"Hey asshole, she was my girlfreind for over a year in highschool. If you hadn't been high off cat pee that entire year you might have remembered." Randy accused.

"Whoa calm down there Randy. You'd never get that worked up over Sharon...oh yeah because she's your wife. Yeah now I kinda remember Debbie mostly of how you would whine about trying to impress her while me and Stuart had fun."

"Well Debbie MARRIED that nerd Sean Testaburger. The one who would tattle on us for getting high in the library? Their daughter is Stan's little girlfreind."

"Oh whatever Randy. I'm sure Kyle's had little girlfreinds as well, some girl keeps calling our house asking for him and Ike usually will talk to her. Calls her baby and stuff. It's childish romance. don't make a big deal of it okay?"

"No you know what Gerry? this isn't about Stan or Wendy or love or whatever it means for a kid. It's about getting back at some pompous geek who's mad at me FOR NO REASON. God I'm going to do anything in my power to make sure Stan stays with that girl IF ONLY TO STICK IT TO SEAN TESTABURGER!"

"Hey, hey, man, calm down." Gerald said, putting an arm on Randy's shoulder, "Come on, get some food before you do something you might regret... you need to have a full stomach so you can actually KICK his ass and not just humiliate yourself."

"Yeah, you know, I could really go for some cheese right now."

"Good idea Randy." Gerald signaled the bar tender. "Hey can we have an order of nachos and a couple of sprites please?"

"Uh, sure guys, but we're kind of out of cheese. We've got plenty of sprite though." the barkeep said.

"Out of cheese? What kind of cheap ass cruise line is this? Fine can you get my freind a cheeseburger then?"

"Sir?"

"Sorry, hamburger. Randy calm down and have some french fries. you can kick Mr. Testaburger's ass later." Gerald said.

xXx

Kyle Broflovski and Ike Broflovski were fond of Fooseball - it was like playing Sports, but no actual athletic ability was required, which was good for a lanky boy like Kyle, and even better for a toddler genuis like Ike. "I just don't know what to do, dude." Ike looked at his brother as the ball went in his direction. Kyle deflected it, "Stan's my best friend, I couldn't go out with my best friend's girlfriend. I wish I could help him, dude."

"Miggie mouse." Ike simple responded.

"Ike, it doesn't work that way once you get older..." Kyle said, sighing, "This whole cruise was a mistake. I was stupid. I should never have invited Stan's family and Wendy's family on. I'm just making it worse for everyone."

"Cokiee monster!" Ike yelled, Kyle's head sinking. "It's not your fault." His head shot up in surprise at his brother, "It's not your fault Wendy's parents don't want Stan dating her." His brother was giving genuine advice. Maybe his brother really was a genuis after all...

"Thanks, I just wish I knew how to solve this. I don't like seeing Stan sad... uh, hold on." Kyle got up and looked out a porthole window, as if looking for something. "Huh, no Bill and Fosse for once. That's... strange." Ike gave his brother a questioning look, his brother could be as annoying as his parents at times. Ike was happy to be adopted sometimes. Kyle rejoined the game, eyes still on the window, Ike rolled his eyes as he scored a goal against his inattentive brother.

"Spider man!" Ike started the next round.

"Wait, I got it." Kyle snapped his fingers.

"Huh?"

"I totally got it! I know exactly what to do! Thanks Ike, you're the best brother ever!" he hugged his brother and ran out. Ike looked both ways.

"...where cookie monster go?"

xXx

Wendy Testaburger sat hand on her cheek as she looked toward the wall at the desk. She had a fairly plain room, but her parents allowed her to take a few books and she had hung up a favorite Nicholas Hoult poster. Damn her father for not letting her see her boyfriend. She'd told him all about Stan! He thought he was fine, upstanding young man until she came home with puke in her hair... and even so, he didn't make any real issue until he found out about the name. Damn that man. So controlling.

"Wendy, someone's at the door to see you." came her father's voice. Wendy sighed and left the room, walking out into the living area of the cabin to see her father at the door next to... Kyle Broflovski.

"Hi Wendy, can I talk to you in private?" Wendy raised an eyebrow, "It'll only be a few minutes." Kyle added.

"Yes, go talk with the nice Jewish boy, Wendy." Sean gently pushed his daughter out and closed the door.

"Okay Kyle, what do you need?" Wendy crossed her arms.

"Look, for the sake of shutting your dad up, I think we should go on a date." Wendy opened her mouth, "Wait. I have a plan. We screw it all up on purpose. He'll be convinced I'm bad and think Stan's perfect."

Oh my God that plan is PERFECT Kyle!" Wendy exclaimed

"In order for this to work we can't let Stan in on the plan." Kyle added

"Why not?" Wendy asked

"So our date can look more realistic. They'll know its fake if Stan doesn't react to our new sudden interest." Kyle replied.

"Right, right... you sure about this? I mean my dad's already pissed at me, I'm not sure I want to take chances with Stan, and my dad seems to have his heart set..." Wendy said quietly, not liking the idea of leaving her boyfriend in the dark. She turned away from Kyle, looking down.

"I know dude, I hate to leave Stan out of it, too, but... sometimes we have to hurt the ones we love to save a relationship. And besides, Stan knows I only like you as a friend and colleague." he said, consolingly, putting his hand on her shoulder.

"Right, right..." Wendy said, turning around, "I don't like it, but I guess you're right."

"How's Le Merde sound? I heard it's a really fancy place." Kyle said with a smile, "I'll pick you up in an hour? Don't worry, I'll be the worst boyfriend ever, I know exactly how to advise me. Casual or formal?"

"That sounds good I guess. Formal for the sake of making it more dramatic." Wendy suggested with a nod. "Thanks dude."

"Any time." Kyle nodded, hugging her.

xXx

Sharon Marsh was standing out on the deck, one hand on the railing of the USS Expensiveshit, the other on her cell phone as she dialed the number of her closest female friend. Her blue eyes gazed down at the ocean below, and she let out a small sigh. This trip wasn't helping her marital problems at all - she and Randy had only fought more and now he was probably wandering off. Why couldn't she have married an intelligent man and had a normal family?

"Sharon, is that you?" came the voice on the phone.

"Hi Sheila. How are things going?" Sharon asked curiously to her friend. Sheila Broflovski and her had become friends through their husbands and hit it off quite well. Sharon occasionally had her problems with Sheila - one wondered who didn't - but they were still close friends.

"Oh, everything's fine. Ike and bubbe are playing fooseball and Gerald's out at the bar with Randy, he said something about getting nachos. I'm thinking of going to the spa. How are you?"

"I'm all right... just a little... I don't know, I'm worried Sheila. My relationship with Randy is falling to pieces, I've barely seen Shelly on the trip and Stan's been spending all of his time with his little girlfriend... I dunno, I guess I'm lonely. I just want to patch things up with Randy."

"Stanley's girlfriend? Oh, the Testaburgers' daughter?" Sheila said with a hint of surprise.

"Yeah, he's been dating her for months now. Can you believe Sean Testaburger married Deborah Simmons?" Sharon said with disbelief.

"Oh my God, she did?"

"Yes, Wendy is their daughter, can you believe it?"

"No, I can't, wow, and Wendy always seemed like such a smart little girl, too." Sheila replied.

"It's a shame, poor Stanley. Thank God, they're only kids, we don't have to worry about it." Sharon laughed, "Sheila, I'd like your advice on Randy though. I don't know what to do, everything is just going to pieces now and... for the sake of the kids, I want to try to keep it together but everything is just on the rocks."

"Well Sharon, do what feels right. The problems with your marriage can't be solved by someone outside it. You and Randy have to work out things by yourself I'm afraid." Sheila said consolingly to her friend.

"I guess you're right. Thank you, Sheila." Sharon nodded, "I'll talk to you later." she hung up the phone and sighed, still unsure exactly what to do. There was a knock at the door and she answered, seeing her husband, hair messy, brown eyes unfocused, holding a beer bottle.

"Hey Sharon, what are cabin doing in the you?" Randy smiled.

"Randy are you drunk?"

"Of course I was. What idea you that gave?"

"Randy, as soon as you're sober, we are talking about our marriage, do you hear me?"

"W-what?"

"I'm sick of you going off on your stupid... shenanigans and having to clean up after everything! Sure, I get a scroat coat or something, but in the end, I'm still the one taking care of you! I just wish things were more equal around here is all, Randy, I care about you but... sometimes I feel like you don't care about me, you know?"

"W-what?" he repeated.

"Maybe we just need to spice things up... I just feel like you're a different person than the one I married sometimes..."

"Like... like role-playing?" Randy asked.

"Randy, I- wait, what?" Sharon said.

"That kinky role-playing stuff. Stephen talks about it all the time, he pretends Linda is Neil Patrick Harris."

"That's... not a bad idea."

"Okay, but can I be Neil Patrick Harris because I'm not gay. That was a one... two-time thing, okay?" Randy said.

"No, not that, just the idea of role-playing." Sharon nodded.

"Kickass!"

xXx

Kyle Broflovski's family was one of the more well-off in South Park. Naturally when his parents finally decided to get him a phone, they selected a lucrative Apple phone - for once Kyle was ahead of the trends, rather than behind. As he out on the upper deck, he sent out a call towards a friend at home. It was quickly answered by a high, muffled voice.

"Hey there, Kyle! How's tricks?"

"Hey Kenny." replied Kyle, "Oh, it's good. How's the birthday planning going?"

"Mom's blowing up balloons, dad's making suggestive comments about her abilities to blow things, Kevin's putting up streamers, and Karen's asking why we're setting up if the party isn't until next week. How are you guys?"

"Good. Hey Kenny, you know alot about girls, right?"

"Dude, I was the second kid in our fourth grade class to lose his virginity, hell yeah I know alot about girls. Watcha need, bro? I won't charge you, man, it's on the house."

"I need to know how to fuck up in the worst way possible to offend a girl's father."

"...uh, why?"

"Wendy's dad wants me to date Wendy, but she's with Stan so I'm going on a date with her but fucking up on purpose to piss him off."

"Oh, that's easy, dude! Just be a bad influence. Talk about drinking and marijuana and sex and stuff. And anal, dads hate the anal. Just act like you only care about her appearance... uhh... groping always revolts 'em. Uh, talk about abortions and stuff. And act as stupid as possible. Like stupider than Cartman."

"Is that possible?"

"I know you won't believe me, but yes... oh and two more things. Talk all about dangerous stunts and crap. Like stuff too stupid for anyone to do. And talk all about other women. If none of that pisses him off, you're fucked over royally, bro."

"Thanks Kenny. See you in a few days!"

"Later!"

xXx

Kyle Broflovski walked up to the Testaburger cabin with a wide array of flowers in a single bouqet, wearing a nice tuxedo, his hair combed, though his hat hid it anyway. He had explained the whole situation to Ike, who told Sheila he and Kyle were playing hide-and-go-seek. This cover story worked out rather excellently actually. Kyle reached the door and knocked, keeping in mind Kenny's tips.

"Ah, there you are." said Sean as he answered the door, smirking. On the inside, Kyle was sick seeing such an overdramatic douchebag smiling. On the outside, he smiled enthusiastically. Wendy stepped out in a purple dress but aside that looking same as always. There was a hint of extra makeup but he guessed Deborah applied it.

"Ready to go?"

"Of course, Kyle." Wendy winked, as if to say 'the performance is going well' She looked up at her father, "We'll be at Le Merde. Kyle's buying!" A lie. They would split the bill and pay for their own food, with Wendy slipping her cash under the table in case Sean came to watch.

"I hope you two have fun!" Sean said with a smile, "Goodbye!" Deborah waved behind him, and both children waved back as they walked off. The door closed firmly as they walked.

"Phew. Let's get this over with quick. And sorry for every mean thing I'm about to do." Kyle whispered to Wendy.

"I understand." she said as they turned a corner on the deck and saw Le Merde.

"Are you sure you're dad's watching?"

"He probably paid some random kid to watch over us. Don't make a big deal out of it." Wendy said rolling her eyes at him as they entered the restaraunt.

"Welcome to Le Merde, where shall I seat you?" asked a waiter.

"By the window, please?" Kyle asked with a slight smile.

"Do you have a reservation?"

"No."

"...business is low this evening." the waiter admitted as another black-suited penguin-like waiter escorted them to their seat. Next came a man in a top hat wearing a trench coat with a tall collar - only the eyes of Sean Testaburger were visible. "Welcome to Le Merde, where shall I seat you?"

"Left of the room please." he said, picking the opposite corner.

"Do you have a reservation?"

"No. I have cash though." The waiter shrugged and a third penguin-like waiter took Sean over to a seat, "What would you like?" the waiter asked.

"What's the cheapest thing you have?"

"Bread sandwhich." the Waiter replied.

"I'll take one." Sean said quietly, "Take your time."

Wendy and Kyle sat at their table, awaiting their food, fleeting glances at each other. It was quite awkward for both parties - Wendy was sitting here with her boyfriend's best friend, who was also often a rival of her's, and Kyle was sitting across from his best friend's girlfriend, though he reminded himself Stan would never suspect such a thing. Stan never seemed suspicious of things between him and Wendy for reasons Kyle did not fully understand.

"You sure he's watching?" Kyle whispered.

"Yeah, I saw him come in." Wendy said quietly, before returning her voice to normal, "So Kyle, what kind of stuff do you do in your free time?" Kyle thought hard - how could he act like an ass? And then like that, it came to him. It was such a simple solution.

"I like eating cheesy poofs, ho." he said with a hint of some strange but familiar accent, "And my mam's powdered donut pancake surprise is fucking sweet. Hey, why don't you cook me something?" Wendy raised an eyebrow, but then shook her head, "C'mon bitch, get back in the fuckin' kitchen."

"Kyle, I had no idea you were so-" Wendy was a skilled actress, acting as if such behavior was unexpected.

"That's exactly it, you have no ideas, that's why you have a vagina. Hold on, I have to go masturbate." Kyle said loudly as he made his way to the bathroom, kicking a table out of the way on his way. For the 'nice' guy in South Park, he was damn good at acting like a prick.

"Oh, why is my new boyfriend such an ass!?" Wendy said loudly before fake crying. A few people at their tables exchanged glances weirded out by the two nine-year-olds at the other table. Sean raised an eyebrow. Shelly Marsh pointed and laughed.

"Hey, attendent guy, more whipped cream on my apple pie! This is funnier than Russell Crowe!" Shelly laughed, banging her fists on the table in laughter. The attendent obeyed without question as the waiter dropped off food at the table, Wendy mumbling a thanks as Kyle returned not long after.

"Sorry, I got thinking about Bebe and I had to go for a second round. God, she has the nicest fuckin' tits. I couldn't even concentrate enough to wash my hands." he said, "Oooh, our food came?" he said, picking up some of Wendy's food, "It looks delicious, yeah!"

"You did wash your hands, right?" Wendy whispered, returning her voice to normal, "Kyle, you can't objectify my best friend like that, right in front of me!"

"Do you know hot it would be if you two made out?" Kyle said, chuckling. Sean looked like he was going to tear someone's ass a new crack. "And yes." he whispered.

"Right on!" came the voice of a flappy-headed girl at another table. Stares were passed at her, and then she was forgotten.

"I can't wait til you grow up, goddamn, I hope you look like your mom, she was fuckin' hot." Kyle said loudly - by this point, pretty much the entire restaraunt was listening or even watching the altercation. "I mean, her boobs could've been bigger. Like Mrs. Marsh, God, she's gotta be like E-cup... but her ass isn't that nice, your mom's was great though."

"I've had just about enough of this!" Sean rose up, eyes red with anger... or a mild pink eye infection. "Kyle Broflovski, you step away from my daughter this instant!"

"Daddy, it's okay!" she shouted, "Look Kyle, I can always stop wrapping my breast implants with ace bandages and then it'll all be okay..." she argued.

"Those things were like D's. Way too small." Kyle crossed his arms.

"Breast implants!? You said you got rid of those, young lady!" Sean came and grabbed his daughter by the arm at such speed one might wish to call Guiness World Records.

"Hey, that's my fuckbuddy!" Kyle said. Milk was coming out of Shelly's nose as she laughed her ass off.

"I can't wait to tell the turd all about this!" Shelly said as Kyle and Sean yanked on Wendy's arms.

"Kyle, let me go with my daddy!" Wendy said, eyes narrowing.

"Fine. See you tonight, babe!" he slapped her ass, ignoring Wendy mumbling something about overkill. "And you're only allowed to call me daddy from now on!"

xXx

Stan sat in his bed - or more accurately, the place on the floor he had been assigned to sleep, "It isn't fair..." he mumbled sadly, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just have a normal life?" he said. He hated his life. He had an uncle who owned a gun shop and got his jollies murdering animals, a father who was about as intelligent as a chicken, a loving mother prone to overreactions, a suicidal grandfather, and a sister who would make any fighter shiver.

The door flung open. "Turd, turd, you won't believe what shappened!"

"Shelly? Where the hell have you been?"

"Your shtupid girlfriend and besht friend went out at that shtupid reshtaraunt!"

"Uh, who's this?" Shelly's attendent asked.

"Oh, uh, thish ish my... friend Turdle-Dum." she lied, "He used to live at the orphanage but he got adopted." she explained.

"Awwh, that's nice!"

xXx

Stan Marsh was sitting in his little corner of the bedroom, sighing. His mother was using the television and Stan simply had to try to clear his head - his sister had already informed him of his best friend and girlfriend possibly going out. Stan was pissed, but his judgement kept him under control - Kyle would never do that, and Wendy would at least make up a lame excuse to break up with him first. Right?

"Stanley Marsh, clean out your corner!"

"What?" Stan had not noticed his mother rise and scowl at him angrily, and was mystified why his mother was suddenly so extremely angry with him. His corner was not dirty.

"Is this your hoarding problem again? Look how much dust and hair you've collected in that one corner, Stanley!" Stan looked and noticed a small bit of dust and opened his mouth to speak- "You need to learn to control yourself! As soon as we get home, I'm taking you straight back to Dr. Chinstrap!"

"Mom, it's a few specks of du-"

"Stanley, drop that attitude!" Her eyebrows narrowed, scowl deep in her face.

"But mom-"

"I SAID DROP THE ATTITUDE." Stan shut up as to avoid angering his mother further. His phone rang, and although Sharon glared, she was quiet, and Stan answered, "Hello?" he asked, wondering who it was. He doubted it was Kyle or Wendy - they would come to the door.

"Hi Stan." came Eric Cartman's cautious, guarded voice. Back in the town of South Park, where Stan could not see, Cartman and Butters were running down the streets of town, a fleet comprising virtually the entire Park County police force behind them, lead by Officer Barbrady's policee car, sirens blaring, "Say, you don't know any quick shortcuts out of town do you? Ways to get out without the police knowing?"

"Uh, what?" The question had taken Stan by surprise - Cartman wanted to get out of the town? What was he up to now?

"Nothing, Stan. 'sup?" Cartman replied, his voice sounding normal. Whatever he was up to, he seemed eager not to let Stan know. Stan decided the issue was unimportant and continued on to his issues.

"Oh, I'm fine, just on a cruise with my family and Kyle's and Wendy's and- dude, do I hear police sirens?" Stan raised an eyebrow in confusion, wondering what the hell was up.

"Oh yeah, me and Butters are just watching cops, right Butters?" Cartman handed the phone to Butters as they ran through the street, turning around and flipping off Officer Barbrady.

"Yeah!" Butters piped in, "We didn't break no laws at all!" he said with a smile.

"...whatever, guys, I'm not touching this one." Stan decided to ignore the massive levels his bullshit detector had found.

"YOU KIDS STOP!" came Officer Barbrady's voice from far away. Stan could only hear screaming and sirens, then glass-breaking. Unbeknownst to Stan, Cartman and Butters had ran and jumped through the window of Tom's Rhinoplasty, then hopped up and tumbled behind one of the counters, invisible to the police forces as they surrounded the location.

"What the fuck was that?"

"Nothing Stan, what were you saying?"

"Uhhh..." Stan knew he should question what's going on, but remembering those in trouble, made a note he probably should just try a little harder not to care. "Nothing just Kyle and Wendy are acting strange and Shelley's telling me they're dating or something. What's going on over there?"

"WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" came the voice of Sergeant Yates via loudspeaker. Stan faintly heard the echo of the voice through the phone.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!" Butters yelled at the officers before looking at Cartman, "Am I doing good, Eric?" he clapped his hands together, eager for the approval and acceptance he had so desperately wanted.

"Fine, Butters... wait Stan, your girlfriend hooked up with Jewboy? Ugh, hold on..." Cartman slipped Butters a five-dollar bill, then launched himself into a cabinet and used his free hand to grope for an object.

"Neato, I won!" Butters cheered.

"What did Butters win, Cartman?" asked Stan.

"Oh, just a bet we made that totally has nothing to do with any Jewish kids." Cartman said, smirking. Then he turned to Butters with a wink and a knowing look, "Oh, uh, hold on Stan, uh, I gotta go to the bathroom, here Butters, take the phone." he shoved the phone in Butters' hand as Butters panicked, eyes wide with fear.

"Me?" Cartman pulled a machine gun out from the cabinet, closed it, then hopped up on the counter and began shooting through the broken window. Butters looked at the phone, then looked to Cartman nervously. Then he smirked, took the phone back, and began speaking quickly,

"Oh gosh Stan, you had to find out this way, huh? Awh hamburgers, I was really hopin' for Kyle and Wendy's sake you wouldn't find out. They've been goin' out for a while... aw jeez, Stan, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just felt so bad... they seemed so close... I-I thought they really loved each other..." Butters Stotch, it would be known, was a terrific actor.

"You knew, Butters? Why didn't you tell me you prick!" Stan snarled with anger. He felt a deep, sharp pain in his chest now. Why had no one told him!?

"I was just worried, Stan, I felt so bad for Kyle and Wendy, I- I-"

"You know what? Screw you guys, I'm going to go kick Kyle's ass." Stan hung up the phone and threw it on the ground with anger, ready to stomp it and destroy it and-

"Stanley!"

"Sorry mom!" Stan had forgotten his mother was there and nervously picked up the phone and hung it up, wondering why the place even had built-in phones, considering everyone just used cell phones now.

xXx

Back in South Park, Cartman hopped back down behind the counter as shards of glass continued to hit the floor from the police officers' weapons. He handed the gun to Butters and smirked, "Your turn! God, this is totally our best adventure ever, Butters! So you rubbed it in Stan's face good, huh?"

"Oh yeah! I'm finally gettin' revenge for that whole thing at the movie theater." Butters smirked, his actions justified in his own eyes as he hopped up on the counter and began shooting in the direction of the cops.

xXx

The Broflovski cabin was nice and sqeuaky clean - because Sheila Broflovski would not put down her goddamn feather duster. The festively plump Jewish woman had made it her mission to keep the place so clean one might be able to eat off the floors. It wasn't difficult considering Gerald had spent the entire cruise at the bar and Ike in the arcade. That was when the phone rang and Sheila interrupted herself to answer, "Hello there? Oh hello Captain Marples. Yes, we'd love to sit at your table at dinner tonight! Le Merde, you say? Oh, how fancy!" Sheila's eyes lit up as soon as she recognized the Captain's voice. She suddenly felt distinguished as she recieved the invitation to sit at the Captain's table.

Kyle entered the room, walking past his mom, "Hi mom." he said quickly and dismissively. Sheila covered the reciever,

"Hello bubbe!" she said with a smile before returning to the phone, "All right. Oh yes, me and my husband will be there. The kids will have their own table? Oh, all right. No, thank you." Sheila hung up. "Kyle, bubbe, we're having dinner at Le Merde tonight!" she called over to her son. Kyle scowled at her for this sudden news,

"Awh, ma, I just came from Le Merde!"

"No attitude, Kyle!" Sheila said, wagging a finger of dicipline as the doorbell suddenly rang "Hold on, let me get that." she said, as if all of the anger in her system suddenly evaporated, opening the door, giving a sweet smile, "Oh hello there Stanley." Stan stood there, eyes glaring forward, his black hair sticking out from under his hat, him holding a large baseball bat under his arm.

"I... uhh... me and Kyle were just going to play baseball." Stan lied, feeling the urge to scratch his neck or pull his ear.

"Baseball? There's a baseball pitch on this ship?" Sheila said with surprise.

"Uh... um... yeah?" Stan did not want her to see through his face and prayed his words would cover up his intentions well enough to keep her from interfering in his brilliantly plotted plan.

"Oh, okay, bubbe, you two always play so nicely together." Sheila smiled and moved aside to allow Stan in, not realizing she had made a mistake. She returned to the kitchen as Stan entered the second room of the suite, approaching Kyle from behind, with a scowl. He raised the baseball bat high, eyes on Kyle with hate...

"Dude, take your stupid baseball bat back! We need to talk." Stan put it down on the bed and crossed his arms, blue eyes on Kyle. The brown-eyed Jew turned around with surprise, moving away from his laptop, open to a game of FarmVille.. His crops would have to wait.

"Talk about what?" Kyle said with confusion. He and Stan were on good terms - why would Stan want to talk to him? And why would he want to give back the baseball bat he'd lent him?

"You and Wendy." Stan sneered, "I know all about you guys. Butters told me everything!" Stan's arms were crossed.

"Butters told you what?" Kyle raised an eyebrow. The hell? Stan was a confusing person sometimes, even though Kyle felt more in common with him than anyone else. But unfortunately, Kyle's bond was not strong enough to understand this.

"Kyle, you know me and Wendy are dating! How could you go behind my back with her?"

"...what?"

"Look dude... you're my best friend, and in a totally not gay brotherly way I love you. And Wendy's my girlfriend and I wish I could spend the rest of my life with her... even if dad says it's just puppy love or whatever... you're the two people I trust most. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to think both of you would go out behind my back? To think the two people I care most about have been hurting me this whole time? Do you have any idea what that feels like, Kyle?" Stan turned away, "Dude, I think we need to call our super best friendship to an end."

"Stan, you can't be serious..." Kyle's eyes widened, looking down. He did not like this. He did not want to stop being Stan's friend. Stan was his best friend, practically his soul mate, and here he was trying to cut their connections as if Kyle was a poison of some kind, sucking the life out of him. Needless to say, Kyle felt hurt.

"I totally am." Stan said, looking back "It hurts, Kyle, it really hurts. Just because I'm a little nine-year-old doesn't mean this kind of stuff goes past me. You don't have to be forty to feel pain..."

"...uh, Stan, if you want to get all scientific and stuff, it's biologically impossible for two nine-year-olds to feel any romantic connec-" Kyle was abruptly cut off.

"Oh, now you're trying to weasal your way out of it?" Stan turned away again, "Face it Kyle, we're not best friends anymore. Cartman's my best friend now. I'm going to break up with Wendy and you two can be fine and happy, okay? No more Stan bothering you..."

"Stan, please-"

"Just shut up, all right? Before I change my mind and decide to try to kill you!" Stan shook his first, his blue eyes giving away a strong, complex mix of emotions - hatred for Kyle and Wendy's actions, grief for cutting his friendship, fear for his own actions... Kyle's brown eyes met his and he felt a pang of sympathy, despite the situation.

"Stan, look, listen to me. Me and Wendy never had anything going on. I was trying to help you, dude. See, me and Wendy-"

"Don't bullshit me, Kyle!" Stan said angrily, not willing to listen to anymore. Kyle was stalling, he was trying to get away without telling Stan the truth. He could not let that happen. "I know exactly what was going on, okay?"

"No you don't!" Kyle's eyes narrowed, "I'm trying to explain and you won't even listen! I went out with Wendy to-"

"So you admit it!" Stan crossed his arms, satisfied he had gotten a strong detail in support of the truth out the sneaky Jew's mouth.

"Dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"No you are!"

"Be happy with Wendy, you dick!" Kyle yelled.

"I don't like her anymore! She's like soup that's been spit in... dick!"

"You're such a dick that... uhhh... Scott the Dick's been renamed so people don't confuse you both!"

"Come on Kyle, you're not even trying anymore!" Stan accused, pointing a finger at his ex-super best friend.

"DICK!"

"What's going on in here?" Sheila came around, arms crossed, curious what all the noise was. She found it very difficult to cook herself brunch with two nine-year-olds yammering away in the other room.

"Stan's being a dick." Kyle said, pointing at his friend like a young child hoping to pass off blame.

"Nuh-uh, Kyle's the dick." Stan pointed back at his friend.

"What what what?"

xXx

Shelly Marsh was laying down as a masseur gently kneaded her shoulders - it felt as if with each slightly knead to her skin, some of her stress disappeared. It was an incredibly relaxing experience. At least it would be if not for the girl next to her, who was also getting a massage. The blonde cared little for those around her as she obnoxiously spoke, quite loudly.

"I KNOW, RIGHT? HE WAS TOTALLY LOOKING AT ME." she shouted, holding an iPhone to her ear, "NO, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HE TOTALLY LIKES ME YOU DUMB BITCH." Shelly glared.

"Hey turd, turn your shtupid phone down."

"NO, NO, THAT'S JUST THE UGLY GIRL NEXT TO M-" SMACK. Shelly's masseur hands retracted quickly as Shelly had launched herself at the iPhone girl, grabbing her by her blonde hair, pulling it away as she kicked the girl in the back repeatedly. The best solution to any kind of displeasure, Shelly saw it, was intense infliction of pain to those causing it.

"Ugly girl necksht to you, huh? Well, it sheems the ugly girl necksht to you hash a better arm than you, turdfashe!" Shelly smacked the back of the girl's head several times, not afraid to draw blood or cause severe injury. After all, she had no family - she would weasel out of it. Or blame Stan. That'd be much more satisfying.

"Hey, stop that." the Masseurs said, backed away from the fight. They did not like the looks of this at all. Shelly's attendent rose up and glared.

"Um, excuse me? This girl is a poor, sweet orphan! You can't tell her what to do!" the attendent said with anger. Shelly did not hear, too busy breaking the girl's iPhone. As the iPhone smashed to tiny electronic bits, Shelly smiled and layed back, "Continue, masseur." there was an awkward pause before the masseur stepped forward and continued.

"Aahhh..." Shelly smiled with pleasure.

"C-could somebody call an ambulance..." the girl called weakly from the floor, her brain not in it's best condition.

xXx

The Captain's table was set royally, with full room for twelve people sitting. It was already set with a delicious meal of Le Merde's finest foods, Captain Marples sitting at the head of the table. The Testaburger family had arrived fashionably early - Wendy was quite and nervous, keeping her head firmly in the menu. Sean's eyes moved around swiftly, taking in the entire scene as he could, looking long and hard at every little detail. Debbie was being perfectly normal, reading the menu casually. Sean's eyes focused and a glare took over as the Broflovskis arrived. Gerald and Sheila sitting across from Sean and Debbie, Ike across from Wendy. Kyle sat on the end, a bit lonely. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the famous Gerald Broflovski." Sean mumbled.

"Hello Sean. Long time, no see." Gerald said, sitting down into his seat. His brown eyes immediately saw Sean's, flickering away. Despite Sean's admiration, Gerald was not fond of him or his attitudes.

"So your son and my daughter's date went well." Sean said caluclatingly, with the sarcasm only hinted at, rather than intensly screamed.

"...what what what!?" Sheila said with shock, not aware of her son seeing any girls since the Cotswolds family left town a few months ago.

"Our boy isn't involved with your little girl, Sean, heh, you wish he was." Gerald pointed a fork at Sean, laughing slightly. It was amusing to think the nerd was so desperate for attention he hoped their children were together.

"They went on a little date last night. Right, Wendy?" Sean said to his young daughter.

"Yes, father..." Wendy sighed. She did not want to be here. She did not want to be with him. She just wanted to sit in her room and sulk and watch Misfits forever and ever and ever. If she was out of her room, she just wanted to be with Stan.

"I thought your little friend Stanley was dating Wendy." Sheila said, raising an eyebrow. Nobody had told her the status quo had changed.

"DON'T SAY THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE!" rose Sean, hands on the table, eyes burning with hatred. He then sat back down promptly, and continued as if nothing had ever happened, "I mean, yes she was, but we forbid him to see her."

"Why'd you do that? It was always kind of cute seeing them together. Little puppy love. Like Stephen and Linda." Gerald said, remembering fondly how Linda had pursued Stephen Stotch for quite some time before he responded to her advances.

"Aren't they married now?" Debbie asked.

"You know what they say, never marry your High School boyfriend." Gerald replied. The Marsh family approached from the side, Randy heading them with a large smile. Sharon looked neutral in expression and Stan looked as if he was trying to kill everyone with his mind. Shelly had informed her family in advance she would not be able to attend. Stan wondered what excuse she'd used - this was the kind of thing Sharon would be angry over.

"Hey guys!" Randy smiled, "I'm so glad to be here! It was so nice of you to invite us to your table, Captain Marples!" Randy pulled out his chair and sat back. Sharon sat next to her husband, and Stan pulled out the last seat.

"Hey there little bugger." Marples mumbled under his breath towards Stan. He was very focused on his food right now, not caring much for the others for the moment. He just wanted to enjoy his positively delicious veal in peace. Stan through Marples was a creepy old man like his Uncle Shane.

"Hello Randy. Why's there a dog at the table?" Sean asked, glaring towards Stan's direction. Stan opened his mouth but chose not to reply. He did not need his parents angry with him as well.

"That's my son you dick." Randy sneered, "But hey, don't worry about it, Sean. Hey, tell us again about that porn site you and Stevens made?" Debbie gasped at her husband's alleged actions. Sean glared across the table.

"That was High School, Randy!"

"Well yeah, sure, High School was awesome. God, I was so wild back then, I remember one time me and Debbie went to this concert, and got so drunk we just fucked in the middle of the road." Debbie's eyes widened with embarassment - her wild sex life was not something she wanted others to know about. Suddenly she sympathized with her husband's hatred of Randy Marsh.

"Randy!" Sharon glared. Captain Marples paid no heed, focusing on his food. This fight was of no consequence to him.

"Oh come on Sharon, we've done it like that, too, don't be such a prude." Randy crossed his arms, Sharon turning a fierce red.

"RANDY!"

"What are you guys talking about? I spaced out. This is good little tortured baby cow..." Marples said, suddenly sitting at attention. His veal was gone, though food still remained on his plate. He put his elbows up, resting his chin on his hands, suddenly deeply interested in his guests.

"I was just talking about my wild sex life is all." Randy said, the others glaring at him, "Is there a problem?"

"No, there's not, everything is fine. So Sharon, do guys still ask you to blow them all the time?" Debbie asked, seemingly sincerely, but with a faint hint of the intended venom. She had never liked the cheerleader - Sharon scooping her ex was icing on a cake.

"I dunno Debbie, do guys still ask you why your vagina is so loose?" Sharon said absent-mindedly, Debbie glaring back.

"Oh yeah, Debbie's periods were so bad, I mean-" Randy began to note-

"Go fuck yourself!" Debbie said loudly, several eyes on her, "Oh, sorry." she apologized with a hint of sincerity. She was normally mild-mannered and did not react so angrily or violently, but her she was, dropping F-bombs.

"You guys need to watch your language, there's children present." Marples scolded, motioning towards Ike in his seat, using his flappy head to quickly eat food whole.

"These kids swear like sailors, Captain, if anything, we're using less bad words than them." Gerald said as he took a fork out of his mouth, a bite having already slipped down his throat.

"I will not have any goddamn swearing in front of children on my ship."

"Fuckerself!" Ike yelled to his parents' horror. Sheila realized the complexity of the situation and the fighting, and piped in hopes of ending the fight. It troubled her to see so much hatred and yelling and she didn't want thinks to erupt any worse than they already had.

"Look, I think we all need to sit back, take some deep breaths and ca-"

"Oh shut up already!" Debbie had risen up and yelled with a glare at Sheila.

"You're cabbage!" Sheila challenged, flipping Debbie off, a wild look in her eyes, "Bitch, you've got cabbage in your muff!" The Jersey inside Sheila was preparing to take over as Randy Marsh rose up, pointing directly at Sean, eyebrows slanted, eyes narrow.

"That does it! Before this cruise ends, Testaburger clan, we Marshes will have our revenge!"

"Not if we have our's first!" Sean declared, hands on his hips.

"Randy, this is silly..." Sharon said, putting a hand on her husband to bring him down and console him, feeling this was all just a big misunderstanding-

"What's wrong, cheerleader, afraid of losing?" Debbie said. Sharon rose.

"You're going down, whore!" Sharon said, shaking her fist in anger. Sheila and Gerald exchanged confused glances, not liking where this is going. They wished to leave but it felt impolite to desert Captain Marples with the warring families.

"Whore!" Ike yelled, having the urge to repeat the last word spoken for reasons he did not yet fully understand, "Whore!"

"...where'd the other three kids go?" Marples asked, looking around, his question unanswered by the adults, who were glaring and fighting with no heed of his presence.

xXx

"Stan, what's this about?" Wendy said with worry, arms crossed as she, Kyle and Stan all stood outside Le Merde. She seemed slightly exasperated, as if she did not expect an answer to the question, but felt she had to ask for the sake of acknowledging his state. "You seem really tense. Is something wrong?"

"You should know what's wrong you stupid whore." Stan glared at his girlfriend before turning away, "I know what's going on between you two. Butters told me all about it and Shelly saw you at Le Merde. I want to know how long this has been going on."

"How long what's been going on?" Wendy said, still confused. Stan was not making any sense - her and Kyle, really? Wendy could never date Kyle. He was intelligent, but he was too logical, and the only emotion he seemed to acknowledge is poorly controlled anger. She preferred Stan's empathic personality - someone who could respond to her on an emotional level - more than someone who could 'match her wits'.

"You and Kyle!" Stan glared again - anger was evident in his blue eyes, his eye brows at a dramatic slant common on the Marsh women, particularly Shelly, but very rare among the men of the family. "I thought you guys cared about me!"

"Of course I care about you, Stan! I know I don't always show it, but every couple has their ups and downs. Take our parents for example." Wendy nodded towards Sharon and Debbie, who were arguing about something involving Randy, flavored condoms, roses, Godzilla films and a toaster. How those things fit together, Wendy did not wish to know.

"Wendy, I don't care. I want to know when you two hooked up. No more lies." Stan said, hands in his pockets. He was not willing to take any more of what he saw as bullshit - they were not getting out of this.

"What lies? Dude, we never hooked up. Butters is just being an asshole for some strange reason..." Kyle said with a frown. It was surprising to hear the little innocent boy had fed Stan misinformation - perhaps Cartman was imitating Butters again for some reason?

"We never hooked up, Stan." Wendy said, her eyebrows low. She was excellent at guarding her emotions but one could subtly tell she was troubled by the accustations. She did not like her boyfriend acting this way, she seemed almost scared. Yet she stood her ground - no tears were shed, nor did she run.

"Yeah dude, Wendy wouldn't cheat on you. I mean we're nine for fuck's sake, it's not like we're crazy hormonal teenagers or something!" Kyle said, pausing, "Kenny doesn't count." he added, not wishing to argue about their hooded friend.

"Fine, don't tell me then! Assholes!" Stan mumbled, his blue eyes not wishing to see the Jewish boy or the dark-haired girl any longer. "Look guys, I love you both, but... I think I need to see other people for a little while, okay?" It felt painful to say. He hoped cutting his connections would stop himself from being hurt, but deep down a part of him reminded him it would not help - it would cause only more hurt.

"...are... are you breaking up with me?" Wendy's guard was gone. No longer was she a brave, strong young woman. Now she was a little girl once more, water slowly filling her eyes, an expression on her face as if she'd discovered she had some kind of flesh-eating disease. She took a step back, as if the emotional pain was enough to knock her away.

"Yes, I'm breaking up with both of you." Stan did not seem to realize just what he was insinuating about his friendship with Kyle, "Just go off and be happy, you two belong together, you're both the smartest people in South Park... besides that asshole Terrance I guess... just go off and be happy. If you really care about me, just don't do it in front of me, please." Stan said quietly, presenting his ultimatem. The pain was evident, his voice breaking, but his expression did not seem to change.

"Stan, I-" before Kyle could finish, tears began pouring out of Wendy's eyes at a pace comparable to a sudden, powerful rain storm. She spun around and quickly ran off, no longer caring much for her social standing, her appearance, or anything. All she cared about was her boyfriend had left her and she was in pain - a hard, emotional pain that felt almost physical in it's nature. And then, she was gone. "You fucking bastard!"

"You're the one who went behind my back!" Stan said with annoyance. How dare that dirty stupid Jew accuse him of wrong-doing?

"No, I didn't, I was trying to save your relationship you selfish prick!" Kyle exclaimed, "Me and Wendy went on a date so I could fuck everything up and make you look GOOD by comparison. So her father would think 'Gee, this kid isn't good boyfriend material. That Marsh kid ain't so bad after all' Wendy played the part perfectly, she went through utter humiliation just to stay with you, when her parents were against it, and how do you repay her? You call her a whore and break up with her! Are you happy with yourself?"

"How can I be happy? My dad might have actual medical problems, my sister's a psycho bitch, my mom's too pissed at dad to do anything else, my best friend and girlfriend are dating and-" Stan was angry at the gross misjustice Kyle was comitting. He must have thought up that cover story well. Kyle was a brilliant actor.

"After all Wendy's done for you! After all she's fucking done for you!" Kyle sneered, "This is just like Othello, you'll end up killing her! Do you know all the fucking things she's done for you? I mean sure, I was jealous of all the time you spend with Wendy and shit, but come fucking on! If comitting arson, murder and jaywalking just to keep a relationship alive isn't dedication than I don't think there's such a thing as love!"

"...Jaywalking?" Stan raised an eyebrow, as if he had not heard any other word Kyle said, confusin consuming his anger. "How... how do you jaywalk to fix a relationship?"

"Figure of speech." Kyle nosebridgepinched, "I guess only murder applies."

"Murder?"

"Does the name Ms. Ellen ring a bell?" Kyle said. Stan turned around, eyebrows raised, "I thought it might." Stan's hands were in his pockets again as Kyle sneered forward, wanting to make his friend feel even worse than he had made him and Wendy feel.

"Ms. Ellen but... that's impossible. She was... she was taken away by the Iraqis... right?" Stan's eyes widened, but Kyle nodded a firm 'no'. Stan looked at him, blue eyes meeting brown, "You don't mean..." Kyle did not respond, "...no, Wendy didn't... how could..." Stan looked to Kyle with the utmost fear in his face, "Tell me you're kidding, Kyle. Tell me this is all just a big joke. It's not funny, man!"

"It's not a joke. Wendy had her KILLED for you. That's more than I think any of our moms would do for our dads..." Kyle said - his own parents had a calm, loving relationship but his mom had calmed down over the last year and became much less violent and mean. He wondered if the American-Canadian War had finally opened her eyes. As for Stan's mother, her relationship troubles were not exactly a secret in the town, and he had to admit he had worried about a Marsh divorce. Kenny's parents fought constantly, but Kyle had to admit he didn't know them too well. Did anyone?

"...dude." Stan said, "I... you never cheated with Wendy, did you?" A wave of understanding hit him like a splash of cool water. No longer writing in anger, suddenly Stan was calm and complacent, but clearly he felt rather torn up inside.

"No, of course not. And I think we both know it's pretty likely Cartman made Butters say whatever he did." Kyle said, his confidence returning, his anger subsiding as quickly as it had come, and his hatred for Cartman still burning more than any pain he'd been inflicted.

"Yeah, you're right, Butters is a pussy, he couldn't be mean if he wanted to." Stan said, looking down, "I really fucked up dude, didn't I..."

"Dude. You're turning into your father." Kyle said quietly.

"...If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand." Stan said, but then he smiled, "I'm sorry I doubted you, Kyle, you're a good f-f-friend."

"Yeah... let's go get your girlfriend back!"

xXx

Randy Marsh was giggling his goddamn head off, because he knew he was a goddamn genuis. This was the ultimate prank. Nothing could ever top the hilarity of this moment, no, nothing could top what was about to happen. Randy held in his giggles as he sat peeking through a hole in the wall, his son and wife standing next to him in the middle of a hallway. "Remind me to thank your friend Toolshed for the drill." Randy whispered to his son, still holding a drill, as he watched.

Then there was a loud POOOOOOOT, and cue a positively insane amount of giggling from Randy Marsh at what he considered comedy gold. His wife, surprisingly, was laughing as well. Stan, however, was not amused with this and was just there for the sake of moderating his parents.

"Awh, who put this woopie cushion here!?" came Sean Testaburger's angry voice. Randy couldn't see anything through the hole, "Dammit... at least I can enjoy my meal. Deborah, could you pass the salt?" Sharon moved her husband aside and caught a glimpse of Sean picking up a salt shaker, chuckling - this would be hilarious, "Awh, that's more salt than I intended to add!"

"Wait, wait..." Randy said, putting a finger to his mouth, alerting his wife there was more than she had seen. Still nothing through the hole again.

"...HOT! HOT! HOT!"

"Honey, did someone pour hot sauce in your milk again?" Deborah said.

"That's the fourth time today!" Sean complained, "I need to find out who's doing this!"

"How do you plan to do that, daddy?" came Wendy's sweet, innocent voice, which made Stan absolutely queasy to his stomach.

"There's only one person who can help us find out what mysterious forces are acting against us!" Sean took out his cell phone and dialed, "Captain Marples?"

"Aw shit, not the Captain!" Randy whispered - suddenly he wasn't laughing like a banshee. In fact, he was extremely worried about his fate as soon as the word Captain had left Sean Testaburger's lips. This would not end well.

"Oh Randy, relax, he's insane, what's the worst he can do?"

"That's what I'm afraid of!"

"Can we go back to the cabin now?" Stan Marsh was much more interested in winning his girlfriend back than any of this juvenlie crap.

"Not yet Stanley, one more prank!" Randy said with a childlike innocence. You think Randy, who had grown up like most adults, would be the corrupt one, but no, Stan, the boy who had dealt with supernatural, the extraordinary and the insane on a daily basis, was the corrupt one, playing the parent to his father.

"All right, fine, but then back to the cabin. I have some important... homework to do." Stan did not want his family to know what he would really be up to - trying to pick out a song to win over Wendy again. That had been long atop his priority list and Kyle had already agreed to help out. Randy drilled a bit more, the sound muffled by the noisy '80s Horror film on the television screen as he got a better look - now he could make out the scene better - the cabin was virtually identical to the Broflovski's, besides some minor color changes.

"Dammit, he's not answering." Sean hung up the phone and cursed, unhappy with the service he was recieving. He was totally going to file a complaint to Captain Marples for the harrassment and his lack of care against it. Hell would be paid. He turned toward the hallway.

"Daddy, where are you going?" Wendy asked.

"I have to use the toliet, pumpkin." He stepped into the hallway and out of Randy's sight, and after a brief pouse, shouted. "AH! DEBBIE, GET ME A ROLL OF TOLIET PAPER! I HAVE KETCHUP ALL OVER MY ASS!" Randy and Sharon were laughing, backs to the wall, now just listening to the percieved hilarity.

"Just take a shower, dear, we used up all our toliet paper when the toliet mysteriously backed up earlier."

"BUT IT'S ALL STICKY AND IT LOOKS LIKE I'M BLEEDING!"

"...haha, could you imagine that, bleeding out of ass and stuff?" Randy laughed. Sharon looked slightly annoyed, as if she was familiar with the idea, but she shook her head and laughed as well as they could only hear Sean Testaburger fumble. They looked through the hole again and saw Sean flat on the ground trying to lift himself up, parts of him exposed this author refuses to describe.

"Oh screw you guys, I'm going home... to the cabin." Stan said angrily and uninterested, turning and leaving. His parents could be so stupid sometimes - he wish they'd just get a divorce already. It always happened like this - they'd fight for a while, and just when it seemed the end was near, they'd make up over some stupid thing. Stan owed his parents' continued marriage to Sean Testaburger's stupidity. He had to question whether that was a good thing. And now, Stan set his mind to go find his best friend Kyle.

xXx

Only the best was acceptable for Shelly Marsh. And the best on this cruise ship was Captain Aaron Marples' quarters. This was not the best place for a thirteen-year-old girl to be watching Friends with her Mormon attendents, but that was the current use of the room. Shelly laid on her stomach on Cpt. Marples' bed, her feet up as one attendent gave her a foot rub. Another attendent fanned her with a smile, "Hey, Harrishon, hurry up!" Shelly said angrily, because she clearly deserved that food now and no Mormons were standing in the way of that.

Gary Harrison, Sr. stepped out, "All right here you go, Ms. Marsh! I'm still so sorry to hear about your brother, he was such a nice boy." He had met Stan, such a nice, sweet boy. The poor little thing... "How did you say he died again?" he noted as he handed her a plate of Toast and a shrimp cocktail.

"No, he wash a turd." Shelly said before tossing the food on the floor, the plate shattering, "God! Can't you cook? That toasht wash way too well-done! Necksht time don't bring it to me unlesh itsh perfect, and if I don't have it in two minutesh I'm going to beat the shit out of both of you. And this shhrimp cocktail needs more shhrimp!" she tossed the cocktail on the floor carelessly.

"Ms. Marsh, we've tried to obey all of your commands... free meals, ten dollars in pennies, a mint condition Picasso, authentic Babe Ruth ball with autograph, ten thousand dollars in Canadian coins, a live trap door spider, we even bought you the rights to the word 'Turd' so nobody can use it without paying you royalties." the second Mormon attendent slipped Shelly a five dollar bill.

"Look Ms. Marsh, can't we have a break to spend some time with our families?"

"What do you know about family? My father died in Iraq, my mother died giving birth to my brother, and my brother was killed in a car crash." Shelly said angrily, changing the channel. She'd seen this episode a million times it sucked. An episode of Russell Crowe's Fightin' Round The World fit her mood better.

"I thought your mother died in the car crash, too?" said the second Mormon attendent.

"But I met your mother while your brother was alive..." Mr. Harrison noted.

"I, uhh..." Shelly lacked an explanation when the phone rang. Mr. Harrison smiled in that perfect Mormon way and answered it.

"Howdy hey! Oh? Right. Uh-huh. Okay. Oh, have a super day!" Mr. Harrison hung up, "So Ms. Marsh, you said your father is dead..."

"Yeah, sho?"

"He's on the ship." Mr. Harrison said, "After your complaints about the food earlier, Le Merde added you to a list of people they do not serve. Randy Marsh is on that list... your father." Harrison put his hands on his hips,. "Well, I just can't believe it..." Mr. Harrison said, before his lips curved into that sickly Mormon smile, "...your family is alive! I'm so glad! We should go see them right away!" Mr. Harrison grabbed her arm.

"No, no, NO! I don't want to shee them ever again! Not mom, not dad, not even the turd!" Mr. Harrison and the other attendents, holding Shelly by the arm, trotted out merrily as she struggled, leaving Cpt. Marple's quarters behind. After a moment, Captain Marples returned to his room, his eyes widening.

"...I don't remember leaving Russell Crowe on in here... oh my God, a mint condition Picasso, loose money and a Babe Ruth autographed ball! There's enough stuff here to get this ship restored into tip-top shape! Whoa, Nellie!"

"Yes, sweetie?" a sickly woman walked out, eyes barely open, wearing a red robe. She didn't look much older than Marples himself. "Why is the house moving?"

"Go back to bed, Nellie."

xXx

Stan had discussed it briefly with Captain Marples earlier and they had come to an agreement on his use of the concert hall on the ship - Stan didn't need much room. He had made a deal with the contracted band for the voyage to do the music while Stan would sing a piece himself. He was reluctant to admit it, but he was musically talented - he was an excellent singer and a great songwriter. He'd been working on this song for over a year now for her, and now was his chance to let the world hear it - if only in truth to win her back. That was Kyle's job - make sure Wendy and her family attend. Stan, however, was spending his time right now arguing with the other band's lead singer.

"Look dude, I understand if you want a part, but it just doesn't work, it'a a solo song!"

"Dah livalaw! Livalaw Timmah!"

"Timmy, I know you guys were booked, that's why you guys get to do the music but godammit I have to do the singing!"

"Timmah!"

"It's not my fault The Lords of the Underworld don't get a lot of gigs anymore!" Stan said angrily, annoyed with Timmy. Timmy had been singing lead for the band for over a year - he was even more musically gifted than Stan was. Timmy's voice, his fans often said, was superior to that of any known singer. He'd even gotten a track on Rock Band. The rest of Lords of the Underworld were almost hangers-on at first but slowly a cult following developed. Skyler was the main exception - he was still at South Park's Jail for sexual assault charges.

"Daw libaw!"

"Timmy, godammit, I'm doing this for my girlfriend, not for fame!" Stan narrowed his eyes with annoyance, "Look, you guys just need to place this once, just once, and then do whatever you want, I don't care, okay? It's not even a long song! I was going to get Courtney Ford to sing it but she's busy..."

"...Timmeh." Timmy said quietly, looking away, before looking back at Stan, "Timmah Timmy Tim Timmay?"

"...uhhh I'm not sure dude."

Timmy sighed heavily, "Shit. Timmeh... livaw..." he looked out the window, a tone of seriousness in his voice.

"No, no, it's not about that." Stan said with hinted fear, "Come on Timmy, what have I ever done to you? ...besides that one time with the marzipan and the flying saucers?" Timmy sighed and turned, looking toward Stan.

"Timmay Tim-Timmah Tim, livalaw Tim, Timmay livaw... Timmeh Tim... livin' a law."

"Thanks Timmy." Stan smiled.

"Sweet, we got a gig!" One of Timmy's bandmates smirked, two of them pounding fists triumphantly.

xXx

Kyle was on his computer checking his FaceBook page intently. His feed was rather empty - Cartman said something about cheesecake, Satan, dinosaurs, and Iraq, Bebe had changed her profile picture for the upteenth time, Towelie had posted pictures of himself and Washcloth fishing, Mr. Garrison was whoring out his FormSpring, he had more friend requests from people he didn't know, and Wendy had changed her relationship status-

Oh crap, right, Wendy.

Kyle's half of the deal had slipped his mind - he was supposed to be distracting Wendy. He quickly went to her wall and posted a desperate plea. It was a win-win situation - Wendy is distracted, she helps Kyle out with his important issues, and Stan can prepare the song he's been working his ass off on. Everybody wins.

Kyle Broflovski hey Wendy will you help me build a barn in FarmVille?  
February 13th at 2:03pm - Comment - Like  
Bebe Stevens, Clyde Donovan, and 4 others like this

Clyde Donovan at 2:05pm February 13  
bebe! get your ass back in the kitchen and make me some tacos 3

Craig Tucker at 2:07pm February 13  
clyde stop pretending to be cool.

Timmy at 2:07pm February 13  
I, personally, would be glad to help you out with your barn, Kyle! But I'm a little tied up right now unfortunately.

Craig Tucker at 2:08pm February 13  
how do you not have a last name, timmy

Wendy Testaburger at 2:10pm February 13  
Thanks Kyle but I'm in the ship's library, I can't really play FarmVille right now.

Herbert Garrison at 2:11pm February 13  
Kids, have you all done your homework?

And then Kyle knew his mission, getting off from the computer and setting off for the ship's library, which luckily turned out to not be too far. He entered the opened doors and saw Wendy sitting at a table, head buried in John Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men". He sat by her, "Hey Wendy, what's up?" he asked quietly - he hoped she still trusted him after the relationship debacle. Her earthly eyes darted toward him.

"Nothing, Kyle. The only news is that which you already know. Me and Stan are through."

"Look Wendy, I know this is all kind of my fault but... there's hope. I mean we're only nine years old. You, me, Stan, we'll all probably still be around each other for a good nine years. He might change his mind." Kyle insisted with a friendly smile, hoping he could offer words of comfort. Wendy said nothing for a long moment,

"Perhaps you're right... and perhaps you're not." she said simply, more focused on her book. Kyle was growing a bit frustrated, his time feeling wasted, but he was confident in time he could get Wendy to see the light. Wendy herself wasn't exactly happy with Kyle for the moment, but she couldn't push him away at this point. Being sheltered by her parents even worse than usual, suffice to say, had made her lonely and any attention was attention. "By the way, clever idea using FarmVille to try to arrange a meeting Kyle, very mature. Why did I add you back?"

"Wendy, come on!" Kyle grit his teeth. He wasn't in the mood to argue with her, but she was being pretty difficult right now. "I like your friendship Wendy, and getting fourteen requests a day to join groups related to actual causes doesn't get old." he said, trying to keep it polite.

"Why are we friends, Kyle? Stan doesn't even have a Facebook page anymore."

"He tried it for a week at my insistence, hell I made it for him. You should be thanking me." Kyle crossed his arms with annoyance.

"Oh, you made it? Explains why his relationship status was single. I'm unfriending you as soon as I get to a computer!"

"Wait Wendy, hear me out, there's something I have to show you." Kyle protested, remembering why he came to the library in the first place. Damn his pride and short temper.

"For Stan?" Wendy said, narrowing her eyes, "I don't want to deal with either of you right now, all right?" she meant business, and Kyle could feel it.

"It's a surprise Wendy, just go along with it." Kyle begged for his super best friend's sake. Why did she have to make this more difficult than it has to be?

"...fine." Wendy crossed her arms, "Where is this 'surprise'?" she used air quotes to express her skepticism of Kyle's claims. Now Kyle understood why Cartman liked to call her a bitch sometimes - though he kept a mental note never to mention that to Stan.

"Follow me." Kyle sighed - he was supposed to wait for a secret signal from Stan, but forget it. He'd probably send the signal while they walked anyway.

xXx

"Randy, I don't know why you're so interested in seeing this band perform." Sharon crossed her arms with a slight scowl at her husband. The brief peace they had broked seemingly expired and once again she was angry with her husband. And once again, was he angry with her.

"Will you relax Sharon? Sean and Debbie will be there and I want to humiliate them again! Sean's face is so priceless when he's mad." Randy smirked, "Any ideas?" Suddenly Sharon's demeanor changed and she was like a girl again, far more concerned with humiliating a peer than anything else. The couple stood with a small crowd of people entering the large concert hall.

"Oh, Sharon, Randy, it's so good to see you!" Sheila Broflovski greeted as she and her husband saw them enter, "It's small in here as you can see, why don't you take a seat over here in front." Sheila wasn't lying - the concert hall, despite it's size, only had a few rows of foldable chairs set up and a small table with punch and pie. A few miscellaneous people were sitting about. In front of the curtain on stage were the band members with all but the guitarist and lead singer.

"Hey Sheila... oh Sharon, I got it!" Randy smirked at his most genuis plan ever, "Hey Gerald, do you have some glue?" he asked.

"Of course not! I don't sniff glue anymore Randy, what are you talking about!" Gerald said defensively.

"...dammit Gerald, give me the fucking glue." Randy said angrily and Gerald reluctantly handed it to him, not realizing his wife was glaring at him. "Do you guys know where the Testaburgers'll sit?" he asked Sharon while reading off the name: Elmer's Super Special Mega Awesome Double Triple Strong Glue. Perfect for the job.

"Knowing Sean?" Sharon rolled her eyes, "He'll try to sit right there" she pointed to the left at the end, "Right at the end in the front row, the head of the group." Sharon knew Sean better than she'd like to let on - he was one of the many boys who'd courted her. She found him annoying and there were far too many times she had to remind him where her eyes were. Randy got up and went to the seat and applied a heavy amount of glue. "Randy?"

"It'll be hilarious... say, has anyone seen Stan or Shelly?" Randy said.

"Stan said he'd meet us here in a little while... I'm not sure where Shelly is." Sharon noted. The two couples' conversation was interrupted as Captain Marples approached, hailed by two loyal guards.

"Where's the first seat?" he asked, suddenly again with a strong demeanor. One of his guards motioned him towards the front row. Marples made his way towards the front, approaching the seat when his other guard stopped him for a moment,

"Sir, you might not want to sit there-"

"I'll sit wherever I want, I'm the Captain." Marples sat firmly in the puddle of glue. "What the hell?" he got up, the chair still attached to his ass - the glue had done it's job all too well, "Who did this!?" Silence. "If nobody tells me who did it, I will force the band to play Rebecca Black's Friday countless times in a row!" Marples was incredulous who would pull such a prank on him. Not only is he the Captain, a rank of authority, but godammit who would do THIS of all things to him?

"...hey, come on, isn't it a little childish to make fun of a thirteen-year-old girl just because her singing voice is-" Sharon interrupted, feeling bad for the girl who's song was currently being used as a weapon. She was quite sick of people placing so much importance on-

"Quiet you!" Marples said, "Tell me who did it! Now!" he said angrily.

"It was Randy, Captain!" Gerald said, rising up and pointing toward his friend. Randy glared at Gerald with anger, "It was my glue you asshole!" Sheila yanked her husband back down.

"I never forget a face! Randy Marsh. I knew you were trouble." Marples said, "Guards!"

"Hey, hold on there, Captain!" came the voice of a Mormon attendent as he and Mr. Harrison approached, holding Shelly by the arms, shouting and protesting them.

"Let me go!"

"Jarvis? Harrison?" Marples sat the chair down and raised an eyebrow at the two Mormons.

"This man owes this ship over fifty million dollars in fines for his daughter. She's sure a swell girl-" Jarvis began to explain.

"Fuck you!"

"But she really pulled the wool over our eyes, she did!" Harrison nodded, "She made us think she was an oprhan so we would lavish her with gifts!"

"Awh fuck! Fifty mill?" Randy said, "This vacation is getting worse all the time." he facepalmed, frustrated between the insane amount of money he now owed, combined with having humiliated the Captain.

"And look who comes now..." Sean and Deborah Testaburger entered, sitting in the back, glares at both the Marshes. They definitely did not want to sit by the Marshes. Fine by them - Randy and Sharon settled in their seats. "Well at least they're not by us." Sharon told her husband. The Mormons put Shelly and seated her with her parents, sitting next to them and filling the gap between them and the Broflovskis.

"Gosh, you must be so glad your parents are okay, huh, Shelly!" asked Harrison with a smile.

"Oh?" Sharon raised an eyebrow.

"She told us you died in horrible, gruesome ways." Jarvis explained, "It was sad really. Say, where is her brother, was she telling the truth about that horrible car crash?" As Sharon conversed with the Mormons, Shelly sank her head, and Randy apologized profusely to Captain Marples, Kyle and Wendy entered the room, first boldly stepping past Wendy's parents. Sean narrowed his eyes,

"Where are you going?"

"To sit in the front row, daddy. Is there a problem?" she said, only hinting at her anger.

"Yes, there is. You sit with us, not by those trashy Marshes or those smartass Broflovskis." Sean commanded.

"Be a good girl and listen to your father, darling." Deborah added, supporting her husband, even though her eyes were wandering around toward the front row herself.

"You know what? No. I am an independent girl, and just because I'm nine years old doesn't mean I'm stupid. I can do things for myself and I don't need my parents telling me what to do all the time. It's not your place to forbid me from being around the Marshes, because you're only doing it because you dislike them. They're good people and they treat me well. You need to learn to forget what happened in High School and just get on with your adult lives. You may be adults, but you both have a lot of growing up to do." Wendy said angrily before continuing up, Kyle following nervously, looking back as if expecting Sean to come after him with a weapon. Wendy's parents exchanged shocked looks at their daughter's behavior.

"There they are, the kid in the hat and the girl with the French thing on her head." said Jonesy to Mark, the two bandmates remembering the signal. "Guys?" they said a bit louder, and Timmy rolled out through it, Stan following. Stan had his guitar on,

"Thanks guys." He confidently stepped forward and took the microphone, "Hello?" Nothing. The crowd was too busy. "Godammit..." Nothing. "...listen to my fucking song!" he cried and everyone stopped, their attention on him. It took a naughty word but he got their attention. "This is for my girlfriend, well, ex-girlfriend, I let her go because... well, I was being stupid and letting my feelings blind me..." Stan sighed, and the Lords of the Underworld slowly began the tune - a slow, simple tune. He began playing his guitar, and finally opened his mouth to sing,

"Thank my lucky stars.  
Here before me now,  
Is everything I'd ever hoped for-  
Saw it in a word, knew it in a glance  
The only thing I think I'd die for-  
I can't stop now... my heart's awake!  
I pray your arms - my arms to take!  
So this is why I'm alive!"

The tune came to a fading end as Stan handed the microphone to Timmy, took off the guitar and walked down off the stage. He looked confident but deep inside he was nervous and feared his plan had failed - he didn't win Wendy, or her family over. He sighed as he went to find a seat by his parents, but suddenly something tackled him to the ground and the next thing he knew he felt a pair of lips against his own.

"Stan, that was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me!" Wendy said, kissing him deeply, arms around him. All the puke that soon covered her was ignored as they got up, smiling at each other. "I love you, Stan Marsh." she said, grabbing his hand. All was forgiven between the two as if nothing had happened.

"I love you too, Wendy." Stan smiled. Kyle approached, smiling as he put a hand on Stan's shoulder, "Thanks for your help, Kyle."

"Any time. I guess me and Wendy just have to accept sharing you." he smiled, "But I don't mind. I used to think you two didn't really care about each other, but I guess I just never realized how powerful love is, you know. I'm so used to just thinking in morals and logic I overlooked your feelings for each other, I'm sorry."

"Thanks Kyle."

"Timmah!" Timmy began the next song, some hard rock, ignoring what had just happened and simply giving the audience what they wanted. Stan, Kyle and Wendy stayed on the side, away from the crowd. "And the... Lords... of the Underworld!"

"And you know what, I've learned something today." Stan said, "We all try to spend our lives making peace with our enemies and to find common ground. And while it's a great thing, the truth is hate is what brings us together. When the forces of evil are at work, we all band together to fight them, even if we hate each other. My parents were fighting but their mutual hatred of Wendy's parents saved their marriage. Or like when Al Qaeda helped us defeat New Jersey. The truth is hatred is the one thing that really brings people together - the enemy of my enemy is my friend."

"Yeah." Kyle smiled.

"Well, I'm glad that's over with... oh crap, the cruise ends tonight doesn't it?" Wendy said with surprise.

"Oh right, it's over! We better start packing our things, we get back to South Park tomorrow!" Stan said, realizing this only now.

xXx

"Randy, I think we just hit something." Sharon said in horror as the Marsh family car cruised down the street toward their house. The vacation was over and it was time to get ready to return to work and school once more. Randy looked forward to visiting the Geology station and bragging to Nelson about how awesome his weekend was, but Shelly did not want to got school tomorrow and explain she'd spent her college fund. Stan wasn't looking forward to being around fatass and friends again. Sharon was just glad to be off that cruise and away from the Testaburgers.

"Oh my God, we killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed, seeing his friend's corpse in front of the car.

"You Bastards!" he heard faintly, seeing in the distance as the Broflovski car pulled into their own home. He felt Randy back into the driveway of their home. Sharon smiled, but Shelly and Stan sighed with boredom.

"Hey shut up, Kyle!" Randy called out the window, but then smiled, "Well family, we're finally home."

"Let's get in the house already. I'll wipe Stanley's friend off the windshield." Sharon said as the car doors opened and the family left. Sharon went to inspect Kenny's corpse as Randy took out his key and wordlessly opened the door as they walked in. "Oh my God!"

"Dad, get down from there, you're going to get yourself killed!" Randy said angrily. About five feet away, a rope was tied to a ceiling fan and Marvin Marsh had the rope around his neck, but alas - he was fine and alive. His hand was on the rope trying to adjust it or tighten it around him to ensure his death.

"That's the idea, Howard!"

"Aw, crap, Stan, get your suitcase, I need to borrow your friend Toolshed's drill again." Randy instructed, annoyed with his father's newest attempt to kill himself. Stan nodded and went back out the still open front door to the car trunk, getting his suitcase and closing it when he turned and noticed Cartman running in his direction.

"Cartman?"

"Dude!" His shirt was torn, with scars visible and large bloodstains. He had a black eye, with both eyes baggy. His hat was missing and his hair was frazzled. One of his gloves was gone, and half of his pants seemed to have been torn. Where his shoes were, Stan did not know or care. "Stan... if the cops arrive, tell them you saw me at Butters' house, okay? BUTTERS' HOUSE."

"...what?"

"Just do this one thing for me you stupid hippie! Shit, they're probably on their way. I gotta run!" Cartman began running off again.

"...the fuck?"

 **The End**


	10. The Last Episode?

**A/N:** _I don't have much to say - edited the Goth Kids' names, removed the long list of names, and cut a few of Bebe's lines (which were originally a bit misogynistic) but otherwise left unedited. This, again, is not one of my prouder fics. It's been five years now, and I hope it's understood I'm not nearly as much of a self-centered piece of shit as when I wrote this thing, making the whole rest of the fandom look like a bunch of idiots. I loved you guys and I'm sorry._

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"The Last Episode?"**

 _by JVM-SP150_

Today was a Wednesday.

For the fourth graders of South Park Elementary School, this was the most important day of the week. Every Wednesday, the entire fourth grade class, male or female, black or white, smart or stupid, tuned in to the Canada Channel and waited for another riveting episode of their favorite animated satire. The Cartoon Central logo would begin as the kids would sit together at their various houses with drinks and popcorn, and then the title credits would roll, and all would be well with the world for just thirty minutes as another episode of Terrance and Phillip rolled by.

"I hear this week they're making fun of Inception or something." Kyle Broflovski said with glee. He loved Terrance and Phillip with a passion - he watched every episode, he bought the DVDs, he listened to the commentaries, he caught them on talk shows, he watched the preview clips, posted on the official forums, edited the wiki and between only him and Stan, he wrote fanfiction for the show in his spare time. Nobody knew more about Terrance and Phillip than him, except maybe Terrance and Phillip themselves. "They go into Phillip's dream I think."

"That sounds hella lame." Cartman said, crossing his arms. Only God knew why Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters still hung out with Cartman. The fat bastard had only gone from bad to worse, from fat to gigantic, from racist to white supremecist. The boy who ground up people's parents and fed them to them as chili was sitting and munching on a bag of cheesy poofs, barely moving.

"Shut up Cartman, it's starting." Stan glared. He needed this - he had just gotten back from a very stressful few weeks and godammit nobody was runing one of the few things that kept him sane when his life was at it's worst. Stan sipped his soda, eyes glued to the television screen.

"This week on and all-new Terrance and Phillip... Terrance's former flame is back!" As the announcer's voice spoke, the boys watched Terrance open a door to reveal Celine Dion with Sally. "And what happens when Phillip finds himself unable to do the thing he loves most!" Phillip appears and bends over to let rip a fart... and nothing happens.

"Oh my God! P-poor Phillip you guys!" Butters' eyes widened with fear as he hugged on to Kenny for dear life, worried about the possibility of losing his own precious ability to pass gas. Kenny uncaringly pushed Butters off and flipped him the bird before reaching for Cartman's bag of cheesy poofs.

"No Kinny!" Cartman slapped Kenny's hand away, but it returned. "No Kinny! I SAID NO KINNEY, THESE ARE MY CHEESY POOFS! NO KINNY THAT'S A BAD KINNY!"

"Shut up!" Stan said again. No more fucking interruptions - Stan was focused solely on finding out what the hell Celine Dion was back for after a decade-long absence from the show. Kyle had informed him numerous times about how Celine had been retconned into nothingness. He let Kyle ramble about it, but in truth the only time he and Kyle really agreed on that sort of issue is when Ugly Bob died in the 201st episode.

xXx

"Say Terrance, what did the Wisconson union say to the Republican?" said Phillip Argyle, standing next to Terrance by their couch. He was in his usual attire - a blue shirt with a 'P' on it. Canadians are not very creative at picking out clothing it seems.

"I don't know, Phillip, what?" FART! Cue giggling. "Hey Phillip, what did Godzilla say to the Japanese?" POOT! More giggling.

"Say Terrance, what did Barbra Streisand say to the Polish monkey?" Suddenly the doorbell rang.

"Hold that one, Phillip." Terrance approached the door and opened it, "Oh my God!"

"Hello Terrance. It's been a long time." Celine Dion said, holding a nervous Sally.

"Yes, yes it has... Celine, I-"

"Who's at the door, Terrance?" Katie Queef-Stoot walked up, "...oh my God, it's famous singer Celine Dion!"

"...who's this, Terrance?" Celine put her hands on her hips - clearly she was displeased with this sudden development.

"...this is my wife, Katie." Terrance said, putting an arm around her. "We were just about to enjoy kroff dinner with Phillip and his wife when you arrived."

"Oh..." clearly Celine was still unhappy, but seemed satisfied, "I didn't realize you'd... moved on."

"Well, I have. Why do you want back into my life all of the sudden, woman?"

"Daddy!" With some convenient timing, Sally launched herself at her father, hugging his leg. "I missed you!"

"Oh Terrance, it's your daughter Sally!" Katie, as a life-long Terrance and Phillip fan, needed no explanation like most wives would in this kind of situation.

"Terrance, it's Sally. She's really missed you. Ever since you rescued her from Iran-"

"Iraq." Phillip corrected.

"Oh, what's the difference? Ever since you two rescued her she's missed you so much, she's wanted to reconnect. I tried to stop her, telling her there was no point but she insisted..." Celine explained, "I'm sorry, Terrance."

"Celine... I don't know what to say..." FART! Terrance and Phillip laughed. Celine angrily approached them... QUIFF!

"Oh yeah, take this!" Phillip said, pointing his rear in her direction. There was an extremely long pause. After several intense moments, Phillip turned around, "I... I have to see a Doctor!"

"Wait, Phillip!" Katherine followed her husband out the door past Celine and Sally.

xXx

"WILL PHILLIP EVER BE ABLE TO FART AGAIN?

WILL TERRANCE RECONNECT WITH HIS DAUGHTER?

WILL KATIE BECOME JEALOUS OF CELINE DION?

WILL SCOTT THE DICK MAKE AN APPEARANCE?

The answers to these questions and more will be answered... right after the commercial break!"

The kids sat in front of the television in anticipation

xXx

AND NOW THE THRILLING CONCLUSION...

Phillip Argyle stood in a doctor's office wearing the smock all patients had to. He sat on the table as he awaited his doctor, nervous about his condition. There was no point to Phillip's life without the ability to fart. His wife Katherine stood a few feet away reading MAPLE SYRUP WEEKLY. "Phillip, did you hear Martha Stewart's released a recipe for Maple Syrup queefs?"

"Katherine, I have a serious problem!" There was a pause, "...dammit! Nothing! Where's my Doctor?" Phillip asked, rising.

"All right, have a seat, guy, I'm right here to take a look at your- Phillip!" Scott the Giant Dick stood in the doorway, hunched over as he held a clipboard. He glared angrily as soon as he saw one of his nemeses seated, "Why is it every time I get a new job you people have to show up and ruin it!"

"Scott, please, I know you're a Giant Dick and all, but I need help. I have a serious problem right now!" Phillip said with sadness, "Scott... please look at my ass."

"No! You're going to fart in my face! I'm not falling for it again!" Scott cried angrily, crossing his arms and looking away. He hated farts, he hated Phillip and he hated looking at asses. All of those things together? He'd rather live with an Eskimo. Phillip burst into tears.

"Scott, Phillip needs you to look at his ass because he can't fart anymore." Katherine explained, putting a hand on her husband's shoulder, before releasing a rather violent queef, "WE GO IN! WE KILL! LOSERS, WAIT! Sorry, little Road Warior Queef there." she said.

"...fine, I'll look at it. Phillip, drop your pants." Scott said, Phillip doing as instructed. Scott tried not to wretch as he peered into Phillip's ass. The problem was apparent immediately, "Well Phillip it looks like you have cancer. In your ass."

"What? In my ass?" Phillip said with shock, looking to Katherine, then back to Scott. Not cancer. Anything but cancer. "Can you remove the tumor?"

"Yes." There was a long pause.

"Well, what the hell are you doing, aren't you going to remove it?"

"No. I wished this cancer upon you when Saddam Hussein invaded. I won't get rid of it even if it means me getting fired." Scott crossed his arms, then there was a loud phone ringing, "Hello? Oh, hi boss. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh thanks." Scott hung up, "Guess who just got fired?"

xXx

"Mommy!" came Sally's urgent voice as her mother tried to read a copy of Persons magazine. "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy." Let Terrance deal with the bastard child, it was his idea not to use a condom after all.

"What is it, Sally?" Terrance asked, folding down his newspaper and looking at his daughter, hoping to reconnect with her, feeling guilty for having abandoned her. He remembered all the trouble Phillip went through to find out who his real father was...

"Why's that man wearing a bag over his head?" Sally pointed to a man in a brown coat with a lowercase 'b' on his shirt, and indeed, a paper bag covering his head.

"Shush darling, that's Ugly Bob. If he took the bag off, your head would explode from the sheer ugliness. And then you will be ugly too and no one will love you." Celine said, patting her daughter on the head thoughtfully.

"He's alive!" Terrance said in shock, getting up and moving several chairs away from the hideously disfigured man.

"Terrance! Celine! I haven't seen any of you since I moved out of Toronto." Ugly Bob said, "Oh, yes, I got a reprieve. You see I was so hideously ugly they wouldn't accept me into Hell. I'm actually here to get some facial correctment surgery."

"Ugly Bob?" they turned to see Phillip, "Ladies, gentlemen... and Ugly Bob. I'd like to let you all know I have cancer. I have seven days to live."

"WILL PHILLIP SURVIVE HIS ASS CANCER?

WILL TERRANCE'S DAUGHTER DO ANYTHING IMPORTANT?

WHY IS UGLY BOB SHOWING UP?

AND WHAT ELSE WILL COME IN THE GRAND TERRANCE & PHILLIP FINALE?

FIND OUT NEXT WEEK AT NINE!"

xXx

"Fft, that episode sucked!" declared Cartman, holding on to the remote, scoffing. What a terrible waste of his time. Why couldn't Terrance and Phillip make something good. Nope, they rolled out crap. Godammit. He tossed the remote on the couch and got up and left. "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

"Yeah, it was dumb. How is Ugly Bob even alive?" Stan asked, rolling his eyes as he got down, "I can't believe they're realling ending the show though. It's fifteen years old." he noted, looking down. "Still. it's not as good as it used to be. They probably want to be cancelled." Stan walked off.

"...what Eric and Stan said." Butters said defiantly, following his friends off toward the door. Kyle stood incredulous, exchanging a glance with Kenny of shock. Was he weird for liking it? Kenny sighed and put a hand on Kyle's shoulder, looking at him supportively.

"I'm sorry dude. I know how important Terrance and Phillip is to you." Kenny said comfortingly, only able to guess at how crappy Kyle must feel, but hoping to sympathize. Kyle was always the dedicated Terrance and Phillip fan, "It must be so hard for you to deal with the show ending."

"I'll make it, Kenny... one day at a time, man, one day at a time..." Kyle said. Kenny nodded understaingly, blue eyes meeting Kyle's browns, before leaving with the others, leaving Kyle alone. He sighed and changed the channel, "Ike, time for the MacNeil/Lehrer Report." Kyle sighed as his little brother hopped in and took the remote.

xXx

"Godammit, Craig you stupid asswipe, no that episode sucked. It was just a bunch of over-dramatic plot crap with no meaning. Terrance and Phillip isn't supposed to be about fart jokes, it's supposed to be about cutting-edge satire on current events. Next thing you know Family Guy will be the top-rated animated comedy series." Eric Cartman stood his ground, flanked by Token and Butters.

"What are you talking about?" Craig shook his head, "Fart jokes are the only reason anyone watches Terrance and Phillip. Like anyone cares about Terrance and Phillip think about stupid celebrities or the Rapture. People want jokes, and that's what the show's really about." he said.

"Yeah, everytime they do a stupid episode that's not funny they lose viewers, even if it's that smart bullshit you guys think is so good." Clyde added, at Craig's side, Kevin Stoley and Jason also standing to their noble leader.

"Fft, Terrance and Phillip isn't about stupid fucking fart jokes, it's about reality. Every fart joke means something on that show. They're not making fun of celebrities, they're making a goddamn point. And last night was just some stupid crap about anal cancer and stupid Celine Dion. There was no meaning behind it!" Cartman accused.

"You guys make me so glad the show is ending next week." Kevin crossed his arms, rolling his eyes. Everyone always had to argue about Terrance and Phillip. Red Racer, Jesus & Pals, Huntin' and Killin', Russell Crowe, no, none of the those shows mattered. But Terrance and Phillip was the one that aroused interest in people.

"Kevin godammit, shut up, this isn't about your stupid Star Wars: The Clone Wars shit, okay?" Cartman facepalmed. Kevin never understood anything. You think being rich would have helped the kids' intelligence levels but no, it was always about fucking Star Wars Jedi bullshit with him.

"I'm not talking about Star Wars-" Kevin attempted to clarify, but Cartman had no ear for it, putting up his hand and looking away,

"Kevin godammit I said shut up!" Cartman said angrily at Kevin, who sighed. This wasn't about stupid Chinese Star Wars nerds, this was serious arguing with Craig and those stupid guys, sans Token. Godammit why was everyone so stupid around him.

"You guys are so juvenile, you know that?" Red shook her head, the other girls behind her, "That show is absolute crap." The girls were shocked by how stupid boys could be sometimes, "We're so much more mature than that."

xXx

Garrison sighed as the bell rang. Time to begin class with all of his stupid little fucking rugrats. Sometimes he really hated his job. "All right class, we've spent the last two weeks discussing the rise of the Nazi Party so I think now we can begin our long-awaited unit on the second World War. Now can anyone tell me-"

"OOH! MR. GARRISON! OOH! PICK ME!" Cartman outstretched his hand eagerly. This was his unit. He was going to get such a raging A+. "I KNOW!"

"I didn't even ask a question yet, Eric." Garrison folled his eyes - how he hated his students, "Can anyone tell me how the war began?" he asked, "Anyone?" Cartman stretched his hand more, "Anybody?" Cartman leaped up on his desk, "All right, fine, Eric, what happened?"

"On September 1st, 1939, the Nazi troops invaded Poland, fighting off the Poland army and taking over the country and splitting it with the Soviet Union." Cartman said, recalling the date and events from memory,

"...Eric, for the first time in the two years I've taught you've children, you finally answered a question completely correctly." Garrison said with astonishment. "Yes, and after they took Poland, the Nazis began building camps in hopes of killing Russian and Polish prisoners-of-war, however..."

"...the Jews, faggots and gypsies got sent there, too!" Cartman smiled, "Hey guys, what's Hitler's least favorite planet! Jewpiter!" Cartman said, laughing hard, looking at Kyle, then stopped, "Kahl? Did you hear my offensive joke?"

"Yeah, Cartman..." Kyle said apathetically.

"Say guys, what's the difference between Jews and boy scouts?" Cartman asked Kyle, putting a hand on Kyle's desk, "Kahl, are you listening? Kahl, what's the difference between Jews and boy scouts?" Kyle didn't respond, "Boy scouts come back from their camps!" Kyle said nothing, "Mr. Garrison, I think I need to take Kahl to the nurse, he's acting really weird. He hasn't yelled at me or anything."

"...Eric, I've never seen you concerned for another human being in your entire life... go for it." Garrison said, handing Cartman a pass to the nurse's office, as he took it, dragging Kyle along as he exited the classroom.

"Why is it that when he acts up, nobody ever does anything!" Wendy said angrily, arms outstretched with annoyance, "He sits there and tells the most racist jokes in the world and we all just sit here and condone it!"

"Wendy, how about you just stop being a little bitch and take some goddamn notes, okay?" Garrison said angrily, taking his chalk and writing on the board.

xXx

Eric Cartman sat outside the nurse's office on a stool in the waiting room - which was really just the hallway. He looked down, eyes wide. Please God, don't let anything happen to Kyle. Kyle may be a dumb Jew, but godammit he was an ENTERTAINING Jew. Besides, if anyone's gonna take him out, Cartman was going to be the one. He swore- no, he KNEW it, deep down. He was going to kill Kyle Broflovski when the moment was right. But that moment was not now, in the fourth grade.

Suddenly there was a rapping at the nurse's door and Cartman opened it, "How is he, Nurse? Will Kahl ever be able to try to beat me up again?" he asked. Nurse Gollum sighed and shook her head (the dead fetus shaking as well, independently) at him. "No, no... it's cancer isn't it? No, I bet that asshole Kinny gave him syphillis... no, I know the truth. He got Super AIDS? There's not enough cash in the world to fight back Super AIDS..."

"Eric, your little friend is absolutely fine. I think he just needs to see the school counseler. Whatever's wrong with him is mental." Nurse Gollum explained, looking at her clipboard, "Mr. Mackey will have to decide whether we're sending little Kyle home or not."

"Thank you Nurse Gollum." Cartman said, "Don't worry, Jewboy. You ain't going nowhere yet." Cartman said calculatingly as Kyle walked out, eyes half-lidded and unfocused. Cartman was of no importance to Kyle any longer - it was as if he was a table now missing a leg, barely able to support itself. Cartman skipped over towards Mr. Mackey's office, which thankfully wasn't far. Craig sat on one of the three waiting seats. "What the hell are you in for?" Craig flipped him off, "Eh, don't flip me off you son of a bitch!"

"M'kay, who's next?" Mr. Mackey poked his head out. Cartman pushed Kyle toward Mackey, "Is something wrong with Kyle, m'kay?" Kyle did look a bit off, but what really worried him was the fact Eric Cartman was with him.

"Mr. Mackey, I'm really worried about him. I don't know what's wrong." Cartman pleaded, hands together, "Please take a look at this stupid Jew for me." he begged. Mackey raised an eyebrow in confusion at the idea of Cartman expressing concern for another human being but he sighed, "Please Mr. Mackey!"

"All right, m'kay, bring him in. But you have to stay outside, m'kay." Mr. Mackey said, not wanting any inteference from Cartman. Gods knows what hair-brained scheme he'd come up with this week and Mackey didn't want to find out. He was more concerned with Kyle's condition, as he'd barely spoken a word, an unusual situation for him.

"Okay." Cartman nodded, taking a seat next to Craig as Mackey closed the door behind him, "So Craig you asswipe what are you up to this week?"

xXx

The most popular and common activity at recess was football, and usually when a football game was going all the fourth grade boys joined in. Today the teams were divided into the first team - Stan, Kenny, Tweek, Butters, Token, Timmy, and Jimmy, against Bill, Fosse, Terrance, Tommy, Jason, Clyde, and Kevin. "Hike!" Stan called as the first play began. "Kenny, go long!" Kenny nodded and began moving backward swiftly.

"Heheh, that's gay!" laughed Fosse McDonald, looking to his cousin Bill Allen as both boys laughed madly, seeing Kenny run back, "Totally gay."

"I got it! I got it!" Tweek Tweak said eagerly, holding his arms out, "AUGH! NO I DON'T!" he retracted them and ran out of the way, much to more laughing from Fosse and Bill. He wasn't good at sports, he hated them, oh how he hated them...

"I'm open!" Kenny called, now near the edge of the field right by the brick perimeter of the playground. Stan tossed the ball to Kenny, who raised his arms to catch it, but the ball only managed to hit him square in the chest and push him against the wall, killing him instantly, a bloody mess all over the bricks.

"Oh my God, I killed Kenny!" Stan said in shock, looking at his poor friend's corpse. Oh no. Kenny was dead. His friend was gone forever. He'd never see him ever again. Stan sighed. Poor Kenny. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to forgive himself for this.

xXx

"YOU BASTARD!" Kyle suddenly sprang to life for a swift moment, much to the shock of Mr. Mackey, who had been sitting with the lifeless Jewish boy for five minutes now. Whatever had happened to him, it seemed to expel energy into his veins for a split second before Kyle returned to normal. Mr. Mackey considered using the ancient school counseler technique of mind meld.

"M'kay Kyle, why am I a bastard?" Mr. Mackey asked, putting one hand on his chin while the other held a notepad and pen.

"Oh, sorry, I don't know what came over me... Mr. Mackey, I'm not sure I should be here." Kyle looked down at the floor. "It's kind of a complicated issue..." he explained nervously. This wasn't the sort of thing he wanted to talk to the school counseler about. He had to appreciate Cartman's concern but godammit this wasn't that big a deal...

"Kyle, I'm the school counseler, m'kay, I'm your friend, there's nothing you can't tell me." Mr. Mackey said taking the pen in one hand and the notepad in the other, ready to jot down notes.

"Look Mr. Mackey... have you ever really gotten obsessive over something, where it felt like it was almost a part of you? One of my favorite television series is going to air it's finale next week and well... I dunno. It's like... I know all good things must come to an end but... it's just hard to image a world without Terrance and Phillip."

"...what? There's not gonna be any more Terrance and Phillip?" Mr. Mackey said, mouth wide open, "You're kidding, m'kay? The show's been on for fifteen years, it can't be over yet." Mackey said quietly, sounding more as if speaking to himself than Kyle. He shook his head, "Kyle, I think what you need is to attend a TV addiction therapy class after school with me and a few other students and adults is that okay?"

"...no! No it's not okay! I'm not addicted! Haven't you ever had that one show Mr. Mackey where no matter how shitty it gets, it's like a friend and you can't just stand and abandon it? Where it becomes more than a TV show to you?" Kyle asked, looking at Mr. Mackey, earthly brown eyes almost pleading with him.

"M'kay, Kyle, I think you need to step out of my office and take a breather at home. Come back and see me tomorrow during recess, m'kay?" Mackey said, tense, avoiding Kyle's question. He wasn't comofrtable answering it for reasons Kyle couldn't understand.

The Jewish boy, angered his question was not answered, glared at him. "Answer my question, Mackey!" Kyle said, eyes narrow.

"M'kay, how about you keep your goddamn mouth shut and get the fuck out of my office! I will rape you in the mouth, m'kay!" Mackey rose up, glaring at Kyle in a rage Kyle had not seen since the last school play, when they had performed on the dangers of the legendary, evil creature known as Tooth Decay. Kyle sighed and walked out, looking back to see Mr. Mackey picking up the phone,

"M'kay, Johnson, is that you? We had a turd in the punch bowl, m'kay." he said. Kyle raised an eyebrow but shook his head and closed the door behind him, checking both ways. Nope, he was alone, besides Craig, but that was a given outside Mackey's office.

"...hey, where's fatass?" he asked Craig. Craig yawned, and promptly flipped Kyle the bird. "Hey, don't you flip me off!"

xXx

"Hey son, you're home early." Stuart McCormick said, arms crossed. He was sober, which Kenny found quite strange until he realized it was still morning. His father's hair was still mildly combed and his trademark Scotch cape was perfect on his head. Kenny rolled his eyes at his father as he sat up in his bed. "Your mother's at work. I'm going to the bar. Place is all your's. Better have a roof on when I get back." Kenny nodded and waited to hear the door slam behind his father before getting up and running into the front room.

"I need a new show." he mumbled beneath his hood as he turned the TV on and opened a TV Guide with all of the NASCAR and Terrance & Phillip episodes circled in orange - those were his shows. All sorts of shows Kenny didn't know were circled in red by Kevin and green was used to circle his mother's shows, mostly stuff about cooking and romance. Ugh. Last was highlighted in blue, all sorts of stuff on alcohol - that was dad's. He turned on the TV:

"Back to an all-new episode of Family Guy..." Kenny turned his head, watching as the Griffin family was shown, Peter sitting in an arm-chair with his family on the couch. He stared suggestively toward Lois as she spoke,

"Petah, did you get drunk at the stag party last night?"

"No, I was too busy eating noodles in Moscow with Christina Hendricks." The scene changed to a dinner room with armed guards in ushankas holding weapons and beer, and a table at which Peter sat across from a red-haired woman in a dress who's impressive chest Kenny immediately recognized, though it took him a moment to recall exactly who's animated assets he was admiring. "Thanks for buying me noodles, Christina!"

Kenny raised an eyebrow and wasn't sure whether to fall over laughing at the insanity of the scene before his eyes or to cry at just how pointless it seemed to be. Meh, Kyle watched Family Guy, Kenny would prefer to find something more his own. Besides, he'd heard things from his father about Christina Hendricks which made him prefer to forget who she was.

xXx

"Augh! Don't pass it to me! Oh God, oh Jesus, please not me!" called out Tweek. He hated football - like Kenny, he was athletically challenged, too nervous to handle the game. Luckily Token and Stan had handled the ball for their team mostly, leaving Tweek little to do, something he personally was glad about.

"Timmah!" Timmy loved sports but didn't have the prowess of his friends, however - he just liked playing. Unfortunately it was near impossible to get the ball sometimes, even if he was open, "Daw libalaw timmah!"

"Come on, fellas, you got this covered!" Butters called from the back. He wasn't too interested in the game, he was planning Professor Chaos' latest scheme to take over the town, besides Stan and Token didn't like him too much - he wasn't expecting the ball to come near him. Stan tossed the ball to Mark Cotswolds, who was reluctantly filling in for the now mysteriously absent Kenny, and the home-schooled boy quickly tossed it in the direction of Token, who along with Stan, were the star players.

"Go long, Tw-" there was a tap on Stan's shoulder and he turned, "Yeah, dude?" he turned, raising an eyebrow, "C-Cartman?" he said, shocked. What did Cartman want? "What's wrong? Is Kyle okay?" he asked, deeply concerned for his friend. As faggish as it was, Kyle meant the world to him. He refused to see his best friend go, at least not without a fight.

"...he's going to be okay... if you help me." Cartman smiled. Stan raising an eyebrow, "What?" Cartman said, not understanding why Stan looked so confused, "Look Stan, I know exactly how to help Kyle. I need to see you at my house after school, okay? Bring Butters, okay?" Cartman skipped off merrily.

"...we contining our game or do you have to go, Stan?" Jason asked with a frown. The other boys were enjoying the game, not willing to let it go so easily. Well, Tweek was kind of liking the idea of losing the pressure, but Mark Cotswolds enjoyed the socialization and most of the other boys just liked football because they did.

"Yeah, I'm up to play, I just have to see Cartman after school." Stan shrugged, "Dude, Jimmy, get ready to go long." he smiled, getting back into game mode and smiling in Jimmy's direction. Jimmy began running back in hopes of getting the ball for his team. Mark Cotswolds stood near him, ready to grab it if Jimmy missed.

"Hey Stan, isn't your birthday coming up?" asked Clyde with curiosity.

xXx

"Well, I'm glad we could all make it here tonight. My mom made lemon squares - I'd like to thank Clyde for the recipe. Anyway, let's now commence the first of hopefully many meetings of the Alliance to Restore Terrance and Phillip, or ARTP. I'm Eric Cartman." Cartman smiled at the podium, looking over at the few filled seats. "How are we all feeling, today? Stan?" he asked, looking over to Stan, who had a hand on his cheek and looked away, distracted.

"Oh, uh, sorry, I was just thinking about... nothing." Stan shook his head. "Is this really everyone?" he looked over at the few other individuals who showed up. He just wanted to help Kyle and get him out of his rut. He could only imagine what his best friend was going through right now. He sighed quietly, and Cartman understood somewhat, although he wouldn't admit it - just because Cartman lacked the ability to feel empathy for others did not mean he lacked a basic understanding of human emotion.

"Uh, excuse me, how long is this going to take? I need to get back to work in a few hours..." rose a man in his chair, wearing a dark suit with neatly combed brown hair. He was very familiar to the boys, but they had to confess they did not know his name as often as they saw him.

"Mr. Johnson, was it? Yes, I know Mayor McDaniels needs you, she always needs her aides, heheh, but don't worry. I know you're a big Terrance and Phillip fan and that's totally okay, 'cuz together we are all going to get the show un-cancelled!" Cartman said with a wide grin, outstretching his arms. Butters clapped wildly, whooping happily in support of his friend. Stan raised an eyebrow. Johnson sat back down,

"Well little boy, how are we going to do that?" Johnson asked skeptically - as optimistic as he was to revive the show, it didn't exactly seem like a likely possibility to him at least.

"How do we do that? Oh, it's very simple, Johnson. We'll use you to threaten the City Wok owner and take a City Airlines flight up to Canada, where we will reach Toronto and use Ike to gain entrance due to his status, and then we will find the CEOs and try to convince them not to cancel it. If that plan fails, we will have to find the set ourselves - using Butters as a decoy to lure the guards away - then me, Stan, Ike, and Johnson will speak with Terrance, Phillip, Celine, Ugly Bob, the Queef Sisters and Scott the Giant Dick." The others exchanged glances.

"Sweetie, another person is here for your little club meeting!" came Liane Cartman's voice. Cartman left the podium and approached the stairs - his mother stood at the top, looking down into the basement, "I'm sorry to interrupt your little meeting, honey, but someone else came insisting they had to attend your meeting." she explained.

"Oh, who mom?" Liane moved aside as Mr. Mackey stepped out, sighing and looking quite ashamed of himself. Cartman's eyebrow raised, "I know you didn't expect one of your teachers to show up, sweetie - but we do have one more new person..." and out walked Bebe, smiling with her arms out as if she had won some kind of grand prize.

"Bebe? The fuck are you doing here?" Cartman asked, his mother saying nothing but wagging her finger at his language - she wasn't strong enough at the moment to tell him not to do it, but she was determined not to let it go unresolved either. "You're really a Terrance & Phillip fan?" he asked, completely ignoring his mother in shock a girl from his school was here. The girls all hated the show he had been told.

"Yes, I love the show, ever since... season five, was it?" Bebe smiled, but the others all looked at each other as if they knew more about her than she did of herself, "I mean come on guys, Terrance & Phillip is the best, am I right?"

"Just let her in Cartman, dude, they have as much a right to do what they want with the characters as we do, even if all they do is write Terrance and Phillip farting, making out and touching each other's penises." Stan said, desperate for support to help Kyle.

"All right, fine. Bebe, you're in. Mr. Mackey, you actually like Terrance & Phillip? I thought you didn't even know who they were?" Cartman asked curiously, raising an eyebrow. All eyes were no on the school counselor rather than on Bebe, who was fine with this for once.

"I've been watching it for years, m'kay... it's just kind of embarassing, I'm a school counselor, I'm supposed to think the show is deplorable, m'kay... it's helped me through some rough times, when my father died, m'kay... I even met Ugly Bob himself at a convention in Toronto years ago... it's just something I don't like to talk about... but if the show's ending, m'kay, I'll come out. I don't want it to end. Ever."

"All right, friends, in this case, let's get to City Wok- I mean, uh, City Airlines and book ourselves a flight!" Cartman smirked as he left the podium and called up the stairs, "Maaaaaaaaaam!"

"Yes, hon?" came Liane Cartman's sweet, sugary voice as she looked down at her totally innocent son, who smiled up at her with that look most adults immediately knew was a sign of evil to come, "What is it, sweetie?" she asked him.

"Mam, me and my friends are going to Canada, will you drive us to City Airlines please? And come with and hold our bags and drinks and stuff?" Cartman asked as sweetly as he could, looking at his mother with that innocent smile that always seemed to win her over. Liane put a hand to her mouth, trying to resist, but this time unable to say no to her darling boy.

"All right, Eric, I'll drive you and your friends to City Wok... but I won't be carrying anyone's bags!" she said, wagging her finger angrily, trying to be reasonable. She was trying to learn to control her son, but she had a hard time giving a flat-out 'no' and after what happened at Best Buy, she wasn't sure she could do so anymore.

"Thank you, mammy." he said, smiling as his mother left to get her coat. He turned back to the others, "All right, friends, well, here's a box of Terrance and Phillip assorted T-shirts, get them on, and then we're off to Canada, okay? Since mam isn't coming, Butters, you'll be holding on to our bags, okay?"

xXx

Kenny sighed, hand on his cheek. He changed the channel for what felt like the hundredth time and instantly recognized the men on-screen as Ashton Kutcher and Jon Cryer sat on a couch arguing. He couldn't decide whether this show was genius or absolutely horrid - every time he thought it was one, something happened to remind him of the opposite. "I can't believe you slept with my girlfriend!"

"Well Alan, you know what they say, you snooze, you lose." Kutcher smirked, taking a swig of a beer bottle, cuing some laughter from the unseen live audience, "Besides, she could do better than you." he smirked. Kenny rolled his eyes - he hoped he wasn't that big of an ass when he grew up. Though he did hope to get as much pussy.

"You are such an ass. You're almost as bad as Charlie before he became an internet sensation..." Alan crossed his arms, sitting back. Kenny rolled his eyes - Alan was such an idiot. Now he remembered why he hated this show so much. Cue to a cutaway of Charlie Sheen himself, sitting in a chair at an interview with some woman Kenny instantly recognized but could not call the name of.

"I was bangin' seven gram rocks, that's how I roll - WINNING! Come on 'yall, I got Tiger blood! WINNING!"

"Are you bipolar?"

"I'm bi-winning! Win here, win there, win-win everywhere!"

Kenny was about to change the channel, feeling Two and a Half Men was best reserved for when he was cheesing his brains out, when Ashton leaped up off the couch, a woman walking up to him, "Alan Harper, you just got Punk'd! I didn't sleep with your girlfriend, man!" Alan looked furious, when suddenly a boy as tall as each of them with a deep voice walked by,

"Wow dad, way to make a big deal out of nothing." Yeah. Jake wasn't half as funny when he was an adult as he was when he was a ten-year-old. Kenny rolled his eyes and changed the channel.

xXx

Kyle Broflovski sat at his computer, typing quickly at the Cartoon Central Studios forums. He knew he had a great idea. It was totally perfect. The fact he had blatantly stolen it from Tweek was completely irrelevant. He finally typed his long, eloquent idea and pressed the 'send' button and proudly viewed his post. The idea was simple: get together as many Terrance & Phillip fans as possible to sign a petition, and when they had 500 signatures, the show could be renewed. It was perfect. And everyone would praise 69ing Chupmunks, the boy who saved Terrance & Phillip.

"Kyle, open this door." came Kyle's father's voice. His eyes widened and he shut off his computer monitor, knowing it would look off, then unlocked and opened his bedroom door. His father Gerald stood there, "Son, your mother's almost finished with dinner, you better wash up and get ready... you okay, Kyle?" he asked, suddenly crouching down, "You look tired."

"I-I'm fine, dad." Kyle lied. He'd barely been able to sleep last night, his mind filled constantly with images from the recent episode. He couldn't stand the idea of the show ending. He just couldn't. Perhaps it was juvenile to lose sleep over television but he couldn't help it - Terrance & Phillip were his idols.

"Well, all right. Go wash up." Gerald nodded, walking towards his bedroom and leaving his son alone. Kyle nodded and went to the bathroom, squirting some soap on his hands while thinking about what to do about his stories. Writing Terrance & Phillip fanfiction had always been a fond hobby of his, but he wasn't sure he could go on with his stuff if the show ended. Besides, he'd been hitting writer's block but now he could feel ideas rushing to his head all the time.

"Kyle, bubbe, dinner!" came Sheila's voice from the basement. Kyle dried his hands on the towel and turned his head toward the door,

"Coming mom!" he called as he finished, entered the hallway and walked downstairs for dinner.

xXx

Tuong Lu Kim stood behind the counter at City Wok, his treasured place of occupation, the restaraunt that belonged to him and his wife Wing and nobody else. He held the phone to his cheek, eyebrows narrow, "Shishter, whoa, whoa, it'sh okay, I didn't-a kiw nobody. Well, of cowse youw shon can wowk here, dere'sh a'waysh a job for another Chineshe man at Shitty Wok." he said as his door jingled. Cartman, Butters, Stan, Bebe, Ike, Mr. Mackey and Johnson entered, "I caw you back, customews here." he hung up, smiling and grabbing a notepad, "Welcome to Shitty Wok, canna take orda prease? Would you wike to twy our Shitty Kung Pow Sheecken?"

"Hello, Mr. Lu Kim, we're actually looking for the owner of Shitty Airlines." Cartman said as he approached the desk, looking at Lu Kim with a fake show of respect, though deep down he resented Lu Kim as much as he did anybody else in town. Cartman wore a T-shirt with Terrance and Phillip's faces on it along with the words 'ASS' and 'MASTER'.

"Oh, howd on jusht a minute." Lu Kim disappeared behind the counter then reappeared with an Airline Captain's hat on, "Shitty Airrine, take orda, prease?"

"Seven to Canada, please. Round trip." Cartman asked, putting an arm on the counter, "How much'll that be? A pretty penny, I'm guessing, eh?" he smirked, trying his best to barter. He knew Lu Kim was a sucker, but God help the man had one of his smart moments.

"Oooh, that'w be about..." Lu Kim began writing the numbers on his notepad, dropping the ten, carrying the one, subtracting, dividing, multiplying - he wasn't Jewish but he was Chinese, therefore he still had skill in the field of Math by rule of stereotypes, "Five thousand dorra."

"Oooh, we don't have that much... how about seven dorra?" Cartman asked with a challenging smirk.

"How about one thousand dorra?" Lu Kim narrowed his eyes.

"Eight dorra?"

"Five hundwed dorra!"

"Four dorra."

"Two hundwed dorra!"

"Tree fiddy."

"Sixty dorra!"

"Tree fiddy." Cartman repeated, standing by this one.

"Fine, twee fiddy then!" Lu Kim said as Cartman handed him $3.50, smirking evily. Lu Kim rubbed his palms together, "Never try-a barter with a Chinese man." Cartman and Lu Kim both smirked triumphantly, while the others exchanged nervous glances, leaving things to Cartman. As much as they hated him, he was a goodleader.

"Thank you, Mr. Lu Kim, we can't thank you enough for this valuable transporation. We need to be in Toronto as soon as possible, can you do that?" Cartman asked Lu Kim with hope. Lu Kim nodded, "We're going to Toronto so we can save the show Terrance & Phillip, you see." he explained.

"Ohhh, dash sho shweet." Lu Kim answered, "I get you thew by tomowow morning. Maybe I go with you." he explained, "One houw, then we go. Pack." Cartman nodded, and returned to the rest of his club.

"What did I tell you? I was successful, guys. Now we just need to wait an hour, then we get to go to Canada and save the show and finally Kyle will kick my ass for making all those Jew jokes again!" Cartman smirked, "Who's with me? Say Aye!"

"Aye!" Butters said cheerfully, looking around, "Well, uh, gee guys, aren't you all supposed to say 'Aye' too, I mean we all want to save Terrance and Phillip, right fellers?" he said nervously, putting his little fists together as Cartman rolled his eyes.

"...yeah, whatever Butters."

xXx

Kenny sighed as he switched to Animal Planet, the words FINDING BIGFOOT appearing on the screen. Now he had a bad feeling about this one... Kenny sighed as he saw the people appear on-screen, "We're totally gonna capture a Sasquatch, guys! We did everything scientifically perfect, you know? Everyone followed my orders. He's our's, just wait." Kenny rolled his eyes - it reminded him too much of Whale Wars. He quickly switched channels.

"Ray, did you remember to tell your parents to watch the kids today?" Patricia Heaton. Ah, Everybody Loves Raymond. Another stupid comedy that Kenny would one moment scratch his head at as if he'd missed the entire thing, then laugh at another moment later. Ray Barone entered the room looking quite scared, at least Kenny thought he did. As Ray spoke, he mouthed the same words,

"Of course I did, Debra, they're right on the way." And as soon as he said it, a ridiculously tall man, a short fat woman with curly blonde hair, and a balding old man entered - Ray's parents and brother. Ugh. And this is the part where Kenny loses interest in the show. "Oh, here they are."

"Raymond, are you sure you need us to watch the kids today?" said Ray's mother, Marie, the fat old woman with blonde hair, "Can't Debra do it?" she pleaded. Kenny rolled his eyes. This show was so predictable. He'd hate it save for one aspect-

"Yeah, how's Marie gonna cook me dinner if she's watching the damn kids?" said Frank, Ray's father and in Kenny's opinion, the only really entertaining aspect of the show. Regardless, he sure didn't feel like watching Raymond. He switched the channel again to what looked like a bunch of girls in front of a webcam.

"Hi, my name is Carly and welcome to my webshow, iCarly!" Kenny's eyes widened in fear, "Today we're going to boil fried eggs inside of this homeless guy's pants, and then Freddie and Spencer are going to have a dance competition! And then Victorious is on and you know you want to watch that!" Kenny raised an eyebrow, shook his head and changed the channel. Motherfucker. Why is there nothing good on television?

xXx

Clyde, Craig, Token, Jimmy, Tweek and Jason had arrived before class to discuss last night's new installment of Fatt Abbott, as was tradition. Craig and Clyde were putting some books away as the others spoke, Jimmy at the stand "So did you guys see the p-p-pah, the p-p-pah, the p-p-pah- the scene where Fat Abbott tells the guy from the p-p-p-pah, p-p-p-"

"Hey dudes!" Kyle Broflovski smiled at the others as he arrived as if he was a part of the ritual, "I was wondering if you guys'd help me out with something. See, I'm working on my Terrance & Phillip fanfiction series, and I totally have a creative rush, and I was thinking you guys, what if Celine started liking Phillip instead of Terrance?" he asked. Clyde closed his locker and raised an eyebrow. Craig completely ignored them and went about his business. Jason facepalmed.

"Well Kyle, I think that's a spl-splendid idea." Jimmy said, his friends exchanging odd glances. Why did Jimmy have to be so nice, couldn't he just tell Kyle to fuck off? "But I don't think it'd w-work. Celine clearly has an obsessive crush on Terrance, and it's unlikely she'd develop one on Ph-Phillip without her feelings first diminishing for Terrance. It's just not pl-pl-plausible."

"Oh, okay... what about you guys?" Kyle asked enthusiastically, totally sure his friends would give him the perfect input. Craig was in his locker, Clyde and Token exchanged nervous glances, Tweek twitched and Jason just didn't seem interested. "Guys?"

"Look Kyle, that's not really our thing. We don't do... fanfiction, okay?" Jason said, trying to be gentle, knowing if one of the other kids handled it they'd probably be, well to put it nicely, a lot less rough. Kyle raised an eyebrow, as if confused, and then Token stepped forward.

"Look, me and Jimmy have to get to the library to take some books out before class." he said, "We'll leave you guys alone for now." Token explained as he began walking, motioning for Jimmy to follow. Jimmy looked back before walking after him. Kyle was not suspicious at all of their behavior, despite noticing Jimmy's reluctance to go. He shrugged, but then turned to them.

"You guys wanna sign my petition? For more Terrance & Phillip episodes." he asked, smiling. Token nodded 'no' and went on, with Jimmy giving no sign. Jason, Clyde, and Tweek remained, exchanging nervous glances. Jason nodded simply and took the petition and quickly wrote his signature. "How about you, Clyde?" Clyde shrugged and did so, although in truth he felt Kyle was being goddamn annoying. "Tweek?"

"Nggh! Signing petitions is way too much pressure, man!" Tweek panicked, twitching and looking around as if being watched before snatching the paper signing it, tossing it to Kyle, and running off to class, twitcihng along merrily. Clyde and Jason shrugged as Craig's locker door snapped shut.

"Thanks you guys." Kyle nodded, "See you later." Clyde and Jason began walking to class, leaving Kyle alone with Craig, he approached Craig carefully, and then cleared his throat, "So Craig, what would you think if Ugly Bob got multiple personality disorder and Scott the Dick started a-"

"Look Kyle, I won't butter you up. I really don't care. At all. Besides, Red Racer is a much better show than your precious Terrance & Phillip show, and if you're that desperate for new episodes, a petition won't work. They won't even look at it, okay. So stop wasting your time and accept next week is the last episode." Craig said as he walked off towards class, leaving Kyle speechless.

xXx

"Hey Frank," said Doug the Cartoon Central security guard, a young Canadian man in his prime with well-combed black hair "How about them Maple Leafs, eh?" he asked with a laugh. Frank raised an eyebrow, holding a coffee, "What a bunch of jokers. Can't even use the right name. It's leaves, not leafs. The Sens use proper grammar at least, heh."

"Doug, you're an ass, you know that?" replied Frank, who glared at his companian. He was quite sick of his friend annoying him, but before he could continue, there was a loud pop a few feet away, "Did you hear that?" Doug nodded, fear evident, "We better go see what it was, it sounded like a bomb." the two security guars ran off to investigate the small explosion - allowing perfect access for Cartman, Stan, Butters, Bebe, Ike, Johnson, Mr. Mackey and Lu Kim into the lot.

"Good job on the fireworks, Stan." Cartman nodded with a smirk, noting Stan's knowledge of weapons, explosives and fireworks was a useful asset - and hopefully would continue to be so. "Now we need to find a way into the actual headquarters building since we've passed the guards. Any ideas?"

"Hey, what are you doing back here?" said a Canadian guard who approached them, this one looking somewhat old with a wrinkled face and a gray combover. As the others stepped back, Ike moved forward and looked up at the guard. "Oh my God, I'm really sorry, buddeh, I didn't realize they were with you." the guard moved aside and let them in, "Wow, I never thought I'd get to meet a real Canadian Knight, eh."

"Why thank you Ike. You, Stan, and City Wok Guy have proven you usefulness already... Butters, Mackey, Johnson, Bebe, still waiting on you guys." Cartman glared. Bebe flipped Cartman off with annoyance he was treating them like tools. They looked inside the studio and saw a plaque listing who's filming where. Lu Kim quickly ran up to it.

"Ret me shee that! Shtage eight! Terrish and Phirrip!" he said triumphantly, the others following as they ran toward the eighth stage. They stopped in front of the door, smirking. They had made it. All they had to do now was go in, speak with Terrance and Phillip and-

"Wait... this is too easy." Johnson said, "Sure, we got rid of the security guards, but there's always something else. It's not this easy to just get in. There has to be something else nearby, waiting to ambush us." he explained, turning around. Cartman raised an eyebrow, making a note Johnson was more intelligent than he suspected, "I mean it's like the Mayor. Do you know how hard she is to protect?"

"Well, well, you're right. There is something else." The group tourned to see Scott the Giant Dick, holding a large rifle - though he was large enough to hold it in one hand like a pistol. He glared down at them from over the studio, and everyone backed away in fear.

"It's Scott!" Ike called out in fear, hiding behind Stan, who raised an eyebrow. Godammit, why was he supposed to be the one to protect him?

"He's a dick!" Butters said in fear, putting his hands over his mouth.

"And then he got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now he's a Giant Dick!" Bebe said, also moving behind Stan, who was getting kind of sick of people expecting him to protect them.

"Shut up! You filthy Americans think you're some kind of stupid World Police, trying to take over the world, eh? Well you aren't laying one of your grimy round fingers on our precious Canadian soil! If there's one thing I hate more than Native Canadian First Nations, it's fucking American scum!"

"Scott, please, m'kay, you have to let us through!" Mr. Mackey said, trying to appeal to his inner pain, "I know it's hard being, you know, a dick, m'kay, but I want to try something with you called a mind meld, m'kay, and then we can work together to discover your inner pain and better yourself as a person. Do you understand Mr. Giant Dick, m'kay?"

"I know it's just a trick! You just want to hurt Terrance & Phillip and you're trying to distract me!" Scott turned around, crossing his arms. "Hurting them is my job!" he said angrily. While he looked away, the others moved through the doors, leaving Mackey alone with Scott. Mackey stepped forward.

"M'kay, I'm going to tap into your subconcious, Scott." Mackey said, putting a hand on one of Scott's feet - a connection was "Our minds are one. Mkay? Our thoughts are one. Mkay? Open your mind to your counselor. Open your mind..."

xXx

Kenny sat on the couch, eyes wide and half-asleep, checking Fox now. He'd been through what felt like a million channels. His eyes widened when he saw someone flip him off, but he realized it was an L. Glee? What the fuck is that? A bunch of teenagers walked in a hallway on the screen - one in particular with black hair and a big smile walked out, "Hey guys! So how do I look?"

"Kurt, could you possibly be any more gay?" said a large kid who rolled his eyes and left. Next to him was a girl with long black hair in a cheerleading outfit who began making out with a blonde-haired girl in a similar outfit. Kenny could get used to do this! A kid in a wheelchair with cartoonish glasses rolled up,

"Room for one more?" Kenny raised an eyebrow. Well, it had lesbians - that made it already ten times more entertaining than anything else. Then suddenly from behind a corner of the wall appeared a blonde-haired woman with a snarl, rubbing her hands together in a way that reminded Kenny of Tuong Lu Kim.

"I'll get you, Glee Club, or my name isn't Sue Sylvester!" she said before disappearing. Kenny quickly changed the channel but made a note to keep an eye on that show, switching now to some kind of orange mutant pig with some very tall hair, screaming loudly. Kenny dropped the remote in shock then ran to the floor to find it as he heard it scream some kind of shrill cry he could barely decipher.

"NYAAAH! SNOOKI WANT SMOOSH-SMOOSH!" Kenny finally found the remote under the table, grabbed it and quickly changed the channel with a smirk, seeing a man in a hospital bed who looked an awful lot like he was dying. The fuck? He was supposed to enjoy this? This shit looked depressing.

"I'll find a cure, dammit. I always find a cure, or whatever the problem is. Watson! Watson! Where's Watson?" asked a man who looked very British in Kenny's opinion, who seemed to be some kind of Doctor. Another doctor moved up, this one looking fairly normal, "There you are Watson!"

"My name is Wilson." he replied, "And you're not Sherlock Holmes, you're Dr. Gregory House. We've been over this before." he said with annoyance. "Now, what's the patient suffering from? Any ideas?" he asked, looking at a clipboard.

"We don't know. We never know. We didn't know last week, we don't know this week! We won't know next week, either!" House said, "We'll figure it out though, just like we did next week, and just like we will next week. Assuming nobody kills themselves on us again." Kenny switched the channel. For a moment he saw what looked like a nude man on top of a nude woman releasing his bowels on top of her stomach before the same show cut to two boys.

"Simon, you are a panty-sniffer!" said a boy with curly hair whom Kenny could swear he'd seen somewhere before. Oh, what was his name... "You're a melon-fucker." Nathan said, "You're a butt pirate, and a rump ranger, but most of all, you're a goddamn dirty melon-fucker." he said proudly, one hand on his hip. Simon simply rolled his eyes and suddenly disappeared. "I know you're still there you, scrotum licker!"

"No, I'm in the other room now." came a bodyless voice and Nathan crossed his arms. The door soon rang and in entered a man who looked much older who looked fairly angry. There was a cut to a nude woman playing with legoes on top of a nude man who was peeing on the ceiling, then back to the show. The man crossed his arms as Nathan backed away with a glare,

"Nathan, this is your probation officer, it's time to-" BANG BANG. The probation officer fell dead and Nathan stood smirking and holding a knife. He quickly pocketed it, and whistled merrily along. Kenny was just about to change the channel when he saw another shot of the nude couple, this time the woman was massaging a penguin while the man was underneath her doing curl-ups. Then the show came back.

"Well, I guess I'll just watch TV." Nathan sat down with a chocolate bar, then his eyes widened, "I should not have put the knife in my fucking back pocket." he said as he fell over on the couch dead, dropping his chocolate bar. As if by thin air, someone picked it up and soon a piece of it disappeared. And another piece. And suddenly Nathan stood up, "Simon, you dick!" Kenny's eyes widened, astonished - perhaps he was not the only one.

xXx

"So, what do you think aboot the new show ideas? My favorite is the one is aboot a filthy American-Canadian immigrant and an intelligent Canadian man trying to live together in Vancouver. I was thinking we could get Bryan Adams to play the Canadian man. Sounds good, eh, guy?" said a Canadian man with gray hair, complete with combover. He also wore a very dark suit.

"Don't call me your guy, friend." replied the Canadian man next to him, a large man in overalls with a red tie, a mustache, a large cigar and gray hair, "I like the ideas, sir, but I need to speak with Cartoon Central's CEO before we at the Canada Channel buy a thing. After the Queef Sisters/Terrance & Phillip debacle in April, I want to make sure we get this one right, guy." he replied.

"Sir! Sir!" approached Butters Stotch, his eyes squinted and a pencil line drawn from the edges of his mouth around his head. He cleared his throat and attempted a Canadian accent, "You're the Head of Cartoon Central, right, eh? You're the guy who's... aboot... controlling the Terrance & Phillip show?"

"Oh no, no, I work for the Canada Channel, we just broadcast the show, but you are at the right place. This is Cartoon Central Studios, where Terrance & Phillip is produced. You must be an intern, huh? My name's Brian. Anyway, Terrance & Phillip is filmed pretty close, but if you want to speak with the CEO he's just right this way..." Brian said, but the other man stopped him.

"No, Brian, this kid is just an intern after all, are you sure the CEO would be willing to see him? You know how he gets aboot how valuable his time is..." the man with the combover said, a hand on Brian's shoulders. Brian looked down to Butters. "He's just a boy..."

"Kid, what exactly do you wish to speak to the CEO aboot?" Brian asked, raising an eyebrow and looking down at Butters. He squinted his eyes a bit more and put his hands together nervously. He didn't want to be caught so easily, "Well?"

"Gee, sir, I just wanted to talk to him about, uh, un-cancelling the Terrance & Phillip show. You see, uh, the merchandising reports, uh, have been way up this week with the show coming to an end and all, and we think if we lengthen it just a bit more, we might be able to milk the cash cow we have going and get a 25% increase in Terrance & Phillip related revenue."

"Oh, why the CEO will be glad to hear aboot that." Brian said, leading Butters to a room entitled 'CEO's Office' - there was a waiting room stylized outside, complete with chairs and magazines "He has an appointment right now, you can just wait out here and read a magazine or something, kid. And hey, kid? Good luck." Brian and the other Canadian left.

"Excellent job, Butters!" Cartman smiled, walking out with the other members of the group, "I'm proud of you, it looks like just a little bit of my manipulative genius rubbed off on to you." he smirked, "All right, now let's give this CEO hell, huh?" he smirked, picking up a magazine, "Motherfucker, all they have is Canada magazine?"

"Awh, gee thanks Eric... yeah that's all they have. Lots of copies though, everyone can find something to enjoy I'm sure." Butters smiled.

"Butters, you are such a faggot, dude." Stan rolled his eyes as he searched the magazine for an article that was even vaguely interesting, choosing to devote his time to some article about the censored "Mystery at Lazy J. Ranch" episode of Terrance & Phillip.

xXx

Kyle triumphantly left school holding his notebook - he had already gotten fifty signatures for his petition from pretty much every male student of any grade besides Craig. He also had pages upon pages of story ideas and fragments - he was proud of himself. Even if Terrance & Phillip ended, he could go on with his fanfics and storylines. The blow no longer hurt, the depression was over. He smiled when he spotted Gary Harrison, realizing he hadn't gotten a signature from him, "Hey Gary! Dude!"

"Oh, hello Kyle. What do you want?" he asked with a smile. Gary was glad Kyle had decided to speak with him, it felt like years since any of the other boys in class had spoken with him, besides those two kids who kept insisting he was a homosexual ever since he transferred into Mr. Thompson's class.

"Would you please sign my petition to get Terrance & Phillip back on the air? I got all the other guys' signatures besides you, Craig, Damien and those Vampire kids who hang out behind the school." Kyle asked, smiling and holding out the petition and a pen.

"Oh, sure. You already have a lot of signatures, and even though I don't watch this show I really hope it goes back on the air so you can be happy." Gary said, signing the petition quickly with handwriting that put most other children's to shame, "What's your target?"

"I have around fifty-one signatures and I need... about ten thousand. The show averages two million viewers an episode, so ten thousand is about five percent if my Math is right."

"Wow, dude, ten thousand signatures? That's an awful lot! When's your deadline?" Gary asked hopefully, really hoping his friend's petition worked out in his favor so that all would be well and fine and dandy for him. He really thought Kyle was cool and deserved to be happy.

"...Wednesday at Nine." Kyle answered right off his head. New episodes of Terrance & Phillip aired every Wednesday on the Canada Channel at 9pm, fourteen episodes were made a year and in two halves, one airing during spring and the other in the fall.

"I really hope you can get enough signatures in time, but you're probably going to need some help to get that many. How about we recruit some other kids to help? I can probably get my family to sign it." Gary smiled. Kyle smiled as well,

"Really? Good idea, dude. Clyde and Jimmy already told me at lunch they'd try to help me around, and that Dogpoo kid agreed to help, too, he seems to know everybody." Kyle nodded, "Anyone else you know who can help, dude?"

"Oh yeah, I know the perfect person to spread the news around, don't worry a thing, Kyle." Gary smiled, "Just photocopy the list and drop it off at my house later, okay? And I'll handle it from there. Oh, and give Clyde and Jimmy copies so nobody gets duplicates."

"Thanks, Gary... wow, you're actually a really cool kid, you know that?" Kyle smiled, "See you later!" he called as Gary nodded and began walking home, while Kyle sped off to see who else he could grab before everyone went home for the day.

xXx

"Well, well, well, you greedy American corporate slimeballs have come all the way to Canada to speak with me. It's been a long time." came a confident voice. He dipped a frosted donut with sprinkles into his coffee, then took a bite, his feet on his desk, not a care in the world in his look or voice, "What do you want?"

"Look, sir, you're in charge of the Studio, and we know Terrance & Phillip is going off-air after the next episode and we were really hoping you'd help us out and un-cancel the show." Stan said, sitting across from the Canadian man behind the desk.

"Un-cancel it? You? Why should I do anything for you greedy bastards? All you Americans want is for your big, royal empire to rule the world, and you want to go after Canada next. You think we don't know? We Canadians have known of your plans for decades. And we're sick of being abused - one day, Canada will be a world power and you Americans will grovel at our knees!"

"Uhhh, no, we don't want to take over Canada, we just want our TV show back on the air, sir." Stan replied simply, annoyed with the man's behavior, "I mean you own the Studio, you can tell them what to do can't you?"

"Me? Tell Terrance and Phillip what to do? I don't think you understand, kid. Terrance and Phillip are the heart of the Canadian economy. Nobody owns them - they call the shots creatively. We can't even censor them anymore. After the 200th episode, did you see the riots? If they want to end the show, it's their decision, not mine. Because trust me, I'd have ended the show the moment I entered this office if I could have. I hate Terrance and Phillip more than most Canadians do."

"We understand, Mr. Abootman, but please, we need this show back. This has been a big part of our lives. Some of us have grown up with this show." Stan looked toward Cartman and Butters, "Some of us just need it to unwind after work..." he motioned toward Mr. Johnson and Mr. Lu Kim, "Some of us just understand it's important to a lot of people." he nodded to Ike, "And some of us... some of us are just kind of creepy." Bebe waved.

Stephen Abootman narrowed his eyes as he took another donut, "Look, you want to see your gay little show back, go talk to Terrance and Phillip, kids. You've come this far, a little extra walking'll do you slimy Americans some good. Maybe now you won't be so fat, eh?"

"What!?" Cartman said angrily, moving Stan out of the way and taking the chair, "I will have you know sir, that I am not fat, I am big boned! Do you understand me?"

"Eric, be careful, that Mr. Abootman guy is kinda scary..." Butters pounded his little fists together, "I don't think he's dangerous but jeez Eric, if you're gonna get hurt I'd rather it be fat-"

"Shut up Butters, goddamn, was I talking to you?" Cartman yelled, turning back to Mr. Abootman, "Fine then. We'll go see Terrance and Phillip and you bet your sqwah Canadian ass that we will get the show un-cancelled if my name is not Eric Theodore Cartman!" Cartman hopped down and ran out, the others following.

"...well, at least it's better than being stuck on an iceberg in Newfoundland." shrugged Abootman as he sat back and took a sip of his coffee.

xXx

Kyle never thought he would willingly seek out Goth Kids, but here he was walking behind the school inhaling toxic smoke fumes. He let out a cough as he saw four figures in the smoke, "Oh no, another conformist has come to join us, huh?" came the voice of the Tall Goth, Michael, taking a long drag from his cigarette, "They think they can just walk in and out of our lives at will. Just like my mother."

"Conformist nazi cheerleader." Kindergoth, Firkle, took a long drag from his own cigarette, "What do you want?" he asked.

"Oh! I was hoping you guys would help sign my petition to bring Terrance and Phillip back on the air. I know I don't really talk to you much but it really means a lot to me." Kyle held out a pen and the petition. They each rolled their eyes in turn.

Henrietta rolled her eyes and looked toward her fellow Goths, "Pagan, Sparrow, Razor, can you believe this conformist douche thinks we care how important it is to him?" Apparenty, like Stan had assumed the name of Raven, all of the Goths had assumed special Goth titles.

"I know, Wednesday, it's just fucking sad. Why don't you go back to watching your Disney Channel crap instead of bothering us, loser?" replied Pagan, the Tall Goth. "God, you're worse than my sister, stupid bitch never shuts up about the fucking Jonas Brothers..."

"Yeah, Pagan's right, you're annoying." Sparrow flicked hair out of his face, "Why don't you go ask the other Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears wannabes for fucking signatures, huh? We have better things to do like listen to death metal music and perform Satanic rituals and shit."

"Yeah, go back to all your friends, poser." Wednesday replied, taking a long drag from her cigarette as well. Why did conformists always have to bother them? Can't people just leave them to be miserable? Fucking posers. Another drag.

"And what continue worship that lousy Cthulhu for the rest of your lives?" Kyle said, narrowing his eyes, getting annoyed with their attitudes, "Look guys, I have no issue with your vampire, emo or whatever lifestyle, I just want your help with something, okay?"

"You did not just fucking call us Vampires." Once again, Sparrow found himself flicking hair out from the front of his face, "Can you guys believe this conformist prick?" he turned to his friends, then looked at Kyle "God, get out of our hangout!" he said, flicking hair from his face again. He really wanted to just go to Benny's or the Village Inn and get some coffee. Stupid Justin Bieber wannabe.

Pagan stepped forward, putting down his cane and looking to his friends, if one could use that term to describe the miserable companianship the Goth children shared, "Imagine it though... if Terrance & Phillip disappear the Disney Channel wins again..." he said quietly before taking a long drag.

"He's right." came Razor, going up to Kyle and quickly signing the petition. If he had to sit through one more episode of fucking Sonny With a Chance he might really kill himself. Sparrow and Wednesday looked at each other as Pagan stepped forward and took the paper. "Go on."

"You think just because you bought out Marvel you're invincible Disney Channel, but fuck you. This is for the fucking Marvel Civil War you sons of bitches." Pagan signed it angrily, writing Michael Andrews in curly black cursive handwriting below Razor's name, completely ignoring the fact the Civil War was before Disney's acquisition. Pagan and Razor looked back, but Sparrow and Henrietta both seemed apprehensive about their situation. "Aren't you going to sign it?"

"Yeah, fine..." Sparrow flicked hair out of his eyes, stepped forward and wrote up his name as well, "Let's hope his works. I'd rather watch two Canadians fart for half an hour then thirty minutes of that bitch Selena Gomez oinkin' around with a magic wand." he said. Wednesday still looked troubled, "Come on, just sign it already."

"Okay, okay..." Henrietta said, mumbling something virtually inaudible as she signed her own name before giving the paper to Kyle, "Now get the fuck out of here you stupid... uh... Leonardo DiCaprio wannabe! Go back to... solving... dreams within dreams and... stuff!" Henrietta said, spitting. Kyle shrugged, just happy he got his signatures and skipping off straight-ly.

"...well, he's not the least pleasant poser to come back here and bother us." pointed out Sparrow, flicking the hair out of his face. His fellow Goths looked at him oddly as Sparrow took a long drag, "What?"

"Dude, don't get all faggy on us." Pagan replied, pointing his cane toward Sparrow with a look of dicipline, the kind the leader of a pack of wolves would give to one of his followers. Sparrow didn't like that look one bit.

"I'm not, God, you sound just like my father." Sparrow said, rolling his eyes, taking a drag "...my cig's dead. Anyone got a light?"

xXx

"Dammit Celine, you need to understand, I can't live without you!" Ugly Bob said, in his usual 'b' shirt with a coat over it and his trademark paper bag, arms crossed, the singer feet behind him. Celine Dion looked down, "You're the only woman I've ever cared aboot, even if you are my friend's ex-wife."

"I'm not your friend, buddeh!" piped in Terrance, entering into the doorway with a look of rage, "What the hell do you think you're doing to my ex-wife, buddeh? I'm gettin' pretty sick of you, Bob! Nobody likes you! You're ugly and you smell!"

"Eh, I'm not you buddeh, guy!" Ugly Bob said, eyes narrowing as he approached Terrance before seemingly returning to normal, "What are you doing here, Terrance? I need to speak with Celine, alone. You can keep Sally. I just want Celine, Terrance."

"Cut!" came the angry voice of Phillip Argyle, walking up on to the set in a beret and holding a script, "What was that? Terrance, you messed up your lines again!" he said, "I stayed up all week writing the lines for this episode, it has to be perfect, okay? I am not losing this episode. I was up til seven in the morning on Wednesday writing this, and we started rolling at nine in the morning Thursday!"

"Stop right there, Terrance and Phillip!" Phillip, Terrance, Ugly Bob, Celine Dion, Sally Dion, and the Queef Sisters turned around to face Cartman, Stan, Bebe, Tuong Lu Kim, and Johnson. Cartman stood front and center, "This show isn't going goddamn anywhere! Don't try calling your security guards, we have them distracted."

xXx

"Uhhh... oh darn how did it go again..." Butters Stotch said, trying to remember what his good buddy Eric told him, "Oh, right... uhh, I will do the German dance for you it's fun and gay and tra-la-la, hope you will enjoy my dance, feedly-I, feedly-I, eh!" he skipped merrily along. "Uh come on, everybody now!" he said, smiling The security guards gathered around. "Would you like some sauwer kraut-" Butters began, raising his arms as the guards joined hands and sang along, "German boy! German boy!" Butters motioned to Ike.

"Yes, I'd like some sauwer kraut, boy I'm hungry!"

xXx

"Dammit, a bunch of kids got in? The fuck?" Phillip said, looking to his co-stars, "Look kids, you have to understand it, we've been working on Terrance & Phillip for fifteen years. Do you know what that's like? Building your entire life around a TV show? I'm almost forty-two years old! I was twenty-seven when we began making these! Terrance and Katie have children, not to mention poor Sally keeps getting kidnapped by Iraqis."

"But we love your show! What will we do on Wednesday nights from now on without a nightly dose of clever satire? When I was a boy I'd watch your show all the time, and it... helped me make sense of the world in a way no person could. It helped me understand all those big words and current events. I've been watching Terrance & Phillip since it began in August 1997..."

"Welcome to our world." Katherine Queef rolled her eyes as she filed her nails sitting in a chair while her husband and family filmed their episode. She had been watching it for the same period of time and look at her now - she and her sister could support their own show, not to mention were married to Terrance and Phillip themselves.

"Look kids, we can't keep doing this much longer. I mean don't you realize... it's just the same shit over and over, and then in a week it just all resets until it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way, but it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous." Terrance explained, looking to Phillip, "We're getting older, boys. We've finished over half our lives now. I have a wife and children, a family to spend time with." Katie put a hand on her husband's shoulder, "I can't just sit on my ass here and keep working on a show I don't even like anymore."

"Kids, you have to accept we've grown up. We can't just make jokes about Saddam Hussein and farts and stuff every week for the rest of our lives." Phillip said, "We wish we could continue but... I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left, and I want to enjoy it." he explained, turning away. The group looked around at each other. "I can't fake it anymore."

"I... never rearry tought of it that ray..." Tuong Lu Kim said, looking both ways, "Aw crap, we should get back to the hericopter, kids..." he sighed. Stan, Cartman and Bebe looked up. But they had come this far, they couldn't give up now...

"People grow older, kids. People grow apart." Phillip sighed. There was suddenly a loud ringing and there were glares as Stan checked his phone to see a text from Kyle: dude i have 96 signatures u think that's enough? Stan sighed and texted back: no. it has to end. Stan stepped forward and drew his breath,

"You know what? I learned something today. Sure, maybe our favorite TV show is coming to an end. But maybe... maybe we just need to accept that fact and instead of wallowing in pity and worrying about the show reaching it's final episodes, we should be celebrating it. We should be enjoying what's left of the end and remember all the great times we shared with it instead of just hoping it's all a lie that it's ending. Nothing lasts forever, you know, all good things must come to an end... we should be glad the show's at least going out with a bang."

"...yeah, Stan's right. I'm sorry Terrance and Phillip for breaking into your studio to get your show back on the air." Cartman sighed, pushing Bebe forward, who glared. "Come on bitch, you have to apologize to!" Bebe crossed her arms, "Bitch, say you're fuckin' sorry."

"...I'm sorry Terrance and Phillip." Bebe asked smirking when Cartman smacked her over the head, "Ow! That fucking hurt, Cartman!" Bebe said grabbing Cartman's cap and tearing at his hair as he grabbed her and tossed her away.

"Fuck you Bebe, you're a stupid bitch." Cartman rolled his eyes and turned away, "All right, assholes, looks like we're heading back out."

xXx

"Now Scott, I think we've made a lot of progress, m'kay. Now you understand if you keep being a Giant Dick, people will keep treating you like one, but I think if you be nicer to people, in time they'll stop calling you Scott the Giant Dick, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey smiled, patting Scott, who stood up. "I think this was a success, m'kay. Now to go get Terrance and Phillip un-cancelled-" Cartman stood there,

"Mackey! There you are! It's off. We're going home. City Wok Guy is giving us a lift back home on City Airlines. Come on." Cartman motioned for Mackey to follow him. Stan, Butters, Lu Kim, Johnson, Bebe and Ike followed down the path toward the helicopter. Parking it in the middle of Toronto wasn't the best of ideas, but it happened.

"We should meet in a week to discuss the new episode." Stan suggested, "And we can invite Kyle and Kenny, I'm sure they'll be feeling better by then. Kyle texted me earlier, he got ninety-six signatures for people who want Terrance & Phillip back on the air."

"Impressive, Jewboy's learning real people skills." Cartman said as they reached the HeliPad, "Okay Mr. J- Lu Kim, do your stuff." he said as everyone gathered around, and Mr. Lu Kim nodded as he began preparing the helicopter for lift off. "Hm, that's odd, do you guys hear something?" they all turned around to see a Canadian man in a trenchcoat and a paper bag approach,

"Hey fellas, look, you're going to America, right? I want to come with you. I'm sick of Canada. Everyone here hates me because I'm hideously ugly, at least down in America, people just think I look Canadian. I've filmed my last scenes for those guys. Please let me come with you!" Ugly Bob begged.

"...ugh, Mr. Lu Kim do we have room for another passenger?"

"Wew, we arready hava poofbaw kid in big-head man's rap, and bronde kid in aides man's rap, and then-a you and-a Canadian boy in girl's rap, so if-a Canadian boy sits rith aides man and you and-a girl sit rith Ugry Bob I think we can-a make this work."

xXx

Every week the kids rotated their viewing parties between Cartman's, Kyle's and Stan's homes - Kenny was too poor and if Butters used the living room TV he would be grounded. So the kids gathered on Stan's couch with popcorn and soda for the final episode of the show they'd seen their whole lives. Stan had explained to their parents why this night was so important, and Sharon, being the doting and understanding mother she is, took care of everything: Randy and Grampa were at a baseball game and Shelly was at a friend's house.

For the occasion, they'd chosen to dress up in costumes - Stan put on his red Terrance shirt and his black hair was fine for the role - a simple costume. Kyle couldn't cut his hair, so he tied some yellow fuzz on top of his hat and put on his blue Phillip shirt. He wasn't quite satisfied but anything more and he'd be in deep shit. Kenny borrowed one of his father's coats, one of Kyle's Ugly Bob shirts and a paper bag to cover his face. Cartman used a bald cap and a brown Scott shirt with a red tie to achieve Scott the Giant Dick's look (and as Kyle claimed he was fat enough to pass for 'giant') and finally Butters bought a plastic Saddam mask at the dollar store.

"I can't believe you guys went all the way to Terrance and Phillip themselves just for me..." Kyle said quietly, "We can't force them to keep going but hey, I'm sure this episode'll be a hit. Number fifteen-fourteen... just a few minutes left. And then we never do this again..." Kyle let out a small sigh.

"We can still do it every now and then and just, you know, watch DVD's or something. Just 'cuz the show's over doesn't mean we can't rewatch the old stuff and appreciate it for what it was. You know, nostalgia and all that stuff." Stan said.

"Hey Kyle... Kyle..." Cartman nudged him, Kyle looked to Cartman, "Kyle, I... I just want you to know... umm..." Cartman laughed, "Okay no, seriously though - how do you know if a Jew lives next door?" Kyle raised an eyebrow, "There's used toliet paper drying on the laundry line." Cartman's belching laugh was silenced by a slap to the face by Kyle, who glared, "I'm glad you're back to normal, Jewboy."

"Eric, I don't understand, w-why would a Jewish person put toliet paper out to dry? I-I mean if it's used then it's got poo smeared all over it and it's all smelly and golly, that'd be kind of disgusting..." Butters pounded his little fists together, confused.

"Shut up Butters." Cartman said, rolling his eyes at the blonde's stupidity. He made a hell of a good lackey for Cartman's weekly get-rich-quick schemes but Butters wasn't useful for much else. Cartman opened his mouth to speak but Kenny rose,

"It's starting!" came his unmuffled, high-pitched voice. Kenny pointed toward the screen as the kids all looked forward...

xXx

"Phillip... you have cancer?" Terrance said in astonishment, "That reminds me of a joke! Say, Phillip?" there was a pause, "Say Phillip? Phillip?"

"I can't do this anymore, Terrance. This cancer prevents me from ever farting again. And now because of this, I can't even find fart jokes funny anymore. Look Terrance..." Phillip took his friend aside, "Take Sally with you and Katie. You need to spend time with you family. Let Celine go. Appreciate your family while you have it..."

"I don't know what you're talking aboot Phillip, everything's fine. We'll sign you up for chemotherapy." Terrance let loose a fart, "Hahaha!" Phillip did not laugh, "Wow Phillip, you're a real buzzkill now. Can't you at least pretend to find it funny?"

"I can't do this anymore, Terrance, don't you understand? How can I find fart jokes funny if I can't fart? The methane buildup in my ass from the tumor is going to kill me in a mere week! I'm unhappy! I'm going to die and I can't even enjoy my last seven days! Can't you understand? The thing that brought us together is dead to me!"

"...fart jokes are dead to you...?" Terrance said, stepping forward, "Phillip, you're starting to sound like Scott... oh no, you... you've got something far worse than cancer my friend." Phillip raised an eyebrow, "I think... I think you're starting to become a dick."

"Fuck you, no I'm not!" Phillip yelled before covering his mouth, "Oh no..." Phillip turned around, "This can't be happening! Terrance, I-" Phillip's eyes widened as he looked to see Terrance, but he didn't see Terrance. All he saw was a giant tumor, "No... the cancer... Terrance? Terrance!? Where are you? All I see is... Terrance, is that giant tumor you?"

"Oh no, I've heard of this. You're one of those patients who gets so worried all you can think of is the cancer and stop thinking about everything else! You're becoming a dick, Phillip! A colossal, cancer-infected dick!" Terrance backed away in fear, leaving, "Goodbye, Phillip! Take your cancer somewhere else!"

"I can't watch. I'm going home!" Celine Dion suddenly said, taking her daughter's hand and leaving, "If you want to see me or your daughter Terrance, you'll have to come to my house!" Celine left the hospital, Terrance looking back. Ugly Bob got up and left as well. Terrance, Phillip and their wives were now alone.

"Phillip, please, it's going to be okay!" Katherine pleaded, but he looked away, pushing her away from him, "Phillip, look at me! I'm your wife! I love you!"

"I can't. Everywhere I see it's just... cancer. I can't stop thinking about it. Terrance is cancer, you're cancer, even my feet are giant tumors off of an even bigger tumor! I can't live like this! I can't spend the rest of my life dying!"

"I can't spend the rest of my life dying, either... " Katherine said, "Look Phillip, I love you, I really do, but I can't stand to see you like this. Look, we can try chemo. And even if you lose all your hair, we can buy you some time. And if it does work you can fart in Scott's face. How's that sound?" There was a loud quiff. "Oh, I queefed!"

"Just now?" Katherine nodded to her husband, "Awh, sick!"

xXx

"Sally, why don't you upstairs and play with your blocks?" Celine said as Sally nodded and dashed upstairs. The singer sighed - despite her wealth and fame, she couldn't buy back her family and happiness. She heard a knock and got up and answered the door to see Ugly Bob in his usual 'b' shirt with a coat over it and his trademark paper bag. "Ugly Bob?"

"Hello Celine. Can I speak with you?" Bob asked quietly. Celine sighed and allowed him in, Bob sitting down on the couch as Celine closed the door. She went over and sat next to him, "Look Celine, I've been meaning to talk to you for a long time. I know we haven't seen each other since the abortion..."

"Don't mention that!" Celine said defensively, rising up. "Look Ugly Bob, we had one special night together but I don't really like you, like that, all right? You lied to me and told me you were handsome."

"Dammit Celine, you need to understand, I can't live without you!" Ugly Bob said, rising and crossing his arms. Celine looked down, "You're the only woman I've ever cared aboot, even if you are my friend's ex-wife."

"I'm not your friend, buddeh!" piped in Terrance, entering into the doorway with a look of rage, "What the hell do you think you're doing to my ex-wife, buddeh? Because I'm not gettin' with her so quick you think you're gonna take her, eh? I'm gettin' pretty sick of you, Bob! Nobody likes you! You're ugly and you smell!"

"Eh, I'm not you buddeh, guy!" Ugly Bob said, eyes narrowing as he approached Terrance before seemingly returning to normal, "What are you doing here, Terrance? I need to speak with Celine, alone. You can keep Sally. I just want Celine, Terrance." Bob pleaded but Terrance glared back.

"No, Ugly Bob. Celine doesn't want to be with you! Leave her alone!" Terrance said, looking toward him, "If you don't leave here within five minutes, I'll personally kick you out. Go home and eat some kroff dinner or something you ugly son of a bitch!" Terrance said before farting loudly and giggling with Bob and Celine at how incredibly hilarious and random that fart was.

"Fine. You won't have ol' Ugly Bob to kick around anymore..." Ugly Bob sighed as he left, Terrance closing the door and turning to Celine. Celine sighed, feeling bad for Ugly Bob - he truly loved her, it wasn't fair was it? But she could not return that love - he had to go.

"Celine, look, I love Sally, but I can't get back together with you. I'm in love with Katie now. We had our time together and it was great but... that part of my life is over. Look, I'm going to be straightforward. I want custody of Sally. I want me and Katie to be her legal guardians." Terrance asked quietly, hands on the table.

"Terrance... you know I can't agree to that." Celine said, a serious tone in her otherwise high-pitched voice, "Sally needs your love and support but I can't let her go. She's still my daughter, Terrance. I can't just abandon her like that."

"Well then... I'll be seeing you in court." Terrance rose up, "If you won't hand over Sally fair and square, me and Katie will take your issue with it! We're both rich families so it's not like anyone's going to lose a whole lot of money over it. Good night, woman!" Terrance left, and Celine put her face down and cried erratically.

xXx

"What a mess our lives turned out to be..."

Phillip stood in a hospital gown within a hallway, and sighed and entered the door with 'CHEMOTHERAPY' written on it, the door closing behind him.

"It was, at it's best when you and I were only three..""

Outside of Terrance and Phillip's rather large house, Terrance left the door with a fedora on, a trenchcoat and two suitcases, followed by his wife Katie who wore a similar outfit. They both walked toward the garage, which begins to open, showing off Terrance and Phillip's identical, square-wheeled cars.

"We can start with all the things that turn us out"

Ugly Bob finished writing on his paper bag ('Dear World, I'm sorry my ugliness has caused so much suffering. - Bob') and then took it off, revealing a noose around his neck as he then closes his eyes and raised his foot to kick the stool away.

"And we can go right down the list and throw them out"

A Canadian Judge banged his gavel, with Terrance and Celine in the stands of the court room. Terrance rose and cheered while Celine burst out crying, reaching toward Terrance and being held back by Frank and Doug the security guards

"Can we start start over?"

Phillip stood in his house holding a letter, looking in shock to see - CANCER: NEGATIVE.

"Can we start start over?"

Terrance and Scott the Giant Dick sat on the tundra behind a fort built of snow, tossing snowballs at eskimos when they turn and look at each other, then resume tossing their snowballs.

"It's all over."

A framed picture of 'Ugly Bob' appeared over a casket as a crowd including Terrance, Katie, Sally, Scott the Giant Dick, Phillip, Katherine, Celine Dion, the Prince and Princess of Canada, and Ike Broflovski. The Princess and Celine both bawled, but everyone else seemed fairly apathetic.

"It's all over."

Phillip and Katherine looked at each other in what appeared to be a legal office. Phillip glanced at Katherine, who to him seems to be just a giant tumor. He sighed and signs a paper with 'DIVORCE PAPERS' written at top.

xXx

As 'The End' flashed on the screen, the five boys looked at each other, "...that was..." Kyle began, trying to put his thoughts into the best possible words. It was hard to describe the shocking end to the episode he'd just viewed. "That was..."

"...fucking stupid! That episode sucked! Not only was it nof funny, at all, it was just a bunch of emo crap!" Cartman said angrily, ripping off his bald cap and glaring at the screen, "I can't believe they would air this abominable bullshit! That wasn't Terrance & Phillip! God, they're just fucking begging to be cancelled."

"Yeah, that was stupid, I mean I like how they brought back all the storylines, but they can't end it like that, it's too sad, that's not what Terrance & Phillip is about, it's about the joys of life and optimistic and stuff, not depressed stuff..." Stan explained, Kyle nodding - he was right. It was completely contradictory to the show's message.

Cartman rolled his eyes and hopped down, "Screw you guys, I'm going home." he pointed in the other direction as he began to walk off,

"Haha, you silly American wankers! Did you really think we'd end it like that!?" came a voice from the screen. Cartman turned to look and everyone's attention returned as Terrance and Phillip's heads appeared over the 'The End' lines, "Of course not! We've been pulling your legs! There's two more seasons left, this was just a big old joke. We love Terrance & Phillip! We're not going anywhere! Those last two episodes didn't even happen!" Fart. "Hahahaha!"

Kyle smirked and rose up cheering, knocking the popcorn bowl over and getting popcorn everywhere, "Woohoo! Hell yeah! Two more years! Twenty-eight more episodes!" Kyle cheered happily, jumping on the couch as Kenny and Stan hopped down.

"Kyle, you fucking gay piece of shit." Cartman said as he walked off, "See you guys at Stan's party next week." he said as he left, this clearly a waste of his valuable time. Kyle would normally glare but he was too busy partying his ass off.

"I'm gonna go home, too." Butters said, taking off the Saddam mask and coughing, "That sure was a w-w-weird episode, huh fellas? Yeah, I'm going home, too, my dad's probably waiting to beat me for being l-l-l-late home. You coming, Kenny?"

"Yeah. Misfits is on." Kenny said, following Butters, but not removing his costume like the other's. He waved off to Kyle as he walked out, more concerned with his new television show than whatever his friend was feeling. Stan looked at Kyle and raised an eyebrow,

"Well, I guess there's only one thing to do, Stan." Kyle took the plastic Phillip hair off his hat and looked at Stan with his 'idea face'. Stan raised an eyebrow.

xXx

Kyle sat at Stan's computer desk and with lightening speed typed up the URL he was looking for. Stan stood next to him, "Dude, you type fast, did you like, win a typing competition or something? That's insane, dude." Stan said in disbelief as Kyle began typing furiously. "Awh, what are you doing man?" Stan said looking at the screen to see the Official Terrance & Phillip message board. " Awh dammit! Come on dude, it's late, you better get home before your mom grounds you. Don't forget my party, dude." Stan said.

"Yeah, hold on." Kyle finished, clicked the mouse and hopped down, "Sorry, I always post my thoughts on a new episode on the forum before I do anything." he explained, "See you at the party." Kyle added as he left Stan's bedroom door.

 **The End**


	11. (Clip) Stan Breaks Up with Wendy

_A/N:_ Okay, it's been a while. I've been busy as ever and became a little embarrassed to revisit this due to bungling the previous uploads. I'm planning to go back and edit everything to look nicer again soon, and with commentary/self-reflection for each fic. This and the following chapters will be closer to the final format, but I probably won't go back and do the commentary until after completing my other projects.

This is something a little different. This is a 'clip' from a fanfic that was never intended to be canonical to this fanfiction series, but was written in the same style, set after the events of " _You're Getting Old_ ", before the second part aired. The rest of the fanfic is uploaded separately, but this clip is necessary because I ultimately ran with the development here.

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"The Former Life of Stan"**

 **(Clip)**

by John

(Originally Posted August 2011)

Stan continued walking when again he was stopped, this time by Wendy. "Where have you been all day, Stan? I've been getting really worried about you..." she confessed. Stan glared,

"Leave me alone, Wendy." he told her angrily, closing his eyes, then trying to walk off but her stepping in front of him.

"Stan, please tell me what's wrong, you're not acting like yourself."

"Wendy, look..." Stan sighed, "I think... I think we need to see other people." he told the Wendy-shaped pile of shit in front of him.

"Wh-what?" Wendy's eyes widened, looking like she'd been kicked, "Are... are you...?"

"Yes, Wendy, I'm breaking up with YOU. I've had enough. Goodbye." Stan turned and kept walking even as she protested.

"Stan, wait-"

"No." Stan turned, "I'm sick of waiting - face it Wendy, I'm through with you. I mean, we're ten years old, clearly the fact we're that young means we don't care about each other at all."

"Is... is that what this is really about?" Wendy said, tearing up but scowling, "You're such a child sometimes, Stan. You turned ten and now you feel old, so you're pushing away everything you used to love to make yourself seem older. You're getting old Stan, but you're still young." Wendy told him, sighing, "Look... it was fun while it lasted." she kissed him on the cheek and left.

 **The End**

 _A/N:_ There we go.

 **Commentary:** It's no secret that I'm actually rather devoted to Stan and Wendy's romantic relationship, but the particular reason this development stuck was because of a South Park Studios thread where various users argued about whether the relationship should be the focus of future episodes. A particularly common refrain was that they were only children or didn't spend enough time together, which I saw, personally, as a sign of their strength, and somewhat of the show's focus on zaniness. There was a further point that stories often depicted Stan as sort of stuck around Wendy's finger, which I also disliked. The fic set up the conflict somewhat naturally, though it as forced on Kyle's involvement.

By the time I reached " _The Girl Who Loved Cartman_ ", however, which opened with most of the girls together, I decided it would be interesting to have Wendy still reeling emotionally from the breakup, subverting her traditional role as the wise and calm leader of the girls, so I used this scene as a place to kickstart a deconstruction and eventual reconstruction of Stan and Wendy's relationship, breaking away those tropes I so disliked, and showcasing how Wendy could be affected by Stan breaking up with her, and gradually exploring what made their relationship strong in the first place. I also wanted, slightly, to reinforce that Wendy, despite her maturity, is still a young girl in the same way that no matter how kind and smart Stan and Kyle can be, they're still little boys.

In real life, the season 18 episode " _Gluten Free Ebola_ " featured Stan briefly and casually (off-screen) breaking up with Wendy, which kind of proved my latter point nicely, although Wendy deals with it like a champ.


	12. Shark Zone

_A/N:_ Yes, this was my attempt at a Kids as Kids fic with Craig and Those Guys in the starring role.

 **Synopsis:** Stark's Pond isn't safe. Reports are surfacing all over town of strange activity and mysterious deaths in Stark's Pond. Craig and Those Guys decide to investigate when they discover a lead. Meanwhile, Kevin Stoley must defend his best friend's honor.

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"Shark Zone"**

 **(Season 1, Episode 7)**

by John

(Originally Posted October 31st, 2011)

It was quite evening at Stark's Pond, not too unlike any other. The quiet, reflective waters of Stark's were rarely disturbed at night. Today, however, was not a normal night. Two young, pretty seventeen-year-old girls approached the lake: one with wavy blonde hair, purple lipstick and wearing a black 'DVDA' T-shirt and jeans with a belt, and the other with black hair, freckles, and wearing a brown jacket over a green top and shorts.

"Should we go skinny-dipping, Tara?" asked the black-haired girl excitedly as they reached the edge of the forbidding lake.

"Awh, sick, I don't want to see you naked!" the blonde, Tara covered her mouth in disgust as her friend rolled her eyes and took off her jacket, She took off her top and shorts, jumping in the water in her underwear, making quite a show of it. Tara rolled her eyes in irritation at how pretty her friend thought she was.

"Come on Tara, the water's great!" insisted the brunette as she swam on her back in the water. Tara removed her belt and let her baggy jeans slip to the ground - she knew this spot and had actually been smart enough to wear a bikini underneath. Before she removed her shirt, her friend disappeared beneath the water.

"Shannon?" There was a pause, Tara crossing her arms, bubbles rising in Shannon's place, "Very funny, Shannon, you dyke, trying to play one of your tricks? I'm not showing you my boobs." No more bubbles. The water was calm, "Shannon, it's not funny..." Tara leaned down to look in the water off the bank, unwilling to step in now. "Shannon?" And that's when Tara saw a fin move quickly through the water and go as soon as it had came.

"Shark!" she yelped as she ran from the bank of Stark's Pond, "Help! Police!" she said, taking out her cell phone, "Shit! What's the number for 9-1-1 again?" After a moment of contemplation, she slapped herself and dialled the number, "Hello? Is this 9-1-1? What do you mean wrong number?" She hung up, and then began redialling, "Hello, 9-1-1? Oh phew... my best friend Shannon just got attacked! Stark's Pond. Yes, I know it's late for a girl my age to be- no, we were not lesbians... well okay, Shannon kinda was but- it was a shark, dumbass!"

xXx

"Red Racer will be back right after these messages..."

Craig Tucker rested his cheek on his head. He was so sick of commercials over his favorite TV show. Godammit can't they just let Red Racer cross the finish line already? He always won - that's why Craig loved the show. Nice and predictable. And predictable is quite close to normal, after all. Suddenly he felt the annoying, consistent tap to his arm become more rapid, and turned to see an eager Clyde Donovan, his best friend, "Craig. Craig. Watch. I love this commercial."

"Clyde, shut the hell up." Craig said simply before yawning. Despite their close friendship, Clyde was far more of an annoyance to Craig - usually bothering him over something pointless like tacoes, Warcraft, lice, or worst, the actual ARTICLES in Playboy. Despite this, Clyde usually found himself hanging around Craig and vice versa, and Clyde was a staple of Craig's group when he wasn't off with his girlfriend. Clyde had no issue with Bebe dating him despite Craig's reminders all she cared about was shoes and did not wish to allow Clyde to touch her boobs. "Jimmy, it's your turn to check on my dumb sister."

Jimmy, now there's someone Craig liked. Jimmy was plain - he told jokes, he was fairly nice, he wasn't a total pussy, and he was no longer a virgin. But there wasn't much to say about Jimmy, and that's what Craig liked. Token was similar - he was quiet, if kind of a smartass, and he was rich. Both of them were also eager for acceptance from their peers, a desire Craig's gang had appealed to. Soon the four had been solidified in the same way Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny were forever bound together. "All right, on it." Jimmy moved out toward Ruby Tucker's bedroom.

And then there was a frantic knocking at the door. Craig got up and answered it - his parents were probably back from the market. About freakin' time - he'd been waiting over an hour. But he opened the door instead to see Tweek Tweak, pulling his messy blonde hair, "Craig, you won't believe what I saw on the news!" Tweek annoyed Craig to no end, but his desire for friendship after he was kicked out by Cartman, Stan and Kyle caused him to end up apart of their group. Despite being cast away, he came back. As much as Tweek annoyed Craig, an endless supply of coffee, and the eye candy of Tweek's mother, allowed Craig to keep Tweek in the loop, if barely so, "Augh! Jesus just let me in, man!" Tweek burst in.

"Tweek, calm down bro." Token said with surprise - Tweek was shaking even more so than usual as he went in front of the TV, looking around, nervous to tell his friends the unbelievable rumor he had heard. They sat on the couch, Craig holding the remote apathetically, "Just calmly tell us what happened.." Token said.

Tweek twitched as he spoke, "Gah! So these two girls were down by Stark's Pond and a shark attacked them and he ate one of them and why do they call it Stark's Pond anyway, is it named after Tony Stark or something? Augh, it's just like that movie! One of our girlfriends is going to have rape fantasies about her ex-boyfriend's brother and we're all going to be on a boat and this just happened like three fics ago and Jesus Christ!"

Clyde got up and put a hand on his friend's shoulder, Tweek's blue eyes searching the room as he twitched, "Tweek, calm down! That's impossible, there's no freshwater sharks in Colorado!" Clyde explained, hoping to reassure Tweek, but he movoed away nervously.

"You're w-wrong, Clyde. There is... one." Jimmy stepped forward, returning from checking Ruby's room, the others facing him as Jimmy relived the memory, "B-Back when I went to cr-cr-cripple camp, my friend Nathan was r-r-rah r-r-rah r-r-r-rah raped by a Lake T-Tardicaca Shark. I bet it's one of them in Stark's P-P-P-Pah, Stark's P-P-Pah, Stark's P-Pond."

"Sharks in Colorado. Oh boy. Another idea to do something stupid that can't possibly backfire. Bravo guys. Now can you move out of the way so I can finish Red Racer?" Craig said quietly, raising the remote. The others exchanged looks and reluctantly moved back to the couch, aside Tweek, who sat on the floor, twitching.

"We interrupt Red Racer for an important news bulletin!" Craig's jaw dropped as the screen switched to South Park's latest of several news anchors - with Tom Pusslicker and Chris Swollenballs out of commission, Tom Knickersniffer took the town by storm, "A local girl, age seventeen, Shannon McDonald, was killed at Stark's Pond this morning while skinny-dipping with a friend. The South Park Police is investigating the case while the Park County Police focus on the Jigsaw Killer case..." he cut to Officer Barbrady sitting at the Police Station. (OFFICER BARBRADY: South Park Chief-of-Police)

"Huh? What?"

"A family member of the victim released this press statement:" Knickersniffer read off a piece of paper, "Hahaha, that is gay."

"See?" Tweek said, twitching sharply, "Augh! I told you guys! You didn't believe me but I told you!" he began pulling blonde hair out of his head but Clyde put a hand on his shoulder and shot him a look and Tweek stopped, looked around and finally ended the ritual. "Must... remember... happy... place..."

"Therapy's doing wonders for him." Clyde said like a proud parent, "Shit Craig, looks like we missed the ending of Red Racer. Sucks, huh? You finally missed one- oh, hey look your parents are driving up." Clyde looked out the window. Craig flipped Clyde off, with emotion, got up and opened the door to see Thomas and Emily "Emma" Tucker, both carrying grocery bags and looking down.

"Craig, it's so nice to see you, sweetie... take some bags to the table already!" she dumped two bags into Craig's arm and returned to the car to get more, flipping her son off. An angry Craig proceeded to do the same thing back as he carried them in while his friends sat idly by and watched more television.

"Aren't you going to go help your mother?" Clyde asked quietly. Craig flipped him off, "Hey, don't flip me off, Craig!" Craig did it again, and then Clyde burst out crying.

"Pussy." Craig rolled his eyes.

xXx

Kevin Stoley, Bradley Biggle, Red Tucker and Annie Polk were in Red's room, having a quiet afternoon to themselves. Kevin and Bradley were duelling lightsabers while Red did Annie's toenails. Somehow, this all worked out fine - Annie didn't have to be a Jedi, Red got to enjoy the company of both Jedi and women, and the Jedi didn't have to paint anyone's toenails but their own. Of course, all this was interrupted by a noise through the door:

"There you are Skeeter!" came the voice of Red's mother, hoarse and rather deep by female standards, though still womanly, "Where've you been today? I need your help with dinner!"

"I'm tired, okay!" Skeeter's voice came, "Can't you just do it yourself?"

"You never help out around the house, Skeeter, you expect me to do everything yourself! Well, guess what? I'm not your slave!"

"I had a rough day at work! These stupid ten-year-olds tried to get into the bar again and I got fired for takin' my job too seriously! They took ma jawb!"

"They dooker der!" Okay, none of the kids recognized that voice.

"Dammit Darryl, I said go home!" Skeeter said angrily. Red sighed.

"Well I spent all day cleaning the house, including beer stains from the last time you got drunk you alcoholic!" Red's mother told him.

"I am not an alcoholic, Helen!" Kevin and Bradley looked at each other, getting a bit scared now, "I work at the bar! What d'you expect me to drink, apple juice?"

"Why did I even say anything? Like you ever listen to me! You don't even care about me! I'm leaving!" There was the sound of a door slamming,

"That's fine! Leave! Like I care! I'll make my own dinner!" Skeeter called out. There was silence. The kids exchanged worried glances when Red's bedroom door open, Skeeter poking his head in, "Any of you kids know the difference between a microwave and an oven?" Annie looked both ways,

"Uhh... the microwave is the smaller one?" she asked, raising an eyebrow, still extremely confused,

"Thanks." Skeeter closed the door, returning to what he was doing. Red sighed and got up, walking away towards the other side of the room. Bradley, Kevin and Annie exchanged nervous looks. Kevin approached her,

"Red, are you okay?" No answer. "Do you need to talk about it?"

"No Kevin, I'm fine, I just- nevermind, okay? I just need to be alone for a minute." Kevin turned and looked back at her,

"Just call me if you need anything." Kevin nodded, going back to the others and sighing, "I'm worried about her." he whispered, putting his hands on his cheeks.

"Me too..." Annie sighed.

xXx

Craig left the bathroom and went to the living room to see his friends gone. Oh, shit, what were they up to now? He went through the hallway and soon spotted them in his bedroom using his computer, "Oh no. What are you assholes looking up?" he asked as he saw Jimmy, Tweek and Token at the foot of the chair, while Clyde maneuvered the computer mouse and keyboard. "Who said you could use my computer?"

"We're doing research on the shark thing, dude." Token explained, turning to face him. Craig liked Token and all, but come fucking on here. "I mean we're all buds here, like you'd mind, right? It's just a news article, it's not like we're looking up porn or anything, right?" Token asked, which Clyde took as a subtle nod to close the PornHub tab. "Find anything?"

"Not much besides the shit they said in the news broadcast." Clyde said simply, "Just that Stark's Pond will not be open to visitors for a week now... crap, not until November 5th?" Clyde frowned, "Dammit, what if I want to go swimming or something? Stupid sharks, ruining all the fun.."

"Augh! Why would you want to go swimming in November?" Tweek asked, twitching. "Hey, what about link!" Tweek pointed, "It says Jaws and three X's."

"I wonder what that means..." Clyde clicked when suddenly noises of moans came, "...holy crap, is that Ms. Cartman?" he asked as the sounds of splashing came.

"Oh, hello there Mr. Quint..." Definitely Liane Cartman. Tweek turned away and covered his eyes, and Clyde covered his mouth. Even Jimmy and Token, who were no strangers to sex, were apalled. "Oh, why lookie what's in this pouch..."

"Click off the shark porn, Clyde, you fucking sicko..." Craig said. Clyde did exactly as commanded as Craig flipped him off, "Okay guys, here's something - look up Red Racer Season 4, Episode 12. I don't care if it's YouTube or MediaFire or ThePirateBay, just download that shit."

"Hey, I found something, it says Red Racer Meets Pink Pussy-"

"Clyde, for the love of all that is g-g-good and h-holy, do not click that l-l-l-l-link." Jimmy said with annoyance. Clyde obeyed, closing the window, before going to Red Racer's official site and loading the streaming episode. Clyde hopped out of the chair,

"Just wait until we tell everyone at school tomorrow." Token grinned, "Maybe we can all come up with an idea to save Stark's Pond! It'll be awesome!" he fist-pumped. He and Clyde then high-fived. Craig got up into his computer chair and looked down at his friends, sighing,

"You guys are a bunch of fucking dorks..."

xXx

Helen Tucker sat at a bench near Stark's Pond, strawberry-blonde hair frazzled, mascara running down her cheeks, a green jacket tight around her. Fuckin' Skeeter... why did she marry that redneck douchebag anyway? All he cared about was himself and his drinking habits! She was just an afterthought... well, she'd make him pay! She'd slip something icky in his food... like pubic hairs, or something! She heard this one kid sells them by the baggie...

She sat at the bank and took off her shoes and socks, letting her toes rest in the cool water surface. Then, the water moved. She swore she saw something move. She got up and approached the lake to see what that slight movement was. Nothing, not a sign of life now. Odd. She shrugged and continued to let her toes rest in the calm water. It was so serene and peaceful...

And then, suddenly, she felt several rows of teeth sink into her foot.

xXx

It was a rather cold morning for Kevin Stoley as he sat in his family's blue dining room for breakfast, spooning cereal into his mouth sleepily. He had just slipped out of his pajamas and into a black T-shirt and his usual dark gray khakis, his sky blue jacket on the chair behind him as he ate quietly. "Morning." he murmured as his father entered the room in his blue pajamas, turning on the television and turning on the coffee maker.

"Morning son." he said, sitting down and looking like a mess, "How'd you sleep?" Kevin sighed, looking down - not well, he'd been tossing and turning all night.

"I'm okay." he sighed, opening his mouth to continue when they were interrupted by the television, where Tom Knickersniffer stood, holding his papers,

"Breaking news South Park, as the South Park Police encircles Stark's Pond this morning. Another person has mysteriously disappeared at the lake, the second in just forty-eight hours. Mrs. Helen Tucker left her home late Tuesday evening and is believed to have been sitting on a bench when she was somehow forced into the lake, as there are signs of a struggle near the shore. We now go live to a Hideously Deformed Man Eating a Popcicle, who is at Stark's Pond as we speak." cut straight to aforementioned reporter,

"Tom, I'm standing here just outside of the yellow police tape Officer Barbrady has placed around the lake to prevent others from going in until the creature is killed, or learns how to walk on land, buys it's own house, and integrates with the community." he said as popcicle dripped from his mouth, handing his microphone to Barbrady, "Officer, what do you have to say about this issue?"

Officer Barbrady stopped for a moment to think, then cleared his throat, "Bacon."

"There you have it folks, straight from the horse, er, police officer's mouth." the reporter chuckled, causing more popcicle to drip out, "Back to you at the Studio, Tom."

"...hey, Helen Tucker... isn't that your friend Red's mother?" Nicholas Stoley asked his son, rubbing his chin. Kevin dropped his spoon, "Kevin?"

xXx

"...and then Terrance and Phillip started making out. It was like, the hottest fanfic I ever read in my whole life." Bebe sighed happily as she held her books. Wendy and Annie both stood around her, both of their eyebrows raised in confusion. What Bebe did in her spare time was not their business but still... "So what have you guys been up to? How are things with your boyfriend, Wendy?"

"We broke up, Bebe. Stop pretending you don't know and rubbing it in." Wendy crossed her arms and rolled her eyes at her best friend, then sighed, "So... did either of you guys watch the news this morning?" Bebe looked at Wendy as if she had ingested some kind of mysterious chemical and had only a few hours to live.

"They were talking about Red's mom on there, huh?" Soft-spoken Annie asked, sighing, "I didn't see it but... Craig kind of spread the news around..." she said. And speak of the devil, Red walked by with her backpack, eyes down. The girls exchanged looks, and Annie put a hand on her shoulder, "Hey. You okay?" Red looked around and sighed,

"Everyone knows, don't they?" she sighed, keeping her eyes away from the others, "Everyone knows, because my stupid cousin told everybody, and now nobody's going to leave me alone, and they're all going to try to make me feel better and be all clingy and shit. All day it's all anyone's going to want to talk about. They'll lavish me with attention because they feel sorry for me, but all they'll talk about is my mom." she sighed.

"...you don't want to talk about it do you?" Annie asked quietly, feeling a bit embarrassed, looking down and rubbing the back of her hand nervously. Red finally turned and looked at her,

"The last thing I want to think about is my mother. I just want to forget it, okay?" Red sighed, "Come on, let's... let's just get to class, okay?" Red walked off, Annie bowing her head and sighing as well before following obediently. Kevin then entered the hallway and ran up to Kenny, Cartman, Butters, Stan and Kyle's lockers, though only Kenny and Butters were present, putting their books away. Where their other three friends were, they dared not question.

"Butters, Kenny, dudes, have either of you seen Red today?" he asked, stopping to catch his breath. Butters and Kenny exchanged glances,

"Well, yeah, she just walked by." Butters told Kevin, "She seemed awful sad about somethin' but I'm not too sure what it coulda been..." Kenny raised an eyebrow at Butters, shrugged and left without a word, "...don't mind Kenny, I think he's sore Eric, Stan and Kyle went on another a'venture without bringing him along. Poor Ken. Anyway, yeah, Red seems awful sad."

"Her mom died Butters." Kevin said, crossing his arms, "Something in Stark's Pond is killing people. First it got Fosse's older sister, and now it got Red's mom. Who's next, Butters? When does it end?" He shook Butters' shoulders, "WHEN DOES IT FUCKING END?"

"I-I DON'T KNOW!" Butters ran off towards the boys' bathroom, tears streaming down his face. Kevin stood there, fists balled up as he looked around for a minute - it was rare for Kevin to be this angry in public, but dear God had it happened. Craig and Clyde, walking down the hall, stopped with their eyebrows raised,

"God, did you see that? Isn't Butters a pussy, dude?" Clyde laughed. Craig punched Clyde in the guit, and his eyes closed and watered as he burst out into tears, frantically crying. The bell rang and Clyde and Craig sighed as they approached and entered the classroom, sitting alongside their fellow students as Mr. Garrison stood in front,

"All right kids, today for Biology we're going to be learning about sharks." Garrison said, turning to the board and drawing, "There are several species of sharks. You see, sharks are cartiligious fishes, like skates, rays and chimeras, so they don't have skeletons - their bodies are made up of cartilage, like your nose and your ears. Now kids, sharks are- what is it, Millie?" Garrison asked.

"Why're we talkin' about sharks, Mr. Garrison?" Millie asked, "Usually we talk about current issues and society, and stuff like that? I don't really see how sharks're relevant."

"Because Millie, with the recent attacks in Stark's Pond, some people speculate there may be sharks or other kinds of fish involved. There are very few species of shark that can survive in freshwater though, and Stark's Pond doesn't feed into a river or anything, so that theory's probably bullcrap, but regardless, I have orders from the Principal to teach you this crap. Back to- oh, is there something you want to say, too, Bebe?" Bebe wasn't one to comment much. Just took notes.

"I know tons about sharks, Mr. Garrison. See, I always wanted to be a marine biologist so I do my research at the Aquarium!" she said smirking and crossing her arms triumphantly. Garrison raised an eyebrow,

"Well... did you know sharks..." Bebe finished at the same time he did, "Can't get cancer?" Garrison was astounded - maybe Bebe wasn't a natural blonde?

"Of course I knew that. And it's not true," Bebe corrected, "Studies find while sharks have a much lower rate of cancer, no living thing is immune to it's effects. Funny story actually. Also did you know dolphins are ssentially shark's natural enemies? They'll gang up on sharks that attack other dolphins, or sometimes just for fun."

"...okay Bebe, you had your fun as teacher, but I am the teacher for this class, so shut the hell up and don't talk unless I ask you something, capiche?" Garrison said, "Does anyone else have any questions before we go back to taking notes?" Token raised his hand, "Token, yes?"

"How do you kill a shark, Mr. Garrison?" Token asked quietly. While Token didn't think animals should be killed, he felt it was a valid question. Not that this stopped Wendy and Bebe from glaring at him angrily.

"Oh, that's easy. Just go watch Jaws, it's like a step-by-step tutorial." Mr. Garrison turned around, "All right now I'm going to show you each pictures of various sharks, and you have to identify them. Let's see..." Garrison showed the first image, "All right, see this one? It's about twenty feet long, notice it's gray but with a white belly. Sharp torpedo-shaped nose... mhmm, very attractive shape, actually..." Garrison rubbed his chin, "D'you kids know that sharks keep their penises in pouches? ...wonder how you work it out of that pouch..."

"Great White! Great White!" Clyde said readily, looking pretty damn scared, "It's a Great White shark, Mr. Garrison, we can move on now!"

"Mhm... oh, right, yes, Clyde, correct... and this one is..." he pressed the button, "Notice the brown coloring, the black-tipped fins, the similar shape... come on, retards, black-tipped, doesn't that signal anything to you?" Silence. "How fucking stupid are you kids?"

"Uhh... is it a b-b-black-tip shark, Mr. Garrison?" Jimmy asked.

"No, Jimmy, it's a black-tip reef shark. But good try!" Mr. Garrison clicked to another picture, "This one you'll see-" And then, quite suddenly, there was crying. "Clyde, they're just photographs, please, get over yourself."

"It's not me, Mr. Garrison!" Clyde said, "...it's Butters, he's the real crybaby!" he said desperately, eager to throw suspicion off himself. Why did people think he was such a crybaby? Why would anybody think something like that? He hadn't cried in like, twenty minutes now! It was totally unfair.

"Huh? It's not me, fellas!" Butters tapped his fists together, looking around to find the source of the crying. He wasn't the only one looking as all eyes lay on Red Tucker, who's face was down on the desk, her arms hiding her face as she cried loudly. Kevin, Bradley, and Annie exchanged nervous glances.

"Ugh. Rebecca Tucker, go see the counselor if you're going to disrupt my class to talk about all of your stupid problems." Mr. Garrison rolled his eyes with annoyance. Red lifted her face, tears still falling as she ran out the door. Garrison turned back to the presentation, "Anyway-" The door opened again, Principal Victoria peeking in, "What is it?"

"Mr. Garrison, we just got a call from your parents, apparently your Uncle Tim died. Your mother insisted I tell you it's for real this time." Principal Victoria reported. Garrison looked down horrified as Victoria left,

"Hey kids, how would you like to hear about my stupid problems instead of learning the history of Ancient Egypt?"

xXx

A fan sat in the window, blowing cool air into Mr. Mackey's office as he sat behind his desk, hands together as he looked across the room at the girl in front of him. She sat in her chair looking down, not meeting his face, looking fairly depressed. He sighed, "M'kay, Rebecca, I know you're having a hard time right now, m'kay, with your mother being, well, dead... but you have to move on with your life. Your mother wouldn't have wanted you to be sad and depressed, m'kay, she would've wanted her little girl to be happy."

"It's not polite to put words in people's mouths, Mr. Mackey." Red grumbled quietly, "You don't know my mother. How do you know what she'd want, hm? How do you know how my mom would feel? Perhaps she was an alcoholic who beat me on a regular basis, thought I was a failure, and wanted me aborted, hm? Or perhaps she was an absolute saint who cared so much about other people and not herself she'd throw herself in front of a bus for someone? How do you know how she feels? You don't. You know why? Because she's gone forever."

"...m'kay." Mackey wasn't sure how to react to that, "Rebecca, let me ask you something: what makes you the happiest, m'kay? What kind of stuff do you enjoy doing? Everybody has a hobby." he asked her carefully, trying to gouge a response. She blinked, not looking up as she began speaking,

"I sure as hell don't enjoy seeing counselors." she mumbled, "I don't really have any hobbies. I spend most of my free time over at the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch seeing my boyfriend." she admitted quietly, still looking down, "I do spend some time with my friends but since me and Terrance started dating we've been a lot closer." she explained.

"Well, there you go, m'kay, maybe at recess you can go and meet up with your little boyfriend and cheer yourself up, m'kay?" Mackey smiled, mixing his coffee a bit, "Doesn't that sound nice?"

"Mr. Mackey, let me ask you something. When you lost your father, what did you do with your life, huh? Did you just go on, Mr. Mackey? Did everything just fly by for you, huh?"

"Rebecca, that's not very appropriate to being say to your counselor, m'kay, 'cause that's- that's personal information, and taking someone's personal life, and uh, uh, making fun of it, that's bad, m'kay." Mr. Mackey said, taking his clipboard and writing down a note, "Now, Rebecca, I'm going to write you a note out of here and I recommend you go home and get some sleep, m'kay?"

"...no. I'm not going home. I'm getting through this school day, no matter how you assholes treat me." she got out of her chair and left the room, Mr. Mackey staring off in shock and disbelief. He looked down, then back at the door,

"You forgot your hall pass, m'kay!"

xXx

Craig Tucker sat next to Clyde Donovan and Token Black on his side of the lunch table, each of them eating their food as selected from the cafeteria. Craig took a slice of pizza in hand while Clyde munched on what he believed was an all-beef burger. Token was sipping his carton of milk instead. Across from them were Jimmy Valmer, Tweek Tweak and Jason McHugh. Jimmy had a hot dog, Tweek was eating a burger and Jason had also selected pizza. Jason always seemed to stick around, welcome or unwelcome.

"So did you guys see the news this morning?" asked Clyde, looking both ways, "Red Tucker's mom got killed at Stark's Pond now, just like Fosse's sister. I'm telling you guys, something has to be done about this whole shark thing. I mean look how heartbroken Fosse is..." he motioned to a table, where Bill, Fosse, Terrance, Dogpoo, Kevin, and Bradley sat - today was Wednesday so Red was over with the girls during lunch.

"And so then I told him, 'Ignorant plebian, I'll have you turned into a frog!' and then I did exactly that. Daddy makes wonderful playthings." Terrance Mephesto gloated toward Kevin, Dogpoo and Bradley. Bill and Fosse laughed along with their unquestionable leader,

"Heheh, that's gay!" Fosse looked at Bill, grinning.

"Totally gay, hahaha!" Bill grabbed his chest as he laughed.

"How are we going to stop a shark?" Craig asked, taking a bite of his pizza, "It's a giant killing machine. How can a bunch of fourth graders stop something like that?"

"You're kidding, right?" Jason asked, laughing, "It's extremely easy, dude. You get a boat, you catch it - it's only Stark's Pond - and then throw explosives in it's mouth. It's been done before - ever seen Varan the Unbelievable?"

"Hey... hey, Jason's right, we could totally do that!" Clyde grinned, "Token, you're rich, your family totally has a boat, right? And, uh, Tweek, something, something tells me you know about explosives! Can you get us some?"

"GAH! Clyde, man, that is way too much pressure, you expect me to get bombs? Jesus!" Tweek shoved what was left of his burger in his mouth, nearly choking on it before swallowing it, breathing heavily.

"Tweek, relax, chew your food man... anyway, I have a boat, yeah. But we shouldn't go so fast, we need to do research first and stuff... Jimmy, didn't you say you knew someone who was in contact with a shark once?" Token asked.

Jimmy was in the middle of deep-throating a hot dog when this issue came up, "Oh, well yes, when I was at Lake Tardica- Lake Tardica- caa- caaa- Lake Tardicaca, my good buddy N-N-Nathan was attacked by a sh-sh-sh-shaaark. It totally r-r-rah-raped him. It was so bad Timmy videotaped it and turned it into a p-p-p-porno."

Clyde covered his mouth in shock, "...oh my God, Man-Shark Fuckfest III? You know that kid?" The other children looked at him, eyes wide with horror, "I-it's not mine, it's one of my dad's favorite pornos... he watches it whenever mom's not home 'cause she doesn't like it. I swear to God, you guys, I swear!"

"Clyde, you're a cool friend and all, but seriously, you're kind of a freak." Craig said, "You're annoying as shit, you think you're cool but you're not, you get hornier when we talk about tacoes than when we talk about your girlfriend, you cry all the fucking time, you only have one testicle, you have a colon bag thing, and you're fat."

"I'M NOT FAT GODAMMIT!" Clyde screamed, before looking around and covering his mouth. "How about you? Every time you're pissed off you're all 'oh look at me, I'm so boring' but when you're in a good mood, all you want to do is start trouble! Do you have any idea how contradictory you are you freakin' dick? And then you flip everyone off like it's no big fucking deal!"

"Clyde, you're really starting to grate on my nerves, man." Craig said, flipping him off, opening his mouth to continue but before the conversation could escalate, Jimmy started speaking,

"Hey fellas, do you want to hear a f-f-fantastic joke?" Jimmy always tried to tell jokes when a situation got too serious in hopes of defusing it, "S-so a guy asks his f-f-friend, 'What kind of things do you l-l-look for in a woman?' and his f-f-friend says 'My d-d-dah-d-d-dah-dah-d-d-dick'." he grinned, "Wow, what a terrific audience!"

xXx

"All right people, I want answers. What are we going to do about this whole Stark's Pond business? We can't just get rid of that old lake, and we don't have the funds to do jack shit anymore. We've rebuilt this town too many times." Mayor McDaniels turned from her window and sat at her desk, "You are the most brilliant minds in South Park, do your magic!" She didn't exactly have a group of all-stars: City Attorney Gerald Broflovski, City Treasurer Linda Stotch, City Planner Deborah Testaburger, Parks/Public Grounds Official Randy Marsh, Secretary of Public Safety Thomas Tucker, Chief-of-Police Officer Barbrady and Chief of the Fire Department Ryan Valmer.

"Mayor McDaniels, there's nothing we can do - the fact is, the town of South Park is out of money." Linda Stotch said, "Having to rebuild after so many calamities has bankrupted the entire town and our economy is as fragile as a writer's ego." She balled a fist into her other hand for emphasis, "We're screwed."

"Hey, that's not true... maybe we can have a bake sale!" Deborah suggested, "You know, I can make some cupcakes, oh, Linda, you could try making a cake or something? Maybe we could ask Liane Cartman, Sean's told me she's a master baker! Mayor, are you good at baking?"

"Hey yeah, Debbie's right, we could totally have a little bake sale outside Town Hall!" Gerald said, grinning - this plan was totally perfect and full-proof, "You know, my wife can bake, too. Sheila make's the best cheesecake, I'm telling you, sell them by the slice, they will be gone!"

"Awh, come on, Gerald, who really likes cheesecake? That stuff tastes like crap!" Randy said, sticking his tongue out, turning around, "Look, I have a better idea, how about we have a film festival? You know, my brah Ned's a real movie junkie, I'm sure we can find plenty to screen. Everyone'll love it! We'll even show some movies that cater to minorities, like, uhh, some Tyler Perry movies, and uh, did George Lopez get to be in any movies? Oh, and the edited version of Terrance & Phillip: Asses of Fire, for the Canadian residents, and hey, how about Brokeback Mountain! We need to cater to the cowboys, am I right?"

"Look, this isn't the issue, people. There is a shark in Stark's Pond and we need to do something about it." Officer Barbrady explained calmly, "Now, what are we gonna do, people?"

"I don't know, but we need to do something. There's already two victims, what if one of the families presses charges?" Gerald said, "The MacDonalds look to be pretty quick to make an issue over it, and they're a pretty well-off family by our town's standards. And in our current economic status, we could be completely devastated."

"Oh my God, Gerald's right." Ryan Valmer looked around, "We need to think of something to get that shark out of the way. What if we built over Stark's Pond? We did authorize that Wal-Mart to build over it last year but that thing nearly destroyed the town. Maybe we could put a concrete memorial or something?"

"Ryan, there's no money to build over it!" Linda explained, "This towns is nearly bankrupt! We have no money!" she said, getting slightly hysterical, "We're broke!"

"Look, this is getting nowhere." the Mayor said, putting her arms behind her back and looking out the window at her city, "My re-election campaign is coming up soon, we need to save the town's economy, but the first thing we need to is get rid of that goddamn shark!" she said angrily.

"Well, I mean, there must be a solution, Mayor... there has to be something we can do." Randy admitted, "We can't just let our town destroy itself!"

"Hey, hey wait a minute..." Thomas Tucker stepped forward, lighting up, "What if we turned the shark into a tourist attraction? You know, invited research teams to try to catch it and stuff? Like the Loch Ness Monster up in Scotland?"

"Hey!" Skeeter stormed through the door and into the office, Johnson holding one of his arms. Skeeter continued with clear anger, "I need a word with y'all City Council folk!"

"...sorry Mayor, I tried to stop him but he was too strong..." Johnson said quietly, trying to hold on to Skeeter's arm but looking rather weak in comparison to the stocky redneck.

"Skeeter, you're a member of the City Council, you don't have to storm in all pissed off." Thomas said, facepalming at his brother's behavior, "What d'you need?"

"Now, sir, we're really sorry to hear about your loss, but there's nothing we can do." Officer Barbrady explained calmly, "We're already taking a look in Stark's Pond and there's no evidence of any malicious creatures... besides the death and stuff."

"Let me tell you somethin', Mr. Police officer!" Skeeter rose up, "We don't like yer kind 'round here! We like the kind around here that drink beer, watch football, and have ambiguous relationships with their wives! And if you don't like that, well, you can just get the hell outta here!"

"...oh, all righty then." Officer Barbrady got up and walked right out the door, before poking his head back in, "Also, uh, I like the tourist attraction idea. Bye-bye now!"

"Fucking idiot..." the Mayor mumbled, turning around, "Look, Mr. Tucker, please escort Mr. Tucker out of the room. Johnson, go finish your coffee." she sighed, "Look, each of you are dismissed. But keep your eyes out... we need a team to beat this thing, and somewhere in South Park is the team to do that."

xXx

"So guys when are we meeting to take out that shark?" asked Clyde to Tweek, Token, Jimmy and Craig. Jimmy and Token exchanged worried glances as Tweek twitched, "I'm thinking my house, gather supplies, then Stark's Pond around... seven-ish?"

"Godammit Clyde." Craig glared, "I am so sick of you trying to be the leader here. This is my gang, you're just my friend, okay? Stop trying to take control. We're not going after any stupid shark, in any stupid pond, we're going to go to my house, and we are going to play Batman: Arkham City until we get bored, and then we're going to order a pizza, and then Jimmy will tell some lame jokes, and then the pizza delivery guy will be late, and then Tweek will call them to ask what's going on, and then they'll say 'oh, well, it's kind of a busy night' and we'll make Tweek tell them that's okay, and then we'll watch YouTube videos until it comes, eat pizza, and then pass out." He then flipped Clyde off.

"You know what, Craig? You know what? We aren't bro's anymore! I'm totally serial this time!" Clyde said, "You're a big old meanie and you don't let anyone do what they want 'cause you think you're in control, Mr. Boringpants! Goodbye!" he turned and stormed off, before coming back, "And another thing! Your hat is totally stupid! It makes you look like a dick!" He left. And returned, "Oh, and by the way, my mom says you eat like a horse!"

"Yeah Clyde, well, you're a self-absorbed asshole who thinks he's so goddamn nice when really you're just a big fat piece of shit! You're just like a second Cartman!" Craig sneered, "I never wanted to be your brah anyway!" he picked up a football, "Come on guys, let's play."

"Dude, you and Clyde just had a huge fight and you're just going to bounce back like that?" Token asked Craig, "I mean, come on, really? He's your friend and you're just going to let him walk away, just like that?"

"Yes, I will. He'll be back, this is Clyde, we're talking about guys, he always comes back. In this stupid town, things always go back to normal at the end of the day." Craig raised the football to toss it, but the others didn't move, "Come on you assholes..."

"Things always go back to normal, huh? What about Chef? Ms. Crabtree? Pip? Kenny? Our teacher's genitals? Mr. Slave? Stark's Pond? Ike? Fourth Grade? Stan's Grandpa? Kenny's Sister? Cartman's Father? Mephesto? Jesus? Towelie? Mr. Hankey? Mysterion? Face it man, change is all around us!" Tweek said quickly, "At every twist and corner, there's change, man. You can't escape it, it just happens!"

"Tweek's right, Craig, things don't always go back to n-n-nah-n-n-nah-nah-n-n-normal..." Jimmy explained, "He's still your friend, Craig, you need to go cheer him up? If Timmy was feeling under the w-w-weather, I'd stop hanging with you guys and go make him feel b-b-b-bah, b-b-bah-b-better."

Craig sighed, "Fine, one more chance..." Craig approached Clyde, who was talking to his girlfriend Bebe, tapping him on the shoulder. Clyde turned around and crossed his arms, "Clyde, I'm supposed to make you feel better."

"Oh yeah? Well, where's the taco?"

"Huh?"

"I'm not gonna be your brah again until you bring me an apology taco!" Clyde turned back to Bebe. Craig flipped him off,

"Fine then! You know what, Clyde? We're gonna catch that shark, and we're gonna do it without you!" Craig told him angrily, running off and back to his comrades.

"...weirdo." Clyde shook his head, Bebe laughing, "Anyway, so I turned to the clerk and said 'Bitch, what do you mean you never seen a $4 bill before? That's President Obama there! You think just any nine-year-old can draw him on a $1 and write little 4's over the 1's?"

Not far away on the playground, Terrance Mephesto was sitting by the slide, yawning, "Ignorant peseants, they know nothing naught as much as they delude themselves into thinking they do! They shall rue the day they messed with Terrance Alfonz Mephesto!" he said, looking up, "Bill, Fosse, you guys done scouting?"

"Huhuh, not yet!" Bill called down, looking to Fosse, "Huhuh, is it my turn yet, huhuh?"

"No Bill, godammit, heheh, you're gay, heheh, you wouldn't like this, I'm trying to see that Wendy chick's underwear, heheh! She's cryin' in the snow like a freakin'... uhh.. crybaby! A gay crybaby! Hahahaha!" Fosse laughed, looking in his binoculars.

"Hahaha, come on, Fosse, you're bein' gay, those are my binoculars, heheh!"

"...dumbasses." Terrance sighed, looking down when he noticed someone approaching him, "Oh, hello Rebecca. How are you today?" he asked his girlfriend. Red smiled at him,

"I'm fine, thanks." she moved closer to him, "How's my favorite genetecist?" she said in a singsongy romantic voice. Terrance was not phased, looking at her coldly and logically,

"I'm doing well." Terrance said simply, "As we are both doing excellent, I see no further reasoning to continue the conversation unless you wish to assess the progress of our relationship." he told her quietly.

"Heheh, Terrance said ass!" Bill and Fosse began laughing madly.

"Uhh... yes, I'd like to... assess the progress of... us, yes." Red asked, looking at the ground nervously. She always felt nervous around Terrance. He was so intelligent, not like everyone else here, he was someone who could take her places, and make her feel special.

"Our relationship is progressing at the average speed for a couple in the fourth grade. While we haven't even reached first base, most couples don't surpass that goal until the early Junior High years, therefore, we are doing fairly well by the average standards of relationships." he said robotically, spitting out the facts, "However, I have a feeling both parties may not be satisfied with current progress, which is normal, but could slow future progress by our relationship. What is your take on that?"

"I... enjoy being with you, Terrance." she took his hand, "And it may not be... everything I'd like but... I'd like to stay with you. No matter what happens. We're strong and we can get through anything together. Right?"

"Perhaps this is so, but the total strength of our relationship has yet to be properly experimented with against an equally strong or stronger force. I suggest we attempt to test this fact at a future time. Currently, however, I am more occupied with other pressing matters. In approximately forty-three seconds, I am to spend time with one Lizzy McCormick, in lieu of the two neanderthals currently atop the sliding structure."

"Okay... so we can't hang out right now then?" Red said with disappointment, "I was hoping we could talk... I know your dad is able to clone, and my mom... she's kind of..."

"Many apologies for cutting off your current statement but I have an appointment at the swing set and I don't believe I may take a raincheck this time around. We shall converse further today. Hasta manana." And Terrance sped off towards the swing set where Lizzy was waiting. Red sighed, moving to the back wall - not even her boyfriend wanted to be around her. Was she that worthless?

"Hi Red." Kevin greeted, approaching her, "Look, I know you're going through a tough time..." he looked down nervously, "I just wanted to check if... maybe you wanted to talk about it... again..." he bit his lip. "It's totally fine if you don't but... well, you look kind of lonely back here."

"I don't know, dude... I feel like my life is falling apart... my mother's gone, dude... she's really... dead... and it's... it's strange, you know, you expect your parents to be there forever and one day, they're just... gone. And now my boyfriend won't even pay me attention and..." she began to tear up, "I feel so worthless. I feel like I'll never amount to anything! Nobody cares about me! I'm nobody! Nobody!" Kevin put an arm around her,

"Hey, hey, don't say that, Red." he smiled at her, "You're not worthless. You're everything. To me." she smiled back at him slightly, "And you know what? We may not be the popular ones, but deep down, we're just as important as them, because you know, every piece is important to the puzzle, am I right?"

"Yeah, you're right..." she smiled, "Thanks Kevin. You always know how to make me smile when I feel sad." For a brief second, she took his hand, "Uh, you know, I'm feeling better, you want to go play Star Wars by the monkey bars or something?"

Kevin reached into his belt and pulled out his lightsaber, smirking, "Sounds like a plan!"

xXx

The school bell rang, signaling the end of another school day at South Park Elementary - kids rushed out the front door, eager to go home and play video games, hang out, use their computers, or go on wild adventures. Token Black, Tweek Tweak, and Jimmy Valmer walked out and moved to the side, backpacks on awaiting Craig Tucker's arrival. Tweek then looked down, twitched, and looked at the other two boys, "So wait, why do you guys hang out with Craig again? Ngh!"

"...well, I mean, he..." Token looked down, trying to articulate his thoughts accurately, but failing to do so even in his mind - his friendships were not something he often pondered, "Craig's just... you know he's..." he looked to Jimmy for support, then back at Tweek, "It's just, he, uh, well..."

"Yeah, Craig's totally... um..." Jimmy looked down as well, then at Token, Jimmy sighed, as if admitting some kind of sad truth, "He p-p-p-puts up with us, you know?" he finally said, "He doesn't go on the crazy kind of a-a-adventures as Eric's friends, but he a-a-a-a-accepts us for who we are."

"Well, he accepts us. He doesn't really like you." Token interjected, "No offense, Tweek, me and Jimmy totally think you're cool and all, but... Craig thinks you're really annoying." he said, "I mean I guess he likes us because we're kind of normal... but he thinks you, Clyde and Jason are annoying and need to get over yourselves."

"NGH! Really?" Tweek started pulling his hair out, "Oh man, I'm annoying? Nobody's ever told me that before! Well, okay a few people have... a lot of people... oh God, what do I do?"

"There you assholes are." Craig Tucker walked out, putting on his backpack as he walked out of the school, "So are we going to go take care of this shark or what?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Token, Jimmy and Tweek all looked at each other, then back at him.

"I guess so." Token shrugged as the kids lined up and left the school's front yard on their way to get to Stark's Pond. There was utter silence as they walked down the street when suddenly Token broke it quickly, not liking the quiet very much, "So where are we going to get the explosives we need?"

"You say somethin' about Stark's Pond there, son?" Out walked an old mechanic with graying hairs and sad eyes, a wrinkled face and orange-and-red cap, wearing light purple overalls over a blue shirt, "Lotta history at that thar lake... last three days, three people gone missin' at thar lake..."

"Really? We only knew about Shannon McDonald and Helen T-T-T-Tah, T-T-Tucker." Jimmy asked as the kids looked to the old mechanic, "Has there been a third moyder?"

"Oh, well, a homeless guy sorta drowned thar... I don't think it was much of a moyder that thar time... looks boys, if you're thinkin' of going to that lake, don't do it. They'll eat you alive, what's in that thar lake. You seem like good boys, don't let yourself get killed up at that thar lake."

"ACK! I don't wanna die, oh God, what if I do die? What'll I do? What'll my parents do? They'll have to pay for funeral... how much does a funeral cost? Oh God, what if they can't afford it? What if they can't afford a casket? How much are caskets? Token, will you pay for it? No that's not fair Token, I can't make my friend pay for it... OH GOD I NEED A CASKET!" And he pulled some more hair out.

"Look Mr. Weird Mechanic Guy, we're fine, now leave us alone." Craig crossed his arms.

"Actually, my name is Judd Crandall, I work at a mechanic shop just outside of this har town, near the old Indian burial ground. I'll be off now. Just remember what I told you boys, don't go to that thar lake." the Mechanic turned and left, leaving the kids alone. Craig stretched,

Craig turned to his friends, "Come on guys, we need to research before we hit that lake. Jimmy, what did you say was the name of that kid who got raped by one of these things?"

xXx

Esther Stoley loved, more than anything, art. She had a rather large desk in her room just for drawing - and occasionally playing psychologist, and currently had a large paper out and was drawing. Abstractly - just shapes and colors. Just as she was finishing, there was a knock at her bedroom door. Answering, she was face to face with her brother Kevin, "Oh, hello. Something the matter, dear brother?" she let that last word roll off her tongue sarcastically.

"Yeah... yeah, something is..." Kevin jammed his hands in his pockets, "I'm guessing you already know what happened to Red?" Esther nodded solemnly, "She's not handling the news well, but that's not the worst of it. Terrance has totally moved on. She's nothing to him anymore." he sighed.

Esther rolled her eyes, "You're so jealous, it's cute, it's like watching a puppy begging for food. Come on in, we'll have a talk, Dr. Lecter's still in disposed of." she explained, sitting behind her art desk, still drawing into it, "Now, tell Dr. Stoley what's the matter." she cracked her knuckles.

"It's not fair to her. Red is the sweetest, kindest girl in the whole universe... and people are just mean to her. Her dad's a drunk and too busy running a bar to take care of her, her mom just died and was too mad at her dad to be too close to her, and her boyfriend's too busy chasing around another girl. I wish I could just buy a mansion and have her and Bradley and everyone move in with me and everything would just be okay..." he put his hands on his cheeks. Esther chose not to remind him his funds from the Star Wars contest made this very possible.

"Look Kevin... you care a lot about Red." Now was not the time for teasing about their close friendship, "There's no denying that. You... want to make her happy. Like any best friend wants to see their best friend... there's really not much I can tell you. All you can do is comfort and support her. As for the romantic issue..." Esther pulled out an apple, seemingly out of thin air, "That-"

"Okay, where did that apple come from?" Kevin interrupted, "Every time we talk about Red, you just pull these apples out of thin air! What's the deal? Does it mean something?" he said with clear annoyance. Esther rolled her eyes at his meta-reference and bit it,

"Kevin, it means something you don't understand." Ah, love. Such a complex subject indeed, "Look. If Terrance is after someone else, just... you'll have to sit back and either end things yourself, or watch the cookie crumble. If it's not meant to be... it won't be. And then... maybe then Red'll find the Prince Charming she's looking for." Esther smiled at her brother, who was just confused further. "Do you understand?"

"I think so... but why shouldn't I intevene?"

"Look Kevin..." Esther bit her apple, "Go ahead and do what you want." She chose her words carefully, "Love's impossible to understand. Relationships are built on different things, different needs, and most importantly, different people. Maybe Terrance and Red go together and maybe they don't. But you know what Kevin? I think in the end, things will work out for you."

"...for me? But this is about Red." Esther facepalmed at her brother's next moment of stupidity.

"Do whatever you want, Kevin. Now let me finish my damn sketches." Esther commanded, taking her paintbrush now to go over the sketch. Kevin sighed, got up and left the room, "Swear to God, he misses the most obvious things..."

xXx

Jimmy, Craig, Tweek and Token stood at a red house, Jimmy knocking with his crutches,, then turned his head back, "Now guys, let's all be c-c-cool about this, Nathan has some p-p-problems expressing himself, but let's all try to be accahmdating to him, okay?" Token saluted, Craig flipped him off, and Tweek pulled a few more strands of hair. A woman in her forties with dark brown, nearly black hair answered in a purple blouse and an orange skirt.

"Oh Jimmy, it's so good to see you. Nathan's watching a movie, why don't you go say hi to him?" she smiled, "Nathan's been talking all about you since summer camp ended 'oh, mom, I want to see my friend Jimmy!'" She laughed now, motioning for them to enter. The four boys entered only to see Nathan on the couch in a red shirt and jeans.

"No, I don't want to Remember the Titans, I want to forget the Titans, freakin' Disney Cha- oh shit." Nathan noticed them and moved down, "Jimmy, what the hell are you doing here?" he asked, sneering, "I thought-"

"Well Nathan, I figured we were such great pals and all, maybe you'd like to h-h-help us solve one of the greatest c-c-cr-c-c-cr-cr-crimes in South Park history." Jimmy asked, "We're trying to figure out if a Tardicaca River Shark in Stark's Pond is responsible for the murders of two people."

"Jimmy told us you had a close encounter with one of the Tardicaca sharks at summer camp." Tweek said, trying to keep his composure, although fear was evident the entire time.

"Can't you just tell us what happened? Shannon McDonald and Helen Tucker are dead, dude, this is serious." Token intervened quickly. Not that Craig gave a crap, as he was too busy flipping everyone off.

"Let me ask you something... do you know what rape feels like, Jimmy?" Nathan sneered, "Do you know what it feels like to have a huge nine-inch cock in your ass? Do you? The cock of a fucking shark? Do you have even the vaguest idea how that feels Jimmy?"

"Nathan, I-"

"No Jimmy, you don't. You don't how it feels for a Tardicaca shark to leap out of the water and mount you, and stick it's nine-inch long dick through your pants and into your asshole, ripping your clothes and going so far up your ass you can feel it tickling the bottom of your spine! You don't know how it feels to be RAPED by a fucking SHARK! All because fucking Mimsy blew the shark whistle wrong!" Nathan turned and crossed his arms, "So how about you all just leave me the fuck alone!"

"...did he say shark whistle?" Craig finally piped in.

xXx

Clyde Donovan sighed as he entered Tweek Bros. Coffee shop, walking up the counter, where Mrs. Angela Tweek stood, holding a notebook and a pen to take his order. "Welcome to Tweek Bros. Coffee, may I take your order please?" she asked eloquently. Clyde sighed,

"Tea, earl gray, hot..." he said quietly, looking down, and wondering what his friends were up to. Dare he admit it, Clyde was lonely right now. He'd abandoned the people who needed him most. He was one of the things he hated most: a traitor. Oh well, let that douche Craig die...

"Everything all right, Clyde?" Mrs. Tweek asked as she finished writing his order, "You seem a little upset. What's the matter?" she asked as she turned around and began making the tea behind the counter.

"Well, Craig and the guys are going on a big mission to Stark's Pond." Clyde explained, "I was supposed to go with them... we were gonna stop that stupid shark that's killin' everyone... but me and Craig had a fight... and I abandoned my friends... and at the time I was all 'rawr you guys suck, fuck off' and now I feel like... like I betrayed my buds. What do I do, Angela?"

"Call me Mrs. Tweek" she said sternly as she passed him his tea, "Well Clyde, if it means all that much to you, you should go find your little friends and reconcile."

"I dunno... they're probably still mad at me for abandoning them." he sighed and sipped his tea, "It's probably my fault I guess... I abandoned my friends in a time of need. What kind of a monster am I?"

"Clyde, if you go back and apologize, and if your friends really care about you, everything will work out." she explained, "If you try to help your friends, then they'll accept you back... it's if you let them go on without you, that you lose them. Friendship is about more than hanging out and liking one another... it's about trust. It's about being there for each other when you're in trouble. Do you understand?"

"Yeah... you know what? Yeah! Yeah, I do!" Clyde sipped his tea, and left the money for it, "Seeya Mrs. Tweek, I'm gonna go save my bros!" And with that, he left out the door.

xXx

Terrance Sheldon Mephesto sat across from Red Tucker on a blanket at Stark's Pond. The two were having a small picnic, both holding Diet Cokes and with sandwhiches, made by his mother, on their plates. He sighed - this was boring. Red was no longer fascinating to him. No, she was a distraction from the purity of science, of biology, and physics, and astronomy, and anatomy, and physiology, and chemistry. He didn't care what she was droning on about. What was once something of an interesting scientific subject was now worthless to him. "And then Kevin said-"

"A squadron of insectoids are attempting to pilfer our meals." Terrance said robotically - and true he was, as a group of ants began to cross over into Red's plate. She quickly picked up her sandwhich and shook it off - thankfully, no ants had reached it yet. "Should've noticed it."

"How could I have? I was talking to you!" Red said, annoyed with him now, "Why didn't you tell me? Were you too busy thinking about that Lizzy girl again? I knew you weren't listening to me!"

"What subject my brilliant mind is thinking about is none of your concern and you shall cease assuming you know what I am focused on!" Terrance told her angrily. Lizzy was an excellent girl, but really, he was more annoyed with Red than he was enamoured with Lizzy. At this point, he was beginning to feel like a breakup was in order. Red picked up her Diet Coke, still holding on to her sanwhich,

"Fine! Maybe I should just go home then!" she turned to walk away. Terrance sighed - he should probably stop her. Not only was she his girlfriend, and therefore it his duty to comfort her, but she had been his friend before. But too late, she was too far. He repacked the picnic basket and began walking home to South Park Genetic Engineering.

Red, meanwhile, stopped and took out her cell phone, dialling the first number on her list, "Kevin? Hi, it's Red... I need to talk to you about Terrance. I think things are going to end between us. Soon. Yeah..."

xXx

"You kids want to use our boat to do what?" Jimbo Kern said in shock. He'd heard some weird stuff over the years, been invoed in some weird plots, but this had to be one of the weirdest, "Look kids, you really think me and Ned are going to let four ten-year-olds we barely know use our boat to kill a shark that may or may not exist by blowing it up?" he said in disbelief, "Look, we really support what you're doing, but boats are expensive and this thing'll probably be destroyed in a struggle with a shark."

"It's a Tardicaca shark, they're not that big, it'll be fine." Craig justified, dressed in a white buttoned shirt with yellow epaulettes, next to him standing Jimmy in a bathing suit and water wings, and Tweek in a SCUBA mask with gloves and boots, but black if normal clothes otherwise, "The worst it can do is ram the boat a little, and we have a plan to kill it anyway, all we need is some explosives."

"Mmm, we've got plenty." Ned said, "Just look in the back." Jimbo gave him a glare, but Ned shrugged, "I'm just answering the question. Don't give me that look."

"Please sir, we promise we'll bring it back in a day with minimal damage and..." Token sighed, stepping forward, with a bandolier on, a shovel, and tupperwear mask, "I'll pay for the damages myself." he offered generously. His family was rich after all, might as well put that skill to use.

"Really? Well, okay, I guess in that condition..." Jimbo tossed Craig the keys, "But have her back in exactly twenty-four hours, or come tell me what the hell happened, or I'll have my niece beat the hell out of all four of you, do you hear me?" he threatened.

"Yes, sir!" Craig nodded, pocketing the keys, "You go about your business... everybody, go find somewhere inside the boat and change into your special suits. We're going shark-hunting!"

"Says who?" Jimmy asked, raising an eyebrow at Craig's sudden authoritarian attitudes. Craig pulled off his aviator cap, pulled out a white and yellow cap and placed it on his head,

"Says Captain Craig Michael Tucker!"

xXx

The door to South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch opened by itself, and Dr. Alfonz Mephesto and his assistant Kevin broke from their current project - splicing the DNA of a five-assed Platypus with a seven-assed Lowland Gorilla. It was a very unstable project, but so far everything was going well. Mephesto greeted his son at the door, "Ah, hello Terrance. How was your little date with Rebecca?"

"Terrible. I believe I must break off further interactions with her, dad." he admitted, "I'm off to my laboratory to commit myself to a tedious long-term experiment in hopes of wiping my memory of this horrid experience." as he began to walk, the door opened up again, "Science dammit, did I forget to lock the door?"

"Terrance. There you are." Kevin Stoley entered, eyes narrow, "We need to talk about Red." he glared. Terrance raised an eyebrow, ready to laugh, "It's not funny. Look here, you're devastating her. She really cares about you, Terrance, so godammit, you are going to learn to embrace Red Tucker for who she is! And more importantly..." Stoley pulled out of his pocket a vial, "You're going to clone Helen Tucker."

"You gotta be fucking kidding me!" Terrance's usual sophisticated language dissolved, "Are you trying to threaten me? Seriously? You? Kevin, we're - you think we're friends. We know all about each other and I know you wouldn't harm a fucking fly." And with that, Stoley's other hand pulled out a lightsaber. The real one. "...uhhh, what else is it you want, Kevin?"

"That's it. Clone her mother and stop treating her like shit. Do you understand?" he sneered at Terrance. Terrance sighed and looked down,

"Fine, I'll continue fraternizing with that intolerabele wench for now, but I'm unsure if I can safely enter an agreement to resurrect her deceased loved one." Terrance explained, "My father has refused to pass the secrets of resurrection and life on to me as of yet, so that would be, how you say, his department."

Mephesto sighed, his assistant looking up at him, "I'm not cloning anybody. I may toy with God's creations, but I have learned not to toy with life and death. I cannot play God in that manner..." he shook his fist, "There's a difference between changing what is here and what is to come... than recreating that which is long-gone... do you understand me?"

"Where should we be if no one tried to find out what lies beyond?" Kevin Stoley asked eloquently, "Have your never wanted to look beyond the clouds and the stars, or to know what causes the trees to bud?"

Mephesto said angrily, "You can't talk me into it. I am done with cloning for good - only if the very fate of the world rested upon it would I ever use that wretched machine again. The clones are imperfect anyway... the Mr. Marsh that escaped caused nothing but panic and destruction." He then turned and returned to his table with his assistant, "Terrance, go with him and reunite with Rebecca, then come home. Do not authorize any cloning, son!"

"All right, all right, we shall visit her residency and discuss the matter with her!" Terrance sneered finally as Kevin took him by the wrist and escorted him out, turning off and replacing his lightsaber.

xXx

Kenny McCormick decided to go for a swim. It was a split-second decision - he was alone, after all. His friends had left for another adventure without him. He needed to stop being so concerned about those assholes. He removed his coat and quickly put on a SCUBA mask, once again feeling the obsessive need to hide his face - he'd worn his swim suit under the parka. He jumped in the water and looked around. It was hella cold at Stark's Pond, he'd admit. Maybe that's why it wasn't exactly an open beach.

Jimmy Valmer, completely unaware of his presence, stood aboard the USS Blonde Bombshell, his back to Kenny, "W-w-well it looks like the coast is c-c-c-clear." he put the shark whistle to his lips and blew hard. Kenny turned around in the water, raising an eyebrow. That's when he noticed a fin coming towards him and began to try to paddle back, screaming. Jimmy turned around and raised an eyebrow, "Oh my G-g-g-gah, g-g-gah, g-g-gah-gah- oh my God, it's gonna kill K-Kenny!"  
Craig, Tweek and Token walked out on deck from the cabin, a glass of s'mores-flavored schnapps in Craig's hand. "Crazy bastard!" he laughed, slightly drunk, "Oh man, you guys, look at the big, dumb shark. I bet Kenny's going to try to eat it or something. That kid's fucking funny."

"Craig, you're dr... you're dr... oh whatever, you're intoxicated." Token laughed. The kids didn't even hear Kenny's last scream as the shark pulled him under the water, mauling him till the water turned red before his bloody corpse floated back up. "Oh my God, it killed Kenny!"

"Ack! You Bastard!" Tweek shook his fist at the shark. And then the boat shook and everyone fell back, "Sorry, shark! I won't ever insult you again!" he said with fear. The creature seemed to be ramming the boat - out of anger, curiosity or what, only God knew.

"Tweek, I doubt calling the shark a bastard pissed it o- Wooaaah!" it shook again as the shark seemed to ram it. Token ran and grabbed on to the knob to the Captain's door, "Shit, this is a tough shark all right... what the hell are we gonna do you guys?"

"Gee, how about we try our guns? Duh." Craig pulled out one of Jimbo's trusty hunting rifles and looked over the water, aiming at the shark and pulling the trigger. It took the bullet, "Oh. That didn't work." he said simply. The shark rammed the boat harder, "Okay, now it's mad." It rammed at the boat again as Token opened the door to the main cabin, Craig and Tweek running in too, as the shark prepared another hit. "Come on, Jimmy!"

"But fellas, shouldn't we f-f-face our fears, instead of running? Doesn't that make us p-p-pussies?" he asked. And the boat rocked again, so much so that Jimmy lost his, ahem, footing, and fell back on the deck, one of his crutches flying off and landing in the open lake. "Oh no, I'm really f-f-fucked now..." he said as he tried to get up and failed, unable to move without the other crutch.

"AUGH! We have to face it, it's all lost, that shark is way too strong for us!" Tweek twitched, hugging on to a barrel. The boat rocked, tossing them about within the cabin, "Oh no, you guys! Look out the window! It's starting to destroy the boat!" The boat was now lopsided, with the shark over the edge of the deck and reaching it's jaws towards Jimmy.

"No, we can't lose Jimmy!" Token gasped in disbelief. Jimmy was a good, resourceful friend who was kind to all, and was popular at school. He was irreplaceable, really! Token reached forward but Craig held him back - their friend could not be saved. Jimmy tried to crawl towards them with his remaining arm and crutch but to no avail; he was trapped, "Jimmy!"

"It is... too late for him." Craig kept an arm on Token's shoulder, holding him back, as the three friends watched the shark finally sink it's sharp teeth into Jimmy's legs. The ten-year-old let out a pained scream, but the shark quickly let go, and sank back into the water, although a fair chunk of the deck was still missing. Jimmy pulled himself back towards his friends, "...Jimmy, your legs don't look any different at all."

"Shut up, C-C-Craig, okay?" Jimmy glared - if he had one rage button, it was his appearance. Sure, he'd gotten past the actual handicapability, but when people pointed out the other effects of his disorder, it made him quite angry most of the time. "Look, it's going to be back in a few minutes, we need a p-p-plan. Now, who who has the explosives?"

xXx

Kevin Stoley and Terrance Mephesto approached the door to the (second) Tucker household. Kevin's arms were crossed and he looked determined. Terrance was currently running alternative methods to curing cancer in addition to the three he'd developed earlier that day - he didn't look too interested. Finally the door opened, and red-haired redneck Skeeter faced them, "What the hell are you little fourth graders doin' here? I don't take kindly to yer types at my house!"

"Now, Skeeter, we ain't hurtin' nobody." Kevin told his best friend's father, getting rather annoyed with this frequent routine. He allowed Terrance to step in front of him.

"We are present to discuss a matter of serious importance with Rebecca." Terrance explained simply, "Is she available for questioning?"

"Lemme ask you somethin', fourth graders," he said with distaste, narrowing his eyes, "If yer all a buncha fourth graders, how come ya'll get to do whatever the flyin' hell ya want and yer parents don't object or nothin'?"

"Now, Skeeter, we don't want no trouble." Kevin interfered, but before Skeeter could reply, Red appeared at his feet, raising an eyebrow.

"Kevin? Terrance?" she raised an eyebrow, "What are you guys doing here?" Neither said anything; she sighed and looked up at Skeeter, "Daddy, can you leave me and my friends alone for a few minutes?" Skeeter glared, then sighed, gave up and left, "What do you guys want?"

"Red, I apologize for my recent actions and if I have damaged your emotional stability in any kind of manner, I would prefer that you knew I felt great remorse."

"See, Red, Terrance wants to get back together with you!" Kevin smiled at her. Red looked at him, raised an eyebrow, then looked down - there was something peculiar about this. But then she looked up, sighing a bit, "You okay?" Kevin asked.

"Look, guys, I appreciate this, I really do but... Terrance, it's just, I've moved on now. There's... a new boy I'm interested in and I'm afraid things just don't work between us. You have... your interests... and I have mine. And while sure, people like you are a lot more fun to screw, but in a real relationship you need someone you... have a lot in common with..."

"...oh phew, that's a load off my mind." Terrance shrugged, "I feel it is equally imperative that we severe romantic ties, although I would not find it unsuitable for us to continue fraternizing platonically." he explained. Red rolled her eyes - ah, Kevin had put him up to it after all.

"Thanks, you guys can go you know, I really don't mind." she said. Terrance nodded, and left, waving casually as he went towards his house. Kevin looked at her confused,

"I thought you said you wanted to get back together with Terrance?"

"I did but..." Red looked down, "I did some thinking and realized, you know, I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy and... if nobody's happy, what's the point? Besides, you know what they say... sometimes the person you've been looking for could've been there the whole time" she smiled.

"Yeah, you're right..." Kevin nodded, "So... you want to go home and play video games or something? I just bought Star Wars: The Old Republic!" he smiled at her.

"Dude, do I ever!" Red cheered, hugging him, "I'll go talk to my dad about it, then we can walk over to your place, gives us some time to talk!" she dashed into the house, leaving Kevin alone.

"...well, all's well that ends well, I guess!" he grinned.

xXx

The boat shook again, rocking the kids. Craig, Token, Jimmy and Tweek held onto the railing on the starboard side of the deck as the shark proceeded to pull down the small boat and hoist itself half over the portside railing in the hole of the deck it had created before. "Hold on, guys, we can make this!" Craig said with uncharacteristic care as they clung on.

"Ngh, it's gonna kill us! I can't keep my grip! Tell my parents I love them!" Tweek said, beginning to slip. Craig offered his hand, but Tweek merely twitched, looking at him he like was crazy, "Ack!"

"Tweek, come on you asshole, take my hand, we can save you!" he offered, emotion slipping through the monotone of his voice. Tweek looked at Craig's hand but shook his head,

"N-no, Craig, I can't, it'll look gay, and being gay is way too much pressure and- aaah!" Tweek fell from his friends and fell down on to the deck, over the railing and toward the water, when he hit the shark on the nose, falling in and landing in the lake as the shark pulled back, letting the boat go again as it's senses were briefly dulled. Unnoticed, Tweek surfaced feet away, "I'm alive! You guys, I'm alive!"

"Oh my God, they killed Tweek!" Craig said in disbelief. "You ba-" the shark, regaining it's sense, rocked the boat further. Tweek stuck near the boat, climbing up a side, unnoticed by the shark so far,

"You guys, I'm all right-"

"GO AWAY, TWEEK, YOU'RE DEAD NOW!" Craig yelled with annoyance, holding on to the railing as the boat shook again. This scene of carnage was interrupted however, as a figure appeared at the dock. The boys were frankly shocked, to see Clyde Donovan appear.

"Bros, I am so sorry." Clyde called out, "I've been a total asstard lately and I want to apologize. You guys are my bros, you know? And bros stick together, even when shit is getting real. Whether it's pitting the forces of good against evil, or just deciding who gets the last taco... we're bros and sure, Craig may be the leader, but Craig's my bro and I shouldn't be an asstard to him... oh my God, is that a fucking shark?" The shark moved towards the docks, too distracted by this touching speech to go after Craig, Token and Jimmy.

"Hey, asshole!" Token yelled after a moment. Clyde raised an eyebrow but Token shook his head. The shark turned around, mouth open, and Token took the oppurtunity to toss the explosives into it's mouth - "Smile, you son of a-" The boys covered their ears and...

Nothing.

"Jesus Ch-ch-ch-Christ!" Jimmy said, quickly moving towards the cabin to escape, Token following. The shark, meanwhile, had other plans as it again tried to breach itself on to the deck. Jimmy got in the door, as did Token. "Craig!"

"Aw ffffuuuu-" Craig had just reached the handle of the door when the shark again breached itself over the part of the boat it had decimated earlier, opening it's mouth and rocking the boat. Token reached for Craig's hand, but too late, he began falling and slipping back toward the shark's mouth, climbing up to no avail as the boat still laid uneven on the waters, "Guys, tell my family..." Craig flipped them off promptly.

BANG. BANG.

There was an explosion, which took out most of the remainder of the ship and the force of the explosion blew it towards shore, and Craig straight into the cabin door - so powerfully so there was a dent, and a bump on his head to match. Craig rubbed his head and yawned as he looked around him. The shark was dead and destroyed, blood in the water - it was dead. Finally dead. And yet, there was no weapon on the boat. He looked to Clyde, who just looked down, biting his lip. Nope. And then he looked to the shore and saw a blaster, er, pistol, in the arms of Kevin Stoley, standing next to Red Tucker. "...the fuck? Star Wars kid?"

"Sorry about the mess!" Kevin winked, laughed and tossed the weapon into the bushes, then looked at them, "You guys okay?" he asked as the boat began to near the shoreline. Clyde ran off the dock and towards Kevin and Red as well.

"Yeah, we're fine." reported Token, "But the boat is destroyed... thank God I didn't ask my parents to borrow one of their's." he shook his head.

"Yeah, they might've only given you $90 for an allowance this w-week." Jimmy said, laughing at his own joke. Token glared, but it fell on deaf ears, er, eyes. The boat finally reached the shore, Craig hopping off, and helping Jimmy over, before Token joined them. Tweek got out of the water, stretching.

"Nngh, well, we killed the shark, and we're all okay now!" he said with a gleeful twitch, "Everything's back to normal!" Tweek said. Red shot him an angry look but he didn't seem to notice.

"Yeah, and you know what? I learned something today. I-" Clyde began when there a handcuff was clipped around his wrist, "The hell?"

"You kids are under arrest for killing a Tardicaca Shark." Officer Barbrady informed with a sneer, "They're an endangered species like the Black Rhinoceros, the River Dolphin, the Giant Panda, the Jackovasaurs, the Mexican Staring Frog of Sri Lanka, and intelligent fathers on television." Additional police officers appeared and cuffed each of the kids, including Kevin and Red.

"B-but we're supposed to do our big end-of-the-fic speeches now." Red protested, but the cops said nothing as they herded them into the police cars.

"Tell that to the judge downtown." said one of the officers as they pushed the kids into the first of two police cars, Barbrady taking the wheel.

"Come on, who really gives a crap? Sharks are just a bunch of assholes." Craig said as he was cuffed, his friends nodding in agreement.

"Godammit, my boat! They destroyed her, Ned! It's worthless! Do you know how much that thing was worth? I never even took out an insurance policy! It'll cost a fortune to rebuild!" Jimbo said in disbelief, having stepped out of the other car. Craig peered out the window to see him when he ran towards the car, leaving Ned behind and taking out one of his weapons and hitting the window.

"Mr. Kern, we need to get these kids into custody." Barbrady insisted as two officers escorted Jimbo and Ned back to their car. "Now, you kids, need to understand something, it's not okay to persecute animals for their species, okay?"

"What do you mean? That shark killed like, three people!" Clyde said, trying to work off his handcuffs, but Barbrady shook his head.

"NNGH, yeah, we had to kill it! It was like Jaws!" Tweek twitched, "You can't trust sharks!"

Barbrady explained as he drove, "You kids need to understand animals are just like us in a lot of ways. And sometimes, sometimes, animals go crazy and go on killing sprees. But you know what? So do people! That was just the Jeffery Dahmer, or Ted Bundy, or John Wayne Gacy, or whatever, or the shark world, okay? So don't go giving out your own form of justice. I mean, come on, you're not exactly Coon and Friends." Clyde and Token snickered. "Do you kids understand?"

"Did Stan Marsh write that speech for you?" Kevin asked.

"You guys, I'm really sorry." Clyde apologized, returning to the true theme and away from the misguided conservation effort, "I shouldn't have abandoned you. We're buds and we need to stick together, through thick and thin. 'cause sometimes being friends isn't about agreeing on the same stuff, or hating the same stuff, it's about just, you know, being there for each other. And all that gay stuff."

"Clyde, stop apologizing you pussy." Craig crossed his arms.

xXx

"Dude, that was the best adventure we've ever been on!" Kyle cheered as he, Cartman and Stan were walking down the sidewalk towards Stark's Pond, "I can't believe Ike knows the Prime Minister of Canada! I mean, who saw that coming? It was the best plot twist ever!"

"Screw that, dude, did you see how Cartman and my dad took out Kim Jong-il?" Stan noted, "I mean, it was like nothing! They made like, the perfect tagteam! And then when-"

"Now, now, you guys, don't go rehashing the whole story, I mean, come on, we all know what happened, right?" Cartman told them, "Hey, how about we go for a swim at Stark's Pond? It's pretty warm out today." Cartman said.

"Wow, fatass, a good idea for once, someone should mark the calendar!" Kyle laughed.

"I think I still have my bathing suit in my backpack from when we fought off the French Secret Service." Stan said, "You guys?"

"Yep, let's go!" Kyle nodded as the three boys skipped towards the water eagerly, not noticing the lake's waves being penetrated for just a second by a fin...

 **The End**

 _A/N:_ The following is the original unedited listing I kept of trivia and references during production, which oddly excluded chapter 4. I'll redo this part later as well:

 **South Park References:**  
* The teenage girls in the beginning are the same unamed ones in "Clubhouses" in Season 2  
* Craig loves Red Racer as seen in "Tweek vs. Craig" from Season 3  
* Clyde likes tacoes in "Cherokee Hair Tampons" (Season 4) plays World of Warcraft and reads Playboy in "Make Love, Not Warcraft" (Season 10) and finally, had lice in "Lice Capades" (Season 11)  
* Clyde and Bebe are dating in "Clubhouses" and "The List" from Seasons 2 and 11 respectively.  
* Jimmy is no longer a virgin as of "Erection Day" in Season 9.  
* Yes, just three fics ago several characters were on a boat. Tweek can break the fourth wall!  
* Nathan was raped by a Lake Tardicaca Shark in "Crippled Summer" from Season 14.  
* Darryl Weathers is the 'They tooker jerb' guy from Season 8's "Goobacks", Season 13's "Margaritaville" and "W. T. F.".

* Clyde cries in several episodes, including "It's Christmas in Canada", and "Fatbeard"  
* Bebe wanted to be a marine biologist in "Bebe's Boobs' Destroy Society"  
* As of "Royal Pudding", Mr. Mackey's father has been taken by Tooth Decay.  
* Clyde's loved tacoes since "Cherokee Hair Tampons"  
* In "Quest for Ratings" we learn that Clyde may only have on testicle.  
* Clyde does have some kind of bag as of "Mystery of the Urinal Deuce", but my memory is foggy.  
* According to "Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000", Clyde is fat.  
* In "Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes", a Wall-Mart was built over Stark's Pond.

* The old mechanic, Judd Crandall, was in "Butters' Very Own Episode", "Asspen" and "Marjorine"  
* Graphic rape and shark whistle stuff is all from "Crippled Summer"  
* Token's TupperWare mask is the same one he uses as TupperWear in "Coon 2: Hindsight", "Mysterion Rises" and "Coon vs. Coon and Friends"  
* Science as God is of course from "Go God Go"/"Go God Go, Part II".  
* Mephesto learned cloning techniques in "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig" but this ability was mentioned again in "201"

 **Cultural References:**  
* "Help! Police!" is a catchphrase from Futurama  
* The opening scene contains references to Freddy vs. Jason and of course Jaws.  
* Tony Stark is the main character of the films Ironman and Ironman 2  
* Tweek is of course referring to the classic film Jaws  
* Quint is the name of a character in novel and film Jaws

* More references to the 1975 classic "Jaws" - they'll keep comin', folks.  
* "Varan" is a 1958 Toho Studios film about a giant spiked monster attacking Japan, and yes, that's how they defeat it.  
* Master Baker is, well, a pun on Masturbator.  
* Tyler Perry's movies and shows are mostly about African-Americans, something South Park itself has satirized in the past.  
* George Lopez's "The George Lopez Show" dealt with a Latino family.  
* "Brokeback Mountain" is about two cowboys. Who happen to be homosexual.  
* "Batman: Arkham City" is a video game. Not much else to say.

* Judd Crandall is a character from the film Pet Semetary.  
* Clyde's tea is the same flavor preferred by Cpt. Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek: The Next Generation  
* Terrance's middle name is Sheldon, ala Sheldon Cooper from "The Big Bang Theory"  
* A few of Kevin's lines when speaking with Mephesto are taken from the 1931 film adaption of Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein"

" **Fun Factoid** \- Craig's father Thomas died in the original version of this fic, and was going to die again here during the third chapter. He was reprieved as I dealt with the death of Red's mother and decided we didn't need a high body count in here."

 **Commentary:** TBA


	13. The Girl Who Loved Cartman

_A/N:_ This one I'm actually still proud of, all these years later. That's not something you'll hear me say again! Probably some formatting errors to fix yet.

There is one shameful little thing - I did throw in a few non-canon characters during one sequence, and it's the only one they appear, as some patients in the facility. Sorry folks.

 **Synopsis:** Someone is in love with Cartman. The boys discover a girl at South Park Elementary wants vengeance on Eric Cartman for the death of her father in an accident. Heidi Turner s pursuit of revenge leads her to discover the truth behind Cartman's origins.

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"The Girl Who Loved Cartman"**

 **(Season 1, Episode 8)**

by John

(Originally Posted February 2012)

 _Two Years Earlier..._

 _"Where is our daughter?" A man in a green sweater stood, green eyes narrowed. He looked to be in his mid-forties and had dark brown hair. Next to him was his wife, a woman in a pink, layered shirt with blonde hair and a jean skirt who looked to be in her late forties._

 _Heidi Turner left her seat and looked back at them, "Dad?" Oh no. Her parents were here. Fuck she was going to be in so much trouble..._

 _"Heidi, you're coming home this instant!" He was mad all right. Heidi gulped, opening her mouth to speak, to stand up for herself instead of taking it-_

 _"We are saving your daughter from the clutches of Hell, suh!" came Eric Cartman's voice as he hopped up and pointed at Mr. Turner. He was playing a preacher this time, dressed in a little suit and up on a stage in their makeshift Church._

 _"You're not gonna make my daughter part of your cult!" he replied angrily, shaking his fists. This kid was getting on his fucking nerves, thinking he could control his family like this, thinking he could control anyone's family. Some people need to learn how to raise their kids._

 _"Your daughter could die tomorrow, and then what?" Cartman challenged, narrowing his eyes. Heidi looked to Cartman, then to her father. She heard a small cracking noise, as was common in the Church, and dismissed it._

 _"You're just a stupid little fat kid who thinks that-" SMASH. A piece of wood from the roof fell, bounced off his head to rest beside him, and completely knocked him out._

 _"Stephen?" Mrs. Turner said in disbelief, genuflecting down, "Stephen, No!" Cartman and the other kids began to speak as well, but Heidi simply stood and stared at her mother and father, "Stephen, Stephen, Stephen..."_

xXx

(Present)

"Heidi, have fun at your sleepover with your little friend, Annie." Mrs. Nancy Turner, now looking far older than she did before, and her hair dyed reddish-brown, "And remember, honey, we do not talk about the family's financial records, okay?"

"Yes, Mom." her daughter Heidi replied impatiently, dressed in her pyjamas, "Goodbye." she added quickly as her mother kissed her lightly on the forehead and drove off. Heidi rolled her eyes and walked up to knock on Annie's front door.

"Oh, hi there!" greeted Mrs. Julie Knitts, Annie's mother. The Knitts were known for their eccentricity, and Julie was no exception - she was in her mid-thirties, already uncomfortable with her age and known for trying to be 'hip' and young, much to her daughter's anger. "You must be Heidi. Annie and her friends are in her bedroom. You're the last to arrive. Would you like a Pepsi?"

"I'm not really a Pepsi person, Mrs. Knitts." Heidi admitted with an honest shrug as Julie moved aside for her to enter, "I've always kinda preferred Coke. So who else is here exactly?" Back to the topic at hand.

"Oh, just the girls, you know! And please, call me Julie!" Julie laughed at herself, "It's just Annie, Red, Millie, Lola, Bebe, and Esther." she led her up the stairs, "They're just playing some games right now, why don't you join them?" she offered,

"Yeah, that sounds fun. Which room is hers? Second on the left?" Heidi asked, kind of sick of Annie's mother being such a chatterbox.

"Yeah, you just go on in, I'll be with you girls soon. I just have to finish up some stuff downstairs." Julie smiled and dashed downstairs. Heidi rolled her eyes at her friend's pathetic excuse for a mother and entered the bedroom. Annie, Red, Esther, Lola and Millie smiled, waving and greeting her, and Bebe wasn't far, glaring over at Heidi. "Hey there, Heidi, what took ya?" Esther asked.

"Stepdad lecturing me on boys again. Pffh, ever since our last slumber party he's convinced every girl is a boy in a dress." Heidi sighed, "So what exactly are we playing? Truth or Dare I'm assuming? That's always the favorite party game around here, isn't it?"

"Ya know it." Millie smirked, "Ah thought of it, though course it s Annie's party; she had to 'pprove of it, y'know. Ya missed out, she did everyone's palm readin's. Ah'm gonna be a'ttractive and I'm gonna marry a real sweetie."

"Yeah, and Red's going to die young and I'm going to be whisked to the stars." Esther rolled her eyes cynically, whispering, "Annie's pretty cool mostly, but you have to admit all the psychic-Earth stuff is kind of crazy."

"Awh lay off the poor gal, Essie 'snot her fault. Ah think i's pretty neat myself. Anyway, le's get this party started." Millie took out the bottle and put it in the middle of the girls' circle.

"Yeah, Annie should spin first." suggested Red, "Remember girls, nothing gross and dyke-ish... although gay guys are totally cool." The girls nodded in agreement before spinning the bottle around and around. And then it landed on Red, naturally. Payback's a bitch, "Oh fuck."

"Red, who do you have a crush on?" Annie asked eagerly. Red's skin turned the same shade as her hair and she lowered her eyes,

"Oh, well, uh, it's this guy in our class... and, um, his initials are K. - do I have to say it?"

"We all know who it is anyway." Esther said cynically, "Okay, you spin." Red spun and this time it landed on Lola, "Oooh, truth or dare?"

"Hmm... dare!" Lola crossed her arms, a confident 'Challenge Accepted' sort of look on her face.

"Prank call Mr. Mackey!" Esther replied eagerly, taking out her cell phone and typing in *69, as was customary for this sort of thing. She handed the phone to Lola,

"Hello, m'kay, who's this?"

"Uh, your daughter ran over my dog!" Lola took the most popular route, using a fake Indian accent, "Your daughter ran over my dog!"

"Uh, I don't have a daughter, m'kay." Mr. Mackey answered, eyebrow raised.

"I said your daughter ran over my dog!" Lola feigned the accent further, "Your daughter riding car and she back up over my dog!"

"Well, Mr. Indian Person, I guess I'll go tell my so-called daughter to, uh, not run over your dog again, m'kay?"

"I'm going to fuck your daughter, she ran over my dog." The girls held back their giggles.

"Uh, excuse me, sir?"

"Your daughter needs to fuck."

"M'kay, look, I'm just gonna go watch Dancing With the Stars, m'kay? M'kay." Dialtone. The girls all giggled.

"Good accent, but we need to pick someone better next time, Mr. Mackey sucks." Red laughed.

"Oooh, ooh, I'm not late am I?" Julie joined, making space in the circle, "You know how hip I am girls, let me join your game." Annie facepalmed, "So, whose spin?"

"Uh, well, Mrs. Knitts, it was Lola's turn to spin..." Bebe explained.

"Oooh, goodie!" Mrs. Knitts grinned. The girls looked around awkwardly as she spun the bottle around and soon it landed on Esther, who raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, dare." Esther said quickly, "Do your worst!"

"Hmm..." Mrs. Knitts tapped her chin. "How about you eat a sandwich with, uhh... what do we have in the fridge that's disgusting... tartar sauce, liver, lima beans, hamburger meat, mixed vegetables, coffee powder, jalapenos, melon, ketchup and mustard and squash."

Annie raised an eyebrow, "Dude, that's fucked up."

"I'm game." Esther said confidently, moving to the stairs.

"Hey, no, we need to go with you!" Lola protested.

"How about you just go make it, Lola, and bring it up? You can have immunity for the next round!" Red promised,

"Besides, we need to keep going if we're going to be done in time for a movie before bed, and we can't stop now." Bebe added.

"Pft, I bet we're going to be watching a stupid chick flick." Heidi shook her head, "Stupid romancey movies, blech." she told Bebe with annoyance. The two girls glared at each other and the storm clouds of war began a swift approach.

"Fine, fine. God, if you guys are just going to fight, I'll leave and get the stupid sandwich." Lola left them, pretty pissed but at least she wouldn't need to hear Bebe and Heidi getting snippy. It was amusing sometimes, but God, could those two get petty. After she left, Esther grinned and spun, shaking her fists with glee.

"Someone sure seems awful excited!" Mille laughed at Esther, who shook her head with a grin as the bottle began to slow down, finally stopping pointed towards Heidi. "Truth or dayre?"

"Truth." Heidi replied, unwilling to do stupid things for other peoples' entertainment, because fuck that, she was way better than that kinda shit. She was playing it safe, and there was nothing wrong with that. Whatever, fuck you.

"Who do you hate the absolute most?" Esther asked, smirking enthusiastically. Heidi's demeanor changed, her eyes narrowing, her arms crossing.

"Eric. Theodore. Cartman." she said, "That fat bastard killed my father and my life hasn't been the same since! My stepdad's overprotective as fuck, my mom's depressed and insane, and I can't even have sleepovers at my house anymore! Plus he's fat and gross and never shuts the hell up. If it's the last thing I do, I'll get revenge on that prick."

"Yeah, he's a total douchebag." Esther shook her head, "Tore up one of my drawings once!"

"He called me a freak once when I was checking Google News between classes." Annie said bitterly.

"For once, I agree with Heidi, he's a fat piece of shit." Bebe replied. Mrs. Knitts looked utterly confused and broke eye contact with the girls, letting them speak amongst themselves, now a forgotten fact.

"Who doesn't hate him?" Millie chuckled.

"I dunno, didn't Wendy kiss him once?" Red asked, smirking. The other girls looked around,

"Yeah, you're right!" Heidi laughed, beginning to calm down,

"Hey, come on, she didn't kiss him, guys." Bebe came to her best friend's defence, "Cartman was distracting her, she couldn't go on unless she shut him up. Besides, look at her, has anyone really seen her since she and Stan split up?" They all exchanged nervous looks.

"It's time someone taught that fat piece of shit a lesson." Heidi punched the palm of her other hand, "That asshole needs to get what's coming to him!"

"Heidi, hey, relax, what are we going to do about it? He's invincible." Red said, "I heard this one kid pissed him off, so he ground up his parents and fed them to him."

"What!?" Mrs. Knitts said in disbelief, "He what?" Millie swatted the air,

"It's an ol' urban ley-gund, well known 'round town about now." Mille explained as Mrs. Knitts opened her mouth to speak but shut it, sighing.

"He's an asshole." Annie said, "No two ways about it."

"Well then why don't we do something about it?" Heidi said angrily, "I mean, he's just a ten-year-old punk kid. It's not exactly a terrorist leader we're talking about here."

"Oh, relax, Heids, we're having a sleepover. You need to have a little fun." Esther chuckled. "Look, we're going to watch Mean Girls and then have a Glee marathon. Sound good?"

Heidi looked away, deep in thought, but sighed, "Yeah, sure, sounds good..." Lola staggered up, putting down the plate in front of Esther,

"Here's your damn sandwich." And then she laid back on the floor and dozed off quickly.

"You okay?" Annie asked, "What happened?"

"Have you assholes looked at the clock? I need some sleep."

xXx

Eric Cartman sat in his room at his computer, webcam on, "Okay so, you've sent me the money, right? We doing this or what?" he said, crossing his arms, "Okay, good, there's the notification e-mail. All right, you get ten minutes, okay?" Cartman pulled up a gallon of ice cream, took out a spoon, scooped some up and began eating, "Yeah, you fucking like that, don't you? You love when I fucking feed myself? Yeah. You like them big boned don't you?"

"Oh God, yes, please, more.. you're eighteen, right?"

"Of course I'm eighteen. I just look young cause I'm so, uh, busty." Cartman took another mouthful of ice cream, "Yeah, you fucking like that you dirty whore? I'm going to eat this whole fucking bucket of ice cream."

"This is the fucking hottest thing I've ever seen..."

"Yeah, you would like that, you stupid little piece of shit." Cartman smirked - this was too fucking easy. He spooned more ice cream in, "So how much do you usually pay for these things?"

"Oh, well the usual charge is-""

"Hon, could you come here?" came Liane Cartman s voice from outside of the room. Cartman sighed - why was his mom always ruining his business.

"Sorry Russell, just hold on, I totally won't deduct this from your time." Cartman promised, taking another spoonful of ice cream, and leaving his room and going downstairs, "Fucking stupid mom always ruining my goddamn sweet plans, freakin' lame..." he reached the bottom of the stairs and turned to see his mother, Dr. Doctor, Butters Stotch and school counsellor Mr. Mackey in the living room, "What is this? A support group of people I hate the most? Guess Stan and Keehl didn't get the invites, hahaha!"

"Eric, poopsiekins, sit down on the couch. We need to have a serious talk." Liane patted the spot next to her. Cartman raised an eyebrow and took his seat,

"The fuck is going on?" Cartman asked.

"Eric, we've been monitoring your behavior for two years now, m'kay, and the fact is you're out of control." Mr. Mackey explained.

"Out of control?" Cartman said, incredulous, "I'm not out of control, I totally have control over myself. God, come on, what the hell do you people want?"

"Look, the fact is Eric, there's no doubt left in our minds you're suffering from some kind of psychological trauma. We don't know what it is, but the fact is simple psychology can help us realize exactly what's wrong with you." Dr. Doctor explained, "Well, simple psychology and some tender, loving medication." Liane caressed his back as Cartman looked down in disbelief,

"The fuck!?" Cartman said, "I haven't been through any psychological trauma, godammit, I'm your average, American fourth grader!"

"Eric, you killed the Tenormans, m'kay." Mr. Mackey reminded them simply, crossing his arms. Cartman rolled his eyes,

"That was just one time."

"No, it wasn't, m'kay. Mr. Adams?" And right on cue, Cartman's case worker, Mr. Adams, came in, standing next to the couch.

"Sorry, I took so long. But at least I didn't take as long as Joe Paterno did!" Mr. Adams grinned,

"...um, Mr. Adams, isn't that a little bad taste? Joe Paterno did pass away a short while ago after all." Liane said carefully, "Maybe we should stop-"

"I'm just making a joke; we like to have fun here. Do you have my headshot?"

"Yes, m'kay, we all have your headshot. Mr. Adams, you have Eric's casefile, could you read us some examples of why he's out of control, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey asked. Butters got up on the couch and patted Cartman on the back for support. Cartman pushed him down back on the floor and crossed his arms in silence.

"Well, it says here you... killed the Tenormans, pretended to be disabled for personal gain, tried to exterminate the Jews, restarted the Civil War, plagiarized and cheated on homework multiple times as well as ditching school, lead small-scale anti-government revolutions, nearly had Family Guy cancelled, have given children AIDS and nearly had several more molested, held up a Chinese restaurant, lead a group of Somalian pirates, driven multiple nannies insane, have tried numerous times to kill, maim or injure Kyle Broflovski, bought hundreds of AK-47's... the list goes on, Eric, and that's just the first page. It's longer than the Penn State case file, and I'm not even trying to have fun with that one."

"M'kay, Eric, we understand you suffer from multiple personality disorder, anger management problems, an addiction to KFC, and were raped or molested on at least three occasions, not to mention at one point we kinda... threw you under a bus..." Mr. Mackey sighed, "But all these problems must have a psychological basis somewhere, m'kay, and we need to find out what that is."

"So, what, you want to send me to some stupid therapy group with a bunch of assholes who cry about their problems?" Cartman crossed his arms, "I know Stan has to go to one of those for his stupid Asperger's Syndrome. This is bullshit."

"Lemme handle this..." Butters begged, finally speaking up as he put a hand on Cartman's shoulder, "Look, Eric, we're all real worried about you, 'cause even though you seem mean all the time, we know deep down there's a real swell guy in there who's just scared to come out. We just want you to go to therapy because we want to bring out the real you." he smiled.

"...Butters... I'm going to tear off your dick and shove it down your throat until you swallow it, then take a piss in your esophagus until you have to vomit your own penis back up on the floor. Do you understand?"

"Aw, hamburgers...well, I tried, Ms. Cartman." Butters shrugged. "Can I go home now?"

"Not yet." Dr. Doctor said, "Eric, from now on, you're going to see Dr. Steven Marshall three days a week at the Park County Institute of Psychology. He's worked with you before; he used to do anger management classes."

"Oh no, not that asshole again!" Cartman crossed his arms, "I am not working with him!"

"It could be worse, Eric. At least you're not getting therapy at Penn State!" Mr. Adams laughed hard at his own joke.

"Poopieskins, please, we just want you to get better." Liane asked. Cartman sighed,

"Fine, but ONLY if you people fucking LEAVE ME ALONE as long as I take this class. Do we have a deal?" Cartman asked. Dr. Doctor, Butters, Liane, Mr. Mackey and Mr. Adams all looked at each other,

"All right, Eric, we'll leave you alone to the best of our abilities." Nothing like twisting terminology to your own convenience.

"Good, now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play Skyrim." Cartman got up and began walking towards the television to turn on his Xbox,

"All right, but just for an hour, we have to get to the Institute of Psychology in a few hours." Liane informed him as everyone else got up and began preparing to leave again.

"Whatevuh, I do what I want."

xXx

"Well, you certainly have an impressive resume... extensive knowledge of health and safety, particularly in relation to food... unpaid work, shows you have value things besides money... worked in a variety of environments and dealt with people of all backgrounds... close study and knowledge of child development, resourceful and able to apply useful life skills and able to work as a team or independently." Principal Victoria said, "Everything seems to be in order, I suppose. Welcome aboard, Mrs. McCormick!"

"I'm glad to be a part of your staff team!" Carol said, shaking her hand excitedly, "Ah ain't had a real job in a while, 'cuz my hus- er, 'cuz the economy sucks so damn hard." she justified.

"Well, we've lost a lot of our staff in the past few months boy howdy... Ms. Ellen, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Slave, Ms. Crabtree, Chef, Ms. Stevenson, Coach Connors... not to mention most of them died tragically and horribly." Principal Victoria shook her head, "Either way, welcome to the team!"

"Oh, about the background check, ah-"

"Oh, we don't bother with those anymore. We have a teacher here who was involved with some paedophiles, one who was in a major cult, and another one who's been to rehab and seems to have anger management issues. I doubt you can top any of that!"

"Thank you, thank you! When do ah start?"

"Tomorrow at seven in the morning, report to the Kindergarten classroom. Try to dress a little more formally?" Principal Victoria asked. Carol merely grinned,

"Oh, all right, thank ya, thank ya, it's really an honor!" Carol walked outside, grinning ecstatically. Finally things were starting to look up for the McCormicks after a tough few months, uh...years...

"So what did you tell her, honey?" Stuart got up from the chair outside Principal Victoria's office where he d been waiting as he saw his wife exiting the room.

Carol yawned, "Ahlive Garden, cuhmmunity service, waitressin' at the Peppermint Hippo, mafia dealins', and... the stuff we don't talk about." she replied, "Ah haven't been this happy since we got our babies back!" She actually hugged him.

Stuart was happy for once they were both on each other's good sides. He separated and grinned, "We gonna have t ..celebrate yer success tonight. So what class did you get?"

"Kindergarten."

"Oh man, Kindergarten? Best two years of my life!" Stuart grinned, but Carol only glared, "What?"

xXx

Stan, Kenny and Kyle stood on the porch of Kyle's house, holding NERF guns and wearing plastic helmets, looking about, "Goddamnit where are those Bosnians, Commander Broflovski?"

"I don't know, General Marsh." Kyle replied, "Hey, I think I see some in the bushes!" he pointed his gun and shot at the bushes,

"NGH! OH GOD I'VE BEEN SHOT AM I BLEEDING SOMEONE HELP!" Clyde and Token popped their heads out of the brush,

"Damnit Tweek, you suck at Americans vs. Bosnians." Clyde said with annoyance, both wearing war paint and holding stick weapons. Clyde was pretty sick of Tweek costing them the game every single time. "Can't you just learn not to scream every time you get shot and die like a normal Bosnian?" Kenny laughed. Stan and Kyle shrugged and hit Token and Clyde,

"This game's never fun with you guys." Token said, "You always change the rules. Me and Clyde quit... and probably Tweek, too." Token and Clyde turned and left,

"It's okay, Tweek, you can get up and go join your stupid friends." Stan rolled his eyes.

"B-but you guys hit me! I'M DEAD! I'VE FAILED MY COUNTRY! BURY ME WITH MY UNDERPANTS!" Tweek cried out as Stan took his leg,

"Ugh, come on guys, looks like we might have to pull Tweek home. Typical..." Stan complained, when they all stopped to hear a voice,

"Fellas! Fellas!" Butters arrived, breathing heavily, "You fellas won't believe it, but Eric has to see a psychologist now!" he explained.

Kyle thought for a moment, "...Butters, you're good at Math. The number of shits we give about Cartman is equal to or less than zero. Do you understand?"

"...no."

"Okay, you know what? Screw you guys, I'm not touching this one. I've had enough adventures to last me a while." Stan sighed, dragging Tweek off and away through the snow. Kyle, Butters and Kenny looked on,

"We're running out of friends." Kyle said.

"Anyway, I'm s-s pposed to call you guys over because Hei-Heidi Turner's lookin' for all of you. She says she needs to talk to you a-about Eric. I heard she wants revenge for him killing her dad back at that special little Church he built when we caught P-Priest Maxi with Clyde's aunt." Butters explained.

"Revenge? On Cartman?" Kyle looked down and sighed, "We better go see what she wants and make sure she isn't doing anything too fucked up. The last thing we need is another toy-induced nervous breakdown."

"Good point." Kenny nodded, "Lead the way, Butters."

Butters used a large stick as a cane, hobbling and walking forward as he lead them away to the direction of Heidi's home.

xXx

"All right, Brenda, let my next appointment in. " Dr. Steven Marshall said into his intercom. He was wearing a green sweater over his usual buttoned white shirt, pushing his glasses back up his nose, " And call Dr. Lecter across the hall and tell her someone from the Post Office dropped off a package for her. " Marshall stretched and moved to the next page in his notebook as the door opened and Eric Cartman entered, " Oh no, not this asshole again. " he mumbled, before clearing his throat, " Ah, Eric Cartman, it's... awesome... to see you again. " Choose your words carefully, Steven.

" What's up, Doc ?" Cartman quipped, crossing his arms as he sat across from Marshall in a chair. What a load of fuckin ' bullshit, he has to sit through a stupid psych session with this asshole again ? Couldn't he get someone cool, like that old therapist Butters had who peed on him ?

"Apparently your mother is worried about your psychological health. I'm... sure that your psychology is... totally awesome... but I think we should talk, just in case. Is that okay ?" Marshall asked, unwilling to end up like his dear wife.

" Oh, that's cool then. " Cartman said. There was a long pause, " So what are we talking about here ?"

"Well, Eric, let's take a look at things... how about you tell me a little about your family ?" Marshall asked, because they had to start somewhere.

" Well, there's my mam, she's okay I guess - I mean she does what I tell her, but she takes a long time sometimes, and she can be kind of whiny, and God knows if a guy's over, I'm meaningless. One time she had this Dog Whisperer guy over and he treated me like an animal. And one time she was upstairs with these two guys I've never seen before or since and I had to get the door by myself. And she grounded me when my stupid friend Clyde- "

"Okay, well, tell me a little about your father then. " Marshall asked. Cartman looked up, jaw dropping,

" M-my father ?"

"Well, yes, you do have a father don't you ?" Marshall asked. Cartman glared, getting up and moving by the window,

" Fuck you, asshole ! I don't have a father, okay ?" he said angrily, " I never did !"

"Never ?" Marshall closed his eyes, " Eric, if you have problems with your father, it's all right, we can discuss this and get past it, all right ? There's nothing wrong with having a bad father figure. A lot of people do. Surely, you have a father, even if something's happened to him. "

Cartman turned around, " Let me ask you something, you fucking prick ! Do you know how it feels when everyone you care about lies to you ? Do you know how it feels to find out that your teacher, your neighbours, your own fucking mother, all lied to you ? The whole town was in on it, too ! The whole fucking town ! All over a stupid fucking game ! Do you know how it feels to think your mother is your father for an entire year !?"

"Eric, maybe we should start from the beginning- "

"No, I'm not starting from the beginning ! The assholes lied to me - Chef, Garrison, Mephesto, Meem, Kyle's stupid Jew Dad, Stan's Uncle Jimbo and Ned, Chief Running Water, Mr. Hat, the Denver Broncos, the monkey guy... " Cartman turned, " everyone I ever trusted lied to me ! "Oh, Eric, your mother is your father, she just has a penis !'"

"Eric- "

"You want to know who my father is ? Jack Tenorman. Denver Bronco right tackle. " Cartman said, " My stupid slut mom slept with him at the Drunken Barn Dance ten years ago, and they all covered it up so the Broncos wouldn't have to deal with the scandal. And then Dr. Mephesto's asshole brother shot him to prevent him from telling me, and then for a year, a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, they kept me in that web of lies. If it wasn't for Mitch Connor- "

"Mitch Connor !? That son of a bitch !" Marshall remembered that name all too well.

" Shut your fucking piehole, Marshall ! If it wasn't for Mitch, I'd still be in the dark, but he sent me off to find the truth, and then it all came out. Jack. Fucking. Tenorman. All's well that ends well, you think ? No, not at all, because Jack Tenorman died a year ago. I know - because I'm the one who killed him. " Cartman said, " I killed my own father, and I fed him to my fucking half-brother ! Because of a FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME !"

"Eric, I can see, you're... very disturbed. Look, your father's dead, that's in the past though. You can't change that. You need to move on. "

"Move on ? You don't even know the worst part ! He was a GINGER !" Cartman said, " I have the Ginger gene inside me ! I could have a Ginger kid for all I know !" Cartman turned away, " You have no idea how it feels to know that I'm a part of something I hate... my worst enemy is inside of me ! My hair isn't red, my skin isn't pale, but deep inside, I'm... I'm a Ginger. "

"Eric, please, why don't we talk about something else like... your friends ?"

"I'm not in the mood to talk anymore, Doc. " Cartman got up, tossing a vanilla folder out, " There's my case file, asshole. " he said, moving towards the door, sneering as he pointed at Marshall, " Screw you sir... " he pointed towards the door, " ...I'm going home. " Slam.

Marshall's eyes were wide as he looked to the door, then picked up the vanilla folder, wondering what kind of crazy shit this kid has been up to. He had to figure out what was running through his mind.

xXx

Kevin and Karen McCormick sat on the couch watching television, Kevin shaking his fists with glee. One thing the family seemed to universally enjoy ( besides sex, drugs and booze, of course ) was old-timey television. Get Smart wasn't exactly quality programming by the standards of the modern era, but it was enough for the few cheap TV channels the McCormick family could afford. " Oh boy, ah sure love the old spy shows, donchu Karen ?" Kevin slurred happily.

" Yeah, I think I Love Lucy and the old Batman are still my favorites though. " she smiled as Smart picked up a shoe-phone, Kevin in stitches quickly,

" Heheh, that's a shoe, ya can't talk ter it, heheh !" Kevin laughed while Karen merely chuckled, " Oh man, ah'd love to be a spy when ah grows up !"

"Kids, I need to talk to you. " Stuart McCormick moved in front of the television, " It's really important, but listen... your mother has a job. And not like the old waitressing stuff, or washing dishes, she has a real job !"

"Uh, cool, can we watch Get Smart now ?" Kevin said, looking quite sad to have his show interrupted.

" Sure, that is if you don't want to join celebratory dinner. " Kevin and Karen perked up, " Yer mom and I stopped at McDonald's - it was expensive, but we got some plain hamburgers for everyone, even one fer Kenny !" Karen got up and hugged her father's leg,

" Oh, Daddy, we're getting a real meal this week ?" Despite the hardships, it was a tight-knit family and despite the drinking, the fighting and the occasional punch, Karen loved her father, and her father loved her.

" Yep. Get to the table, kids. " Karen and Kevin hopped over as their mother dispensed the food. Sure, to most people, McDonald's dollar menu is cheap, crappy food - oh, it makes you fat, ew, that's not real beef, blech, these fries are cold. But to a family of five that usually eats Pop-Tarts and frozen waffles, it was a blessing, a feast to behold. The family sat together, leaving an empty chair, burger dispensed. Kevin began to unwrap his burger, " Hey, we have to say grace first. " Stuart said, closing his eyes and putting his hands together in prayer, " Lord, we thank you for this incredible feast of possibly beef you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time making us suffer - "

"Stuart !"

"- We still give thanks. Amen. " Stuart grinned, " Goddamn am I hungry - so let's eat !" Stuart began eating his burger hungrily, tearing it apart.

" Hold on, one more thing... kids, what d'you usually do at Recess ?" Carol asked, crossing her arms, " I maht need some help with this whole teacherin ' thing. " she asked. Karen and Kevin looked at each other,

" Well, a-ah usually bug Shelly Marsh da whole time and ask her all sortsa questions, and then she calls me a turd and walks away. "

"I... don't usually do much... " Karen admitted. She usually played with her doll or sat at the side and watched Kenny and his friends, or even occasionally just stayed in and read or something - she wasn't very sociable, nor did she have a lot of friends.

" Maybe then ya can help me, Karen. I hafta watch the kids durin ' Recess tomorrow, I think, I could use some helpin ' out with this. " Carol asked her daughter. Karen looked down and thought for a moment - maybe it wasn't a good idea... but she could use some friends... she looked up and smiled,

" Sure, mom, I'd be glad to help you guys out... um, I can bring my dolly with, right ?" she held up her favorite pink princess doll.

" Awh, Karen, they're Kinda'gardeners, don't worry ' bout it, feel free to bring ' er along. " Carol assured her, picking up her burger, " Oh damn, this is really friggin ' good. Best thing I've eaten since- ah, well never mind... " she chewed slowly.

" Since when ?" Stuart asked, halfway through his own burger.

" I said never mind, Stuart, back off !" Carol said angrily before tearing another chunk, " Ah sweet Jesus thas ' good... "

"Hey, where's Kenny ?" Kevin looked around for his brother, " Is he sleepin ' off in that bed again ? Kenny, get your ass up, bro, we got food ! Food ! A'tual food !"

"I think he's off with his little friends Stan and Kyle again. " Stuart asked, " Swear to God, maybe that kid'd be more useful if he actually stuck around here a little more often... " Karen shook her head and hugged her dolly, " Oh well, stuff his burger in the fridge then. "

xXx

"Heidi, what have we told you about skating at school after hours ?" Mr. Anthony Turner asked, a chiselled-faced man in his early fifties with blonde hair and a moustache and a very muscular, if plump body. " You know I love you like my own daughter but Goddamnit, how many fines we have to pay before you learn to listen !" Nancy stood at his side, arms crossed, letting her second husband handle it. Her daughter needed to fix her behavioral problems - she'd always had a bit of a bad streak but ever since her father died, it was like Heidi had no respect for anyone.

" I know how to listen, I just don't care. I should be allowed to roller-skate wherever I want - I wasn't in any danger or anything, and Esther, Kelly and Annie were there with me anyway ! It was totally fine !" Heidi protested, crossing her arms. How dare her parents scold her for this ! What kind of injustice was this ? Wasn't this supposed to be a free country ?

"Just don't do it again, all right ? We don't mind you skating, that's no problem, but don't you just go skating wherever, okay ? Next time they send a fine, you're paying it, you hear me ?" Anthony said before turning and walking to the bedroom, sighing heavily. He needed to take his blood pressure pills already. This was the second time this month it'd happened, Jesus tap-dancing Christ...

" I'm going to go start on dinner, Heidi. You said you were inviting some friends over today ?" Nancy asked as she went back to the kitchen, getting out some food to prepare dinner while Heidi stood in the doorway, holding on to her backpack.

" Oh kind of, yeah, I'm just talking to them outside though. " Heidi said quickly, remembering if Anthony knew boys were around he'd skin them alive, " Won't be too long, I'll be back for dinner, promise. " she nodded, walking out the back door as her mother went to work chopping vegetables. She walked down the steps to her neighbour ' s house where she had agreed to meet them.

Butters was sitting with " And then, ya see, Fidel Castro and Jack Bauer fight this guy with red tattoos on all over his face and- "

"Butters that are not Fidel Castro, that's Liam Neeson and the guy with red tattoos on his face is named Darth Maul. " Kyle explained, " God, why would you even want to see Star Wars Episode I in 3-D ? It's a terrible movie. " Kyle crossed his arms. Kenny stepped forward,

" I liked it. "

"Shut up, Kenny. " Kyle yelled.

" There you guys are. " Heidi said, backpack on now, " I need your help. You guys are- hey, where's Stan ?" she looked around. Goddamnit, she needed all of Cartman's friends here, and Stan was missing. How was she supposed to do this without him ?

Kyle rolled his eyes, " Stan, Stan, Stan, everybody likes Stan, it's always about Stan !" he shook his head, " He's bringing Tweek home and then doing God knows what. Look, can't we do this without Stan ?"

"Ugh, fine, we'll manage ; maybe I can just text him later. " Heidi facepalmed, " You guys are Cartman's closest friends... but you ' re also his worst enemies. How often have you fought with him, Kyle ? How often has he put you through shit, Butters, or should I say, Marjorine ? And how often have you had to fight off the Coon, Kenny ?" They looked at each other, " Cartman's pulled a ton of shit, ruined so many lives, it's time we got revenge on that asshole once and for all. "

"Well, if you need his worst enemies, why isn't Wendy here ?" Kyle asked. Heidi shook her head,

" She's barely been around for a while and wouldn't even answer her phone earlier... "

xXx

RING. RING.

Wendy Testaburger laid on her bed, her face in a light blue pillow as muffled cries are heard, her arms wrapped around the pillow tightly. Her mother Deborah sits on the bed rubbing her daughter's shoulder comfortingly, and Wendy's father Sean stands in the doorway looking concerned, unsure how to help out. " It's okay, Wendy, there'll be other boys. What about that fat boy you used to like ?" Nothing - Wendy continued to cry into her pillow.

xXx

"Now look, if we want revenge, we need to find people who know the game. " Heidi explained, " But first, before anything else, are you three in with this or not ? Are we putting that fat piece of shit where he belongs ? You're all sworn to total secrecy, even under oath, remember that. " Kyle and Kenny exchanged looks.

" I don't know about this, Heidi, hasn't Eric been through a lot already ? I mean, his dad- "

"Don't you try to get me to sympathize with him, Stotch. " Heidi glared, " This is about justice, this is about freedom, this is about putting an asshole in his proper place. Do you understand ?" She put her hand out, and Kyle sighed and put in. Kenny did as well. " Stotch ?" Butters shook a bit, looking up, breathing in and putting his hand in.

" Good. Now, we need to think here, who in this town knows a lot about revenge ?" Heidi turned, rubbing her chin.

" Uhh, how about Professor Chaos ? He's the bringer of destruction and doom !" Butters suggested with an evil grin. The other children look at him with confusion, " What ?"

"Butters, we're not playing with any of your gay alter-egos. Tell Professor Chaos he can fuck off. " Kyle told him sternly, " Now let's think, who knows anything about revenge... "

"Ya might wanna try that little ranch on the edge of the woods. " came a voice. Kyle, Heidi, Kenny and Butters turned to see a familiar figure washing a dish in his doorway, wearing a brown apron saying ' Come And Get It ' and a paper hat. " Where that Jimbo feller and his buddy Ned live. They know loads about that kinda stuff. "

"Mr. Derp !" Kenny identified correctly.

" Oh no, not this asshole !" Kyle nosebridgepinched, having picked the trait up from his best friend.

" Oh, come on kids, I'm your school cafeteria chef, you know you can count on me, no matter what kind of crazy stuff happens !" Mr. Derp chuckled, purposely dropping his towel and slipping on it, falling down, " Uh-oh ! Haha, derp !"

"Stop trying to be Chef ! It's not funny !" Kyle said angrily, " Come on you guys ; let's go find Stan's Uncle Jimbo before this asshole starts throwing pies in his own face. " He turned and started walking away with Kenny and Heidi. " Hey, Butters, come on !"

Butters was laughing and clapping along as Mr. Derp broke the plate and slipped again, " Mr. Derp, you sure are funny, haha !" The other kids glared at him, " Awh, what is it this time, fellas ?"

xXx

Jimbo Kern sat at his computer desk in his, trying to ignore the ringing of a phone, " Ned, could you get that ? I'm in the middle of a good game of Carnivores, I think I might be able to bag myself a T. Rex !" he grinned, using the arrow keys to aim his weapon, " We gotta thin out their numbers !" He narrowed his eyes and pressed the- oh fuck, a Tyrannosaur just attacked him. Fuck. Game over. " Fine, Ned, I'll get it myself. " Jimbo got up and went to the phone, " Hello ?"

"Oh, hello Jimbo, it's Liane Cartman, Eric's mother. How are you and Ned today ?" came Ms. Cartman's familiar, sugary voice.

" Long time, no speak, Liane. Oh, everything's fine, me and Ned have been trying to get into them Huntin ' games since there's not that many animals left to hunt in the woods lately... I really gotta wonder why. You think it might have something to do with throwing those grenades in all the nests ?"

"I wouldn't know. Look, I was wondering if you could help me out with Eric, he's... having some difficult psychological problems lately and we're trying to get to the bottom of it but I just spoke with Dr. Marshall and apparently little Eric's been misbehaving with him, too. You spend a lot of time with my poopieskins and his friends, maybe you might know something ?"

"Well, Liane, Eric's kind of a tough nut to crack, Heh, I mean he does seem like a nice kid deep down, but something's definitely wrong with him. Why, when he was out hunting with my nephews Stanley and Kenny and that Jewish kid last, I remember Eric kept having Vietnam flashbacks the whole time. He almost spilled beer into his rifle, too. "

"Oh, Jimbo, I just don't know what to do, I've really tried my best as a single mother, but it's so hard to make a living in this economy. God knows I had to work the streets for years just to support us, and with all of Snugglebug's demands these days, it's hard to keep up. I'm working two jobs, but there's only so much being a receptionist and selling Avon makeup can pay for... "

"I don't know what to tell you, Liane. Being a single parent's hard, I'm sure, but I can't pretend to know how it feels. Stanley never wants to spend time with me and Ned anymore, and Kenny only sneaks around every now and then. But hey, maybe that's it right there. "

"What do you mean ?" Liane asked, unsure.

" Do you and Eric really spend any time together ?" Jimbo pointed out, " When I was a kid, I spent a ton of time with my dad out fishing and hunting and having all kinds of fun ' til he ran off when I was thirteen. " Liane sighed, " What ? Is somethin ' wrong ?"

"No, no, Jimbo, it's just... maybe that's exactly it. Dr. Marshall mentioned little Eric got very upset when asked about his father. " There was quiet lull - Liane and Jimbo both knew what the topic of discussion was, " Eric's never really had a father in his life... and we took away his one chance to have one. "

"Now don't say that, Liane, we didn't take anything away from him, it was all that bastard Mephesto's idea !" Jimbo said with slight annoyance, " None of us wanted to lie to him but dammit the Broncos were doing good that season ! You and I both know the scandal would've wrecked the whole year for us !" Jimbo sighed, " Look Liane, the damage was already done by then. Eric grew up eight years without a father and it still haunts him. "

"Maybe you're right... I might need to have a little talk with him. I have to get going to go pick Eric up now. Thank you, Jimbo. " Jimbo hung up the phone and turned to see Ned, with Heidi, Butters, Kyle and Kenny at her feet.

" Mm, we have some visitors. " Ned explained as Kenny took centre stage, being the prized honorary nephew after all.

" Kenny, how ya doing, son ?" Jimbo asked with a grin, " Been a while since you've come around here, what's up ?"

"We're trying to get revenge on Eric Cartman and we thought you'd know what to do. " Kenny asked, crossing his arms. He purposely left Mr. Derp out of the equation. " How do we fight him ?"

"Oh, that's easy. Now you kids need to remember - know your enemy. Observe your prey in its natural habitat. " Jimbo explained, " Learn everything you can. Per example, we know Chris Peterson listens to One Direction in the morning and Enrique Iglesias in the afternoon, has voted Democrat in every election since he could vote, owns a PlayStation 3, and is obsessed with My Strange Addiction. "

"Good, good !" Heidi began taking notes in a small notebook, " Brilliant ! So, how does one get to know their enemy in lieu of observation ? If there's no way to hide ?"

"Mm, that's a tough one. " Ned replied, " Maybe you could hire someone to do it for you. "

"Hey, hey, wait, I got it. " Jimbo snapped his fingers, " Eric has a psychologist, doesn't he ? Why don't you talk to him ! Doctor... oh, what was it... Marshall, yes, that's it, Marshall !" That conversation with Liane had come in handy after all.

" Hey, that's right ; he works at the Park County Institute of Psychology !" Butters grinned, " I bet he has loads of information all about Eric !" Butters clapped. Kyle, Heidi and Kenny all grinned with him.

" Thanks, Mr. Kern, Mr. Gerblansky, you've both been a big help !" Heidi continued writing down her notes, " Thank you again !"

"Mm anytime. " replied Ned.

" Yeah, come back any time you need it. And good luck with that whole revenge thing, huh ?" Jimbo said as the kids made their way to the door,

" See you, Uncle Jimbo !" Kenny called out last as they closed the doors behind them.

" Well, that went pretty good if I do say so myself. " Jimbo grinned, turning around, " Hold on, revenge on Eric ? Aw crap, Ned, we shouldn't have done that, should we ?"

"Mm probably not. "

xXx

 _Psychological Evaluation_

 _ERIC THEODORE CARTMAN_

 _by Dr. Stephen Marshall_

 _(June 8, 2012)_

Eric Cartman is a nine-year-old boy from South Park, Colorado, born on February 4th, 2003, born to Liane Cartman and Jack Tenorman. The first thing that must be understood is that Eric has been raised in an environment with only his mother for comfort. Liane's psychological state is defined by insecurity, both of herself, and her son, and as a result, she has showered him with toys and food to make up to him for his lack of a father, to make her feel useful, and more importantly, to fulfil her need for a friend. This maladaptive reinforcement caused Eric to develop a sense of entitlement, as he grew used to be showered with everything he wanted - Liane's pity for his lack of a father and self-pity for her own lack of friendship bred his selfishness.

Now, Eric was raised without a father, which has significantly influenced his development. With no male relatives in close proximity, and his father completely absent, Eric has had no close male figure to idolize and emulate - and thus had no true standards of 'manliness'. He only knew the feminine traits of his mother, and not to emulate that kind of behavior. Eric had nothing to rely on to reinforce his male identity and turned to classic hegemonic masculinity through aggression and egocentricity. His mother's lack of discipline meant he received attention for his negative exaggerated actions without getting due recourse. When placed in social situations, these formative early flaws became the basis of his peer interaction.

Eric has had a number of instances of treating those he considers friends extremely negatively. The honest truth is Eric's insecurity about his own masculinity and lack of positive social interactions of his own, or within his family to model himself on, has absolutely no idea how to treat a friend or peer. Therefore, he treats everyone the same - with equal rudeness and disrespect, which is why Eric has such a difficult relationship with his closer friends such as Kyle Broflovski, Kenneth McCormick, Stanley Marsh and Leopold Stotch. Eric desperately tries to prove himself to the others by being as masculine as possible, but this overcompensation has only alienated his classmates and friends. He also displays classic traits of the rejected child, suggested by Schaffer, such as unwillingness to share or engage in co-operative play as well as disruptiveness and argumentativeness.

The people Eric acts to hate the most - Kyle Broflovski, Kenneth McCormick, Leopold Stotch and Wendy Testaburger - seem to in fact be those he likes the most, but because he places so much weight on their opinions, his rather mediocre attempts to get them to see his side end up causing arguments and further socially isolating him, causing them to hate him and vice versa, except in the case of Leopold, who seems to do everything Eric asks of him, but usually incorrectly. In particular, Eric seems to harbour a special resentment-friendship with Kyle, and will seemingly speak of how much he hates or likes him, then contradict himself. Of his friends, it could be argued he actually hates Stanley the most, as he had almost nothing to say about him except that he was quote, "a cynical tree-hugging pussy faggot"

Eric's racism seems to be born somewhat environmental but amplified by a need to feel better than others as reinforced by his sense of entitlement. Judging from the fact his great-grandmother spent some time in Nazi Germany, I can best assume it originally hailed from there and was passed down through the family. Liane showed some vague signs of past racism, and given her previous tendencies towards inebriation, it is possible that this racism was witnessed then. Eric seems the type to have been imitative as a younger child, and likely parroted his mother's racism as a young woman while drunk, and further amplified it as he aged to help himself feel better than others and to feed into his own varied insecurities. This feeling of superiority is part of what comprises the very fabric that holds his fragile but well-protected psychosis from unravelling completely.

After the Scott Tenorman incident a year and a half ago (see 'Patient History' page) Eric's psychological chemistry seems to have altered significantly. While Eric has always had a somewhat lopsided view of the world in his favor, I find little evidence of deviation from the truth up until this point. After this point, Eric is delusional, twisting things in his mind in ways more serious than those seen in rapper Kanye West. He seems to have a psychological need to justify his actions, and can only do so by doing these 'mental gymnastics' to warp reality and his own memories to see things differently. In a way, it presents a hope: if Eric saw him for who he really was, he could potentially see the error of his ways. But as I've mentioned before, between his mental gymnastics and justifications, Eric's complex but fragile psychology is tightly locked up in safety.

Another clear reason for Eric's paranoia and insecurity is quite obvious - Eric could probably break the world record for fattest nine-year-old boy of all time. According to his health profiles from the Elementary School, he has the cholesterol levels of a seventy-year-old man, and his blood pressure is off the charts. Like his other traits, his fat seems to be inherited as a symptom of his mother's treatment of him as discussed above, and guessing from what little Ms. Cartman spoke of her own parents, I'd assume it's a trait he inherited. Why she herself is not fat, I haven't much of a clue, but I've heard about the health benefits of frequent sex before... this is of course, pure speculation on my part.

When it comes down to it, however, Eric's psychology is quite simple. He's spoiled by his mother due to her lack of friends and his lack of a dad. He has no appropriate role models, doesn't know how to behave, and over-reaches for popularity. His actions have become so despicable he can't look at himself without changing his own memories to suit his own favor.

xXx

Heidi Turner sat on her bed as she read it, astonished. She had no idea it was such a complex matter... it wasn't even the real Eric Cartman anyone really knew. It was how he saw himself that they knew. Perhaps, in a way, the real Eric Cartman, hidden so deep down, wasn't that bad. She slipped the file into her dresser as she pulled out her notebook to work on her plan. It was all coming together so perfectly... after recess, before class starts back-

"I Wanna Be, I Wanna Be, I Wanna Be Famous-" Heidi sighed and answered her phone,

"Hello?"

A worried, nasally voice came back out, "Heidi, it's Annie. Fashion emergency. Do I wear leggings or pants?"

Heidi stopped for a moment to compose herself, cleared her throat, then replied with annoyance, "...Annie, leggings are leggings you idiot, not pants! I mean Jesus Christ! You're fuckin' smarter than that, Annie!"

"Right, right, sorry... I knew you were the one to call." Annie replied, "I mean at least you're honest. I think that's why the girls keep you around, even if you are kind of a b- too much for them to handle."

"Hey... yeah, you're right. Honesty's the best policy and all that shit." Heidi smirked, "It takes a lot of work to be this popular, you know."

Annie was quiet, "Yeah, it's just, I think I'd look better in the leggings... but I guess I trust what you say... you really do know fashion the best out of everyone after all." Heidi shook her head. Annie was making too big a deal out of very simple fashion rules. How retarded did she have to be to think leggings were an acceptable alternate to pants? Really? Heidi shook her head,

"Look, Annie, why the hell do you guys keep me around? Most of you either hate or fear me." Heidi said cynically, one hand on the phone and the other on the bed as she interrogated Annie, "What's the deal?"

"I don't know... you've got a great fashion sense." Well that was the main reason Annie kept her around anyway.

Heidi rubbed her forehead - of course Annie was such a dumbass that she had to half-ass a compliment in mere surrender to her - showed how iron Heidi's grip was on these girls, "You're afraid of me, too, huh? I guess at least I'm not even footing with that dumb bitch Bebe and that smartass Wendy... well, not her, she's a friggin' pussy now just like her ex..."

"Heh, speaking of exes, Heidi, what do you think about Stan?" Annie asked quietly, "He seems really smart, and my tea leaves this morning said-"

"Really, Annie, you and Stan Marsh?" Heidi chuckled, "Please. Annie, you're a fuckin' weirdo. Tea leaves and auras and shit'll scare the fuck out of him. You'd have a better chance with friggin' Craig Tucker."

"Oh... maybe you're right..." Annie admitted.

"Goddamnit, Annie, you pussy, stop agreeing with everything I say. Have you no self-respect or dignity?" Heidi told her angrily, "All you ever do with us girls is go along with what we say or do and ask questions. Why not be your own individual self for a fucking minute?"

"...because you told me I'm a weirdo and I scare people?"

"Okay, Annie, you take psychology class, you're so goddamn smart, why don't you tell me what's wrong with me for real, huh?" Heidi said, "Do something useful for once." Heidi didn't expect her to say much, honestly.

"Well, first off, you used to be a pretty sweet, quiet girl, but after your father's death and your mom pretty quickly hooking up with your stepdad and being so iron-fisted all the time, you began to get meaner at school in a quest for popularity, I guess to supplant your home life, but since Bebe is the natural Queen Bee, you fixated a hatred of-"

"That was a rhetorical question, Goddamnit." Heidi sighed, "Look, I have to go. Later, Annie." she hung up. God, Annie was such a dumbass. It was late though, and now Heidi had little to do. She looked back into Cartman's file and looked through some of the papers when she noticed one with a tree-like graph on it: FAMILY ANCESTRY. Cartman was the product of Liane and Jack, Liane was from Harold and Mabel, Harold was born from Gilliam and Terry, and Mabel was born to Florence and... huh? No father? She knew Cartman's true heritage had been controversial but... perhaps she should pursue the issue of Cartman's great-grandfather...

xXx

"BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP."

Carol McCormick sleepily got up from the bed in her light blue bunny pajamas and slammed her hand down on hard on the source of the beeping sound, "Godammit, I'm tryin' a'sleep you piece'a shit..." She hated getting up. It felt impossible for her arms to hold up her body weight anymore, as much as she liked to think she was strong.

"Ow mom, what the fuck? I'm waking you up for work!" Kenny rubbed his nose, frustrated. This is why his parents couldn't keep jobs.

"Jus' gimme five more- oh shit, yer right, godammit Kenny, the job!" she got up and out of bed, "Yew get outta here, I gotta fuckin' change... shit, shit, shit!" Carol began tearing through the closet, looking for something to wear. She needed to look professional, that much she knew. How the hell did teachers dress?

Kenny quietly left the room, closing the door since his mother's breasts were probably the only ones he did not wish were in his face on a regular basis. (According to his dad, he was 'missing out' but that was irrelevant.) He then went into his own room to get ready.

In the parents' bedroom, meanwhile, Stuart stirred, "Gettin' ready for your first day, eh? 'atta girl!" He'd slap her on the ass if she was closer, and if he wasn't sober enough to remember last time he did that there were bruises.

"Fuck off." Carol said, "I ain't in the mood fer yer bullshit before work." she said as she unbuttoned her pajama top to change into a white button-down shirt, the only fancy thing she had left.

"Ya do realize yer bra's gonna show through that?" Stuart asked tiredly. Carol quickly put on an undershirt as well once the pajamas were off. Dick.

"Shut up, asshole, nobody'll care." Carol glared, rolling her eyes, "Most people will actually look at my fuckin' face, unlike yer grimy ass."

"Why the hell would they? Your face looks like a cheap drug whore now." Stuart replied from bed, "If you laid off the fuckin' meth, you might still be hot shit, or at least be able to afford makeup, but now all you have left are-"

"Fuck you, Stu." Carol shot back as she buttoned the white shirt, "If I could at least afford enough makeup to cover this fuckin' birthmark-" she pointed to her cheek, "-I'd be going out a hell of a lot more to begin with." she moved to the dresser, "Shit. Do I have any skirts?"

"Just that short number ya wear to Church. That's about it." Stuart said, trying to lay back down. The show was nice and all, but he'd had his fill for the day.

Carol turned and rolled her eyes, "Oh, put a goddamn sock in it. Fer someone who acts like you can't stand how I look, it sure is the only thing ya like to talk about."

"Only because we have a personality clash. Look, I'm gonna get back to sleep. Have fun at work, honey. I'll save you a scotch when you get home... probably just the one though." Stuart rolled over. Carol sighed. Not a skirt in sight. She went into one of the extra closets, pulled out an old rug that they'd spilled champagne on, looked both ways, then cut half of it apart and fashioned a skirt out of the thing. Well, it went to use at least. She stapled it together best she could - which was poorly - and went into the kitchen and pulled out a box of frozen waffles,

"Dinner, you sons of bitches!" Carol called out, as Kevin and Karen quietly and sleepily took their seats, Kenny quickly arriving for himself. She passed out the waffles, "Enjoy." She went by the bedroom and threw a waffle into the bed by Stuart, who punched into the air blindly. Dumb bitch trying to wake him up.

"Hey, gimme that waffle." Kevin snatched Kenny's waffle.

"Hey, leave him alone, he's got, uh, a headache!" Karen said, considering she knew mom used that to get dad to leave her alone.

"No I don't." Kenny raised an eyebrow, when Kevin bopped him on the forehad.

"How about now?" Kevin snatched the waffle, as Kenny rubbed his head,

"I think it's comin' on..."

"Good for you." Kevin rolled his eyes. "I have to eat extra 'cause I have a big spelling test tomorrow."

"Don't forget to dot your I's!" Kenny chuckled.

"Of course not!" Kevin proceeded to poke Kenny in both eyes, much to his younger brother's pain, chuckling to himself, "That'll teach ya, heheh."

"Kids, I'm leaving' for work!" Carol called from the door, "Wish me luck!"

"Bye mom!" Kevin called out, waving.

"Good luck mom!" Kenny yelled towards the living room.

"Make some money!" Karen called out. Her brothers glared, "...I'm just sayin' what everybody's thinkin'!"

"Why I oughta-" Kevin mumbled.

"G'bye kids." And with that, Carol slammed the door.

xXx

Terrance Mephesto grinned, "Well then, Ms. Turner, I should be able to have some information for you shortly. You're lucky my father already has Eric Cartman's DNA stored."

"Thank you, Doctor. Now you run along with your friends and I'll get to school. Give me the results as soon as they're available." Heidi replied, waving him off as she went off down the street. She doubted Terrance would yield much, but it was worth trying. Terrance shrugged and closed the door. Heidi was then stopped as she neared Kyle's house.

"Heidi, we need to talk." Kyle told her. Heidi smirked and turned around,

"I'm sorry, Kyle, but what's there to talk about?" she replied slyly. She'd anticipated this.

"I want in on the plan. I want to get my own revenge against that fat bastard. I've had more than enough of him. He's more than just the bane of my existence. That fat piece of shit has borderline rumoured my life numerous times, and I want to be the one to truly and absolutely humiliate him for once."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, you just don't understand, do you, Kyle?" Heidi crossed her arms.

"What's there to understand? Do you know what he has done to me?" Kyle sneered, approaching, "He has intentionally either tried to kill me or let me die several times, he s used me as a chew toy for his repressed homosexuality, he tried to blame freakin' 9/11 on me, every day after school for five minutes I have to watch him play in the school parking lot with a toy bulldozer and I can't even touch the damn thing, but worst of all... he spends every waking moment just criticizing and making fun of my religion. He'll make a Jew joke, or talk about how Jews control this or that... it's like he doesn't even realize what Judaism really is, he just thinks it's an insult."

"Oh, boo-fucking-hoo." Heidi turned her head, "Do you remember what Eric Cartman did to me, Kyle? Of course you don't, because you're so goddamn high and mighty. Do you know how it feels to lose someone you care about, Kyle? Do you know what it feels like when your father dies before your eyes, just trying to protect you from some heinous asshole? Do you know how it feels when some guy you barely know and never liked takes over your house and suddenly thinks he's your dad? Have you been through that, Kyle? Have you?" Kyle looked down, "Answer the fucking question, Broflovski!"

"I... I..."

"That's what I thought." Heidi spat, "You may think Cartman's screwed you over worse, but believe me, what he's done to you is fucking child's play compared to some of the lives he's destroyed. And I'm not alone. Scott Tenorman ring a bell, Kyle? No? I'm sorry, maybe you remember Sally Struthers? How about getting Mr. Garrison sent to jail, leading him on that whole confusing escapade with his sexuality? Hey, remember Dr. Marshall? His wife killed herself because of him. You think your life is so terrible because of him but you don't realize how much worse it can be." Heidi glared, "Now, Kyle, adieu." she turned and left.

"Dude... what the fuck?" Kyle said simply.

xXx

Carol McCormick stood in the bright and colorful Kindergarten classroom at South Park Elementary, singing quietly to herself as adjusted the posters and items in the room, "Don't need money. Don't take fame. Don't need no credit card t' ride this train... it's strawng and it's sudden and it's a cruel sometahmes, but it might just-"

"Mrs. McCormick?" came a gruff voice and she blushed and turned around to see Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey and Mr. Adler standing in the doorway, "We need to talk to you. Nice singing by the way." Mr. Adler mentioned.

"I, er, uh, sorry, y-ya weren't 'pposed to hear all that, heh..." Carol looked down, embarassed, "So what is it?"

"Well, we mostly just wanted to welcome you to the fold." Principal Victoria said, "You have a mailbox set up in the office, a cubicle in the employee offices, although as Kindergarten teacher it won't be worth much, and during the lunch hour they'll talk to you in the Teacher's Longue about the Union."

"Oh all right then." Carol said, "Speakin' of which, I was wonderin' if I'm allowed to go with the kids to Recess to watch? I figured it'd help me get a better feel for the kids to see them in their natural element n' stuff."

"That makes sense. Well, Recess is at around 11:30, m'kay, so just go outside and speak with the Groundskeeper about it, it shouldn't be too big an issue, m'kay." Mr. Mackey explained.

"So is there anythin' else I should be watchin' out for?" Carol asked, "It is my first day on the job an' all..."

"Well, there's Flora, that girl screws around a *lot*, I tell you what." Mr. Adler explained. "And Quaid, too, that kid just screws around for giggles."

"Ooh, and that little Filmore Anderson's quite a troublemaker. He bullies the other students, quite a bit." Principal Victoria says, "He thinks he's the smart one, makes Quaid do whatever he wants and generally is just a little douche all-around."

"I think he has an inferiority complex, m'kay." Mr. Mackey said, "And then there's Ike Broflovski, probably the smartest student in the entire school here, we're still waiting on the IQ test results, but let's just say he's three years old and he already knows calculus, m'kay."

"And Jenny Petuski barely ever cleans up, she's dirty all over. Kinda mouthy, too." Principal Victoria shook her head, "Oh, and there's Carlos Harris, you probably won't see that little boy much, he's in the hospital most of the time, some kind of cancer we think."

Mr. Mackey pointed out, "And Sally Bands, don't forget about her. She's a little know-it-all though, m'kay."

"Those are the main kids in the classroom anyway - Ike, Filmore, Quaid, Flora, Jenny, Carlos, Sally... The other kids aren't too much to look after, in this classroom at least. Not that they can't be a handful of course. But I'm sure you'll do better than our last four or so Kindergarten teachers this year."

"Try not to get too attached to the kids." Mr. Adler noted. "Uh, excuse me a moment." he went to the door and stuck his head out into the hallway, "Hey you out there!" Bill and Fosse, who were standing in front of a locker fighting over a notebook stopped, "Quit screwin' around. You're screwin' around too much again!"

"Hey! Heheh, you're gay!" Bill called out, laughing, "Heheh, told shop teacher he was gay."

Fosse giggled back at him, "Heheh, that's gay!"

"Hey, I told you to quit screwin' around! Where's that other boy you usually screw around with anyway?" Mr. Adler looked around, "The nerdy one with the tie and the long brown hair."

"Oh, Terrance? Heheh, he's over talkin' to some girl." Bill chuckled, looking at Fosse, who smirked.

"Heheh, that's gay."

"Well anyway, like I said, quit screwin' around, okay?" Mr. Adler replied, closing the door. Bill and Fosse looked at each other, then the door, then each other, then presumed fighting over the notebook.

xXx

Cartman, and Kenny stood at their usual bus stop, "'sup assholes?" he asked, "Any of you seen that pussy, Stan?"

"Screw you, Cartman." Kyle said, "We don't know where Stan is. Can't you do anything but be negative?"

"Well, you know, Kyle, with all this gay psychotherapy bullshit coming out of nowhere from my mom, that asshole Butters, the counsellor and my doctor, I was going to play nice today and leave you alone, but fuck that, you're on my shit list again, Jewboy!" Cartman said.

"Psychotherapy? Probably just what you need, tubby! Maybe one day you can even function as a productive member of society." Kyle told him.

"Jesus, Kyle, calm the fuck down." Kenny said, "You're acting friggin' irrational."

"And you!" Kyle turned around, "What the hell happened to you last night? We were in the middle of- an, an important mission, and you don't even show up to help and I'm stuck with fucking Butters! Huh!? What am I supposed to do?"

"Wait, what? You guys were doing what?" Cartman was kind of confused now. Isn't this supposed to be about him?

"Oh sure, I'm a problem. What happened to your best buddy forever, Stan? He didn't show up either and I don't see you yelling at him!" Kenny replied angrily. "You're a total douche to everyone except Stan, so go hang out with him instead if he means so much to you!"

"Oh, I'm a douche? Who's the one who's so selfish he just runs off and leaves us all the time, huh? Whenever we need you the absolute most, you disappear and abandon us!" Kyle crossed a line, now more angry than

"What? I've never disappeared on you guys!" Kenny replied incredulously.

"You do, all the time! It happens all the time! And you never remember it!" Kyle screeched, "You're a pussy you know that? You always just run away in the face of danger!"

"Kyle, shut the fuck up, because you don't know what the hell you're talking about! There is so much you just don't understand!" Kenny shook his fists.

"Guys..." Cartman whispered.

"You're the one who can't even stick by his friends for one night!" Kyle said, staring into Kenny's eyes, still pissed.

"Assholes!" Cartman said.

"Maybe if you'd accept the truth instead of living a fucking lie-" Kenny replied.

"Hey, dipshits, the bus is here!" Cartman said. Kyle and Kenny turned to see Mr. Venezuela looking down from the bus driver's seat. Today was one day they actually missed Ms. Veronica Crabtree.

"Oh, heh, right..." Kenny hopped up and was followed by Cartman, and soon Stan, breathing heavily. "There you are! What the hell happened?"

"My dad won't shut the fuck up about ponies... he kept me up all night showing me all the Applejack episodes..." Stan said, "I couldn't get any sleep last night... I swear to God I've never been so happy to see a fucking school bus..."

"You guys have fun!" Kyle waved them off, sighing. He forgot he was suspended. Godammit. Now what was he going to do all today?

xXx

Filmore, Quaid, Flora, Sally, Jenny, and Ike all sat in their seats around the large Kindergarten table, talking. Apparently Sally was sharing jelly beans with Quad yesterday, but Ike had lent her his Nintendo DS so she made plans to finger-paint with him instead of going ice skating with Flora who wants her help impressing- oh, who knows. The mind of a Kindergartener is more long and confusing than Titantic.

"Students, please settle down..." Principal Victoria entered the room with an absolutely fake smile, hands together, "Please meet your new teacher, Mrs. Carol McCormick." she moved aside as Carol walked into the room, bowing slightly.

"Uhh, howdy kids...?" she greeted unsurely. "Ahm Mrs. McCormick, ah'm twenty-seven, and ah'll be your new teacher. Any questions?" Filmore raised his hand, "Yes?"

"Why do we need another new teacher? And this one smells like the sewer."

"Filmore, you respect your new teacher!" Principal Victoria ordered, "Now, let me leave you to get acquainted. Mr. Class President," she looked at Ike, "If help your new teacher adjust to the classroom, properly, okay?" And Victoria left without another word.

"Well, I was thinkin' we'd start with some finger-paintin' so I could get to see what you kids are interested in." she explained, motioning to the items out on the table - paint sets and papers, of course. Filmore nudged Quaid and he raised his hand, "Yes?"

"Is it true you used to run a Meth lab and is that why you're so ugly?"

"Don't harass Teacher, Quaid!" Sally Bands said accusingly. Quaid's behavior was rude, stereotypical and he obviously didn't respect women in general. Little douche.

"Not ugly!" Ike called out. He hated being class president. These kids were fuckin' tough to manage, and Ike had more important things to do, like study the economic history of Syria, read Catcher in the Rye and try to figure out how the hell his dad is so good at that Peek-a-boo game.

"Kids, kids, come on, let's just get to finger-paintin' okay?" Carol insisted, checking the form for names "Ike, how about you be a dear and bring all the paper over, and um, Quaid, you can get the paints sets, okay?"

Quaid grinned as he moved by the paint sets, "Hey, Ike, are you screwing this one, too?"

"Quaid, one more burst out of you and I'm sendin' you to Mr. Mackey, d'you hear me?" Carol said angrily. Quaid looked down, but Filmore nudged him again, "I said d'you hear me?"

"Sorry ma'am, I'll be good, I'll be good!" Quaid got to work, whispering to Filmore, "Don't mess with this one, she means business." Filmore rolled his eyes. Teachers were his bitches. This wasn't something to argue.

"Now, uh, how about, uh..." Carol checked her form, "Jenny? I always liked that name... Jenny?" The little girl raised her hand, "Can you come over here and help me with attendance for just a sec?"

"I know where you live." the girl with curly black hair said as she approached. Carol raised an eyebrow,

"That's nice."

"My mommy says not to go over there."

"Your mommy can tell me that to my face at parent-teacher conferences." Carol replied bluntly, "Now, uh, which one is Filmore Anderson? The one that said I smelled like a sewer, right?"

"Hey, watch it, lady, or my Aunt Rosie O'Donnell will hear about this." Filmore cried out.

"Ignore Filmore. He's a bigger dick than the one between Ron Jeremy's legs." Jenny explained. Carol raised an eyebrow,

"Whad'your parents do for a living, out of interest?"

xXx

Liane Cartman held the phone to her ear, "Well, Doctor, I'm just not sure what to do now. Dr. Marshall's doing all he can, but Eric s records were stolen last night and according to him there's just nothing we can do about his psychological state. He says if we do anything, his mind will just change what happened to match his vision."

"Well, that's quite a predicament, Ms. Cartman." Dr. Doctor explained, "I'm afraid there's not much I can help you with. It seems whatever has damaged Eric's mind so drastically is irreversible unless he was stricken with some form of amnesia."

"I just don't know what to do, Doctor..." Liane looked down, "He's my son and I have to help him but... I feel like all I've been doing is making him worse and worse... what can I do?"

"Ms. Cartman, I wish I could help you but the simple fact is your son is beyond repair. There's only so much damage you can do to something before it's broken..." Dr. Doctor explained, "I'm sorry."

"Please Doctor, I'll do anything..." Liane said, hysterical now, "...anything you want." she added seductively.

"Ms. Cartman, that's quite all right, but 'favors' won't help you right now. The fact is that your son's mental state is beyond anything me or any psychiatrist can do. I'm deeply sorry."

"Thank you anyway, Doctor. Goodbye." Liane sighed, hanging up. Her poor little Eric - she tried so hard to be a good mother, and yet, it seemed nothing would work. If only there was something she could do... but he was beyond repair.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

Liane shrugged and went to the door, opening it for Jimbo Kern and Ned Gerblansky, both greeting her with big grins, "Howdy there, Liane! You invited us over for tea?"

"Oh, yes, yes I did, I almost forgot. Stay right here, I'll get you some tea." Liane said, retreating to the kitchen. After having such a nice conversation on the phone with Jimbo and Ned, she'd figured they could talk about Eric's well-being over tea. After all, hadn t Doctor Marshall said that a big part of Eric s problems lay in the lack of men in his life?

"Oh, Ned, you remember that Rita chick you're into? She stopped by the gun shop today looking for you; think she's looking to setup another date. You really know how to keep them coming back." Jimbo chuckled.

"Here you are." Liane sat on the couch with the teapot and three cups, pouring two for each, then her own. Jimbo shrugged and went and sat across from her, Ned joining him, "So how have you boys been?"

"Good." Jimbo said, sipping his tea in quite a gentleman-y manner for an experienced hunter, "You shoulda seen it earlier. We were goin' after this big ol' black bear-"

"Mm it was comin' right for us."

"Ned's right, it was coming right for us... and we had to thin out their numbers and stuff, too - it took a whole fifteen bullets to get the bear to go down, and we practically had to cut its paw off before we could get Ned's voice box back." Jimbo chuckled, sipping his tea, "Man, it was a good hunt, wasn't it, Ned?"

"You can say that again, Jimbo." Ned replied.

"Oh, haha, that all sounds very fun." Liane chuckled politely, but then sighed, "As much as I would enjoy beating around the bush with you boys, I think I need to be honest with both of you. I didn't invite you over for small talk."

Jimbo looked towards Ned, then at Liane, "Look, I know there are rumors about us, but we're not interested in that sort of thing."

"Excuse me?" Liane raised an eyebrow.

"Mm we're not gay." Ned clarified.

"Oh, you thought I-" Liane looked down for a moment, then rubbed her forehead, "No, no, this isn't about sex... although I can't blame you for thinking so. Look, honestly speaking, the truth is I'm trying to find a way to deal with my son. Eric is out of control and the doctors feel like they can't do anything for him anymore."

"Well, Liane, the truth is we're not the best people to turn to. I mean, sure, I love my nephew and all but I'm not sure the two of us could handle a kid full time." Jimbo admitted, "I'd be willing to help out; like I said before, he needs a positive male role model, but there's not that much I could do."

"Thank you, Jimbo, but the Doctors did say the damage was irreversible at this point." Liane said, "I guess it's my fault for being so self-obsessed that I ruined my own child in the process..."

Jimbo frowned, "Hey, come on Liane, you aren't all bad! You just didn't have the best environment to grow up in and stuff, but that's not your fault." he offered comfortingly, "Besides, I for one prescribe to the idea that bad people are born, not made, you know?" he explained.

"Mm we all make mistakes." Ned said.

"Yeah, don't get all down on yourself. I mean, you have plenty of skills. You're a good baker, you're really creative, and... well, we don't need to list your other set of skills, heh." Jimbo chuckled.

"I really don't know what to do..." Liane sighed, putting down the tea cup, "I've tried my absolute best to be a good mother to little Eric but it's so hard... I mean look at me, I'm thirty-nine years old, I work two low-end jobs, my son is mentally handicapped and I'm just a cheap whore..."

"Liane-"

"Look at me, Jimbo, look at me!" Liane turned around, "Think about how low I've stopped! I'm reaching the middle of my life and I don't have a single accomplishment! I've screwed my son up for life and I sleep with his friend's fathers... God knows how complicated things are with Roger... and if Stuart wasn't too drunk to think... my own son was born out of an affair." she sighed.

"Mm Ms. Cartman-"

"I can't do this anymore, I just can't. It's the only thing I'm any good at but... the consequences just make it miserable. I used to love doing it but treating it like a career has only demonized doing what I love and I can barely squeeze any enjoyment out of it anymore." she looked down, "I need to start fresh and try something different with my life..."

"Liane, come on, you can't give up." Jimbo told her, "Sex is what you love doing, and, you can't just give that up altogether." he advised, "I mean, sure maybe you shouldn't do it for money or anything anymore, but if you find someone you really care about-"

"Eventually, yes, Jimbo but... some things just need to change, and God knows this lifestyle's done nothing but harm to myself and my son. One day I'll find the right person, but for a while I need to try something different... and I can only start with myself."

"Mm well, if that's what you feel you need to do." Ned replied, sipping his tea.

"Well Liane, I guess we should get going, it looks like you're sorting your own problems out." Jimbo replied. "Call us later if you need anything. Thanks for the tea." he nodded, taking another gentleman-ly sip and then putting the tea down.

xXx

The Teacher's Longue at South Park Elementary was small but quite roomy - there were some shelves with books on teaching, and hopefully by chance, books on dealing with depression. There were some motivational posters - mostly the genuine non-internet ones. The table was wooden with a nice tablecloth, and there were doors out to a water cooler, one of the main offices and the hallway. For today, the lounge was limited to Carol McCormick and Ms. Pearl, the Home Economics teacher. "So how's your first few days going?"

"Eh, fine, I guess." Carol shrugged, "The kids are little bastards sometimes, but they're such a sweet little bunch ah can't really hold a grudge. cept that Filmore Anderon's definitely a damn bad egg there... but the other kids're nice, you know."

"That's good." Pearl smiled at her, "You're doing a lot better on your first day than our last few Kindergarten teachers. The best we had was probably Ms. Stevenson, but she was..." Pearl cleared her throat, "You bring a certain optimism none of our teachers have had in a while though." she chuckled, looking away, and sipping some coffee.

"Well, that's just 'cause you know, my family's real poor and all, and as much as it sucks ass, ya know, the one good thing about bein' poor is ya learn to appreciate the things God gives ya."

Pearl rolled her eyes - what a load of garbage, "Well, at least you're doing a good job so far, huh?"

"Ah like to think so..." Carol shrugged, "Ya never do know these days."

"Hey, did you hear?" Mr. Mackey said, walking in from the Teacher's Longue door to the lunch room, "Somethin' big is supposed to happen later, m'kay!"

In the lunch room, Butters Stotch was at the table with Stan, Kenny, Craig, Token, Jimmy, Jason and Clyde, "I'm tellin' you fellas, it's gonna be real big." he said, kids at other tables turning to listen as he explained, "Eric's finally gonna get what's coming to him, you'll all see. It's gonna be the biggest thing to happen since Craig beat the crap out of that third grader."

"I told you guys, I didn't beat the crap out of him." Craig said, eating a pickle. "I slapped him because he was being a dick."

"I'm telling you fellas though, it's gonna be huge, believe me." Butters assured everyone, "It's gonna make you all go like 'Woooaah'."

"Woah." Clyde said, before resuming eating. To him, it sure sounded like something big and exciting.

"So do you guys have any idea what the p-p-p-plan is?" Jimmy asked, sipping his milk. To him, it didn't sound like much to worry about.

"Dude, he's heading this way!" Jason warned them. Butters took a finger to his lips and shushed everyone,

"Shh, sh, he's coming!" Everyone began to get back to eating, "Shh! Play it cool, fellas!" Butters repeated once again as Cartman came up to the table with his lunch tray,

"Hey guys, what's going on?" he asked innocently. He wasn't a completely selfish asshole if he didn't have a scheme about. Just a normal conceited selfish asshole.

"My dad lost his job, he's obsessed with ponies and he and mom fight more than ever." Stan said dryly, running a french fry through his ketchup.

"Shut up Stan, God, you're a party pooper. Anyone else?" Cartman asked.

"My-"

"Shut up Butters, nobody cares!" Cartman glared, "Uh, Kinny, what about you, what's happening on the other side of the train tracks? Let me guess - your parents got drunk and your brother got high and you put on a gay costume and played some stupid fairy game with your sister, right?"

"No, ever since she got that new doll she's just been playing with that. Everywhere, even at school." Kenny shook his head, "I swear next thing you know, people will be making fun of her for it."

"...what? People better not fucking make fun of her just for having a doll!" Cartman banged his fists on the table in range. The other kids looked up in confusion, "...just 'cause, you know, she's so young and stuff, she deserves some toys, you know?" he justified calmly.

"What do you care? They're just toys." Clyde said.

"They're not fucking toys, Clyde! You just don't understand because your mom was a dumb bitch who didn't let you get toys, so how about you shut your goddamn mouth!" Cartman roared.

"Dude, that's low." Token glared, patting his friend on the back. Clyde just looked up and flipped off the air. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing, just forget about it."

xXx

Recess at South Park Elementary was a lot like recess at other schools... except completely different. Boys played football, girls talked about boys, sure, sure. But most schools didn't gather round to beat up blonde boys, nor did they usually roll around in dirt, couples making out at the wall, fifth graders with Chipotle and bleeding underwear, or even Jedi Knights. But South Park was a town like no other, after all - weirdness was normality here.

Regardless of whatever other weirdness was about, Carol McCormick sat at the back door to the school, watching her students from afar. She was trying to watch them and get to know them better - and as Kindergarten teacher, she didn't have papers to grade, so it didn't matter much. So she sat and watched - and she was learning zilch. Filmore liked cars, that she already knew, the other kids mostly obeyed Filmore, and those that didn't obeyed Ike, because he was a genius. Again, already knew.

"Hi Mommy!" Karen McCormick smiled, tightly hugging a doll as she approached her mother, "You said yesterday you wanted some help with teaching during Recess or something?" She honestly didn't remember what her mother actually told her - just that she was supposed to meet her her during Recess.

"Ah good, there y'are, Karen. Could y'go over by the kids from my class and talk to them a little? I need to get more of an idea of the stuff they like, you know?" Carol asked.

Karen smiled and saluted, "Of course, Mommy." she replied, turning to go do as instructed. Carol sighed - that girl's naivety was going to bite her in the ass some day. Karen approached Ike, Flora, and Sally Bands, "Hi there..." she said nervously, suddenly going shy. Ike looked up and said nothing for a moment,

"Hey, aren't you that first grader Karen McCormick?" Sally asked, always the talker, "I'm Sally, and this is Flora, and that's Ike Broflovski. He's in our Kindergarten class and he's a genius - in fact, I bet he's even smarter than you way up in the first grade!"

"...he probably is." Karen said quietly, "I'm really not all that smart. The only thing I'm any good at is biology and stuff... I like animals!" she smiled.

"Aminals." Ike said suddenly, "Spiderman?" Ike is a man of few words, remember everyone... because he's just such a genius that he does not waste time saying unnecessary words.

"I haven't seen Spiderman. My family can't afford movie tickets." Karen explained.

"No Spiderman!?" Ike said in disbelief. "But Spiderman!"

"Hey... um, you want to play dollies?" Karen asked quietly, smiling, "I... don't have a lot of friends." Sally looked at Flora demandingly, as if waiting for her to do something, but Flora was content with her toy train. Ike stepped forward as Karen set her dolly in the snow to begin the game, and then a shadow cast over them,

"Watcha got there?" Filmore asked, smirking, Quaid and another boy at his side. He was the real genius of the class, and if people refused to notice it themselves, well he'd just have to prove he was better than Ike. "Get the dolly, Quaid."

"Why do I have to get it? Why can't Josh get it?" Quaid asked. Josh is apparently the other boy.

"Damnit Quaid, Josh isn't a real canon character, we can't legally let him do anything, now get the doll." Filmore asked. Quaid mumbled and went to pick up the doll, when suddenly something appeared between them. "The fuck?"

"Leave the stuffed animal alone!" came a scratchy voice as the Coon glared forward at Quaid and Filmore. Seeing another kid come to her daughter and student's defence, Carol shrugged and sat back down. No work for her, yay! "Step away from the doll, asshole."

"Or what?" Quaid asked.

"Or this." the Coon grinned, drawing out his claws, "These are stainless steel, motherfucker."

"Why should I be so scared of them?" Quaid asked. The Coon wordlessly pointed over to the corpse of Kenny McCormick, who was laying in the snow several feet away, a bloody mess, his coat and body tattered and destroyed. However Kenny had pissed the Coon off, there was no argument the Coon had gotten him back quite well.

"Let's get the hell out of here!" Filmore cried out as he, Quaid and Josh ran off back towards their trucks and cars. The Coon grinned,

"Another day saved thanks to the Coon!" The Coon grinned proudly, turning to Ike, Karen, Flora and Sally, "No thanks are needed, good citizens... although you could buy a 'Who is the Coon?' mug for $4.95, or a T-shirt for $7.99. And we're working on a mouse pad, too."

"Spiderman!" Ike cried out.

"Okay, seriously, Spiderman is a fucking two-bit hack, okay?" the Coon said, "Don't- I just- why- why do we need to bring him into this, okay?" he glared. Karen quietly stepped forward and pulled her dolly back, "Look, you're both no-good losers, but Goddamnit, I've seen too many innocent stuffed animals suffer. I've seen them die before my very eyes..." the Coon closed his eyes, "I swore I'd never let that happen again." he turned, "Now if you'll excuse me... I have to get back to a football game." the Coon then raised his cape and ran off.

As Karen, Ike and the other kindgarteners looked at each other with confusion, Carol uncaringly read an Entertainment Weekly and the Coon disappeared, Heidi Turner stood atop a hill, grinning, "Well, well, well..."

"..well what?" came Esther Stoley's voice.

"Oh, nothing." Heidi shook her head, "Don't worry about it."

"But-"

"I said, don't worry about it Esther, you stupid bitch!" Heidi said angrily. Esther looked down, quite shocked, but Heidi just looked back to the scene she'd just witnessed.

xXx

Kyle Broflovski sighed, sitting at his computer. Being suspended from school was no fun at all - there was barely anything to do, his dad was at work the whole time and his mother was always sleeping or cleaning and rarely did much until the evening hours. He spun in his computer chair and looked at his Facebook - sigh. Nothing but status updates from Cartman and Butters. Anyone interesting either deleted Facebook or didn't post much... or posted a crap load of pictures. Kyle's entire feed was pretty much Butters' pointless statuses, Cartman's photos and a few 'Like My Status/LMS' statuses from Bebe. Why'd he friend her again?

One of Cartman's pictures came up on his screen - an interesting choice. Cartman and Kyle were both Faith Hilling together several weeks earlier in front of a shop in Eastland, Texas on one of the boys' adventures - something to do with gun control? Kyle didn't remember-it was more of a Kenny thing that week. He hadn't initiated many of the adventures lately, it was usually Stan being angry about something, or Kenny being horny, or Cartman with some get-rich-quick scheme. He usually just tagged along for the moral support. Nonetheless, he and Cartman loved Faith Hilling the most, and the two of them could have a good time doing it - sometimes it was nice to bond a little, Kyle supposed.

Kyle leaned over and accidentally pressed the mouse button, skipping to the next picture - him and Cartman on Dateline NBC together. He was pissed off, but Cartman was hugging him and grinning. He hated how intertwined his and Cartman's lives had become - it annoyed him to no end, and it almost felt like, at times, he was defined more than anything by how he treated Cartman. He always had to tell himself there was good inside him, and yet it never seemed to come out. And when he ignored Cartman, or treated him like another kid, things did go a little smoother... but sometimes he questioned why he always went out of his way to rescue someone the world would probably be better off without. Damn his morals, damn them to Hell.

He sighed and minimized the window, looking down and trying to think of something else to do when he heard his mother on the phone. "Yes, Gerald, I understand that... I know, I know... well, it's not my fault if- oh we both know that's not true... you've always been a better lawyer than Jackson, no doubt... well that's because he goes in for the money... you know I'd come in and support you over there... of course you don't want to involve me, you never do." she sighed, "Weren't you the same one who always used to say to look for the good in people?" A long pause. Kyle sighed - his dad had taught him a lot about that sort of thing.

"Gerald, look, I understand if you and Jackson are having problems and he's taking your clients, but he's been your friend since community college, you can't just turn your back on him. Sure, he's an asshole, but he's also your friend, and sometimes you need to keep an asshole around and learn to bring out the good inside them... isn't that the kind of logic that brought us together in the first place, Gerry?" she asked, the last bit quiet, "Oh, yes, because every wealthy college kid on vacation in Jersey ends up dating cheap Jersey trash, right?"

There was another pause, "That's exactly what I'm talking about. You saw the good in me when no one else did. Now you need to offer the same thing to your old friend Jackson." Sheila advised, "Sometimes all it takes is one person to bring out the good inside someone, Gerald, sometimes that's all it takes to keep them from hating the entire world. Do you understand?" Another pause, "All right, I have to go work on lunch for me and bubbleh. Hope things work out, dear." She said, hanging up and sighing, "God, Gerald, take your own advice..."

Kyle sighed and returned to his room, sitting at his desk. Perhaps his parents were right - maybe just, maybe he needed to see that little sliver of good in Cartman, because at the very least, it somehow kept Cartman sane? Maybe it was all a bunch of philosophical bullshit. He maximized his internet window to change it and again was brought back to Cartman's 'Kyle and me :] 3' photo album on Facebook. He should give Cartman a chance - as much hell as Cartman could give him, they were friends. They'd gotten each other out of plenty of jams and saved each other's lives plenty of times... he pressed one of Cartman's videos.

"Kyle, all those times I said you were a dumb Jew... I didn't mean it, you're not a Jew." came an old audio recording from, what two years ago? It felt like twelve years at this point. Maybe deep down there was good inside Cartman - maybe it wasn't so far-fetched to think despite the fucked-up shit he's pulled, he really was, deep down, just another misunderstood kid trying to find himself and his place in the universe, trying to grow up in the most fucked-up place on Earth. And maybe, just maybe, Cartman did need Kyle around, a moral center to keep him going and not collapsing into himself. Kyle minimized his Facebook window and went to play Solitaire - perhaps despite everything, he and Cartman really were, deep down, friends.

xXx

"Well kids, I think we've had a great first day t'day." Carol sat at the front of her Kindgarten class, smiling, "I've... er, gotten to know each n' every one o' you." Well, half the class liked cars, half of them liked Spiderman, "And I've learned how special each and every one of you really is." More like Special Needs. "And I think we're gonna have a great time learnin' together this year." Well that much could be true, "No homework today, just go home and have yerselves a good time while I plan tomorrow's lesson, eh?"

"No homework!" Filmore repeated and the class broke out into cheers. Carol rolled her eyes - it's friggin' Kindergarten, what kind of homework exactly would she be giving them?

RIIIING!

And the bell rang, and the kids began filing out quickly. Carol sighed - in a certain way, it was just another kind of misery to add to her day, another reason to down booze and another reason to hate herself and what she'd stooped to...

"Mrs. McCormick?" Carol turned to see the little Jenny girl at her feet, with outspoken-as-ever Sally at her side.. She raised an eyebrow at her student, "Uh, I just wanted y'to know... um, you're the best teacher we've ever had."

"Yeah, Mr. Garrison was a pervert, and Ms. Stevenson was a-"

"But we like you the bestest." Jenny interrupted her friend.

"Well, that's..." Carol smiled. "That's really sweet, girls." Despite how much this job sucked, and how much she disliked some of these damn kids... she couldn't help but feel a new sense of accomplishment she hadn't felt in years. A sense of usefulness - a sense that, hey, there was something she was good at, and something people cared about.

"...I gotta go doodie now." Jenny added.

"...oh, well, uh, all right then." Carol replied with a shrug.

"Come on..." Sally rolled her eyes and took her arm as she yanked her friend to the door, "Bye-bye, Mrs. McCormick, hope we see you again!" she said as they left into the hallway. Carol smiled, stretched, and sat back - at last, a job that put food on the table and filled her need for fulfilment. Life was finally looking up for her family.

"Hey, Carol, Carol!" Mr. Garrison poked his head in, "A bunch of the kids are gathering in the hallway, something big's supposed to happen!"

Out in the hallway, all of the kids in the school were beginning to gather. Rumors were picking up steam - nobody knew exactly what the big deal was supposed to be, but serious shit was supposed to go down. Stan Marsh and Butters Stotch stood at the front of the group as kids gathered behind them. "Well, this is it, huh?" Stan asked Butters.

"It sure is, Eric's finally gonna get what's comin' to him!" Butters grinned, "By golly, I sure hope it's a doozy, too!"

"Do you guys even know what Heidi's planning?" Craig asked.

"No Craig, relax, we'll know soon." Stan assured him.

Heidi suddenly pushed through to her place at front, rubbing her hands, "At last, Cartman will finally get what he deserves, what's really coming to him... I have a chance to show that fat piece of shit how I really feel!"

"Right on!" Stan grinned.

"Give him hell!" Butters smirked.

The entire group quieted as Eric Cartman finally walked into the hallway, finding himself caught between the large crowd of people, "What the fuck do you people want?" he said. Silence. "Well?"

Heidi stepped forward, grinning devilishly, "I've waited a long time for this."

"Waiting a long time for what?" Cartman asked. Heidi smirked, grabbed Cartman's cheeks, pulled him in and pressed her lips directly to his, shutting her eyes as she delivered a soft kiss. She let him go after a moment, wiping her mouth,

"This entire time, Eric, I thought you were just some crazy, murderous psychopath - a worthless miserable piece of filth that cared about nothing but himself. All I wanted was to exact a gruesome, bloody revenge on you and make you feel as worthless as you really are..." she breathed in, "But I realize something now, Eric. You aren't a self-centered asshole; you're just so confused and misunderstood. Deep down, in that sick, twisted mind of yours, you're actually a really great guy..." she insisted, "I want to help you, Eric. Be my boyfriend and together we'll work to bring you back to reality as we know it, and out of that strange psychosis you're stuck in..."

"Dude... what the hell?" Stan said in disbelief.

Cartman looked down, and then up at Heidi, smiling... then he looked down and grabbed his tongue, making puking noises, "Aw, gross! I got kissed by a girl! Somebody get me some antiseptic or some bengay or something! Ew ew eww! So fucking gross! I have cooties! I have girl germs!"

The End

A/N: Some additional, non-canon, deleted material below:

Deleted Scenes

[Heidi's Party scene]

"Hey Wendy, Bebe, you playing?" Red called over. Bebe scooted over eagerly,

"You bet your ass I am! Come on, Wend, you need to cheer up." Bebe pulled her friend next to her. Wendy just sighed and continued to look at the floor, arms around her legs, "Can't you stop thinking about him for one second?"

"What the hell is she so torn up about?" Heidi asked, annoyed - Bebe was, in her opinion, annoying, generally self-centered, somewhat spoiled, and used her looks to her advantage. Bebe, naturally, thought exactly the same of Heidi.

Bebe glared, "For YOUR information, HEIDI, Wendy has been heartbroken since she broke up with Stan." And tears began rolling down Wendy's cheeks and she began crying, pulling her legs in front of her face in embarassment, "Wendy, come on..."

"S-Stan doesn't love me anymore... I'm worthless... worthless..." she cried into her legs as she continued to cry and cry.

Annie approached Wendy, patting her back, "Don't fret, Wendy... between us, your's and Stan's love is written in the stars... but the world conspires to tear you apart." Wendy continued to cry, "If you need to be alone, you can use the bathroom down the hallway." Wendy nodded, leaving the room as she continued to cry.

"Someone's hypersensitive, huh?" Red laughed, "So anyway, let's begin the game, am I right?"

[i]I don't remember the full details, except that I originally intended to have a large bit of the party, and possibly even subplots, just focused on Wendy crying over Stan, and possibly getting over it ,but I pushed it off. I wanted the right moment.[/i]

xXx

[Ms. Cartman talking to Cartman at the couch]

"There was one man who seemed like the perfect father figure for you. Strong, handsome, smart, a sexual appetite, great with kids, and he cared about you, and... about me, I think..."

"So, what happened to him?" Cartman asked, still confused.

"Oh, he died." Liane said quietly, "I miss him, but he's the only man I've ever had around who seemed to like you, much less be willing to stick around. He was... well, the only real friend I've had here." she sighed, "The other women have never liked me - I'm younger than Sharon or Sheila, and Carol's not so fond of me for... reasons. And the men, well, they hit it and quit it, even your father. I never had any friends and, I guess, part of why I've always spoiled you is, well, you're my only son, my only family, and my only friend... I haven't wanted to lose you... but I guess, maybe a part of it was..." she sighed, "Trying to make things right for robbing you of having a father. The only man I really could ever depend on was Jerome..."

"Jerome? Wait, no, no, you don't mean-"

"Yes, I do mean Chef. Remember when we went to Scotland to visit his parents, Eric?" Liane looked at him, "In the last nine years, that's the only time I've ever felt like we were a real family. You and your little friends were like sons to him, and well, me and him... spent a lot of time together. And sometimes when you spend a lot of time together as adults... there has to be something in there, even if there wasn't to begin with. Do you know what I'm saying?"

"Mom, that's fucking gross, why do you have to bring up fucking Chef?" Cartman scowled, "Look, this conversation is over!" He got up and headed to the stairs to leave. Liane shook her head and go up, crossing her arms,

"Well then, I guess you don' t want to hear about your brother..."

Cartman spun around, eyes wide, mouth dropping a she stepped forward, "M-my brother?"

xXx

[Original Ending, immediately after Heidi kisses Cartman and makes her speech.]

"Dude... what the hell?" Stan said in disbelief.

Cartman looked down, and then up at Heidi, smiling. He didn't want to be with her, true, she wasn't that hot, definitely not worthy of Eric Cartman... but he could tell she was dedicated. She would stick to him and do whatever he wanted if he could put on a sweet face like he did for his mom. It would be so easy, and Eric Cartman will take all the help he can get... if it wasn't from a hippie. "You know what, Heidi? I'll bite."

"You will?" Heidi grinned, smiling as her hands clapped together.

"Sure, you know, what the hell? I've got nothing to lose." Cartman shrugged.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" Heidi hugged him, "Oh, you're making me so happy, I promise I will be the best you've had!" Cartman smirked, grinning at the guys and sticking his tongue out. Stan looked over at them with deep confusion.

"Heidi, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship." Cartman continued to grin as his friends continued looking on with worry.

"Dude, I think we've unleashed a monster." Stan told Butters.

 **The End**

 **Commentary:** TBA

 **South Park References:**

TBA

 **Cultural References:**  
TBA

 **Re-Release Edits:**

\- Mrs. Mary Turner - Mrs. Nancy Turner

\- Faulk - Knitts


	14. Meet the Samuels

_A/N:_ My old 'ficiversary' story, which was packed with callbacks to previous fics to celebrate four years as a regular fanfic writer. It's all very rushed and very improvised as I wrote it out. It's also a rehash of " _The Poor Kid_ " if you can't tell from the summary.

A special thanks to **Mad_Cow5678, Shane Marsh,** and **NoseBridgePinch** for their contrubtions to the foster kids sequence - it's a tribute to many who have helped me out with writing in the past. And other thanks to **Kitty Broflovski, Mutt13, Tweek's Panda, Kootie Bomb** and **Kalika Barlow** as well, all good and close friends still! Oh, and **Rachel C** for being a continuing source of inspiration!

 **Synopsis:** Back in Foster Care. Kenny's parents are arrested once again, and he and his siblings are placed in the foster care system. Their rich new family seems too good to be true. Cartman, meanwhile, is determined not to be the poor kid in school again.

 **South Park Unleashed**

 **"Meet the Samuels"**

 **(Season 1, Episode 9)**

by John

(April 8th, 2012)

"I am so sick of this fuckin' family!" Kevin McCormick growled as he kicked the can around in his room, "Stupid fuckin' drunk piece of shit dad, stupid vapid dumb bitch mam, stupid asshole fuck little brother, stupid creepy shit grandpa, stupid alcoholic guy named Bob, and, uh, Karen... uh... whatever!" He kicked it again. "I'm sick of bein', uh poor and der, stupid, and stuff!"

"Okay, and sho how the hell am I shupposhed to help with thish?" Shelly Marsh crossed her arms, sitting on Kevin's bed as he played kick-the-can. She had no idea why this turd was drafting her to help but Kevin always seemed to be bugging her for something.

"Well, yer parents been divorced and stuff before, ain't they? You know the kinda shit that makes 'em go split n' stuff." Kevin asked, "Besides Shelly, you're real smart n' stuff, I'm sure you can think of something."

"Well, that'sh... kind of shweet of you but... I'm not that shmart, you know, I'm jusht another girl, heh..." Shelly blushed, "But divorshe ishn't the anshwer. Your parentsh'll shplit but it'll only divide your family'sh income and make shit worsh." she explained.

"Godammit, there has to be somethin' we can do, I just- I want all the fightin' to end, it's all that happens in this house..." Kevin went up to his nightstand, opened a drawer and pulled out a Miller Light, taking a light sip before wiping his mouth, "Drinkin' and fightin', and they just lead inta each other. It's a load of bullshit's what it is..."

"Shorry Kevin, but it'sh not like you can jusht get into foshter care again. Not every family there ish rich like that Alecksh'sh."

"Hey... hey, that's right, Alex Samuels, that's it! All the kids in his family are just a buncha foster kids. I mean sure the Weatherheads sucked, b-but if we could just convince Alex's parents to put out at the right time-"

"Kevin, you're talking crashy." Shelly got off the bed, "You'd ship off your parentsh jusht to get shent to shome rich foshter home? Beshidesh, what are the chanshesh everything'll line up jusht right?"

"I have to try something, Shelly, my family's a loada shit right now. We're broke as fuck, and all the money keeps goin' to either the electric bill or fuckin' Pabst Blue Ribbon! I never want to see my stupid parents again!" Kevin shook his fists, "Come on, we can do this. You just need to look all purdy n' stuff for Alex, and uh, I need to get my parents arrested again."

"Purdy? I mean, um, you don't really think thish ish going to work, do you?" Shelly crossed her arms.

"Ah got nothin' else to try..." Kevin begged. Shelly sighed.

xXx

"Officer Barbrady, please, we swear, we haven't been high in weeks - the bitch won't let me buy any fucking weed!" he spat towards his wife as the plump police officer behind him continued to cuff him.

"Fuck you, asshole! Not until you buy me some goddamn Svedka instead of this fuckin' Pabst Blue Ribbon crap!" his wife was struggling herself as a pair of generic police officers held her back. "I don't know where that joint came from, but I'm tellin' ya, it ain't our's. Check the kids' rooms, it had to be one of them."

"Ma'm, we couldn't recover any drugs from any of your childrens' rooms, although your oldest son had a couple Miller Lights in his drawer." Sgt. Harrison Yates explained, "The test results say your blood alcohol level is about point twelve... a bit high, isn't it, Mrs. McCormick?"

"I wish I was a bit high right now!" she replied, "Better high off my ass than drunk off my ass!"

"Quiet both of you!" Barbrady called out, "You're both going to serve time in prison for... whatever we're arresting you for!" Officer Barbrady ordered.

"See to it that the kids get to a foster home." Yates said, nodding towards one of the generic officers, who herded the three McCormick children - Kevin, Kenny and Karen - into the police car. Karen shyly held on to her brother, nervous and scared, while Kevin grinned mischeviously, rubbing his hands together. "Just have a seat in there kids."

"Just have a seat in 'dare, kids!" Kevin mocked as the door was closed. "Kinny, can ya believe it, we're goina' be shipped off to a dumb ol' foster home again?"

"Somehow, I can. Just hope it's better than those stupid agnosticism Weatherhead guys." Kenny shrugged as Karen held on to his arm, "It's okay, Karen, it'll be fine..."

"B-but what about mommy and daddy... we're gonna see them again, right?"

"Of course, of course..." Kenny patted her back, "I promise..." You shouldn't make promises you can't keep, Kevin thought deceptively.

xXx

A man and a woman in their late thirties sat on a pair of chairs in the Police Station - the man had neatly combed black hair and wore a green buttoned shirt, and jeans with a black belt. His wife meanwhile, held out a makeup kit and was trying to keep herself looking nice - she had neat brown hair and wore a yellow strapless top and skirt under a black jacket that was buttoned only around her waist and stomach. The door opened, a cop holding it as a man in his thirties with balding black hair and blue eyes, wearing a long doctor's jacket exited, "Ah, you must be the Samuels. I'm Doctor Ellis, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"My name is David and this is my wife Alice, we've made the decision to foster a child. Our son's been really eager to have a brother or sister and he's encouraged us to foster instead of having sex." explained the father with a shrug, "Alice is a Doctor, and I work up in Denver, so we can make sure a child is provided and well-cared for."

"Ah, excellent than. We're examining a number of children in here, let me introduce you to some..." he lead them into a large room with a couch and some toys, and a small television, "You two have a seat. I'll bring in the first child." Alice and David sat and eagerly awaited their possible foster child as Doctor Ellis left. He came back a moment later with a small blonde-haired boy.

"Hey...I'm Andrew. I'm nine and I...I like drawing. On paper, I mean. I don't draw on the walls anymore. I only did it before because Lenny told me to. And I wouldn'tve hurt that girl either or set my Nanna's house on fire, 'cept Lenny said to do those things too. But it's okay now: I went to therapy and me and Doctor Ellis got rid of him...I think..."

"Um..." Alice and David exchanged nervous glances, "I don't think so." Alice crossed her arms. Andrew looked down and sighed as Ellis lead him out, "Sorry, kid." After a moment, Ellis opened the door again.

The rather large female child bounded towards the potential foster parents, a happy, excited glint in her eyes. She gave a polite curtsy, and the Samuels looked upon her as one of the best candidates yet. "WELL HI THERE! MY NAME'S SHANE!" The young...and rather deep voiced...boy spat out as he finished the cursty and stood up, scratching his ass. The two looked at each other in confusion. What the fuck was this shit?

"Ehh, you a girl or a boy?" David asked, more than a little put-off.

"Crossdresser!"

"Next."

Ellis lead out Shane, who seemed to struggle quite a bit, before presenting the next child. A slighty chubby boy of middle eastern decent was pushed into the room after. His nose was buried in a rather thick text book on Astro-Physics. "Your name little boy?" No response.

"Excuse me." Ellis put his hand on the boy's book to lower it slightly.

"Watch it!" The boy snarled, "I have to memorize this thing completely by tomorrow because if I get an A- I'll never get to a good college and out of this shitty place."

"Just state you name for the nice couple, young man."

"What good is that going to do me if I get a fucking A- tomorrow? You think this stuff is easy to get? Do you?" The boy flipped open the page he was reading and tried to shove it into (the couple's face) I bet it looks like hiroglyphics to morons like you."

"I'm sorry, let me take care of him..." Doctor Ellis yanked him out of the room.

"Well, I'm sorry, that's all we have really... the only other kids we have are a group of siblings but you said you only wanted to foster one child..." Doctor Ellis scratched the back of his neck. David and Alice looked at each other,

"We might be willing to put in for some siblings." Alice admitted, "I mean, it can't be any worse than the kids we already saw..." she told them. Doctor Ellis shrugged,

"All right, but I warn you, we've seen these kids before, they bear intense psychological scars and have been through terrible trauma... they could be quite the burden." he explained carefully, "I don't want you to be getting any kids that don't suit your lifestyle."

"We've seen a crossdresser, a kid with multiple personality disorder, and some weird perfectionist. I think we can handle genuinely abused children." David explained.

"All right, one moment, please." Doctor Ellis left the room and returned, holding the door open for three children: Kevin, Kenny and Karen McCormick each entered one after the other. "These are the McCormick siblings - Kevin, Kenny and Karen. They are thirteen, nine and six respectively. Both boys have past criminal offenses, and their parents have spent... quite a lot of time at our station."

"Holy shit, you have huge fuckin' tits." Kenny said as he noticed Alice, "Hellooo Nurse!" Alice looked disgusted, turning to Doctor Ellis,

"I'm sorry, did the one in the hoodie say something? I can't understand a word of it!"

"Are these're new parents, Docturr Eyllis?" Kevin asked nervously, playing stupid for his own sake.

"They seem like nice kids." David said, "I mean, Kevin's the same age as Alex, they could be real pals, couldn't they? And the little girl, you always said you wanted a little girl, dear!"

"True, true, David, but what about the little boy in the hoodie? How are we supposed to raise a son if we can't understand his thoughts or feelings?" she asked with worry.

"Honey, we're rich, we'll give him some catalogs, let him circle stuff and buy his love... if we have to, that is." David assured her. Alice smiled and turned to Ellis,

"We'll take them!" Alice grinned.

"Hear that, kids? Say hi to your new mommy and daddy!" Doctor Ellis clapped a bit and smiled to make them enthusiastic. Kevin clapped along happily, but Kenny paid only attention to his sister who clutched his arm, looking down.

"I don't want a new mommy and daddy, I want my mommy and daddy..."

xXx

Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Craig, Clyde and Token stood in the middle of the South Park Elementary playground, Cartman holding a football high in the air, "Go long, Stan! I said LONG, retard, that's like two fucking feet."

"Just throw the ball, Cartman!" Token called out with annoyance.

"Token, eh, you fuckin' calm down, we don't need you and your homies shooting anyone up!" Token glared, "Oh, I'm sorry, did I piss you off, Token? I better be careful, you might drop your watermelon!" Token crossed his arms, "...you know Token, we should stop fighting and bond over what we have in common. We both love KFC!" Token punched him, "Godammit, that hurt you black asshole!"

"Damn Token, you have a good right hook!" Kyle complimented as the circle converged on the two in the middle.

"Yeah, you could give fatass here a good fight." Craig chuckled.

"Hey fellas! Fellas!" The six boys turned to face Butters, who was catching his breath, "You fellas won't believe it..."

"Don't tell me - you have some stupid clip from Spider-Man to show us?" Clyde asked with annoyance.

"No, no, no, not this time. I was just talking to Charlie Petuski, and he told me that Jason McHugh says that Tammy Warner told Jenny Simons that Kenny's parents got arrested again!" Butters explained, "They got busted for weed again or somethin'!"

"So?" Craig asked.

"So, that means that Kenny's gonna be in another foster home and we're never gonna see him again!" Butters said, exasperated, "Remember his last foster home was up in Greeley and all weird and stuff?"

"Wait... Kenny's gone?" Cartman said in shock, "Kenny?"

"Yep, that's the one." Butters said, still frowning.

Cartman began crying, "My mama's so poor that the last time she got a dollar, she said she didn't know they made paper money!"

"Oh God, not this again..." Stan nosebridgepinched.

Cartman covered his face, "My mama's so poor the Priest runs over animals in front of the house so we have something to eat!"

"Cartman, stop it, it's not cool!" Kyle glared.

"Yeah, grow up!" Craig called out as he and Token began to leave.

He ran up to Kyle and Stan, practically begging, "B-but you guys... my mama's so poor, a burglar got into our house and LEFT stuff for US!"

"Hey Butters, you want to go pee in Mr. Bart's coffee?" Clyde asked, and the two boys scurried away, leaving Cartman with Stan and Kyle.

"...My mama's so poor, she-"

"Cartman, stop it, okay, it's not funny! Kenny's your best friend and he disappears and you just start crying like a bitch, not because you miss him, but because it makes you the poorest kid in school. You shouldn't take your best friend for granted like that, dude!"

"Oh, shut up Keehl, not every pair of best friends is all faggy like you and Stan over here!" Cartman said, "Besides, I hate Kinney, he's no best friend!"

"Oh really? Do you have any friends at all, Cartman? The only person you don't make fun of on a regular basis is Stan." Kyle crossed his arms.

"Woah dude, don't bring me into this!" Stan glared.

"Dude, Stan's a dumb fucking hippie." Cartman said, "He whines like a freakin' forty-year-old. 'Ohh waah my family sucks so much! Oh waah my dad is so stupid! Oh waah my girlfriend's a whore!'"

"Hey, shut the fuck up!" Stan spat. "Look Cartman, if you don't care about Kenny, fine then, me and Kyle have better things to do than let you berate us!" The two boys left Cartman alone,

"Godammit, I am NOT going to be the poor kid in school again!" he growled.

xXx

David Samuels opened the door to his extravagant and luxurious mansion, to welcome in Officer Barbrady and the McCormick siblings, "Hey there, kids, welcome to your new home!" David grinned. "First, allow us to introduce you to your brother, Alex." Alex Samuels walked out, with messy hair like his father, but in his mother's brown color. He wore a green jacket over a yellow shirt - at first he smiled, but as soon as he spotted Kevin, it became a scowl, "Alex, greet your new siblings!"

"McCormick, what the fuckin' shit are you doing here?"

"Alex, watch your language!" Alice reprimanded.

"No way, I know this butt-licker! Kevin McCormick is the poorest kid in the whole school, he drinks and he's only thirteen! He's a douche!"

"Hey Alex, it's uh, good to see you, too." Kevin chuckled. Yes, his plan had worked.

"Now look kids, you're all siblings now so get used to each other." David explained, going soft as he turned again to the new children, "Your rooms can be our spare offices on the third floor. We have a pretty big house so it shouldn't be hard to find room. There's an arcade in the basement along with an indoor swimming pool, although it's being cleaned so it might be a few days before it's ready. You are expected to be up before 11AM and in bed by 11PM but we don't mind if you wake up or go to bed earlier than asked. Your allowance will be a strict $50 a week, no advances or credit. Breakfast is help yourself, Lunch is at 12PM daily and Dinner will be served at 6:30PM daily. We won't make any of you kids do anything, just enjoy yourselves and report to us if we call you, okay?"

"Oh, and stay off the fourth floor, that's where mommy keeps her medical supplies and experiments and some of those would be very dangerous to get into, okay?" Alice asked, "I know it might seem tempting but it's better not to mess with the miracles in the work. If we catch you there, then we're cutting your allowance by 25% a week. Understood?" The children nodded, "All right, we're going to do taxes, you kids have fun now!" The parents left.

"Wow, this family sure is rich!" Kevin grinned with optimism, everything had gone exactly according to plan. He and his siblings could be happy now with a nice rich family - no drinking, no drugs, no screaming. It'd all be fine, "What d'you guys think we should do first, huh?"

Karen frowned, "Are we gonna see mommy and daddy again?" she asked her brothers. Kenny shrugged, holding on to her,

"You'll be okay, Karen, I promise." Kenny insisted, "How we all go play some games in the arcade? Everything'll be okay." he assured her as much as him.

"Come on Karen, race you there!" Kevin said with excitement. Karen looked to Kenny, then hugged on to her dolly and ran off. Kenny took his brother's arm before he could go, "Huh?"

"Kevin, doesn't this seem kind of fishy to you?" Kenny asked, "How often do rich families apply for foster kids?"

"Nothin's fishy about it, Kenny, we just finally got a nice stroke of good luck, relax, we'll have fun, we won't have no stupid parents to ruin anything, go to the library and read a book or somethin'." Kevin commanded a mess of poorly-strung words towards his brother before running off. Kenny crossed his arms, looking towards Alex,

"You live here. Why the sudden interest in foster kids?" Kenny asked.

Alex smirked, "I'm glad you asked!"

xXx

"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do." Gerald Broflovski explained through the cell bars, "You two had weed in your bedroom and an anonymous tip went out. There's no way around it - you guys are in jail, your kids are in a foster home, and their new family has been thoroughly checked, unlike the first time."

"But Gerry, these are our kids, you can't expect us to just let them be taken away forever! Besides, we haven't used drugs since the last time we lost our kids!" Stuart McCormick crossed his arms, he and his wife standing in their jail cell as they spoke with their reluctantly-chosen, but only option of a, lawyer.

"Look, I'm doing all I can, Stuart, but it's pretty tight and shut here, I'm sorry." Gerald explained, "If there's anything I can find out to do, I'll let you know."

"Visiting hours are over, Mr. Broflovski." Sergeant Harrison Yates said, peering into the jail, "They'll be out in a couple of days, don't worry about it." Gerald took his suitcase,

"Good day." he left, and Yates closed the jail door. Stuart sighed and looked to Carol,

"This is what we get, huh? We deserve this, don't we? This is exactly what we get for all those years of drinking and getting high and not taking care of our kids." Stuart sank, hands on his face, "Look at me - I'm a terrible father. I drink, I get high, I even used to beat up my own kids..."

"Hey, that is not true. We have our vices, Stu, but we ain't terrible parents. How often does yer buddy Randy drink? Gerry used to be a worse drugee than you - and don't even get me started on what a shitty parent Stephen Stotch is. Yer a wonderful father, Stu - you may not always do things right, but we all have our problems."

"Carol, I swear to God, if we ever get our kids back, I'm going to be the best damn father I can be. I'm gonna try to ease up on drinking, no more drugs, and I won't lay a hand on anyone again." Stuart vowed.

"I'd give anything just to see their darlin' little faces one more time..." Carol sighed, "Oh, who am I kidding? God knows them kids are better off without us... sure, they're our babies but... God, Stu, you're right, we're terrible parents... I mean just think of all the fun the kids are probably havin' right now!"

xXx

Bill Haley and the Comets' distinctive, familiar vocals tuned in as the montage began.

"One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock," For a brief moment here, we saw the Samuels parents, Alex, Kevin, Karen and Kenny at a football game in the stands. Kevin happily had a jersey on and a '#1' finger. Kenny was holding a hot dog and wore a baseball cap but otherwise seemed disinterested. Alex had his arms crossed, grumbling, and Karen was decked out in a jersey, a cap, a glove, a #1 finger, and sunglasses - yet not a smile on the girl's face. The Samuels' parents clapped along at the game.

"Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock,"

The Samuels are at an art galley, purchasing paintings as Kevin runs around pointing at various familiar, shiny paintings in golden frames - the works of Van Gogh, Da Vinci and others. Kenny and Karen sat together on a bench in front of the familiar moony, starlit night of Van Gogh's The Starry Night. Alex sat behind Kevin, looking angrier than before.

"Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock,"

Alice Samuels was bundled up in a tight fluffy coat as she skied with her foster son, Kevin grinning wildly, dressed in his own new red tight parka. Her husband in his own blue coat joined their birthson Alex, who kept sneering towards Kevin. Behind them, Kenny skiing with Karen, the former smiling, tapping her shoulder to get her attention as she looked down with apathy. A tree fell and narrowly missed the two siblings as they moved forward.

"We're gonna rock around the clock tonight."

The family was on a luxury yacht, with Karen sitting alone in the pool, Alice sunbathing on the side of the pool in a bikini, catching Kenny's eager attention as he rubbed suntan lotion on her shoulders, while Kevin and David Samuels played shuffleboard off to the side, and Alex glared furiously, back to everyone else.

"Put your glad rags on and join me, hon,  
We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one,"

Kevin, Alex, Karen and Kenny stood in the middle of a Japanese town, posing for a picture, and holding on to cameras themselves. A dinosaurian roar invades the landscape as David and Alice pull the kids away and run off, except for Kevin, who turned around and began taking pictures as a giant clawed reptilian foot approached him.

"We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,  
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight."

The siblings sat around a table with their parents all dressed nicely as Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper and his wife sat and discussed politics with them, the parents and Kevin laughing along. Alex shook his fists and glared, while Karen put a hand on her cheek and ignored the bountiful feast before her, Kenny noticing his sister and patting her back with concern as he begins to eat a drumstick.

"We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight."

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stood in front of the television screens at Murphy's TV Repair as the Samuels family appeared, the kids at the sides as DAVID stands at the podium, a subtitle reading; DAVID S. SAMUELS; Concerned Foster Parent; Local Millionaire. They exchanged uneasy looks.

"When the clock strikes two, three and four,  
If the band slows down we'll yell for more,"

Kevin hopped around the private library, tossing books from the shelves and looking only at pretty pictures as Alex, listening to his iPod, growled. Kenny and Karen again sat alone, Karen holding a book on Endangered Animals of the World and Kenny with a playboy sticking halfway out of Tarzan of the Apes with a copy of The Great Gatsby atop that same book.

"We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,  
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight."

Kevin sat in a green bean bag chair with an Xbox controller in his hand, grinning and punching buttons excitedly as Karen held on to a Wiimote in a blue bean bag chair, looking at it like it was insane, while Kenny in a red bean bag chair plays eagerly with a PlayStation Vita. We then cut to see three televisions hooked up next to each other, each with the respective game system, with a Nintendo 3DS and a PlayStation 3 on the shelf, as well as huge DVD racks of games.

"We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight."

Karen and Kenny held on to each other in an extravant bedroom full of stuffed animals and toys - anything a little girl could ask for. Kenny pat his sister's back to comfort her, as her eyes teared up, darting around the room. As the music faded, the two siblings looked at each other.

"I-I know this all is supposed to be better, Kenny but... I don't want a better mommy and daddy, I want my mommy and daddy."

Kenny sighed, "I know Karen, I know..."

xXx

Officer Barbrady had his feet on his desk as he grinned, going down the checklist on his clipboard when Stan, Kyle, Tweek and Cartman approached his desk. Kyle hit a bell on the head. "Huh!? What!?" Barbrady sat up and looked down, "Oh, it's you kids again. Who are you here to see this tyme?" he asked.

"Stuart and Carolyn McCormick, sir." Kyle explained. Barbrady tapped his chin, "The crazy drunk dude in the scotch cap, and the pretty lady in the 'I'm With Stupid' T-shirt." Barbrady got up,

"Oh, right this way, boys." Officer Barbrady unlocked the jail door, allowing the kids through. "They're in the middle. You have about, uh, fifteen minutes or so. Have fun kids." He left them alone as they walked down the corridor. Stan and Kyle looked around, Cartman and Tweek following, the latter twitching,

"Hey, you guys, you know, I realized something just right nyah. It may seem like since Kenny's gone, I'm the poor kid now, but the truth is, if you look at it, we never cross-referenced all the girls in school, so I might not really be that poor after all!"

"Shut up Cartman. Every time Kenny disappears or runs off, all you worry about is looking poor. That's not what this is about, dude, Kenny is your best friend in the entire world, he actually puts up with you, and you repay him by just making a bunch of poor jokes all the time!" Kyle said furiously.

"Yeah, Cartman, Kenny's your friend, why do you have to be such a douchebag?"

Cartman seemed deeply offended, "Pft, Kinny's mama's so poor that when she finishes reading a magazine on the toliet, she crumples up the page and uses it as toliet paper."

"I do not! That is a dirty lie!" Carol called through the bars as the boys turned and saw the McCormicks in between two darkened cells.

"Hey, you're Kenny's little friends." Stuart said, "I don't suppose you have some ideas how to get us out of this hellhole?" Stuart asked.

"Hey, why are you two in the same cell? Don't they put men and women in different cells?" Stan asked suddenly, raising an eyebrow. Kyle and Cartman looked at him.

"Stan, godammit, don't do this now." Kyle glared, "Here we are, in the middle of a perfectly mediocre to good fic, and you have to start pointing out a bunch of flaws!"

"Yeah Stan, stop being a buzzkill! You're worse than that goddamn Kevin Stoley kid, God!"

"...Tweek?" Stan wanted the fourth boy's reaction. Tweek raised his eyebrows and pulled at his collar,

"Augh! I'm not touching this with a fifty-foot pole! Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law!" he looked to his right, "Jesus Christ, where's my attorney?"

"Look, we just want to talk to you." Stan stepped forward, addressing the parents directly, "It's not the same around here without Kenny, and we'll do anything we can to get him back here. Is there anything that you guys think can help?"

"We talked to our lawyer the other day, he said there's nothing he can do. They found weed on us, and that's that. Plus we ran a meth lab before so it's not our first offense. We're boned." Stuart sighed. Cartman rubbed his chin thoughtfully as the other boys exchanged nervous looks,

"Gah! We can't lose Kenny, you guys! Being your friend is too much pressure, I don't know if I can take it!" Tweek tore out a chunk of hair.

"So much for being a genius, Tweek, you're not any help at all." Stan said with clear annoyance.

Kyle rubbed his chin, "There has to be something we can do..."

"Hey, I have an idea... no wait, I'm just- no wait, no it's a real idea..." Towelie said, slipping through the bars of his cell, holding on to a joint "Hey everybody, it's me, Towelie!"

"Oh no, not Towelie again!" Tweek covered his eyes, Stan nosebridgepinched, and Kyle facepalmed. "Dude, anyone but freakin' Towelie..."

"Wait, no, I've got a good idea. See you need to fight drugs with drugs... uh, hold on, lemme get a little more high..." Towelie pulled out a joint.

"Hey, can we borrow that?" Stuart asked.

"Get your own, asshole!" Towelie proceeded to get high. (This is definitely the defining plot twist of this fic, I tell you what.)

"Hey, you know guys, maybe things won't go back to normal, maybe this time things are just going to change. You know, sometimes the only way to go forward is to make a big left turn." Kyle noted.

Stan glared, "It doesn't work that way, dude, it never does. There's always a reset - the same shit just happens over and over, and then it all just goes back to normal until it happens again next week. It's always the same stupid shit!"

"Stan, are you getting cynical again?" Kyle crossed his arms.

"Ugh, I can't believe you guys don't see it..." Stan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Come on godammit, I don't want to be the poor kid in skewl anymore! Tell us your fucking idea!" Cartman shook his fists.

"All right, all right... so these guys here got arrested for weed right? So what you should do is plant some weed on these other guys!"

"...that's just retarded enough to work!" Kyle grinned. "Thanks Towelie!"

"Anytime kids, and remember, don't forget to bring a towel to wipe up all the... what was I saying?"

"You kids shouldn't go through all this trouble." Stuart said, "Look at us, we're terrible excuses for parents." he sighed, "Just give up - our kids are better off without us."

"Dude, that is not true." Kyle said, "Kenny's sister never shuts up about how much she misses you guys, and Kenny's super protective of her so he's not having any fun either."

Stan stepped froward, "Yeah, and their new parents are stupid, and their new brother is really freakin' weird and spoiled."

"Yeah, and without Kenny, now I'm the poor kid!" Cartman said angrily, "I hate being poor!"

"And I can't hang out with these guys, they're insane!" Tweek panicked.

"They... they miss us?" Carol smiled, "Mah babies miss us?"

"Yeah, dude, they're really miserable." Stan said, "That's why we're trying to bust you out!"

"Hey, what about me? I'm miserable!" Towelie cried out.

"Nobody cares, Towelie, shut up!" Cartman crossed his arms, "You're the worst character ever."

"What about your little broth-"

"Towelie, you son of a bitch, we said we'd never speak of him again!" Cartman growled, "He isn't real anymore! We wrote him out!"

"Whatever, tubby." Towelie retreated, "Awh damn, I'm almost outta slabs... oh well!" he got high again. More exciting plot twists.

xXx

Alex was doing an air guitar, iPod in his ears, a SKULLFUCKER cap on his head, "I'M GONNA RAPE JESUS, TO SATISFY MY DARK LORD SATAN, I'M GONNA RAPE JESUS, AND WATCH HIM FUCKIN' CRY, I'M GONNA RAPE JESUS, AND WATCH HIM DIIIIEE..."

"Alexandra Harley Masterson-Samuels!" David came in, "What have me and your mother told you about listening to Skullfucker? You're too young for that kind of music!"

"Fuck you, I have Asperger's, I can do whatever I want!" Alex glared. Down the hallway, Karen McCormick sighed in her spacious, yet nearly empty bedroom, her dolls around her at a table. She was dressed in a pink frilly dress and tiara and holding a pot of actual tea.

"Almost like home, huh?" she poured tear for them, taking a sip. "Ah. Earl gray, hot. My favorite."

"I dunno, Alex doesn't yell like mommy used to." replied a pink teddy bear with a torn ear. (Karen was miming the voices, but for all intents and purposes, separate characters.)

"Yeah, and you know, I don't think David drinks as much as daddy does." said a charming green bunny with no arms.

Karen sighed, "You guys are right..." she put her hands on her cheeks, "I just feel so alone without mommy or daddy..." There was a noise and Karen ran to her window, "There you are!" she grinned.

Clad in his usual lavendar jumpsuit and blue cape and hood, green question mark jiggling on it's spring, Mysterion perched on her window sill, green gloves holding on as he sat, blue eyes staring towards her, "It's going to be okay, Karen. I promise you. No matter what happens, everything always goes back to normal."

"You really think so, Guardian Angel?" Mysterion looked down,

"Karen, there are some things you don't understand yet, that nobody understands..." he sighed, "When I was a little boy, me and your brother Kevin went out to the park and Kevin hurt himself skateboarding. I was lost, I was alone, and I didn't know what to do, but in the end, Kevin was okay and, well, I met my best friend that day." Mysterion sighed, "Just remember to always look on the bright side, and remember the night is darkest just before dawn and that... everything will go back to how it was before."

Karen smiled, "Thank you, Guardian Angel. It's nice to know that no matter what happens, you'll always be there for me, even when my parents and brothers can't be." Mysterion sighed,

"I will always protect you, Karen, no matter what happens. And one day, there will come a time when I will need to teach you how to defend yourself, to fight your own battles... but I'll always be watching. Always." Mysterion nodded.

"Thank you, Guardian Angel. For everything." Karen smiled. Mysterion reached into his utility belt and pulled out a small stuffed pink rat,

"Here take this. I've won enough stuffed rats to last me a million carnivals." he smiled, "Good night, Karen." And with that, he disappeared.

Karen hugged the toy rat, "Hm, what to call you..." she wonder aloud. "Oh, I got it... Lula-Belle."

"Kevin Stuart McCormick-Samuels, come over here right now!" came David Samuels' voice suddenly. Karen peeked out her door to see her older brother looking down, hands together and looking quite scared as David held on to a small cat by the scruff of it's neck, "What the hell is this!?"

"It's, um, it's Scribbles..." Kevin said quietly, "F-family cat..."

"Family cat? The Samuels family doesn't own cats, Kevin! Where the hell did it come from?" David had generally been quite a quiet, forgiving person, but this crossed the line, "I am not having my children doing any sort of drugs!"

"It's not 'fer drugs, that's mine and Kenny and Karen's old cat from before. I don't know how he got in here, though, honest!" Kevin pleaded.

"He's telling the truth, Mr. Samuels sir, that is our old kitty." came Karen's quiet voice from her bedroom, "Please let Scribbles stay with us."

"No, I am not keeping drugs in my house." David went to the window, Kevin shaking his fists,

"No, new dad, no, that's m'cat!" Too late, David tossed the cat out the window and turned around, going back to a smile,

"Hey kids, how about we go watch some Morbidly Obese Albert, huh?" Kevin frowned as well, looking as dejected now as his sister had before,

"B-but new dad... you got rid of our cat..."

"Hey, hey, let's not dwell on the past, we need to move forward, things change, now, uh, how would you kids like to watch Godzilla vs. Megalon?"

Outside, under the window, Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Tweek sat in the bushes, with Tweek holding on to Scribble tightly, "Dammit dude, it didn't work, they found it before the police did." Stan said with annoyance. The cat struggled in Tweek's arms as the boy twitched nervously,

"Gah! Oh man, guys, this cat is freakin' crazy, I think it's tryin' to kill me, help you guys!" Tweek said as it clawed at him, trying to snake it's way out. The other boys ignored him.

"Well, we have to think of something you guys, Kenny's our friend, and Tweek and Butters suck, so we need to get him back here." Kyle crossed his arms.

"Yeah, I don't want to be freakin' poor kid, anymore, I mean, my mama's so poor that she has to use food stamps to send letters!"

"...Guys?" They turned to see Mysterion, having stopped, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Oh, hey Kenny. What's up?" Stan asked.

"Uh, I was just checking on my sister... seriously though, what the fuck are you doing hiding at the side of my house?" Mysterion asked.

"Oh, we were going to plant drugs to get your new parents arrested so you could go home... but it didn't work, your new dad found your cat in your brother's room." Kyle explained.

"Aaugh, it's trying to kill me, Kenny, I don't want to die!" Tweek panicked, trying to hold on to the struggling kitty. Mysterion sighed,

"I have to go guys. See you around." He grabbed his cape, pulled it over himself, then sped off. Cartman laughed,

"God, what a fag!"

"You're one to talk, Cartman!" Kyle glared.

"Gah, you guys!" Scribbles was clawing at Tweek's face, leaving deep wounds as the blonde boy stood up, "You guys!"

"Would you shut up, Tweek? We're busy here!" Kyle said angrily, not even noticing Tweek trying to fight off the angry cat.

"Dammit you guys, we need to work! I mean, you guys, my mama's so poor that when she stands on the street corner, she pays people to screw HER!"

"Oh God..." Kyle rolled his eyes and nosebridgepinched.

"Well guys, come on, who's the smartest person we know besides us?" Stan rubbed his chin.

"Hey, wait a minute..." Kyle grinned.

xXx

Kyle Broflovski and Stan Marsh sat in the dining room of the Marsh family home, with Ike Broflovski, Wendy Testaburger, Terrance Mephesto, and Kevin Stoley sat assembled, "You were selected for this task because you are the best; the elite. You all know what to do." Stan explained.

"Quiet down over there, Billy, I'm trying to watch Bear Grylls drink his own urine!"

"Shut up, he doesn't do that anymore, Grampa!" Stan called out, "Sorry about that. Now, what we need is a full-proof plan, something that can help us rescue Kenny. What do you have?" Ike looked around, Wendy kept her hands together and her eyes on the ground, and Kevin looked to the side. Terrance was the first to step forward, "What's your idea?"

"I hope your insolent comrade does not return from his current location. You're all intolerable. Good day." And with that, Terrance left.

"God, what a douchebag." Kyle said, crossing his arms, "Well - Ike, Wendy, Kevin?"

"Cookie monster!" Ike said loudly, "D'd'ya try grafeedee?"

"Hey, Ike has a good idea, you could frame them for that." Kevin suggested. Wendy looked over at Stan and sighed,

"I don't know you guys..." Stan rubbed his chin, "I think that's a little minor to get three, er, four kids removed from two adults. Hm, let's think..."

Grampa wheeled over to them, "Oh, that's easy as stealin' candy from a baby. Listen here Billy, you and your little friends need to just vandalize the crap outta some place, and drop the evidence off in these guys' bedroom. It really ain't hard, it's what I did to get rid of the Pattersons."

Randy walked up behind his father, holding a cup of cocoa in one hand, "Or, you know, you could just have a montage and play that song 'Landslide'." he said, "Believe me, all sorts of stuff'll happen."

"That's enough outta you, Howard!" Grampa said, "Trust me, Billy, I know what I'm talking about here."

"All right, we'll get on it..." Stan said, but then Randy stopped him,

"Hey Stan, have you seen your sister around today?"

xXx

"Come on kids, Cpt. Marples and the SS Cruiseship are waiting!" Alice called out up the staircase, holding a suitcase, as did her husband, "It's supposed to the second best cruiseship in the Blue Star Line. Why, last year they had the Lords of the Underworld perform with some ten-year-old!" Kevin came down with his backpack on tight, grinning,

"We're goin' on a cruise cruise cruise cruise cruise! We're goin' on a cruise, wearing fancy shoes and drinkin' booze, on a cruise, on a cruise, on a cruise cruise cruise!"

"Alex, Kenny, Karen!" Alice called up as Alex finally slid down the railing, iPod in his ear as he belted out tunes off-key,

"GOD'S DICK IS TEN FEET LONG, I WANNA BUY HIM A GIANT THONG, I'M GONNA RIDE HIM ALL DAY, AND HE'LL FUCK ME ALL NIGHT, OH WHY IS LIFE SUCH A MUTHAFUCKIN' FRIIIIGHT!"

"Alexandra Harley Masterson-Samuels, I think that's enough Devilcuntz for one day, isn't it?" Alice crossed her arms. Alex flipped her off, and held on to his headphones so she couldn't yank them out. Kenny walked down with his sister, sighing,

"All right, we're just about ready to go." He looked down at Karen's eyes to see them watering a bit. "Hey, hey, Karen, Karen... c'mon sissy, it'll be okay... I promise you..."

"David, are you ready?" Alice turned to her husband, who was across the living room, checking the windows, turning to her,

"Just burglar-proofing the place since we'll be gone the whole weekend."

"You're not finished." came a hoarse whisper from the window, "You left like three windows right open."

"Oh, thank you..." David nodded to the figure, before turning back to his wife, "...hey, hold on a second!" he turned to see a fat fourth grader with brown hair, fake ears, a brown mask with thick black eyebrows, wearing a red cape, a utility belt and a dark jacket over a white 'C' T-shirt, and finally clawed gloves. He smirked on the window sill before hopping down, "Oh my God, honey, hide the kids!"

"Don't worry. I am the Coon, the symbol this town deserves, and I come bringing help to right the wrongs of this situation!" he turned to the window and whistled, and in moments, a girl with messy brown hair in a gray shirt and pink pants hopped in, adjusting her retainer, before turning outside to the window,

"The coasht ish clear, dumbashesh!" She was soon followed by a gang of sixth graders, and Professor Chaos and General Disarray, both holding big garbage bags that seemed to move. "Fuck thish plashe up!" The Sixth Grade leader grabbed a bat and began hitting expensive vases, his two comerades knocked over the HD television, Shelly flipped over a table, and Professor Chaos and General Disarray approached a couch,

"Uh, are you sure we should do this, Professor Chaos?"

"Well, Eric said so, and besides, we're the bringers of destruction and makers of doom... so it's okay then." Professor Chaos opened the bag, releasing several angry cats who proceeded to claw at the furniture, smiling, "Mwahaha, our reign of evil has only just begun! ...uh, now you gotta open your bag, General Dissaray..."

"It's tied kinda tight, I don't think I can get it open by myself." Disarray struggled, handing it to Chaos,

"Here, lemme help you." Chaos took the bag and struggled, "Oh, wow that is tight... wait, I think I can... there you go, I loosened it." he handed it back. Disarray opened it and freed a number of further cats to claw up the furniture. "Hey, uh, what's that?" Disarray now held a machine.

"Oh, it's a movie player. A lot of people with cats use these to make them pee so they can get high off it." Disarray explained, "Man, this is kinda fun!"

"Hey, hey, no, stop destroying our house! This'll take months, no years to pay off!" David said, "Sweetie, we have to do something!" he turned to his wife. One of the Sixth Graders began tossing out bags of weed while another began chainsawing through a desk happily.

"The maid left twenty minutes ago, David!" she said, "We're doomed." General Disarray ran past, stark naked and holding a peeing kitten,

"Why don't you just call the police?" Alex suggested. David patted his son on the head,

"Great idea!" he took out his cell phone and dialed the police. The Coon, who was spraying bear mace all over the good china, dropped his weapon,

"All right everyone, cheese this place!" he called out, running to the window, with Shelly hopping out, Chaos and Disarray following, and finally the Sixth Graders. The Coon then peeked back in the window and tossed in one last bag of weed.

"Awh, shit..." Kevin crossed his arms.

xXx

"What's going on?" Deborah Testaburger asked, standing outside in her robe with her husband and daughter, the Black family with them, also dressed for the evening. Other citizens slowly began to gather behind them, but few we know - this is the wealthy district of town.

"We don't know, we just heard some noise at the Samuels' place, saw some rustling in the bushes and then nothing. Token says he saw a raccoon near the window earlier." Steven Black explained.

"Dad, I said I saw a Coon-" Token began to say, Wendy raising an eyebrow, but Mrs. Black interrupted Token, wagging a finger at him.

"Token, what have we told you? That's a racial slur, the animal is called a raccoon."

"Well, whatever happened, the police seem to be taking care of it." Sean Testaburger exclaimed, as the door came down and a pair of police officers left with the struggling parents. Detective Harrison Yates and Mitch Murphy left with large bags labelled 'evidence' containing cats and marijuana. Officer Barbrady then exited with the four children: Alex, Kevin, Karen and Kenny, leading them to a car.

Detective Yates was within earshot of the crowd of wealthy people as he spoke with Officer Daniels, "So the final tally is twenty zip-lock bags of marijuana, thirty-four cats, well-over the limit legal since the Cat Ban was softened, $5,000 worth of merchandise from Skullfucker and Devilkuntz Satanist metal bands, a Svedka, and at least one Pabst Blue Ribbon. Goddamn these bastards are getting crafty, we checked them out didn't we?"

"Extensively... and yet somehow it wasn't enough." Murphy shook his head, "We'll have to send them both to a rehabilitation center. They'll be out in a couple days, might be able to get their birth-kid back. Dunno what'll happen to the other three."

The kids sat in the backseat of the police car as Officer Barbrady sat in front of them, "Okay kids, we're gonna take you down to the Station and we're gonna find you a nice foster home... again. For a third time... gee whiz, there really aren't a lot of good foster homes are there?"

xXx

"We have to give up, Carol." Stuart sighed, sitting in the corner of his cell, "I can't take it anymore. What if everyone else is right and we are bad parents? What if we just... do these mental gymnastics to justify our actions, and even though we think we're okay, we're really terrible people, like everyone else? What if we've been wrong this whole time?"

"Look Stuart, who gives a damn if we're wrong?" Carol turned to face him, beginning to lose her temper, "It's not all about who's right and who's wrong, okay? We love our kids, and isn't that all that really matters!? It isn't about playin' by a book of stupid rules, it's about loving your kids and makin' sure they turn out right. You need to stop worrying about what other people think and start worrying about what you think, you goddamn lazy hunk o' shit!"

"But think about how miserable we are, how miserable our kids are..." Stuart said, "We live on a shoestring budget, we drink and get high instead of paying the bills, our kids' have our hand-me-down toys and broken ones we find in the garbage, the only games they have our World of Warcraft and ColecoVision, for God's sake we didn't even have color television until two years ago-"

"Will you stop it!?" Carol said, "Look at us - we're miserable now! I know it all seems like it sucks, life always seems to suck, but when you look back on it years later, you learn to laugh at your mistakes, ya learn things weren't as bad as they seemed. Nothin' lasts forever, Stuart. People change, they get older, they die. Life goes on!"

"Carol, don't you understand? I'm sick of it - I'm sick of living a life of pain and misery," Stuart sighed, "I give up, okay? There's nothing left for me... my kids hate me, I don't have any friends, and God knows I've been a horrible husband..."

"Oh, boo fuckin' hoo, what are you gonna do, kill yourself like every other pussy? Who d'you think you are, some kinda Kurt Cobain martyr?" Carol put her hands on her hips, "Stop bein' such a little bitch and try to change yourself if you're really so sick of this shit!" Stuart looked down and sighed, "Unless you don't want to change it, that is..." he looked up, "Well, y'know what they say... sometimes ya just gotta..." They spoke at the same time, "Stick with watcha know..."

"I guess... it may be misery... but it's the misery to which I've grown accustomed." Stuart stood up, "And you know what? You're right. Maybe we're not the best parents, maybe I'm an asshole, and you're a bitch but... who cares? At the end of the day, we all love each other and everything works out. And isn't that all that really matters? We're not the Waltons, hell not even the Simpsons but... at the end of the day, what we have... it works, in it's own twisted way, I guess..."

"That's the spirit!" Carol nudged him playfully, smiling again, "And here I was thinkin' you were turning into a big ol' friggin' pussy! Glad to have my husband back."

"Mr. and Mrs. McCormick?" Carol and Stuart turned to see Detective Harrison Yates and his partner, Mitch Murphy, "You're free to go." Mitch unlocked the cell door,

"B-but how?"

"We've found evidence clearing you of the crime. Your son Kevin came forward and told us everything..." Stuart and Carol exchanged glances, "Apparently, Alex Samuels purchased the drugs off an unidentified towel and planted them in your house intentionally while under the influence of Death Metal. We're taking the boy into custody, but we're releasing you to be with your children again. Sorry about the mix-up."

"Who the hell is Alex Samuels?" Stuart asked.

"That Kevin McCormick bastard is a liar, I tell you, he bought the drugs and planted them himself! Shelly Marsh was in on it! He wanted a foster home! He had to do it the day I told the class my parents- ugh, that little son of a bitch!" Alex said as he was walked by, arms in cuffs, Officer Barbrady behind him, "If I ever see that bastard again, I will staple shredded Bible pages to his cock and pour liquid nitrogen into his asshole!"

"Another victim of Satanist Death Metal." Barbrady shook his head and escroted Alex to his cell.

xXx

Eric Cartman sat in his bedroom on a bean bag chair, playing an exciting game of Skyrim, "Haha Kyehl, take that! Eh, what do you mean it's funny? How is having an arrow in your knee funny!?" he said into his microphone. His door opened slightly as his mother peeked in,

"Eric, sweetie, you have a visitor." Liane explained.

"Be right back, Kahl." Cartman put down his TeamSpeak, went downstairs and went right to the front door, "Yes? What the hell do you want?"

"Well, well, Eric, clever boy." Wendy Testaburger stood with a smirk, arms crossed.

Cartman glared, "You gonna talk, bitch, or what?"

"You saved Kenny. You thought if you used your so-called secret identity, nobody would know, but everyone in our class knows for a fact that you're the Coon, Eric. You saved Kenny - deep down, you really do care about him."

"Care about him? My mama's so poor she uses the Sunday paper for tampons! Face it Wendy, I can't be the poor kid in this skewl!" Cartman demanded.

"You always pretend to have a motive, Eric, but deep down your actions speak greater volumes about your personality than you let on. Kenny's your best friend, and always has been, and despite everything, you care enough about him that you organized a team to rescue him and get him home. I'm impressed. I thought under all that fat you might have crushed what little soul you could have had, but somewhere beneath that thick, pudgy, filthy exterior, there's a caring human being."

"Fuck you, Wendy, I only care about Kinny like a master cares about a friggin' pet!"

Mr. Kitty approached him, "Meow!"

He looked down, speaking quietly, "No Kitty, I'm trying to talk to Wendy."

"Meow!"

"NO KITTY, THAT'S A BAD KITTY!"

"You can stop pretending not to care, Cartman. It's okay to care about your best friend. Me and Bebe have our issues but I know no matter what happens, we'll always be there for each other." Wendy explained.

"Screw you! I never cared about Kinny! He's a stupid asshole, and a poor piece of crap! If he died, I'd just... shrug it off like a real man!" Cartman said angrily, "I'm not a pussy like those fags Stan and Kyle, I don't need a stupid best friend!"

"Yes, you do, Cartman." Wendy sighed, "Look, I have to get home. I'm just glad to see that despite everything, you have some remnants of a soul. Anyway, see you in school." Wendy turned,

"Hey, um, Wendy?" she turned back around, "Haha, Stan broke up with you, dumb ho!" he slammed the door shut. Wendy glared, looked down, felt the tears begin to form, then closed her eyes, breathed in, and left for home.

xXx

The McCormick family was where they belonged again - all sitting around the dining room table, Stuart at the head, with his two sons on one side, and wife and daughter on the other, everyone with their eyes closed, their hands together, and ready for their prayer, "Lord, we thank you for this incredible feast of possibly beef you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time making us suffer -"

"Stuart!"

"- We still give thanks. Amen." Stuart said, "I'm so glad everything's back where it belongs." he smiled. "We may not be the tightest-knit family, or the most peaceful, but at the end of the day, everything goes back to how it should."

"Couldn'ta said it better myself, Stu. Now, who wants some expired milk and stale pop-tarts?" Carol smiled, passing out the plates of food as the kids gobbled it up hungrily. She put an arm around her husband, "We got our babies back!" she chuckled. The kids finished quickly,

"Mommy, can we go watch Animal Planet now?" Karen said excitedly as her mother picked her up, swigging some milk.

"A'ight, a'ight, let's get goin'." Carol smiled, walking off with her daughter. Stuart finished eating and got up,

"You boys play nice while Daddy goes out to check the shed for some tools." Stuart got up, leaving Kenny and Kevin alone. Kenny glared at his brother,

"I know what you did, Kevin. You planned it all out yourself, you little bastard. I can't believe you'd sell out our family like that."

Kevin was still eating, sighing, "Kenny, I won't do it again, don't worry, it's all good'n now, 'cuz I learned somethin' today. Family ain't all about hugs and kisses n' smiles and stuff... family's about workin' together like a team, n' having common goals. You can't jus' forget and give up on family, 'cause they're a part of who you are, and yer a part of them."

"Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson then. Later bro." Kenny sighed and got down from his seat, when the doorbell rang. With a shrug, he went to the front door and answered it, only to be faced by Death himself. "Awh-" Death touched him.

xXx

"-Shit." Kenny cried out as he found himself on a large purple couch in Hell, between a boy in all-black with sideburns and a boy in a Newsboy cap with long blonde hair.

"Hello mortal, you're just in time for Glee." Damien greeted, laying on his side.

Pip smiled, eating some popcorn, "It's actually a jolly good show if you give it a chance, Kenny." Kenny sighed,

"Goddammit."

 **The End**

 _A/N:_ Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!

I included a ton of callbacks to old fics that probably only Mad_Cow5678 will understand - there's stuff from "The Return of Towelie", "Play It Again, Stan", "At the Carnival", "My Name is Pip", "Mysterion Returns", "Kenny's Dilemma" and "Kenny's Parka" - and a few throw-offs to real-life incidents - a particular nudge towards Alex.

 **Commentary:** TBA

 **South Park References:**

TBA

 **Cultural References:**  
* There's a nudge to the 2003 "Star Wars: Clone Wars" series that nobody will get. [Especially now]


End file.
